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sopp1e
Stranger

Registered: 05/07/18
Posts: 62
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Is my ego to strong/big? Can it get better?
#26446414 - 01/22/20 01:34 PM (4 years, 7 days ago) |
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I’m having a bad day, depressed and feeling sorry for myself. And it shows in my post. Sorry about that. Feel like a fool but so be it.
After my first ayahuasca trip i felt like i was let out of my mental prison for the first time. And my ego was “smaller” for a long time afterwards. I went to the retreat because of depression and it showed me i could be free. And i had motivation and a newborn strength to take action. It meant so much to me! I could be genuinely happy, and feel love(even for myself).
Now almost 3 years later I’m not there anymore. Since my aya trips i have tried mushrooms, lsd, 2cb, mdma many times to try to find help again. But without lasting effects, nothing has come close to the healing i got from aya.
I believe my problem is that I’m not able to let go, flow with the trip. From observation i seems like if I’m scared or anxious i just cant let go. I’m often very anxious on the come up and that feeling stays with me into the trip. Some times i have taken 5-10 mg of Valium because i have been stuck and its so draining. And then the trip often loosen up and i get a “trip”. But i feels like a defeat to take Valium. And i know it takes a lot away from the trip.
Before aya i was suicidal, and I’m not anymore. So my situation is a lot better than 3 years ago. But i dont really appreciate life that much. It feels like a struggle. I dont feel much love, gratitude, happiness, hope and so on. I am very self aware, and hard on my self. And I believe that is maybe the main issue. I dont have much self love.
I have been thinking about going to Costa Rica for another ayahuasca retreat but I’m scared. I’m scared i will mess myself up for my kids. And also that I would have a horrible trips and that’s part of the game. But i have never had a horror trip. But many hard ones. So I understand how “hard/bad” it could get. My girlfriend and mother to my kids joined me on my second aya retreat i Portugal, and she had a very hard time after the retreat. With anxiety and not knowing what was real or not. Her reality was shaky. It lasted a long time to. So that’s also part of the reason I’m so scared about going another time.
-Could my ego be to big/strong? Is there anything i could do? -Could ketamine be a good option for healing? -Could blasting off on dmt be an option(i have 150 mg or so) Tried once on a hippie flip but messed it up so not much effect) -I have been thinking about jumping in with a big shroom dose. That will overpower me, but i feel like that’s a gamble? I can go both ways. Have taken 2.6 g of liberty caps at the most. -Also thinking of 5 meo dmt with a facilitator.
I’m starting to loose faith in these medicines for me, and thats sad when i know the power they can have. I dont want to give up. But maybe I should...
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feldman114
Stragler


Registered: 09/06/19
Posts: 3,365
Loc: Bravos
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Re: Is my ego to strong/big? Can it get better? [Re: sopp1e]
#26446443 - 01/22/20 01:55 PM (4 years, 7 days ago) |
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Have you tried just 3g-ish of cubes?
Sounds like you’re looking for exactly the mushroom experience. Start small, increase dosage in SMALL increments. (Don’t double your previous dose, basically)
What I TRULY recommend in your case is “Mind Power” by John Kehoe. You can teach yourself to overcome depression and anxiety within a few months.
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Socrateshroom
сталкер


Registered: 09/05/18
Posts: 1,840
Loc: Westworld
Last seen: 17 days, 7 hours
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Re: Is my ego to strong/big? Can it get better? [Re: sopp1e]
#26446491 - 01/22/20 02:35 PM (4 years, 7 days ago) |
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I was in a similar situation a handful of years ago. I went searching for a transformative experience with mushrooms (I had never done them before at that time). Somehow, the universe pulled me to the right place and I was offered the chance to have a psychedelic experience in the most incredible set/setting I could imagine. Before the experience I just wanted my life to be over. I was unbearably desperate, depressed and neurotic. My "ego" was so self-absorbed in my pity that no chance observer would expect me to ever recover from my self-imposed hell.
But that experience changed my life. It released a handful of traumas, gave me insight into my own and the mystical experience. For the first time I saw through my minds eye and not through my ego. The following year was a journey of struggle. I had a tough time integrating the experience. Like you I was, overall, in a much better place. But I had yet to learn that the experience was not curative in nature and that I had to put in work on myself to preserve and propagate the changes that took place during the experience. There have been better moments and worse moments since then. But with each day that I am mindful of the necessary work of self-actualization, the more clarity I have.
I still struggle with my "ego". But I learned that it isn't about eliminating the ego (that is impossible). The point is to integrate your ego into a full and vibrant life. It is a useful tool. And it is YOU. You are both your ego and the lack. Separating the two has brought me grief and only served to make my ego bigger. Accepting my ego has lessened my suffering and given me an avenue to work with.
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PrimalSoup
hyperspatial illuminations



Registered: 11/17/09
Posts: 13,568
Loc: PNW
Last seen: 1 year, 5 months
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Re: Is my ego to strong/big? Can it get better? [Re: sopp1e]
#26446919 - 01/22/20 06:16 PM (4 years, 7 days ago) |
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Quote:
sopp1e said: -Could my ego be to big/strong? Is there anything i could do? -Could ketamine be a good option for healing? -Could blasting off on dmt be an option(i have 150 mg or so) Tried once on a hippie flip but messed it up so not much effect) -I have been thinking about jumping in with a big shroom dose. That will overpower me, but i feel like that’s a gamble? I can go both ways. Have taken 2.6 g of liberty caps at the most. -Also thinking of 5 meo dmt with a facilitator.
Well... If you're only getting at the shallow end with mushrooms you are not doing yourself a service.
Just saying. Gotta go to where there is no you anymore if you want to see it with clear eyes.
And pretty much as well, the road isn't easy but the payoff is real.
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if you stand too close to the machine it'll start to eat youPrimal's simple tested teks and projects: Wheat Prep 2.0 Acidic Tea Tek Potency Project!
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wolf8312
Pennywise


Registered: 10/01/12
Posts: 2,356
Last seen: 3 days, 5 hours
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Re: Is my ego to strong/big? Can it get better? [Re: Socrateshroom]
#26446921 - 01/22/20 06:18 PM (4 years, 7 days ago) |
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Interesting you should say that OP, but recently, especially after becoming a father, and starting to prioritize an other person (but also because of just getting older) I’ve begun to realize that so many of my own, and other people’s personality problems are/were due to an excess of narcissism and ego.
The trouble is narcissism is increasing, probably in direct proportion to depression in the general population. It is very harmful IMO, to a persons mental health.
To let go of ego (at least to a significant extent) ironically makes one the more popular person he was trying to be through competitive behavior in the first place. But ‘once you think you’re in you’re out’ and with that newfound popularity/confidence the cycle can end up repeating itself. Think you’re great again, and start up with competitive behavior.
I’ve seen this with DMT (surrendering) in a sense. Being hailed by the entities as some sort of fearless warrior (when you first learn to surrender) they are just building your ego back up, it order knock it down again, and soon you will be defeated and terrified once more, as your ego comes crumbling back down.
There is a brilliant book about criminal psychology (the new evil) that argues mans evil (sadism) has been growing/perverting since about the sixties, due to ever increasing narcissism in the modern world. I agree. Narcissism/ego is truly a cancer, because it leads to an increase in arrogance/desire, and a diminishing empathy for other people.
Less egotistical people are often healthier, and happier, kinder, because they are not always worrying about what other people think of them, nor tribally competing to advance themselves at other people’s expense.
In regards to psychedelics, I honestly believe the lesson they impart, is to let go of ones ego, and to be fearless, (hang up the phone is basically rationalizing an inability to face this fear head on IMO) but it’s amazing (though understandable) how psychedelics can make egotistical people, even more egotistical. An arrogance sets in where the user begins to believe that his deeper experiences on psychedelics, automatically make him a deeper/better person.
I’ve even begun to believe that boasting about using psychedelics on forums like this in many ways contaminates the process, because it unavoidably brings ego into it.
-------------------- "I'm every nightmare you ever had. I am your worst dreams come true. I am everything you ever were afraid of." Pennywise the dancing clown
Edited by wolf8312 (01/22/20 06:40 PM)
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DJ Ed
Mushroom Engineer


Registered: 09/04/16
Posts: 2,326
Loc: UK
Last seen: 1 month, 28 days
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Re: Is my ego to strong/big? Can it get better? [Re: wolf8312]
#26447952 - 01/23/20 10:29 AM (4 years, 6 days ago) |
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Hey wolf8312,
What a deep and thought-provoking post. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I fully agree with your discussion of narcissism; I have realised this applies to me during recent trips. It’s a kick in the teeth to realise your decades of suffering and poor self-worth have been of your own making. I blame the culture we are born into, which expects us to contribute to society, and to amass great piles of material things, the bigger the better. And yes it does feel like a competition. You aspire to the next model of car, bigger house. Facebook has really brought this home; the amount of people who literally just post about how great their life is, is becoming real tedious. A few colleagues have left FB for this very reason. But back to the narcissism, it’s been shown that cultures that are generally happy have an ethos that happiness is found by helping other people. In the materialist western world, our pleasure is gained from acquiring things. But that’s the point folks, “pleasure” is not “happiness”. That one thought has been helping me so much recently.....
I’m not sure I’m with you (yet) on posting in these forums leading to narcisssism. I’ve returned here a few months ago and have found the support and love shown to me by these folks has really helped my understanding, integration, and thus my quality of life. Hmm yes there are a few “weird” posts but that’s to be expected; like the Baker’s Dozen effect.....
Mush love, DJ Ed.
-------------------- “It’s like when you see a mountain lion,” he suggested. “If you run, it will chase you. So you must stand your ground.” Michael Pollan: How To Change Your Mind “The problem is not to find the answer, it’s to face the answer.” Terence McKenna

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redgreenvines
irregular verb


Registered: 04/08/04
Posts: 37,531
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Re: Is my ego to strong/big? Can it get better? [Re: sopp1e] 1
#26449290 - 01/24/20 04:16 AM (4 years, 5 days ago) |
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transformation like dr. Jekyll discovered is not so simple. yes you can change, but change to what is another matter, and will it stick is another again.
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wolf8312
Pennywise


Registered: 10/01/12
Posts: 2,356
Last seen: 3 days, 5 hours
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Re: Is my ego to strong/big? Can it get better? [Re: DJ Ed]
#26451456 - 01/25/20 08:56 AM (4 years, 4 days ago) |
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Quote:
DJ Ed said: Hey wolf8312,
What a deep and thought-provoking post. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I fully agree with your discussion of narcissism; I have realised this applies to me during recent trips. It’s a kick in the teeth to realise your decades of suffering and poor self-worth have been of your own making. I blame the culture we are born into, which expects us to contribute to society, and to amass great piles of material things, the bigger the better. And yes it does feel like a competition. You aspire to the next model of car, bigger house. Facebook has really brought this home; the amount of people who literally just post about how great their life is, is becoming real tedious. A few colleagues have left FB for this very reason. But back to the narcissism, it’s been shown that cultures that are generally happy have an ethos that happiness is found by helping other people. In the materialist western world, our pleasure is gained from acquiring things. But that’s the point folks, “pleasure” is not “happiness”. That one thought has been helping me so much recently.....
I’m not sure I’m with you (yet) on posting in these forums leading to narcisssism. I’ve returned here a few months ago and have found the support and love shown to me by these folks has really helped my understanding, integration, and thus my quality of life. Hmm yes there are a few “weird” posts but that’s to be expected; like the Baker’s Dozen effect.....
Mush love, DJ Ed.
Thanks for the interesting reply. A great movie about what we are talking about (of which the message is Buddhism basically) is Groundhog Day. As for posting on forums like this contaminating the process, I would say at least for me, it adulterates my intention and motivation for tripping which can make surrendering, and letting go of the ego more difficult.
I found there was often a disconnect between my stated intention for using online, and the actual intention I would find when my subconscious manifested itself, which especially when I was younger, and my whole identity revolved around psychedelics, was significantly vain (although there was still a mixture of varying motivations, not least boredom).
Using psychedelics, and as importantly, posting/ boasting (on and offline) about doing so, was who I was, a big part of my identity. At the end of the day, it is often a competitive pissing contest, where we compete with each other and attempt to convince ourselves that as we have been, and seen father than others, we are wiser and in someway superior!
But the absurd and obvious paradox is that psychedelics break down the very identity/ego, that using them can sometimes be responsible for creating, and inevitably when I tripped, this ego would have to fall. This could be painful, and humiliating to face up to.
A contaminated impure intention, can be as bad as no intention at all, but basically what I am saying is that whether you post pictures of yourself skydiving on Facebook or tell everyone you smoked DMT the other night on the shroomery, the process can get inextricably bound up with ego and impure intentions.
-------------------- "I'm every nightmare you ever had. I am your worst dreams come true. I am everything you ever were afraid of." Pennywise the dancing clown
Edited by wolf8312 (01/25/20 10:59 AM)
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DJ Ed
Mushroom Engineer


Registered: 09/04/16
Posts: 2,326
Loc: UK
Last seen: 1 month, 28 days
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Re: Is my ego to strong/big? Can it get better? [Re: wolf8312]
#26451468 - 01/25/20 09:05 AM (4 years, 4 days ago) |
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Yes I can see what you’re saying,especially with FB. I don’t know if I’m a bit older than you (53 years young), and maybe that’s why I’m of a slightly different opinion. Maybe years ago if the internet had been around, I might have fallen into that trap. But I don’t ever remember boasting about the ridiculously ignorance-fuelled high doses we used to take.
These days, I have started posting here for a few reasons: I want to spread the message, without losing my job; I have had loads of cultivation and headspace help from here, I want to give something back; and the replies I get to my posts are helping me understand what I’ve been through, so my trips are getting deeper, the more I understand.
I used to be real competitive! Really. Once I’d cycled 132 miles when a cyclist in full gear came out his front door on this hill and cycled past me. I buried myself to overtake him! But after 4 children I had a vasectomy 13 years ago. My testosterone levels plummeted, my depression ramped up, and my competitiveness disappeared. So these days I don’t have a boasting bone in my body.
But that’s just me, dude; I fully hear and understand what you’re saying 👊🏻
❤️ DJ Ed
-------------------- “It’s like when you see a mountain lion,” he suggested. “If you run, it will chase you. So you must stand your ground.” Michael Pollan: How To Change Your Mind “The problem is not to find the answer, it’s to face the answer.” Terence McKenna

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Hotdog from Space
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Registered: 07/09/19
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Re: Is my ego to strong/big? Can it get better? [Re: DJ Ed]
#26451737 - 01/25/20 11:53 AM (4 years, 4 days ago) |
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The good news is this:
The ego does not exist
The bad news is:
It's a figment of your imagination, illusory. And Illusions can be hard to get rid. Especially the ego, it's a thought one, I know.
And I am not saying this as some kind of egoless guru. I got my own illusions.
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