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OfflinePsy Baba
That was zen, This is Tao
I'm a teapot User Gallery


Registered: 01/30/06
Posts: 16,430
Loc: The land of Ports.
Last seen: 2 years, 8 months
Can't figure out why Im not easily approachable.
    #26434978 - 01/15/20 01:35 PM (4 years, 1 month ago)

Odd thing to take something like this to the shroomery, but I keep my personal biz out of usual social media, especially needy stuff.

TL:DR: I'm baffled what about me doesn't lead to more attraction from the kind of partner I seek.

So:

I've been single for like 5 years now. I've had off n on partners that wouldn't claim they where "relationships." felt more like I was a toy on a shelf to be pulled down only when desired.

Im on literally every dating app and have gone on some dates, but nothing felt right.

I go out to shows/outings/etc, and enjoy myself and get in the thick of it.

I'm able to strike up casual easy going conversations at outings, my work etc, and I dont normally feel extra "awkward" or anything. I feel like I read tone/body language/signals pretty well when Im off topic or not coming through well.

I'n 6'3, fairly average body, and smile easily.

Aside from having strange tastes in music and art, and a lack of interest in wordly accomplishments, Im not sure what Im going about wrong, or what I could do better.


I've asked my lady friends if there is something about me that sticks out as an obvious issue, and nobody has mentioned anything that is essential.   

I've been told to clean up my beard, and moisturize my face,  and I could work on being correct less often.(but its not bad) :awesome: 
They all say Im a nice/kind/respectful/handsome  guy :shrug:

But for some reason, with all things considered,  I dont come of as appealing in a way that I get perused mutually, or find it easy to date.
I dont find organic engagements that lead to anything more than pleasant conversation.

Guess Im open to any tips/advice at this point. Willing to look at myself from a different angle if I could.
I've got a full heart with a lot of patience and passion, not sure why it doesnt get seen in the way I wish it would.

Pic for reference. I get im not a 10, or an 8 or whatever, but I feel decent at least.



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Sit up and meditate, there's no time to contemplate.
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I have an international Hitech Psytrance project with a friend: BioChronic
I make various form of Psytrance as a solo Project Dendriform


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InvisibleHartford
Lawful Good
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Registered: 11/27/19
Posts: 1,123
Loc: Tennessee
Re: Can't figure out why Im not easily approachable. [Re: Psy Baba] * 1
    #26435109 - 01/15/20 02:46 PM (4 years, 1 month ago)

You look like a wise man who should be packing some sort of awesome mystical knowledge. If you don't deliver on that mystical knowledge, it's anticlimactic and you probably need to take a few steps towards blending in with the culture.


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OfflinePsy Baba
That was zen, This is Tao
I'm a teapot User Gallery


Registered: 01/30/06
Posts: 16,430
Loc: The land of Ports.
Last seen: 2 years, 8 months
Re: Can't figure out why Im not easily approachable. [Re: Hartford]
    #26435123 - 01/15/20 02:56 PM (4 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

Hartford said:
You look like a wise man who should be packing some sort of awesome mystical knowledge. If you don't deliver on that mystical knowledge, it's anticlimactic and you probably need to take a few steps towards blending in with the culture.




Solid, I have been told something to this effect before. :thumbup:
My archetype definitely plays into that.

Thank you for taking time to listen.


--------------------
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Sit up and meditate, there's no time to contemplate.
-------------------------------------------------
I have an international Hitech Psytrance project with a friend: BioChronic
I make various form of Psytrance as a solo Project Dendriform


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Anonymous #1

Re: Can't figure out why Im not easily approachable. [Re: Psy Baba]
    #26435147 - 01/15/20 03:14 PM (4 years, 1 month ago)

You said it. No interest in worldly accomplishments.

Start making more money and you’ll get swarmed...


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OfflinePsy Baba
That was zen, This is Tao
I'm a teapot User Gallery


Registered: 01/30/06
Posts: 16,430
Loc: The land of Ports.
Last seen: 2 years, 8 months
Re: Can't figure out why Im not easily approachable. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #26435196 - 01/15/20 03:44 PM (4 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:
You said it. No interest in worldly accomplishments.

Start making more money and you’ll get swarmed...




Yikez.  I suppose Im not looking to get swarmed either, as a part of above stated.

However, for linking up with prospects of long-term future investment, totally understand why this would would an obvious answer. as well as the general perception of power with wealth.
Are those the prospects I'd want to even be attracting though?

It's something thats definitely at the top of my list, to at least be above surviving, and closer into the thriving category.
Feels unnatural, but I understand the benefits.


--------------------
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Sit up and meditate, there's no time to contemplate.
-------------------------------------------------
I have an international Hitech Psytrance project with a friend: BioChronic
I make various form of Psytrance as a solo Project Dendriform


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Anonymous #1

Re: Can't figure out why Im not easily approachable. [Re: Psy Baba]
    #26435209 - 01/15/20 03:57 PM (4 years, 1 month ago)

Well I don’t like it but that’s how it is.

At least 90% think of your income as you think of their physical attractiveness.
And that’s not a dig at women. Chances are, you don’t want to be with a toothless, obese, balding lady, no matter how smart, nice or loyal she is.


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OfflinePsy Baba
That was zen, This is Tao
I'm a teapot User Gallery


Registered: 01/30/06
Posts: 16,430
Loc: The land of Ports.
Last seen: 2 years, 8 months
Re: Can't figure out why Im not easily approachable. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #26435238 - 01/15/20 04:10 PM (4 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:
Well I don’t like it but that’s how it is.

At least 90% think of your income as you think of their physical attractiveness.
And that’s not a dig at women. Chances are, you don’t want to be with a toothless, obese, balding lady, no matter how smart, nice or loyal she is.





Aye, fair points. Thank you for the perspective.


--------------------
---------------------------------------------------
Sit up and meditate, there's no time to contemplate.
-------------------------------------------------
I have an international Hitech Psytrance project with a friend: BioChronic
I make various form of Psytrance as a solo Project Dendriform


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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system Flag
Re: Can't figure out why Im not easily approachable. [Re: Anonymous #1] * 3
    #26435256 - 01/15/20 04:16 PM (4 years, 1 month ago)

I disagree with Anon 1. I don't think wealth has that much to do with it; if you're a charmer, you're a charmer. Sure extreme wealth will earn one the ability to bed just about any woman out there but we aint really discussing those levels here.

Psy - As I was reading your post I was feeling just as confused as you as to why you've been lacking in any tangible success in this game. Then I scrolled down to your picture. You have a really unique look/style, which means, IMO, that you'll only attract those into that same unique look/style. Which is only going to be a very small percentage of females.

IMO, as unfortunate as the case may be, you'd probably be a hell of a lot more successful if you went for a more 'vanilla' kinda look. Trim the beard, and find some threads that say 'I'm stylish and well groomed', not 'I'm a really unusual character'.

Not that that's a bad thing; I love eccentric people, but then it aint me you're trying to attract.

IME, women adore well dressed, well groomed men.

At least at first. If the theory is to be believed, a woman has decided if she'd be willing to sleep with you within the first few seconds of laying eyes on you. First impressions count for a hell of a lot in this life.

You could always work the style back in once you're more established with someone.

That's my 2c on the matter anyways. Hope it helps man.


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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OfflinePsy Baba
That was zen, This is Tao
I'm a teapot User Gallery


Registered: 01/30/06
Posts: 16,430
Loc: The land of Ports.
Last seen: 2 years, 8 months
Re: Can't figure out why Im not easily approachable. [Re: Jokeshopbeard] * 1
    #26435296 - 01/15/20 04:35 PM (4 years, 1 month ago)

Thank Jokes, I really appreciate the honesty and your perspective

Oof, that is a tough one to swallow though. 

I began life in much more vanilla kit. Went punk, then raver, then landed where I am at the moment. Im not fully attached to it, and feel like I could switch it up and feel comfortable with it.

I've sorta sworn off Denim, Ties, dress shoes, and the more full on versions of this concept, but in the past couple months I've been going to the gym on a regular basis, and ended up getting gym kit head to toe. Felt odd at first, but I dig it.

I've had several friends comment on how my aesthetic "doesn't compliment, or insinuate my intellectual/professional nature."

I wonder what kind of middle ground I could find. I like to feel comfortable, loose, at ease with clothes. Perhaps I can find something that meets this, but also appears vanilla. :pipesmoke:
Things to contemplate.


--------------------
---------------------------------------------------
Sit up and meditate, there's no time to contemplate.
-------------------------------------------------
I have an international Hitech Psytrance project with a friend: BioChronic
I make various form of Psytrance as a solo Project Dendriform


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Anonymous #2

Re: Can't figure out why Im not easily approachable. [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #26435405 - 01/15/20 06:03 PM (4 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

Jokeshopbeard said:

IME, women adore well dressed, well groomed men.






Id say it depends. I notice way more positive attention from women strangers in public when Im wearing my dirty work clothes and have my safety glasses on top my head than if I'm wearing clean cut clothing

I think your dress style should to genuinely coincide with your livelihood to be attractive maybe. Like they sense if your dress style is posery or not :shrug:


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InvisibleFruitOfLife
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Registered: 05/21/12
Posts: 4,832
Re: Can't figure out why Im not easily approachable. [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #26435694 - 01/15/20 09:19 PM (4 years, 1 month ago)

Listen to Jokeshop, not anon 1.

Ps. Women expect men to approach them, not the other way around.


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OfflineLogicaL ChaosM
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Re: Can't figure out why Im not easily approachable. [Re: Psy Baba]
    #26436098 - 01/16/20 04:56 AM (4 years, 1 month ago)

Im going to agree with JokeShop here, i think maybe your specific look might not attract as many ladies as you would like.

Perhaps try different styles of clothes and see if that helps :shrug:

Also, as Fruit of Life mentioned, its commonly accepted that men approach women. Occassionally women do persue men but its sorta not very common.

Finally, maybe being 6'3" could be a factor. Its commonly accepted that women like tall men but perhaps at 6'3", it could intimadate some women and make you seem less approachable? :shrug:

Not really good advice I know but some things to consider.


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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system Flag
Re: Can't figure out why Im not easily approachable. [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #26436260 - 01/16/20 07:15 AM (4 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #2 said:
Id say it depends. I notice way more positive attention from women strangers in public when Im wearing my dirty work clothes and have my safety glasses on top my head than if I'm wearing clean cut clothing



Yeah but it's important to remember that, whether we like it or not, relationships work on a cost/benefit basis.

What does a look cost? Absolutely nothing. Why shouldn't a girl give a scruffy looking guy the eye? Perhaps that plays into her fantasy world? Perhaps, did she not have to take ALL the myriad of mate-selection factors into account, she would prefer scruffy guys?

On the other hand, if a woman is considering getting involved with a guy... well, a million little judgements are gonna take place. Most of which, I'd bet, happen without her even knowing it.

And what one is wearing at any given moment says an awful lot about who one is/what one is like, whether it is true or not.

They say don't judge a book by it's cover, and I COMPLETELY agree. It's bullshit, and we would do well to outgrow it.

But we're also talking millions of years of evolution in mate selection perfection here.

Most of that stuff goes on way outside of the realm of our conscious mind.


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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Anonymous #1

Re: Can't figure out why Im not easily approachable. [Re: Jokeshopbeard] * 1
    #26436319 - 01/16/20 08:11 AM (4 years, 1 month ago)

How do millions of years of evolution matter when 500 years ago the perfect mate was nothing like what he/she would be like today?

Every woman I spoke to about the money-status trend agrees that MOST women (sometimes themselves included) will judge men on their wealth and professional success FIRST, and everything else put together second.

There are exceptions to every rule, but waiting to meet one is prolly not the best move.


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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system Flag
Re: Can't figure out why Im not easily approachable. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #26436343 - 01/16/20 08:30 AM (4 years, 1 month ago)

I think you fundamentally misunderstand what I refer to in terms of evolution but let's just agree to disagree because I can't be asked getting into it with you.


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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Anonymous #1

Re: Can't figure out why Im not easily approachable. [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #26436389 - 01/16/20 08:56 AM (4 years, 1 month ago)

Well if the Sexuality and Relationships mod “can’t be asked getting into” this topic, then ok.

Not like I said anything offensive lol...guess I’m just sooo far away from your intellectual prowess that addressing my post would be below you? W.e.🤷🏻‍♂️


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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system Flag
Re: Can't figure out why Im not easily approachable. [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #26436422 - 01/16/20 09:16 AM (4 years, 1 month ago)

You're welcome to start a new thread if you wish to discuss evolutionary theory.

My intention is to not clutter OP's well put together thread with unnecessary back and forth.


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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Invisiblekoraks
Registered: 06/02/03
Posts: 26,689
Re: Can't figure out why Im not easily approachable. [Re: Jokeshopbeard] * 2
    #26436423 - 01/16/20 09:19 AM (4 years, 1 month ago)

Huh, here's a tough one.

We could debate the importance of wealth over looks or vice versa until hell freezes over and likely we wouldn't be able to reach consensus anyway. I personally see the point in both sides of the argument; at first glance, looks are what sparks interest and things like status, success and by extension material wealth can help to 'seal the deal' and keep hold of that attention when it's initially there. And then there's things like humor, kindness, interests, opinions, how someone interacts with others (probably also a proxy of social status), etc. etc. etc. It's a complex equation and if you think about it, it's a goddamn miracle that so many people find AND stick with a significant other. Seems like a thousand factors matter at the same time and that doesn't compute (there's never a truly perfect match), and on the other hand there seems to be a magic spark that sort of negates any multi-faceted comparison and just throws us back on some primordial reptile brain reflex. I guess truth is somewhere in between.

Nevertheless, a few things occur to me in this thread.

Firstly, in the end, it's about mutual attraction. We could tell someone to look more 'normal' or flaunt his/her social or material success, but is that going to attract the right person? What if your match is someone who fancies eccentric or abhors material or social ambition? You could try and pass yourself off as someone you're not, but you'll end up with someone you don't want. No luck there. Sure, there's a middle ground. A little attention to outward appearance definitely helps, and eccentricity doesn't need to be a poured over one's appearance like a thick coating of maple syrup that hides anything underneath it. In that sense, it can help to, I don't know, lose the turban, trim the beard, buy a pair of jeans or any combination of those and other elements without losing one's uniqueness. I can imagine that the full-blown fakir-look may put some people off while in reality they could be a pretty good match. So it's a balancing act between being who you are, and trying to sort of go with some socially accepted standards concerning appearance in order to not shy people off.

Secondly, this thread is mostly about the superficialities, while the dynamic is more complex. OP says he has had flings (let's call it that) in the past, as well as dates, but that it never felt right for him. This suggests that it's not necessarily an issue of attracting people (if you can land a date, you evidently can attract people or at least manage not to repel them), but also about something else. Maybe it's about attracting the right kind of people? Maybe it's about appreciating the right kind of people for who they are (i.e. getting rid of some kind of emotional barrier on either or both sides of the deal)? Maybe it's about making things grow beyond the first moment of contact and overcoming that initial period of feeling each other out? Maybe it's about expectations and managing them? I'd be interested in what happens when OP lands a date, or in the past when he was with someone and it didn't work out - how does that go exactly? Wat what point does it go wrong? Maybe it makes more sense to look at that part than to decide how long the beard should be or how high the annual tax statement ideally is.


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OfflinePsy Baba
That was zen, This is Tao
I'm a teapot User Gallery


Registered: 01/30/06
Posts: 16,430
Loc: The land of Ports.
Last seen: 2 years, 8 months
Re: Can't figure out why Im not easily approachable. [Re: Jokeshopbeard] * 1
    #26436929 - 01/16/20 02:40 PM (4 years, 1 month ago)

I'd like to clarify I don't expect to be approach exclusively, and understand it's a classical male assigned task. 

I go out of my way to manifest conversation often, and put forth an air of true interest.
I usually avoid saying something about their looks/physical stuff in any way initially unless it's complementing a cool artistic design or something.
I often ask questions about what they are into, or take something they said and get them to go deeper into it.
I try to balance talking about myself and being interested in them.

At my work I get to practice these interactions often, and feel like I do pretty decent at back and forth energy play.


Logic: your point about Height being a possibly positive factor, but at 6'3 could go into the realm of intimidating I've never really held as idea when approaching someone. I'll do what I can to observe that more in the future.


--------------------
---------------------------------------------------
Sit up and meditate, there's no time to contemplate.
-------------------------------------------------
I have an international Hitech Psytrance project with a friend: BioChronic
I make various form of Psytrance as a solo Project Dendriform


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OfflinePsy Baba
That was zen, This is Tao
I'm a teapot User Gallery


Registered: 01/30/06
Posts: 16,430
Loc: The land of Ports.
Last seen: 2 years, 8 months
Re: Can't figure out why Im not easily approachable. [Re: koraks]
    #26436970 - 01/16/20 03:09 PM (4 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

koraks said:
how does that go exactly? Wat what point does it go wrong? Maybe it makes more sense to look at that part than to decide how long the beard should be or how high the annual tax statement ideally is.




wow Koraks, Thanks for such a thoughtful response.

My past 3 partners:

Things went, good, better, great, then bad, then slowly worse. 
the Dynamic I observed was me giving a lot of investment, and when there was any accountability to reciprocate it was like that ol' "I never asked to you to go out of your way for me.", but they also lap it up, encourage it, just about expect it.

When I would run out of giving energy, they would just move on to something else.

My choices have not been..... Ideally healthy......
My good friends had warned me through the processes that I was asking to be hurt, if not somehow enjoying it.

My Hypnotherapy friend told me directly that I was enjoying it. and I feel defensive and try every which way to defend "why would anyone want to feel bad, and hurt emotionally?" Deep down we all want to be happy.

So, I know I am carrying conditioning of past that expresses itself somewhere in the mix.  However, I also feel I've been transcending some of these, and have been directing my glances towards healthier humans for interests in deeper connections.


--------------------
---------------------------------------------------
Sit up and meditate, there's no time to contemplate.
-------------------------------------------------
I have an international Hitech Psytrance project with a friend: BioChronic
I make various form of Psytrance as a solo Project Dendriform


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