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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Monkey on your back.. 6
#26434793 - 01/15/20 12:14 PM (4 years, 14 days ago) |
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What's your weakness is this life? What's the demon that catches you when you're unawares? What does your monkey look like?
Mine, he's substance abuse.
I've beaten many other monkeys that have tried to make their way onto my back over the years, but that little fucker just keeps on catching up with me...

(NO QUOTES)
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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Asante
Mage


Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 86,795
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Eating fattening foods in sufficient quantity to greatly fatten me.
-------------------- Omnicyclion.org higher knowledge starts here
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wrestler_az
PsiLLy BiLLy



Registered: 08/11/02
Posts: 13,676
Loc: day dreams of a mad man
Last seen: 10 hours, 46 minutes
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self hate.
i have a really hard time convincing myself i'm a good person.
-------------------- how's your WOW?
Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM)
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Asante
Mage


Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 86,795
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Quote:
wrestler_az said: self hate.
i have a really hard time convincing myself i'm a good person.
Commit More Random Acts Of Kindness.
You'll feel better about yourself.
-------------------- Omnicyclion.org higher knowledge starts here
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Quote:
wrestler_az said: self hate. .
I feel your pain on that one. Struggled with it most of my life. No more though, so it is a winnable battle...
What I can definitely say - having met you - is that of all of the thousands upon thousands of people I've met and got to know over my life you're definitely one of the best. It fucking glows off you man.
It's fucking unfortunate that often the best of us seem to suffer with exactly what you describe though.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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wrestler_az
PsiLLy BiLLy



Registered: 08/11/02
Posts: 13,676
Loc: day dreams of a mad man
Last seen: 10 hours, 46 minutes
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thanks. i'm working on it.
-------------------- how's your WOW?
Edited by yageman (04/20/06 4:20 PM)
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theRealrollforever
I DID-DENT



Registered: 08/31/13
Posts: 12,736
Loc: Bada-Bing!
Last seen: 2 days, 3 hours
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The monkey on my back is definitely that I can never seem to enjoy the moment. always thinking about how my time could be better spent or grass is greener of some sort and it keeps me from fully enjoying the moment.
--------------------
sunshine said: The order has to be secret and no one is sure.
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VP123
Strange



Registered: 06/27/19
Posts: 1,341
Loc: Midwest
Last seen: 10 days, 3 hours
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Clinical depression. It sneaks by waking me up when I still need to rest. Waking up at 2 am and not being able to fall asleep again even though I am still tired. It robs my energy and desire to live.
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nooneman


Registered: 04/24/09
Posts: 14,555
Loc: Utah
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Probably weed of all things. I have this weird love/hate relationship with it, and I can never stop when I want to. I also enjoy stimulants, but I can control my stimulant use. If I want to stop, I can just stop. I can't do that with weed. It's ironic considering stimulants are supposed to be more addictive, but I've always had an infinitely easier time controlling my stimulant use.
I also feel like mentioning physical health even though it doesn't perfectly fit with the idea of this thread. But I spend a lot of time concerned about my physical health, or having minor problems that send me into a spiral of concern about it.
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FSHuntings
Half Man Half Amazing


Registered: 08/10/17
Posts: 733
Last seen: 1 year, 4 months
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Re: Monkey on your back.. [Re: nooneman] 2
#26434912 - 01/15/20 01:10 PM (4 years, 14 days ago) |
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Weed is definitely what ales me as well. I have smoked since I was 12 years old and it seems to be the root of whatever is causing me trouble. Also, screen time. Staring at this damn phone for hours on end really gets to me but it’s hard to stop due to boredom. I was so much happier back in the day when cell phones where actually phones and not mini computers. It’s funnny now these phones are meant to connect us but they really disconnect us.
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Amanita86
OTD Keymaster


Registered: 09/26/12
Posts: 89,464
Loc: hades
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Anger.
I hold people to being honest, truthful, moral, basically not being a piece of shit. Don’t take advantage of people. At the same time I don’t undervalue forgivness. So that cycle of, someone crosses me, I forgive, it happens again, and so on to the point I want to break someone’s fucking teeth out with a baseball bat...but I don’t...
Even with forgivness, that ‘reaction’ of anger is still there... and if you don’t let it out, you have to swallow it. Over time, cramming that much shit down into your gut just builds more and more pressure. Sometimes to the point it doesn’t take a ‘rational’ thing for me to snap.
Plus, I never forget. I may have to do the math to remember my age, but I never struggle to remember if someone’s fucked me. It doesn’t even have to be personal, there’s a lot going on in this world that drives me fucking nuts. We make this journey of life a magnitude harder than it has to be. So much of the suffering never had to happen. Plus we destroy shit like a plague. All that stuff gets me so pissed off at times that I just have to sit down and not move, or say a thing because if I let a peep of it out, all of it’s coming out like a nuke.
You ever see the little pressure release on a turbo, I need one of those for me. It would be easy to say, “just let it go man, don’t let it get to you”, but it’s not irrational shit, it’s all legit real bullshit. That’s like saying, don’t let that red hot stove burner you’re resting your hand on bother you.
Pisses me off man.
--------------------
Orange clock, pencil "They threw me off the hay truck about noon..."
*Mark 15:34  Gam zeh ya’avor...
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Newbie
User of semicolons.



Registered: 07/18/04
Posts: 24,710
Loc: SoCal
Last seen: 1 day, 7 hours
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Alcoholism. I was able to quit for about 6 months after like 10 years of almost daily abuse. I wouldn't get blackout drunk much, but def overdid the beer. At my worst, back in maybe 2017 I would get horrible gout attacks and be hobbling around everywhere, not even able to walk sometimes.
Last year I got my shit together and quit it cold turkey for 6 months. During that time period I dropped 80lbs and got into good shape. Then I decided, "Hey I'm bored, I bet I can drink socially now; my brain is probably rewired. Nope.
It worked for a bit but this last week I was at my worst, pretty much drank from sun down till sun up, ate slept, drank repeat until Monday where I was pretty sure I was gonna have a heart attack with how fast my heart was beating. Face swollen, eyes completely red, capillaries in my face shot, just a mess.
I decided again it's time to quit it forever. I don't have a problem abstaining from it completely, which I'm lucky for.
I'm excited to put that behind me and finish this fitness journey to where it takes me. I'm lucky to not have gained any weight back, I'll never go back to 5'11", 267lbs again.
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Tripsurfer
Bring Back Asante!



Registered: 08/01/12
Posts: 7,129
Loc: West of Windward
Last seen: 3 months, 27 days
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Re: Monkey on your back.. [Re: Amanita86]
#26435132 - 01/15/20 03:03 PM (4 years, 14 days ago) |
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Cannabis products man
-------------------- Ach en wee ben ik de klos, met mijn boog schoot ik een albatros... A philosopher is a person who knows less and less about more and more, until he knows nothing about everything.

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pineninja
Dream Weaver



Registered: 08/17/14
Posts: 12,468
Loc: South
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Re: Monkey on your back.. [Re: Tripsurfer] 1
#26435181 - 01/15/20 03:33 PM (4 years, 14 days ago) |
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Arrogance. Such a block to learning and being.
-------------------- Just a fool on the hill.
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Northerner
splelling chceker


Registered: 07/29/12
Posts: 14,141
Loc: FNQ
Last seen: 17 minutes, 29 seconds
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Re: Monkey on your back.. [Re: pineninja]
#26435225 - 01/15/20 04:04 PM (4 years, 14 days ago) |
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Also substance abuse. Not anything in particular, but always something.
Firmly under control but could easily get out of hand if I let myself become less self aware again.
--------------------
The nearest we ever come to knowing truth is when we are witness to paradox.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: Monkey on your back.. [Re: Northerner]
#26435227 - 01/15/20 04:06 PM (4 years, 14 days ago) |
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Quote:
Northerner said: Firmly under control but could easily get out of hand if I let myself become less self aware again.
Any tips on that one?
I'm fairly under control these days - at least compared to many of my younger years - but man, that desire, that craving.. I feel like that shit never fucking leaves me alone.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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lifeiswhatyoumake
Trance in my sig n blood



Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 16,712
Last seen: 48 minutes, 25 seconds
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Quote:
wrestler_az said: self hate.
i have a really hard time convincing myself i'm a good person.
Yoo, I always enjoy reading your posts. I think you're a good person who deserves to treat yourself better. 
--------------------
  I dropped a trance track "Peace Love & Trance": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M4uQBM-mRYU ;   
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lifeiswhatyoumake
Trance in my sig n blood



Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 16,712
Last seen: 48 minutes, 25 seconds
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Quote:
Jokeshopbeard said:Mine, he's substance abuse.
Try to improve relations with friends and family, that should help get your mind into a better spot to avoid that monkey getting on your back. Or put some slippery oil on your back so the monkey can't get a grip!
Quote:
Asante said: Eating fattening foods in sufficient quantity to greatly fatten me.
Yes, that can give a good feeling, but next time you get that urge just make a big bowl of broccoli and lightly salt it and then just eat it all really quick. Should make you feel good.
--------------------
  I dropped a trance track "Peace Love & Trance": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M4uQBM-mRYU ;   
Edited by lifeiswhatyoumake (01/15/20 04:15 PM)
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theRealrollforever
I DID-DENT



Registered: 08/31/13
Posts: 12,736
Loc: Bada-Bing!
Last seen: 2 days, 3 hours
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It’s so simple! All I needed was some easy advice
--------------------
sunshine said: The order has to be secret and no one is sure.
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lifeiswhatyoumake
Trance in my sig n blood



Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 16,712
Last seen: 48 minutes, 25 seconds
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Quote:
theRealrollforever said: It’s so simple! All I needed was some easy advice 
--------------------
  I dropped a trance track "Peace Love & Trance": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M4uQBM-mRYU ;   
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theRealrollforever
I DID-DENT



Registered: 08/31/13
Posts: 12,736
Loc: Bada-Bing!
Last seen: 2 days, 3 hours
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Quote:
lifeiswhatyoumake said:
Quote:
theRealrollforever said: It’s so simple! All I needed was some easy advice 

Lol I was kidding. The thing about monkeys is they don’t use people logic
--------------------
sunshine said: The order has to be secret and no one is sure.
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lifeiswhatyoumake
Trance in my sig n blood



Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 16,712
Last seen: 48 minutes, 25 seconds
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I know. And yea, but they still abide to the same laws of physics as we do.
--------------------
  I dropped a trance track "Peace Love & Trance": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M4uQBM-mRYU ;   
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Quote:
lifeiswhatyoumake said: Try to improve relations with friends and family.
I assure you my relations with my friends and family are absolutely fucking incredible. I am absolutely blessed in this life to have so many people whom I care for deeply and who deeply care for me.
It's definitely not that mate.
If anything, I think I did something to fuck up my dopamine receptors (or something) in my brain with the copious amounts of drugs I put into it as a teenager.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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stzacrack
Stranger


Registered: 05/07/05
Posts: 3,862
Loc: United States
Last seen: 19 hours, 20 minutes
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Vote number 2 here for self hate and substance abuse
At least I haven't shot heroin in years, I don't enjoy uppers, but alcohol and benzos....
I'm not physically addicted to them, but I have a natural tolerance, to the point that I can stop in the ghetto on my way home from work, buy 30 Xanax bars, eat 10mg right from the rip, drive the hour home, drink two beers, and take another 2-3mg 4-5 hrs later
Yeah I end up nodding or burning myself with cigarettes towards the end of the night
But I can go 14 days without a benzos, get paid, buy 30 40 bars, they're gone in three days
Plus I'm prescribed 45 bars a month as it is
I do have positive qualities though
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Newbie
User of semicolons.



Registered: 07/18/04
Posts: 24,710
Loc: SoCal
Last seen: 1 day, 7 hours
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Re: Monkey on your back.. [Re: stzacrack]
#26435285 - 01/15/20 04:28 PM (4 years, 14 days ago) |
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People tell me that I should count my luckys stars I've only snorted h, never slammed it. And I do. I can't imagine where or who I'd be right now had I given in.
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azramb
Stranger


Registered: 06/16/18
Posts: 505
Last seen: 3 years, 9 months
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Re: Monkey on your back.. [Re: Newbie] 1
#26435306 - 01/15/20 04:41 PM (4 years, 14 days ago) |
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Paranoia... but I have a damn good reason for it who's asking... are you NSA CIA FBI... WHO DO YOU WORK FOR... also salt... I eat a lot of fucking salt.
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Amanita86
OTD Keymaster


Registered: 09/26/12
Posts: 89,464
Loc: hades
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Re: Monkey on your back.. [Re: Newbie]
#26435308 - 01/15/20 04:43 PM (4 years, 14 days ago) |
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It’s kind of a wonder anyone survived the period when fent slipped in unannounced.
--------------------
Orange clock, pencil "They threw me off the hay truck about noon..."
*Mark 15:34  Gam zeh ya’avor...
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Northerner
splelling chceker


Registered: 07/29/12
Posts: 14,141
Loc: FNQ
Last seen: 17 minutes, 29 seconds
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Re: Monkey on your back.. [Re: Amanita86] 2
#26435425 - 01/15/20 06:22 PM (4 years, 14 days ago) |
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Quote:
Jokeshopbeard said:
Quote:
Northerner said: Firmly under control but could easily get out of hand if I let myself become less self aware again.
Any tips on that one?
I'm fairly under control these days - at least compared to many of my younger years - but man, that desire, that craving.. I feel like that shit never fucking leaves me alone.
That's a serious question, deserves a serious answer mate.
I had a good long honest talk with myself about the causes of my suffering, over some weeks. Waking up at 3am, days in a row, having serious talks with myself about whether I really want to die prematurely and live in constant tension. I was literally eating/snorting/drinking pain habitually for decades but did not realise it. It seemed like fun for a long time but it was just an illusion. It wasn't really fun, it hadn't been fun for a long time, it was just a chase for more. There was never satisfaction, just more anxiety pushing always for more. Even whatever I was using would just intensify the cravings rather than abate them. Realising that illusion and seeing the drugs for what they really are was my eureka moment. Realising that I cannot possibly win a battle against my own will, sooner or later I'll relapse or I'll just live in perpetual anxiety, that I have to change my reasoning. So I started pointing out the lie in my urges to myself. I literally stopped myself when having trigger or craving moments and said to myself things like "No that's a lie" and "No it's a trick, you won't feel better". Several different no's for my own reasons. I refused to dwell on them and just dismissed them immediately as the lies they are. The thoughts went away and the cravings turned into feelings of disgust and revulsion over a pretty short time. Then the urges disappeared.
Knowing what it is, that it is literally suffering embodied. It'd be like grabbing a knife and stabbing myself in the hand. Hard to bring myself to do it, especially as I know how much it hurts because I've done it so many times.
I'm not at the absolute point where I truly don't want substances anymore, rather than just not wanting the negative effects of them. I'm there with some drugs, alcohol and weed mean nothing to me anymore. But I have to sanity check myself and not think for a moment that stimulants are accessible safely for me, they are not. I'll quickly make the same mistakes if I put myself in the situation to do so. Psychs are okay for me though. Nothing like a mild trip to fully slam me back on the rails, make everything even clearer for a brief moment in time.
--------------------
The nearest we ever come to knowing truth is when we are witness to paradox.
Edited by Northerner (01/15/20 06:59 PM)
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LogicaL Chaos
Ascension Energy & Alien UFOs




Registered: 05/12/07
Posts: 69,333
Loc: The Inexpressible...
Last seen: 17 minutes, 21 seconds
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Cool pic 
For me, its Shopping. With an endless Abyss of cool stuff out there, I cant help but spend absurd amounts of money on new stuff. The material world is filled with such interesting man-made and natural-made wonders ready for purchase.
Also weed. Similar reasoning too: A huge array of new, novel strains ready for personal experimention with, all legal in my state. Its a beautiful thing, its an addicting thing.
-------------------- "What you must understand is that your physical dimension affects everyone in the higher dimensions as well. All things are interconnected. All things are One. Therefore, if one dimension is broken or out of balance, then all other dimensions will experience repercussions." - Pleiadian Prophecy 2020 The New Golden Age by James Carwin PROJECT BLUE BOOK ANALYSIS! (312 pages!) | Psychedelics & UFOs | Ready to Contact UFOs? | The Source on Mushrooms | Trippy Gematrix | Dj TeknoLogical | Fentanyl Test Kits R.I.P. Big Worm || The Start of the Ascension Process was 2020. Welcome to the Next Great Era of Earth 🌎🌍🌏
  Oregon Eclipse Festival 2017 :: Aug 19th - 21st :: Pure Paradise   Very Effective LSA Extraction Tek | 💧 Advanced Cold Water LSA Extraction Method 💧 |  Mescajuana - Mescaline with Marijuana | DMT Dab Bongs | UFO Technology! Shpongle
     
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pslyke
fantasmagoric



Registered: 06/12/10
Posts: 4,101
Loc:
Last seen: 1 hour, 6 minutes
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Impostor syndrome
-------------------- "What appears impenetrable to us does exist, manifesting itself in the deepest wisdom and the most radiant beauty" Einstein "The conservatives of 70 years ago would be outraged at what has come to pass. It embodies everything they took up arms for to defeat"Asante
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Dilsnique
Admiral Admirable


Registered: 04/22/14
Posts: 3,800
Loc: Netherworld
Last seen: 1 year, 4 months
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Re: Monkey on your back.. [Re: pslyke] 2
#26436281 - 01/16/20 07:32 AM (4 years, 13 days ago) |
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What's your weakness is this life? Booze. Just can't seem to handle the day to day stupidness, adversity and disappointments of life without it.
What's the demon that catches you when you're unawares? As Hunter S. Thompson used to say, "that demon rum".
What does your monkey look like?
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Niffla



Registered: 06/09/08
Posts: 46,482
Loc: Texas
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Cute monkey, Jokeshop.
--------------------
HAIL OUR NEW OTD KING
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Thayendanegea
quiet walker



Registered: 02/20/12
Posts: 7,596
Loc: 7 Lodges Nation
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Re: Monkey on your back.. [Re: Dilsnique] 4
#26436847 - 01/16/20 01:22 PM (4 years, 13 days ago) |
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Alcoholism is such a beast. It is a vicious cycle that justifies itself as soon as you take the first drink. it tells you you are ok and everyone else is fucked.....until the next day when you drag your foggy ass to work or wherever only to start fantasizing about that first drink when the whistle blows. It is a disease that tells you that you don't have one.
Everyone close to you (these numbers dwindle the longer you stay in active alcoholism) either verbally or silently wonders why you don't have the strength or will power to drink like normal people...you keep trying to do just that. It's been over 20 years since my last drink and I can still taste a Manhattan or the difference between a budweiser and a yuengling in my mind, long after the desire has left me.
I do recommend anyone who has tried unsuccessfully time after time to stop drinking to check out the AA thread. This program saved my life, I have absolutely no reservations about that.
-------------------- Look Deep Into Nature,and Then You Will Understand Everything Better. Albert Einstein
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Newbie
User of semicolons.



Registered: 07/18/04
Posts: 24,710
Loc: SoCal
Last seen: 1 day, 7 hours
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That's fucking awesome, I'm glad to hear that. I made the 6 months but it was my own curiosity that did me in again. I wasn't even craving it, I was just wondering if I could moderate it. I know I can't now and that's just fine. I can definitely abstain, which I'm really lucky for. I mean I've gone to bars with friends to watch games and such and not even been tempted to pick up a drink. Some are not as fortunate and may need that AA assistance.
As an atheist, however, I strongly disagree with the religious aspect the program imposes. If anyone here is like me, there ARE secular alternatives out there that don't teach you that you're powerless alone and must succumb to a higher power.
HERE are some alternatives if needed.
Edited by Newbie (01/17/20 04:20 PM)
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Amanita86
OTD Keymaster


Registered: 09/26/12
Posts: 89,464
Loc: hades
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Re: Monkey on your back.. [Re: Newbie]
#26436900 - 01/16/20 02:13 PM (4 years, 13 days ago) |
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I’ve been focusing a lot on to what degree people’s beliefs, understanding and views are formed by television. (Internet, media etc). I always knew that it was a large part but I’m coming to understand it’s way more than I thought. Especially people who don’t even consider the factor of it, who kind of blindly do it.
It’s a cliche but there’s more than meets the eye with that saying “satan’s best trick was convincing the world that he doesn’t exist.” I really wish I could do some experiments with mainstream sources of news and see what degree it ripples out into the masses. You do sort of see that a little with these 4chan pranks.
What people will take as fact, just because it was presented in an official manner. Even clothing choices or accents to talk with. How much moreso, thoughts...beliefs..
It seems to mirror the mechanism of the cordyceps fungus, your mind has been highjacked son..
--------------------
Orange clock, pencil "They threw me off the hay truck about noon..."
*Mark 15:34  Gam zeh ya’avor...
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Amanita86
OTD Keymaster


Registered: 09/26/12
Posts: 89,464
Loc: hades
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Re: Monkey on your back.. [Re: Newbie] 1
#26436904 - 01/16/20 02:17 PM (4 years, 13 days ago) |
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After all, what are we willing to deny if what it is feels good? The standard of truth, “well, does it feel good?” “Ok, I believe it!”
--------------------
Orange clock, pencil "They threw me off the hay truck about noon..."
*Mark 15:34  Gam zeh ya’avor...
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JustABoxOfRain

Registered: 07/20/17
Posts: 197
Loc: Under my LSD bedsheets
Last seen: 4 months, 14 days
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Re: Monkey on your back.. [Re: Amanita86] 2
#26437091 - 01/16/20 04:11 PM (4 years, 13 days ago) |
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Substance abuse, depression, low self-esteem. So monkeys I guess lol
-------------------- Brotherhood of Eternal Love I have tasted the maggots in the mind of the universe. I was not offended, for I knew I had to rise above it all, or drown in my own shit
Edited by JustABoxOfRain (01/16/20 04:12 PM)
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Shroomslip
Architekt



Registered: 11/25/12
Posts: 23,651
Last seen: 45 minutes, 49 seconds
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Anger and depression. They're always around. I'm convinced I could be a billionaire with the perfect wife and literally every last thing (not just material possessions I'm talking about here, be taller, not losing my hair etc) I could ever want and I'd still feel the same as I do right now. I do have some joy in my life since leaving the shelter.. but they're still always right around the corner. Depression especially. Things are going great, and not even 2-3 hours after I realize I'm happy, content or whatever, something happens "hello darkness, my old friend".
--------------------
With my face against the floor I can’t see who knocked me out of the way. I don’t want to get back up but I have to so it might as well be today. Nothing appeals to me no one feels like me, I’m too busy being calm to disappear. I’m in no shape to be alone contrary to the shit that you might hear. You can't wake up, this is not a dream. You're part of a machine, you are not a human being With your face all made up, living on a screen. Low on self esteem, so you run on gasoline
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Tantrika
Miss Ann Thrope




Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 17,138
Loc: Lashed to the pyre
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Quote:
Jokeshopbeard said: What's your weakness is this life? What's the demon that catches you when you're unawares?
gender dysphoria the worst part is it masquerades as depression so several years of anti-depressants had shit impact but getting onto hormone therapy has resulted in a more positive life outlook and less suicidal thoughts
Quote:
Jokeshopbeard said: What does your monkey look like?
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spirit_shadow
Feature not a bug



Registered: 08/15/11
Posts: 25,665
Last seen: 34 seconds
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Re: Monkey on your back.. [Re: Tantrika] 1
#26437747 - 01/17/20 01:36 AM (4 years, 12 days ago) |
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Dont have any monkeys.... been trying to catch this damn dragon for a minute though
-------------------- ERROR 418 IM A TEAPOT.....(this account is automated, all posts related to illegal activities or advice thereof are strictly from numerous online sites and are for informational purposes only)- Circa 2011 Ban lotto
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sui
I love you.


Registered: 08/20/04
Posts: 31,853
Loc: Cali, Contra Costa Co.
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Re: Monkey on your back.. [Re: Newbie]
#26438847 - 01/17/20 04:13 PM (4 years, 12 days ago) |
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Quote:
Newbie said: That's fucking awesome, I'm glad to hear that. I made the 6 months but it was my own curiosity that did me in again. I wasn't even craving it, I was just wondering if I could moderate it. I know I can't now and that's just fine. I can definitely abstain, which I'm really lucky for. I mean I've gone to bars with friends to watch games and such and not even been tempted to pick up a drink. Some are not as fortunate and may need that AA assistance.
As an atheist, however, I strongly disagree with the religious aspect the program imposes. If anyone here is like me, there ARE non secular alternatives out there that don't teach you that you're powerless alone and must succumb to a higher power.
HERE are some alternatives if needed.
Bill W. Took part in some LSD studies and wanted to incorporate itsuse into the program for those people that had a hard time finding a higher power such as athiests.
It's a taboo topic in the program today but it's true.
-------------------- "There is never a wrong note, bend it." Jimi Hendrix
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Newbie
User of semicolons.



Registered: 07/18/04
Posts: 24,710
Loc: SoCal
Last seen: 1 day, 7 hours
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Re: Monkey on your back.. [Re: sui] 1
#26438856 - 01/17/20 04:22 PM (4 years, 12 days ago) |
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Whoops, had to edit my post. I meant to write secular.
That's awesome, I could see that being very beneficial when administered in the right way. I wouldn't wanna be tripping out in a clinic or something like that.
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trees


Registered: 02/08/09
Posts: 9,194
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Re: Monkey on your back.. [Re: Newbie]
#26438865 - 01/17/20 04:26 PM (4 years, 12 days ago) |
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Cancerous monkey on my back is my delusional concern for time and money
--------------------
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feevers



Registered: 12/28/10
Posts: 8,546
Loc:
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Re: Monkey on your back.. [Re: trees]
#26438885 - 01/17/20 04:39 PM (4 years, 12 days ago) |
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Anxiety
Which leads to substances
Which leads to even more anxiety when they wear off
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watermelon mon
Willow Trees


Registered: 04/05/13
Posts: 7,800
Last seen: 3 years, 3 months
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Re: Monkey on your back.. [Re: trees]
#26438891 - 01/17/20 04:44 PM (4 years, 12 days ago) |
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Probably that I love everybody
Unfortunately in this world that wont get you anywhere
One person told me I should pretty much hate everybody
To just show coldness with no generosity of any kind
He said that he could genuinely see the love that i mean
So he wanted to beat anyone up who was going to mess with it
He told me to stay away from everyone
You can see the same love in the eyes and actions of a child
how happy they can be until they age
Miss him he helped me
Unfortunately his advice may be true
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watermelon mon
Willow Trees


Registered: 04/05/13
Posts: 7,800
Last seen: 3 years, 3 months
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This person actually made sure eveyone showed respect to me
As in or else
Incase if they had a second thought
Believe it or not thankfully it's still there
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JustABoxOfRain

Registered: 07/20/17
Posts: 197
Loc: Under my LSD bedsheets
Last seen: 4 months, 14 days
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Quote:
watermelon mon said: Probably that I love everybody
Unfortunately in this world that wont get you anywhere
One person told me I should pretty much hate everybody
To just show coldness with no generosity of any kind
He said that he could genuinely see the love that i mean
So he wanted to beat anyone up who was going to mess with it
He told me to stay away from everyone
You can see the same love in the eyes and actions of a child
how happy they can be until they age
Miss him he helped me
Unfortunately his advice may be true
I really relate to this, I love everyone but I feel like this can almost be a weakness at times and I'm working on the strength to let it shine and just be myself and not care about the consequences or perceptions of others.
While at the same time acknowledging human nature and being realistic and not letting people take advantage of you. Of course love is abstract but its the only way I can phrase it, I love you all.
-------------------- Brotherhood of Eternal Love I have tasted the maggots in the mind of the universe. I was not offended, for I knew I had to rise above it all, or drown in my own shit
Edited by JustABoxOfRain (01/19/20 01:51 PM)
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Seanmt
Stranger

Registered: 01/16/20
Posts: 22
Last seen: 4 years, 9 days
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Hallucinations give me commands/ fool me
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spirit_shadow
Feature not a bug



Registered: 08/15/11
Posts: 25,665
Last seen: 34 seconds
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Quote:
JustABoxOfRain said:
Quote:
watermelon mon said: Probably that I love everybody
Unfortunately in this world that wont get you anywhere
One person told me I should pretty much hate everybody
To just show coldness with no generosity of any kind
He said that he could genuinely see the love that i mean
So he wanted to beat anyone up who was going to mess with it
He told me to stay away from everyone
You can see the same love in the eyes and actions of a child
how happy they can be until they age
Miss him he helped me
Unfortunately his advice may be true
I really relate to this, I love everyone but I feel like this can almost be a weakness at times and I'm working on the strength to let it shine and just be myself and not care about the consequences or perceptions of others.
While at the same time acknowledging human nature and being realistic and not letting people take advantage of you. Of course love is abstract but its the only way I can phrase it, I love you all.
You should balance it out by doing random acts of rudeness that way it wont be a weakness
-------------------- ERROR 418 IM A TEAPOT.....(this account is automated, all posts related to illegal activities or advice thereof are strictly from numerous online sites and are for informational purposes only)- Circa 2011 Ban lotto
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Northerner
splelling chceker


Registered: 07/29/12
Posts: 14,141
Loc: FNQ
Last seen: 17 minutes, 29 seconds
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Quote:
JustABoxOfRain said:
Quote:
watermelon mon said: Probably that I love everybody
Unfortunately in this world that wont get you anywhere
One person told me I should pretty much hate everybody
To just show coldness with no generosity of any kind
He said that he could genuinely see the love that i mean
So he wanted to beat anyone up who was going to mess with it
He told me to stay away from everyone
You can see the same love in the eyes and actions of a child
how happy they can be until they age
Miss him he helped me
Unfortunately his advice may be true
I really relate to this, I love everyone but I feel like this can almost be a weakness at times and I'm working on the strength to let it shine and just be myself and not care about the consequences or perceptions of others.
While at the same time acknowledging human nature and being realistic and not letting people take advantage of you. Of course love is abstract but its the only way I can phrase it, I love you all.
I am a very caring person too, but I've got older and less prone to exploitation. One time I actually said to someone "Do not confuse my kindness for weakness!". Of course they were blown away and stopped the fuckery. As humans we still need to remember we are primal creatures, despite all of our trimmings and fancy belief systems. Still just animals.
--------------------
The nearest we ever come to knowing truth is when we are witness to paradox.
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sui
I love you.



Registered: 08/20/04
Posts: 31,853
Loc: Cali, Contra Costa Co.
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Re: Monkey on your back.. [Re: Northerner] 1
#26443356 - 01/20/20 03:25 PM (4 years, 9 days ago) |
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Probably more than anything, I am addicted to the internet.
-------------------- "There is never a wrong note, bend it." Jimi Hendrix
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pirate-blues



Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 13,655
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Re: Monkey on your back.. [Re: sui] 1
#26443392 - 01/20/20 03:51 PM (4 years, 9 days ago) |
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Probably more than anything, my ADHD. As an adult with actual responsibilities, dealing with the fallout and consequences of the fall out is tough, much more so now than it was when I was younger - especially because I'm really trying to deal with it without medication or therapy(but I'm starting to concede to at least seeing a doctor again). It's an entirely misunderstood disorder, and there's a lot of depression and anxiety that come with it.
I also tend to self sabotage a lot, which again, I think can be traced back to the adhd. It's entirely frustrating to watch play out because I know I'm doing it, and I know what's happening, but it's like I want to test how far I can take it - while also simultaneously hating myself up for it, and then thinking I deserve it.
Edited by pirate-blues (01/20/20 04:00 PM)
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lavod
Seal Whisperer


Registered: 06/23/06
Posts: 5,440
Loc: Over the rainbow
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Re: Monkey on your back.. [Re: sui] 1
#26443398 - 01/20/20 03:55 PM (4 years, 9 days ago) |
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The monkey on my back is stricken with the fear ov losing connection to the current ov love. Depression, my past alcoholism, and the paranoia that arises from uncertainty are symptoms ov that underlying problem which became problems in themselves. Liberty, light, love, and life. My soular constitution feeds on this embrace. Restriction opposes the current, be it self imposed or a stricture ov disposition outside my willful control. If i look ahead and trod along the path locked in hand and heart, i can forget the monkey's there. But sometimes i cannot help but to stop and look in the mirror. Emotional scars become visible once again, and the monkey's arms tighten around my neck as he faces my reflection in a mocking smile, as if to say "We will both become skeletons one day, but who shall be first?".
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sui
I love you.



Registered: 08/20/04
Posts: 31,853
Loc: Cali, Contra Costa Co.
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Quote:
pirate-blues said: Probably more than anything, my ADHD. As an adult with actual responsibilities, dealing with the fallout and consequences of the fall out is tough, much more so now than it was when I was younger - especially because I'm really trying to deal with it without medication or therapy(but I'm starting to concede to at least seeing a doctor again). It's an entirely misunderstood disorder, and there's a lot of depression and anxiety that come with it.
I also tend to self sabotage a lot, which again, I think can be traced back to the adhd. It's entirely frustrating to watch play out because I know I'm doing it, and I know what's happening, but it's like I want to test how far I can take it - while also simultaneously hating myself up for it, and then thinking I deserve it.
That sounds like me too.😂
-------------------- "There is never a wrong note, bend it." Jimi Hendrix
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pirate-blues



Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 13,655
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Re: Monkey on your back.. [Re: sui]
#26443414 - 01/20/20 04:05 PM (4 years, 9 days ago) |
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The thing that's helped me more than any medical professional, is probably just reading as much as I can about it. It's so much more complex than not being able to pay attention. And no medical professional ever actually explained it to me beyond that. There were so many patterns of behavior and thinking that I had no clue were a direct result of it, and understanding it has helped me identify and fix things I couldn't before.
It's a struggle though, for sure. Solidarity, my fellow freak.
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tyrannicalrex
Strange R



Registered: 04/24/03
Posts: 38,323
Loc: subtropics
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Hey there Pirate! Long time no "see".
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pirate-blues



Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 13,655
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Hi TR - hope you're doing well, happy(belated) New Year!
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Rumblefishtwist
Cyber Bully



Registered: 09/27/09
Posts: 1,040
Loc: Universe
Last seen: 2 months, 7 days
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The monkey on my back? Being an addict, in general. My ex said basically said "you always have to be addicted to SOMETHING if it isn't "x", it's "x". I think she was right.
When I think about it, it's kind of true. If I'm not going through phases of extreme alcoholism, it's extreme uppers/caffeine/pwo addiction, or something else like various forms of opiates. Shit is crazy. One side of my family has a large multi-generational history of addiction, drug/alcohol abuse etc. So it just feels second nature I guess, like eating a meal to sustain to the next "hunger".
The few days of sobriety I encounter these days just feel like complete lethargy, depression, and weirdness, where I am tired beyond all belief and feel fucking strange. Shit sucks lol. I'm sure it's withdrawal/detox, but shit..
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watermelon mon
Willow Trees


Registered: 04/05/13
Posts: 7,800
Last seen: 3 years, 3 months
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Quote:
Northerner said:
Quote:
JustABoxOfRain said:
Quote:
watermelon mon said: Probably that I love everybody
Unfortunately in this world that wont get you anywhere
One person told me I should pretty much hate everybody
To just show coldness with no generosity of any kind
He said that he could genuinely see the love that i mean
So he wanted to beat anyone up who was going to mess with it
He told me to stay away from everyone
You can see the same love in the eyes and actions of a child
how happy they can be until they age
Miss him he helped me
Unfortunately his advice may be true
I really relate to this, I love everyone but I feel like this can almost be a weakness at times and I'm working on the strength to let it shine and just be myself and not care about the consequences or perceptions of others.
While at the same time acknowledging human nature and being realistic and not letting people take advantage of you. Of course love is abstract but its the only way I can phrase it, I love you all.
I am a very caring person too, but I've got older and less prone to exploitation. One time I actually said to someone "Do not confuse my kindness for weakness!". Of course they were blown away and stopped the fuckery. As humans we still need to remember we are primal creatures, despite all of our trimmings and fancy belief systems. Still just animals.
I'm still going to show it. It's in who I've always been.
Ended up in a cage. now I have problems with the law.
Laughed at by cops. Smashed on a car. humiliated
Just stood there all night. next to a cold concrete bed. Behind bars full of cobwebs.
Now it all turns. From how its preserved. within your own heart and soul.
How it changes you. How you can help others.
All I want to do is help people. In anyway that I can.
It had nothing to do with my penis.
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Amanita86
OTD Keymaster


Registered: 09/26/12
Posts: 89,464
Loc: hades
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Drunk in public?
--------------------
Orange clock, pencil "They threw me off the hay truck about noon..."
*Mark 15:34  Gam zeh ya’avor...
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pirate-blues



Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 13,655
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Quote:
watermelon mon said:
Quote:
Northerner said:
Quote:
JustABoxOfRain said:
Quote:
watermelon mon said: Probably that I love everybody
Unfortunately in this world that wont get you anywhere
One person told me I should pretty much hate everybody
To just show coldness with no generosity of any kind
He said that he could genuinely see the love that i mean
So he wanted to beat anyone up who was going to mess with it
He told me to stay away from everyone
You can see the same love in the eyes and actions of a child
how happy they can be until they age
Miss him he helped me
Unfortunately his advice may be true
I really relate to this, I love everyone but I feel like this can almost be a weakness at times and I'm working on the strength to let it shine and just be myself and not care about the consequences or perceptions of others.
While at the same time acknowledging human nature and being realistic and not letting people take advantage of you. Of course love is abstract but its the only way I can phrase it, I love you all.
I am a very caring person too, but I've got older and less prone to exploitation. One time I actually said to someone "Do not confuse my kindness for weakness!". Of course they were blown away and stopped the fuckery. As humans we still need to remember we are primal creatures, despite all of our trimmings and fancy belief systems. Still just animals.
I'm still going to show it. It's in who I've always been.
Ended up in a cage. now I have problems with the law.
Laughed at by cops. Smashed on a car. humiliated
Just stood there all night. next to a cold concrete bed. Behind bars full of cobwebs.
Now it all turns. From how its preserved. within your own heart and soul.
How it changes you. How you can help others.
All I want to do is help people. In anyway that I can.
It had nothing to do with my penis.
It'll be okay man .
You need to help yourself in order to help anyone else. Can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
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lavod
Seal Whisperer


Registered: 06/23/06
Posts: 5,440
Loc: Over the rainbow
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Nice to see you back pirate-blues!
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spirit_shadow
Feature not a bug



Registered: 08/15/11
Posts: 25,665
Last seen: 34 seconds
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Quote:
Rumblefishtwist said: The monkey on my back? Being an addict, in general. My ex said basically said "you always have to be addicted to SOMETHING if it isn't "x", it's "x". I think she was right.
What is this x.... And where can I get some? And what is the difference between x and x? Lmao
-------------------- ERROR 418 IM A TEAPOT.....(this account is automated, all posts related to illegal activities or advice thereof are strictly from numerous online sites and are for informational purposes only)- Circa 2011 Ban lotto
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LogicaL Chaos
Ascension Energy & Alien UFOs




Registered: 05/12/07
Posts: 69,333
Loc: The Inexpressible...
Last seen: 17 minutes, 21 seconds
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I wonder if microdosing mushrooms would help with ADHD.....
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pirate-blues



Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 13,655
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I've read a lot of good things about microdosing for adhd and know a couple of people who do it for other reasons, with good results. I've done it before, but only sporadically, and generally in conjunction with other psychedelics. I'm definitely gonna give it a try when I get my shit sorted out at this new place I'm living at. Nothing's a cure all, but I feel like it's worth a try, for sure.
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LogicaL Chaos
Ascension Energy & Alien UFOs




Registered: 05/12/07
Posts: 69,333
Loc: The Inexpressible...
Last seen: 17 minutes, 21 seconds
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Definitely not a cure but a worthy treatment choice in my opinion.
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sui
I love you.



Registered: 08/20/04
Posts: 31,853
Loc: Cali, Contra Costa Co.
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I'll plan to go go play guitar then as I'm playing guitar and making the money I get drunk.
It's not an excuse but usually I have a window of about 7 hours where I can perform.
-------------------- "There is never a wrong note, bend it." Jimi Hendrix
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sui
I love you.



Registered: 08/20/04
Posts: 31,853
Loc: Cali, Contra Costa Co.
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Re: Monkey on your back.. [Re: sui]
#26444156 - 01/21/20 01:19 AM (4 years, 8 days ago) |
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The people I was in a band with when I was a kid, it would have been fucking awesome. My friends that did not support me will understand the type of music I am portreying.
-------------------- "There is never a wrong note, bend it." Jimi Hendrix
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JustABoxOfRain

Registered: 07/20/17
Posts: 197
Loc: Under my LSD bedsheets
Last seen: 4 months, 14 days
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Re: Monkey on your back.. [Re: sui]
#26450843 - 01/24/20 09:25 PM (4 years, 4 days ago) |
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You know at times it feels like several hundred pound gorillas who are slugging it out
-------------------- Brotherhood of Eternal Love I have tasted the maggots in the mind of the universe. I was not offended, for I knew I had to rise above it all, or drown in my own shit
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Loaded Shaman
Psychophysiologist



Registered: 03/02/15
Posts: 8,006
Loc: Now O'Clock
Last seen: 28 days, 3 hours
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...Aching in my bones; I forgot you said; one day you'll walk alone...
--------------------
  "Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance." — Confucius
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cannabinated



Registered: 01/03/13
Posts: 14,743
Loc: Outside
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i think microdosing can have some help for adhd in very specific does ranges but tolerance develops too quickly
i like a low dose to combat depression
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