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Nomadic Jester
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Registered: 08/14/02
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my current situation in a nutshell
    #2641615 - 05/05/04 02:28 PM (14 years, 19 days ago)

Who?d have ever thought that I?d find myself in this place?
Lost here in my thoughts thinking about your face
Thinking about the way that you always looked at me
And how our time ? however short ? stretched indefinitely

I?d never thought I?d see the day that I?d be missing you
I never thought you?d mean so much ? and oh if that were true
I wouldn?t have to feel as though something were astray
I wouldn?t have to be sitting here missing you today

But alas this seems to be beyond mine own control
The very whisper of thy name is that of liquid gold
Like the sweet sound of nature?s song sweeping through the trees
Could lift you to the highest heights, or bring you to your knees

And even more powerful still is the image of thy face
For that alone can be my bread and take the water?s place
The thought of you within my mind awakens harmony
An inner strength unlike no other grows inside of me

And though the reasons still unclear ? the ?why? still not yet known
One thing?s for sure it?s not because I?m feeling all alone
For that?s a feeling I?ve grown to love ? one I find much comfort in
To be just one is to be safe?as if you always win

But as of now all I seem to feel is the harsh sting of defeat
Coupled with a ray of hope ? it?s all so bittersweet
Not quite a comfort nor a discontent ? but somewhere in between
A place where beauty is all around yet never really seen

Sometimes I can?t help but feel as if there?s something I could do
To bridge the gap between us, and make amends with you
But every time I try ? it seems ? I only fuck up more
And when I don?t do anything it pains me all the more

I guess the only option left is to keep my head held high
And hope that things get easier as the days go by
I already know if I reach out it?ll only make things worse
And I couldn?t bear to bring myself to such an awful curse

So I?ll just continue to sit here still ? dreaming of better days
Knowing that in good time this will all fall to the haze
Eventually this contentment will bloom to such bliss
And until that day ? I sit and wait

Good night my sweet abyss


:craven:  Ravings of a Madman  :craven:

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Sociable loner
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Registered: 10/31/03
Posts: 4,228
Loc: local elementary school
Last seen: 5 years, 9 months
Re: my current situation in a nutshell [Re: Muppet]
    #2641911 - 05/05/04 03:59 PM (14 years, 19 days ago)

Wow, that's really good, Muppet. If I can make 2 comments:

1) You'd be better off taking out the 3 "King's English" instances and replacing them with "your" and "my." I know it sounds more eloquent and dignified, but you really should do it all the way throughout or not at all.

2) The cadence gets rough in some spots, mostly the first lines of stanzas. This could be due to the way I read it, but it might behoove you to try to take a few syllables out, particularly in stanzas 4 and 5.

Overall, I think it's a great poem. You get your point across completely, you've got good rhythm for most of it, and even managed a rhyme scheme for the entire work. that's something I've never been able to do well. Thanks for sharing.


Sometimes karma needs a little help.

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