|
THE BULLFROG
Stranger


Registered: 06/14/19
Posts: 12
Last seen: 4 years, 1 month
|
The waiting game
#26410300 - 01/01/20 01:33 AM (4 years, 1 month ago) |
|
|
Hey all. I rarely post. Haven’t been browsing much as of late. But I took 70g dried pc Pedro with some Peruvian torch chips in the bag. There is something I fee I need to discuss.
Back in high school, I gravitated to coffee then weed then pills then yada yada the same old. My senior year, my friend and I split a quarter of shrooms. Both our first trips. He had a bad time, but I was just immersed in the feeling of myself, but in an eternal sense. Ya know? I fell in love with them and it seemed like my life got organized and found myself. Quit pills, even nicotine temporarily. Stopped eating shit food. Started gardening again. Even decided I wanted to go to school. I will forever thank the mushroom for this. I had subsequent trips but it always felt like my sense of self was being reskinned over and over. I’ve had hard trips end half way through the peak. Just left with a booming echo saying “self”.
More recently, I did go to school. Left that town. A year later found a woman and had a child. He was born spring 2018 for timeline. Last July, that same friend I had that first trip with came down to go camping and eat some sacrament. I had 4 grams and was re analyzing everything. I was just getting an overall jumpy anxious feel. Not negative in any way, my trips have always been great (except LSD) but like a worm inside my brain pushing me to the next moment. And then all of a sudden 3-4 hours after eating 4 grams I began intensely missing my fiancé and child. We both decided to leave. Still tripping. Drove home. And just felt weird but relieved to be home. With her. Know my son is good. For New Years I took the cacti and it is a light trip. But one of my heavier mescaline ones. But it just feels pointless. The thoughts whilst tripping have become my daily thoughts. I honestly just wish I could sleep right now. I’m so bored of this thing I spend months looking forward to. I don’t know. Maybe I need to start trying to change the world like they’ve told me and stop studying the drugs themselves. I am very worried about the future for my son. I recall a quote “once you get the message, hang up the phone” Perhaps it’s all an illusion and the sense of self and happiness is lying asleep next to me. A woman who’s love is as never-ending as I wished my first trip. The true eternal my tripping mind subconsciously yearns. I sort of lost track of where this was going. I’ve just been trying to find reports in the search of people feeling the weird, neurotic angst these drugs seem to bring up in me. Anyone relate? Thanks for the read I guess.
-------------------- "You feel yourself rising slowly And yet falling down upon shattered dreams Crystal sights are shattered And distorted by reality’s truth Again you hear the crying of one thousand harpies As tomorrow is gone You are cleansed You are cleansed You are cleansed You are cleansed You will never hear distortion again"
|
Psilotyl
נָזִיר


Registered: 08/30/19
Posts: 469
Loc: עולם
|
|
Mescaline doesn’t owe you anything. It’s energy is that of a fire starter. And there’s already fire everywhere tonight. It sucks being disappointed, I hope you get some rest. Mescaline/cacti are best suited for being in nature on a quiet day. It doesn’t surprise me that it hasn’t meshed well with your soul on a loud night. Sending positive vibes, whatever that means...maybe just lay in your bed in darkness. I think that might be comforting. Find something soft and rub it. It’s energy is very conducive to that, at least in my experience. You’re okay. Think simply for now. Give yourself credit.
--------------------
שלום וְאור | PEACE & LIGHT
|
Loaded Shaman
Psychophysiologist



Registered: 03/02/15
Posts: 8,006
Loc: Now O'Clock
Last seen: 1 month, 15 days
|
|
Welcome, OP.
Quote:
Psilotyl said: Mescaline doesn’t owe you anything. You’re okay. Think simply for now. Give yourself credit.
This sums it up well.
--------------------
  "Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance." — Confucius
|
THE BULLFROG
Stranger


Registered: 06/14/19
Posts: 12
Last seen: 4 years, 1 month
|
Re: The waiting game [Re: Psilotyl]
#26410333 - 01/01/20 02:13 AM (4 years, 1 month ago) |
|
|
I agree I would have loved to be in nature. But it was not bad setting. I was all snuggled up with the lady. The shroom trip last July was in nature and I just wanted it to end and to be with my family. It’s so weird because at one point That feeling brought me liberation. Now it’s almost like just another chemical being metabolized. Like tripping is a chore. Which is weird because I have a very very bad addictive personality complex and seek mundane chemicals to escape the mundanity of life. Perhaps it is the illusion chemicals bring that makes life seem mundane. The trip vibe almost feels like something is being kept from me and I don’t even know or care if I want it. Perhaps I am answering all of my own questions.
Having a kid was weird too. It’s like my own needs and desires become more insignificant as I prioritize what I need to do to keep myself sane and invest all of my other energy into the improvement of him. By keeping myself sane I mean hobbies. Not drugs lol. Did struggle with alcoholism when he was born but after I shed (and still am) that demon my family blossomed. Plants are my career and psychedelics are plants. Therefore by abandoning the wonder of them I feel as if I’m abandoning a part of me. I hate feeling like that’s what need done, but searching will waste my days away. Psychedelics are fuckin crazy from any point of view imo. It’s their tenacity that excites me. That makes me want to change the world. But at the end of the day I’m still wasting away on the couch. It just bothers me when I’m tripping. Because in sobriety I certainly like to sit and waste away dreaming of tripping. Or maybe I’m just hiding some closet nihilism.
-------------------- "You feel yourself rising slowly And yet falling down upon shattered dreams Crystal sights are shattered And distorted by reality’s truth Again you hear the crying of one thousand harpies As tomorrow is gone You are cleansed You are cleansed You are cleansed You are cleansed You will never hear distortion again"
|
THE BULLFROG
Stranger


Registered: 06/14/19
Posts: 12
Last seen: 4 years, 1 month
|
|
Think simply for now. That is a goal. Maybe my goal with everything I do. The constant disorganization, destruction and rebuilding, sabotaging myself, drugs, sex, THEFACEBOOKS. Thinking. Making lists. Making specific numbers and geometry fit something. A vain attempt to think simply by thinking hard.
-------------------- "You feel yourself rising slowly And yet falling down upon shattered dreams Crystal sights are shattered And distorted by reality’s truth Again you hear the crying of one thousand harpies As tomorrow is gone You are cleansed You are cleansed You are cleansed You are cleansed You will never hear distortion again"
|
Psilotyl
נָזִיר


Registered: 08/30/19
Posts: 469
Loc: עולם
|
|
Quote:
THE BULLFROG said: Think simply for now. That is a goal. Maybe my goal with everything I do. The constant disorganization, destruction and rebuilding, sabotaging myself, drugs, sex, THEFACEBOOKS. Thinking. Making lists. Making specific numbers and geometry fit something. A vain attempt to think simply by thinking hard.
Love. Concentrate on this idea for now.
You have a lot of chaotic energy. I know because I have been in the same place. The first thing to do is develop or enhance your capabilities for self love. Mescaline is wrestling with you to try and teach you this at this very moment.
You may be struggling in this moment, but in an hour, thirty or fifteen minutes, this can be different. Don’t underestimate the power of potential just because you are stricken now as not to see it. It’s there. Hopefully I’m making sense...you can change your reality faster than it seems like could even be possible right now.
Relax and allow flow to take you and move you. It’s not about doing; there is no “doer” to do it anyway. Love. Love in all things. It is the prime mover.
What are you good at? Think of that thing. Now be proud of it. Really allow yourself to be proud. Feel the love this creates and let it radiate. Don’t be afraid. It isn’t hubristic. It’s just love.
Regarding vices: concentrate on removing one at a time. Go easy on yourself when you fall. It’s all about resilience, man. You can do it.
Facebook is toxic or can be. It purports to be a microcosm of life and is definitely not. It’s an unrealistic facsimile. You can gain from it pretty much nothing but it can take from you. Abandon it. For the most part. Give it no credence. Why be a holygram martyr? Beware the vortex. Keep your profile so people know your still alive (Lol) but leave it pretty much to that or occasional posts.
One step at a time, and simply, through love.
--------------------
שלום וְאור | PEACE & LIGHT
|
THE BULLFROG
Stranger


Registered: 06/14/19
Posts: 12
Last seen: 4 years, 1 month
|
Re: The waiting game [Re: Psilotyl]
#26410562 - 01/01/20 08:01 AM (4 years, 1 month ago) |
|
|
The lady still keeps mine on for her relationship. But zuck has pretty sociopathic tendencies (maybe we all do) but he could use your last post lol.
But hey man thank you for the kind words and watching this manifold try to organize. I agree with love. I lost my emotions starting high school because an incident that got me kicked out of school, my first actual love left, and I was a good, smart, caring kid that 9 months probation proved its own dysfunction on. After probation, the depression sort of went away and I dove head first into drugs. A little stealing. A little violence. Not who I am. Like I said, towards the end of high school, mushrooms brought me back, I didn’t feel love but I knew I was a being of it. The empathy I felt as a child manifested in me as an insane love for everyone without actually feeling love myself. Became anti-war, pro nature, and finding more and more love this place needs daily. Up until recently everything I felt I had to analyze the reality of it to feel how too feel. I just strted feeling randomly one day a month or two ago. I can feel the love in my stomach like your favorite opiate. I no longer had to know my relationship was right and good to be able to create a not quite facade of love, but an open attempt to feel it. No longer feeling like self controlled psychopath.
The crutches are hard. Alcohol is garbage. 9/10 times I drink I feel worse. So that is easy to leave with the past. I went from cigs to those pod vapes, to taking bong hit of cigs (.5-1 cig a day) and now onto a 33% mapcho blend. Kratom is hard. We’re single income and I feel like I can’t do everything, being a family guy, and not losing my mind without “a little help from my friend”. Opies are fantastic and that is why it’s been years since I’ve touched a pill. Never majorly addicted to those. But kratom has a routine held on me. 2-4 g 2-3 times a day. Not much and I wouldn’t feel bad if I didn’t have to keep it secret. Lady thinks that’s why I had trouble feeling. At first. I did twice as much and maybe one more time a day when we met. I guess I can’t enjoy drugs because I can’t stop Obsessively doing them and letting their chemistry become my own. Again, thank you. I hope you ushered in that new year joyously.
-------------------- "You feel yourself rising slowly And yet falling down upon shattered dreams Crystal sights are shattered And distorted by reality’s truth Again you hear the crying of one thousand harpies As tomorrow is gone You are cleansed You are cleansed You are cleansed You are cleansed You will never hear distortion again"
|
|