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Darwin23
INFJ



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Have you stayed with a partner through depression?
#26401582 - 12/26/19 12:47 PM (4 years, 1 month ago) |
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Last year, my fiancee and I made a multi-thousand mile trip across South America. Even though we ran out of money, missed flights and had all kinds of issues thrown our way, we were happy. We explored places and when we were broke, we went to free parks or did stuff in the apart in Buenos Aires. Things were good and we were excited for a future together.
Flash forward to now: We're living in Bogota. She hardly ever leaves the bed, let alone the apartment. She says she feels sick/bad/not okay every single day, with no exceptions. She is negative to the point that she can hardly make a comment without it being a criticism. At current, it feels like living with a dementor from Harry Potter. She can offer NOTHING positive, uplifting or helpful. I'm trying to hold on, but she's so resistant to treatment of any kind that I don't believe she'll ever get better.
Has anyone had a depressed partner who did get better?
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living_failure
unworthy



Registered: 06/13/19
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Re: Have you stayed with a partner through depression? [Re: Darwin23]
#26402602 - 12/27/19 07:35 AM (4 years, 1 month ago) |
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Quote:
Darwin23 said: Last year, my fiancee and I made a multi-thousand mile trip across South America. Even though we ran out of money, missed flights and had all kinds of issues thrown our way, we were happy. We explored places and when we were broke, we went to free parks or did stuff in the apart in Buenos Aires. Things were good and we were excited for a future together.
Flash forward to now: We're living in Bogota. She hardly ever leaves the bed, let alone the apartment. She says she feels sick/bad/not okay every single day, with no exceptions. She is negative to the point that she can hardly make a comment without it being a criticism. At current, it feels like living with a dementor from Harry Potter. She can offer NOTHING positive, uplifting or helpful. I'm trying to hold on, but she's so resistant to treatment of any kind that I don't believe she'll ever get better.
Has anyone had a depressed partner who did get better?
Yes i did.
Eventually, if they do nothing on themselves to improve their illness, you will need "push them" into it. I don't think depression is one of those things that fixes itself by doing nothing.
Have patience, but push. Don't let an illness destroy both of your lives.
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Dark fatal7
Mycophile


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Re: Have you stayed with a partner through depression? [Re: living_failure]
#26405026 - 12/28/19 04:34 PM (4 years, 1 month ago) |
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I have been with partners that have depression and I myself have bi polar depression and it can get realllllllly bad. My best advice is the following.. I myself went through a bunch of stuff and it made me just like this. I wanted nothing to do with the world or anybody in it. I was not positive I just wanted to die. Until I took actions in my life to do things different I stayed that way. I started small by setting goals for myself. I started to tell myself positive affirmations. I put at least a little time each day to making myself better. This took an extreme amount of will power and choice. On the other hand I have been with a few women who suffered from depression that never got better and it ended up devestating my own mental state and eventually our relationship. I would say start slow and try and see if she has the will to make herself better. If after some tea she doesn't even want to do the simplest things then that is your cue to maybe walk away. In the end you can't help someone who can't help themselves
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bloodsheen
ChemChaplin



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Re: Have you stayed with a partner through depression? [Re: Dark fatal7]
#26411542 - 01/01/20 08:56 PM (4 years, 27 days ago) |
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Depression doesn't "get better," you work on depression. For the rest of your life more often than not. I was given an extremely karmic relationship earlier this year, after putting off getting help for my depression for 12 years I finally got help and fell in love soon after. At the time I thought life was handing me hope and rewarding me for doing the right thing. Now I know it was a punishment and a reminder of what I will go back to if I let my depression languish. I've never met someone more in denial of their mental illness. It tore us apart in no time, I would give anything to have her get help so we could be together. But that will never happen now, we just didn't meet at the right time. And anyone she meets in the future will eventually end up the same way until she gets help.
I know ultimatums are unfair and 90% pointless. But you may have to make her choose between treatment and you. Not as a means of control but as a last ditch to save yourself.
Good luck mate. Don't forget you didn't fail, you tried something different and it just didn't work out as you'd hoped. There's nothing wrong with going home and trying again. But letting her drag you down with her isn't fair to you or her.
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A cautious young fellow named Lodge / Had seat belts installed in his Dodge. / When his date was strapped in / He committed a sin / Without even leaving the garage. That's clever, isn't it?-A boy and his dog
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Dark fatal7
Mycophile


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Re: Have you stayed with a partner through depression? [Re: bloodsheen]
#26411729 - 01/02/20 12:20 AM (4 years, 27 days ago) |
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All valid points. At some point if she doesn't want to help herself then it will drag you down with her
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Mach z 800
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Re: Have you stayed with a partner through depression? [Re: Dark fatal7]
#26430148 - 01/12/20 06:41 PM (4 years, 17 days ago) |
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I think you should try an get her out of the house an in to nature an when the time is right have along talk with her an ask her whats on her minde an whats bothering her so much. This kind of relationships can be very hard an complicated an draining. Iv beem down this road. The thing is you can give up an allways give her your support. No matter how she lashes out dont give up.
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bloodsheen
ChemChaplin



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Re: Have you stayed with a partner through depression? [Re: Mach z 800]
#26430163 - 01/12/20 06:51 PM (4 years, 17 days ago) |
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Quote:
Mach z 800 said: I think you should try an get her out of the house an in to nature an when the time is right have along talk with her an ask her whats on her minde an whats bothering her so much. This kind of relationships can be very hard an complicated an draining. Iv beem down this road. The thing is you can give up an allways give her your support. No matter how she lashes out dont give up.
That's the worst advise I've ever heard
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A cautious young fellow named Lodge / Had seat belts installed in his Dodge. / When his date was strapped in / He committed a sin / Without even leaving the garage. That's clever, isn't it?-A boy and his dog
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3domfighter
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Re: Have you stayed with a partner through depression? [Re: bloodsheen]
#26457506 - 01/28/20 07:33 PM (4 years, 1 day ago) |
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Start microdosing her (with her consent) and seek novel experiences form you to engage in. that’s what get me out of bed. And at some point you may have to make the choice to leave. If you were married that would be a different story, but if this continues I wouldn’t consider it a long term option unless she’s really working hard to take steps toward getting well.
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JohnRainy
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Re: Have you stayed with a partner through depression? [Re: bloodsheen]
#26457777 - 01/28/20 11:09 PM (4 years, 21 hours ago) |
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Quote:
bloodsheen said:
Quote:
Mach z 800 said: I think you should try an get her out of the house an in to nature an when the time is right have along talk with her an ask her whats on her minde an whats bothering her so much. This kind of relationships can be very hard an complicated an draining. Iv beem down this road. The thing is you can give up an allways give her your support. No matter how she lashes out dont give up.
That's the worst advise I've ever heard
What's so bad about it?
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laughingdog
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Re: Have you stayed with a partner through depression? [Re: Darwin23]
#26460215 - 01/30/20 12:56 PM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
Darwin23 said: ... my fiancee and I made a multi-thousand mile trip across South America... ...She hardly ever leaves the bed, let alone the apartment. She says she feels sick/bad/not okay every single day, with no exceptions. She is negative....
. Well it could be psychological, and it could be a parasite or tropical disease picked up during your travels. And parasites or tropical diseases can be fatal. Given this very real possibility, any sane person, should be willing to see a doctor. If that doesn't work as leverage to get her out of the house and a bit proactive, then it is quite possible that nothing will change in terms of her attitude.
Edited by laughingdog (01/30/20 01:07 PM)
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bodhisatta 
Smurf real estate agent


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Re: Have you stayed with a partner through depression? [Re: laughingdog] 3
#26463396 - 02/01/20 10:37 AM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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In my experience people either help themselves or they don't. Depression works entirely backwards than most people believe. Your perspective creates a chemical imbalance. A chemical imbalance doesn't happen and cause depression. Unless you're born or had an injury to your brain that causes a chemical imbalance the problem is caused by you and not the other way around. Brains don't just decide to stop being happy, people do and you can measure their brains and see the changes. Just like eating too much saturated fat and cholesterol makes you fat rather than being fat makes you seek out those foods. Like when you get stressed out or think about something stressful you can literally raise your cortisol levels in real time. People with depressed thought patterns make chemical changes in their brain. Wearing a rut into your brain makes a path that's hard to get out of. Medicine is the easy way out. It can cure the chemical imbalance imposed by the person with a shit perspective. This in some cases can help people build new perspective and ween off the drugs. Most people don't have the willpower to change. You'll have to stick around and find out or not.
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Kimble
Idiot

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Re: Have you stayed with a partner through depression? [Re: bodhisatta]
#26463408 - 02/01/20 10:46 AM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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One of the symptoms of depression is that it destroys the willpower needed to fight the depression. It reduces the effects of stimuli that normally illicit a serotonin response so when the thought of getting better might help someone, those in it's maw won't even get that. In their mind there is no better, whether that's true or not is a matter of perspective.
You have to ask yourself if you love them enough to stick around. Because it will be hard on you too. It's a big ask of someone to stick around whilst you go through depression. If you are going to do it, it's a lot easier if you love them. Sometimes even if you do love them, it can be too much. They might never understand that, then again they might.
I've been left by a partner during my most severe depression and it was a wound that i would hesitate to say ever healed. But I don't blame her, hindsight has helped me to forgive her. I understand it. I have also stood by my current partner during depression and so I know how trying it can be. Impossible at times.
Nobody can make that choice for you, and no-one can judge you for leaving if that is the choice you make. Because you could potentially be saving your own life by doing so.
Just be honest with your motivations, intentions to yourself and your partner. The truth might hurt but it's better than the alternative.
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NicodArleone
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Re: Have you stayed with a partner through depression? [Re: Darwin23]
#26464535 - 02/02/20 01:19 AM (3 years, 11 months ago) |
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You are the problem. I have been depressed before and there was a person that was root of my problem.
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Darwin23
INFJ



Registered: 10/08/10
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Loc: United States
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Re: Have you stayed with a partner through depression? [Re: NicodArleone]
#26502085 - 02/24/20 06:37 PM (3 years, 10 months ago) |
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Just an update for this thread, she's been getting better over the past months and has become far more stable. I think we just needed an injection of a little hope and a little more time for her.
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faerie



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Re: Have you stayed with a partner through depression? [Re: Darwin23] 1
#26510143 - 02/29/20 05:58 PM (3 years, 10 months ago) |
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I understand first hand how difficult it is to be with someone with chronic depression, but IMO, you're a piece of shit if you leave someone just because they're depressed. Part of being in a relationship is helping your partner be the best they can be. Grow together, don't just give up. If you love someone, you'll be there for them thru thick and thin.
THE BEST thing you can do for them is just try to make them smile. Remind them they can still be happy. Do the things they like, bring them flowers, be kind, patient, and loving. It may be difficult, but it's worth it to keep trying.
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Darwin23
INFJ



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Re: Have you stayed with a partner through depression? [Re: faerie] 1
#26517565 - 03/04/20 09:58 PM (3 years, 10 months ago) |
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Quote:
faerie said: I understand first hand how difficult it is to be with someone with chronic depression, but IMO, you're a piece of shit if you leave someone just because they're depressed. Part of being in a relationship is helping your partner be the best they can be. Grow together, don't just give up. If you love someone, you'll be there for them thru thick and thin.
THE BEST thing you can do for them is just try to make them smile. Remind them they can still be happy. Do the things they like, bring them flowers, be kind, patient, and loving. It may be difficult, but it's worth it to keep trying.
That's my feeling but at the same time, if someone is constantly depressed and not really willing to make any effort (at the time of the post, I'd do whatever I could just to get her out of the house but she'd refuse), at some point you have to look out for yourself too.
Ultimately, I love her and I belong with her and just sticking it out paid off
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Thanatos10
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Re: Have you stayed with a partner through depression? [Re: bodhisatta]
#26521882 - 03/07/20 09:03 AM (3 years, 10 months ago) |
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The perspective doesn’t create the chemical imbalance
-------------------- As lightless oblivion devours you, drown in the ever-blooming darkness.
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bodhisatta 
Smurf real estate agent


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Re: Have you stayed with a partner through depression? [Re: Thanatos10]
#26521938 - 03/07/20 09:39 AM (3 years, 10 months ago) |
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It do tho.
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Thanatos10
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Re: Have you stayed with a partner through depression? [Re: bodhisatta]
#26522055 - 03/07/20 11:00 AM (3 years, 10 months ago) |
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Quote:
bodhisatta said: It do tho.
Research seems to suggest otherwise
-------------------- As lightless oblivion devours you, drown in the ever-blooming darkness.
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CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub


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Re: Have you stayed with a partner through depression? [Re: Darwin23]
#26523814 - 03/08/20 11:53 AM (3 years, 10 months ago) |
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I'm glad for you and your lady Darwin.
Depression is a bitch and it's real hard to be around someone who has it. But I'm glad you stuck it out and that she's doing better.
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Free time is the only time
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