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OfflineMorel Guy
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Registered: 01/23/13
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Was touched a little bit last night
    #26383022 - 12/15/19 09:49 AM (4 years, 1 month ago)

It tends to happen more when I cannot sleep.  Seems not busting a nut can just be terrible at times.  It sucks needing that, but the stress of not sleeping and becoming uncomfortable and the pressure of my nervous system can just be really bad.

But I had a moment where I was touched.  My self became at peace and I was seeing energy in my minds eye that was a little more ecstatic.  I was seeing something like stained glass that was not defined at all.

Mostly it's the change that follows.  I did take some valarian which can help bring about good feelings, if one knows how to relax.  I didn't sleep until 3 am, had a good amount of coffee yesterday.

If I could do what I want and not have to give into holding onto behaviors I believe I'd be more productive spiritually.  My life has been hugely complicated.  Both by life traumas and legal and illegal drugs.

Call it tao, call it God, call it whichever cultural reference you desire.  It's nice to be touched by grace that forgives and inspires.  It does take the agony of trying, and it comes in finding letting go.

When it's been so dangerous to let go with effort.  I did think about how in a way a cycle repeats in existence.  Things fall from grace, get buried in the muck of being away from the divine.  Only to get stronger and find that power of grace and divinity even more well.

The subconscious can hide a lot of things.  But it's like that am I'm not resisting with covert means.  It's more pleasurable then drugs, because it's legally reassuring.

I do hope to touch and be touched by whatever the human reference to the divine is more.  Mostly when I meditate it's a cognitive manipulation.  It gets more subtle and my mind becomes less able to manipulate into good feelings.  But it's never being touched like when I'm sorta suffering and find a moment of self being at peace.  That always happens in bed.

I thought last night before being touched that we should be stronger than our feelings.  Call it the devil, but perception and motivation that originates from the self cannot do much by lying to itself.  So that is where meditation skills can be very grounding.  To drop efforts that become devil like with self deception.


--------------------
"in sterquiliniis invenitur in stercore invenitur"

In filth it will be found in dung it will be found


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OfflineJohnRainy
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Registered: 07/09/19
Posts: 1,244
Last seen: 3 years, 11 months
Re: Was touched a little bit last night [Re: Morel Guy]
    #26384086 - 12/15/19 08:23 PM (4 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

When it's been so dangerous to let go with effort.  I did think about how in a way a cycle repeats in existence.  Things fall from grace, get buried in the muck of being away from the divine.  Only to get stronger and find that power of grace and divinity even more well.




Gee, I sure hope that's how it works.  It seems to me it does probably.

I grew up in the fire and brimstone brand of Catholism,  with a mentally ill mother who was obsessed by these things and also into the Marian movement.

God was some guy who is just so goddam mad at us all the time, just so disgusted with us that he wants to punish us and bring a 'chastisement' onto the Earth, and the only reason he isn't doing that is because Mother Mary is begging him not to!

She'd read all the newletters and fanatical writings of these people, believing it all.

So she'd drag us into the den to pray the rosary night after night.  Long version, with extra prayers.  Because that's what the Marian movement says you need to do.  Natter off those repetitive prayers day in and day out. 

Some people find great spiritual value in that sort of activity, but the angle we were approaching it from back then in the 1980's with my mom in the den was just neurotic.

This was one of the prayers,

Hail, holy Queen, Mother of mercy, hail, our life, our sweetness and our hope. To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve: to thee do we send up our sighs, mourning and weeping in this vale of tears. Turn then, most gracious Advocate, thine eyes of mercy toward us, and after this our exile, show unto us the blessed fruit of thy womb, Jesus, O merciful, O loving, O sweet Virgin Mary!  Pray for us, oh holy mother of God, that we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ. Amen.

Disenfranchised bunch of beggars we are, according to that.

I don't reject it entirely, we are really eclipsed from God here, and there is much work to do, but there is an expression there of what Alan Watts meant when he said that the christian religions tend to make people feel they are here strictly on a probationary basis and don't really belong, which is disempowering.

Psychedelic drugs helped me to get over that instilled belief, and come to know the character of God a bit more clearly.

It really is psychologically destructive to always think you're probably going to christian hell, where God locks you up in a torture chamber and throws away the key.  Fuck man, growing into a young man with a very high sex drive, it was so conflicting!  Every time I saw a pretty female, you know, and all those thoughts and images that would pop into my head all the time.  You know what Im talking about.


Many are still trapped in that sort of delusion.  Westboro Baptist church comes to mind.  Thank God Im not from there, I might have been hooked up with those looneys.


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