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OfflineLion
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Huddled around the flickering candle of life (LSD experiences) * 3
    #26371251 - 12/09/19 03:58 PM (4 years, 2 months ago)

I originally posted this in The Psychedelic Experience but I think it might actually be better suited to this forum, given the spiritual contents of the trip. I'm not very happy with this trip report and wish I had recorded everything sooner after the fact, but maybe some of you will connect with it. :hippie:

I hadn't used any entheogen (not counting large doses of cannabis) since 2011, and hadn't had a proper trip since roughly 2009. My housemate's friend mailed us some LSD paper tabs, and I brought 1 1/4 tabs with me on a six-day vacation to visit a friend in Montreal. Some background about me: I had a life-changing trip in January 2007 when I took a very high dose in a public place and had what could be interpreted as a psychotic break or ego death experience. It was indescribable, though I've tried many times since here at the Shroomery and elsewhere. A lot of my life has been defined by that and parts of me have been trying to integrate it ever since.

I've traveled around the world and lived in several countries since then. I've suffered from ulcerative colitis, depression and post-traumatic stress - or, from another perspective, an ongoing spiritual emergency, being totally unable to control my body's energies and the latent traumas I'd been carrying from my early life and perhaps even past lives. I've explored hypnotherapy and other healing methods and grown slowly into coping with living an adult life, with lots of pain along the way.

When I went to Montreal my intention was to unwind and explore, reconnect with a friend, and probably mainly to explore my mind with LSD and take another step toward healing.

I'd broken up with my partner two months prior, and during and after the breaker had felt I was in contact with a deeper part of myself, continuously in dialogue with it. I had then had a traumatic fall and injury while high on cannabis and klonopin and was abusing substances and on some kind of subtle, slow-burn depressive spiral.

After catching up with my friend all morning and afternoon, sitting at a Middle Eastern cafe smoking shisha and drinking coffee and tea, I returned to my airbnb apartment and dosed in the evening. I took less than half a tab. The cold winter air was coming in through the thin windows and I didn't know how to adjust the heating, so I kept layers on and had a blanket. I lit a candle and put incense in a little Buddha incense holder.

I started to come into the acid head space, which I would describe as kind of bubbly, thick and subtly ecstatic. I had my phone and I was checking various apps to which I'm addicted, seeing if friends were connecting with me any way. I put on some songs that had been meaningful to me recently.

After this first trip I wrote a more detailed report that I later regrettably deleted because I was embarrassed about it. I spent much of the trip going to the bathroom, peeing and shitting. The caffeine and shisha smoke had inflamed my sensitive GI system and I guess the acid magnified everything, so I just felt the need to head to the bathroom every ten minutes or so for hours. It got melodramatic and dark and also seemed funny at the same time. I talked to myself in the mirror, asking myself who I am, what I want, what kind of power if any I have to guide myself through this life, why I seemed so ingenious at coming up with new ways to suffer.

Fragments of other personalities came to the fore throughout the night. One of them was a jaded Irish man with a biting, cynical sense of humor - like Samuel Beckett, who I'd been reading recently. I thought, as I often do, about the personality fragments, the seemingly foreign postures and attitudes, that live within me and tend to come out when I'm stoned. Are they from past lives? Are they from my absorptive child's brain? How do they manifest in such hilarious, bitter, timely, cosmic ways?

Things got very heavy as they tend to, and I reminded myself I was under the influence of a substance and would return to a more familiar baseline. I felt my root chakra mixing up sexual ecstatic (divine) energy with the urges to vacate and with thoughts of death, fear, suffering. I wondered whether my body's energies would ever heal and make me healthy and vigorous in the way that I deem good for a human being, or whether chronic pain would be by my side for the rest of my journey on this plane. I thought about the many physical and psychological pains that people suffer with and what they must think, how they must question God for afflicting them and question the nature of a life that separates them from how they would like to feel and be.

I had set my intention as one of healing, and as I sat there reflecting on my life and on my 2007 LSD trip, which I had viewed through the lens of the trauma it had inflicted on me, I realized that that trip had in a roundabout way, in its own time, been healing me from the part of my life preceding it. I had been interested in spirituality and liberation then - desperate for liberation - but was living the life on an American teen mired in a haze of alcohol, drugs, partying, craving sex, feeling lonely and depressed, spending hours and hours surfing the internet, developing unhealthy obsessions. The LSD had shown me how far the adolescent me was from where I needed to be to successful navigate (and transcend) the world. In the decade since, I realized, there had been quiet, unobserved progress toward integrating those extremes.

In the early hours I fell asleep and slept until 11 a.m. or noon. I had indeed returned to a baseline and my body felt okay even after the unnatural amount of purging. I walked around the city, tried to speak with people in French, went to the Fine Arts Museum, got caught in big snow flurries.

Three evenings later I took another dose, roughly two thirds of a tab, this time earlier in the evening after meeting my friend and his girlfriend for breakfast in a vegan cafe and then strolling through town.

I lit candles and incense and drank hot water, and huddled once again under the blanket. I could hear people in the streets below me, discussing, laughing, arguing, going to bars and restaurants. I put on kirtan music by Krishna Das and Jai Uttal.

As the effects became more pronounced I found myself connecting with my inner self and discussing life's mysteries with myself, chief among them the mysteries of suffering, violence, cruelty. As I stared at the candle flame on the table in the living room of the apartment, feeling cold air pouring in, my mind and body were flooded with images and sensations. I thought of the terror of living through an aerial bombardment, hearing the roaring jets of planes that have come to drop bombs and explode you, your family, your children. I thought of what it must really mean for there to be a God, a universal intelligence, in a world where a mother and her child can be exploded into pieces by a bomb, or where a person can be locked inside their own body for decades suffering agonizing pain every day and barely able to communicate with the outside world. How good must the other side of the coin be, for that horrible side of the coin to be allowed to exist? And what if there was no reason for any of it? And what if I am God on a deeper level and I am responsible for it?

I looked at a carved giraffe huddled in the fern plant in the corner of the room, and reflected that my body, my eyes, the air between me and the giraffe, the giraffe's mischievous, ineffable expression, the ferns, and everything else in the room was mind - my mind, the mind, mind itself.

The trip took me into serious thinking about how I live my life and how I struggle with shame at my relative privilege and my inaction, groaning reluctance, sloth in the face of suffering that I could be helping to alleviate. I thought about what it means to be a man, a male: the half of humanity that commits almost all the violence - the terror of war, rape, sexual violence, the violence of turning women variously into objects and forms of property and items of prestige, the violence of living entire lives removed from our inner femininity and queerness, terrified of it. I felt ashamed of myself and also pitied myself for not being healthy of mind and body and figure out how the hell to be useful in this cold world to people who materially have nothing compared to me, or who psychologically are so much farther than I am from light. I wondered if the LSD, or my guru or inner self, were teaching me and telling me that I need to work to serve others, even if it means radically changing my life path; or if the LSD was magnifying thought patterns that already exist and which are just hindering me and keeping me mired in shame and the lethargy of depression.

I drifted to sleep in the early hours again, uneasily, my mind and body feeling fatigued. I felt overwhelmed but resilient. Once again I woke up and was at a calm baseline.

Since then I'm thinking about the concept of karma, how we each carry unique karmas, energetic frequencies, patterns and habits of mind that follow us from moment to moment (life to life?), that we have to live out, de-tangle ourselves from, observe even as we are powerless to keep them from fully manifesting in our bodies, minds and life stories. I think about apana, the concept of expelling trapped energies through breath and movement. I did that kind of work with my hypnotherapist, thrashing around, screaming, weeping, taking deep breaths, trying to observe the storms and waves of my mind from a remote mountain peak, detached observing.

I don't know how to conclude this. I'm still lost, in contact with something, making choices that I tell myself I do not want to make, and simply observing myself making them and observing the karmic fruits they bear. All of this will continue and... that's it. I know very little.

Thank you for reading if you made it this far (and even if you didn't).


--------------------
“Strengthened by contemplation and study,
I will not fear my passions like a coward.
My body I will give to pleasures,
to diversions that I’ve dreamed of,
to the most daring erotic desires,
to the lustful impulses of my blood, without
any fear at all, for whenever I will—
and I will have the will, strengthened
as I’ll be with contemplation and study—
at the crucial moments I’ll recover
my spirit as was before: ascetic.”


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InvisibleEternalCowabunga
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Re: Huddled around the flickering candle of life (LSD experiences) [Re: Lion]
    #26371366 - 12/09/19 04:37 PM (4 years, 2 months ago)

What a lovely trip report :tripping:

Thanks for sharing, Lion :heart::heart::heart:


--------------------


Edited by EternalCowabunga (12/09/19 04:37 PM)


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OfflineLion
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Re: Huddled around the flickering candle of life (LSD experiences) [Re: EternalCowabunga] * 1
    #26371749 - 12/09/19 07:22 PM (4 years, 2 months ago)

I'm glad you read it and enjoyed it old friend! :hippie:


--------------------
“Strengthened by contemplation and study,
I will not fear my passions like a coward.
My body I will give to pleasures,
to diversions that I’ve dreamed of,
to the most daring erotic desires,
to the lustful impulses of my blood, without
any fear at all, for whenever I will—
and I will have the will, strengthened
as I’ll be with contemplation and study—
at the crucial moments I’ll recover
my spirit as was before: ascetic.”


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OfflineJohnRainy
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Registered: 07/09/19
Posts: 1,244
Last seen: 4 years, 16 days
Re: Huddled around the flickering candle of life (LSD experiences) [Re: Lion]
    #26372175 - 12/10/19 01:18 AM (4 years, 2 months ago)

Thanks for posting that.

That's some good stuff there, and I can relate.  The 'psychotic break' and it being such a pivotal moment, the introverted trip, the confusion.

Those are some very important themes you are thinking about there, and some heavy karma you are carrying too.

I believe if your mind remains open you will come to find the answers to these things you are wondering about.  That's what the mind does after all, it comes to know what it focuses on.  So try not to worry about it too much, OK?


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OfflineJohnRainy
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Re: Huddled around the flickering candle of life (LSD experiences) [Re: JohnRainy]
    #26372183 - 12/10/19 01:25 AM (4 years, 2 months ago)

And maybe lay off the acid.

After all, you don't want to reach for the secret too soon.

That's from an old pink Floyd song, you probably know.  It's about Syd Barrett, who cracked up real bad from doing LSD too much.  He never recovered. 

I think you may getting close to the point where you've had enough for the rest of your life.  Maybe 1 hit trips with friends on a special occasion or something, but you'd better be thinking about this.  This shit is real.  People crack up from doing too much LSD sometimes.


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OfflineJohnRainy
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Re: Huddled around the flickering candle of life (LSD experiences) [Re: Lion]
    #26372192 - 12/10/19 01:33 AM (4 years, 2 months ago)

Here you go.  This is for you.

Everybody on this website needs to know who this man is.


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OfflineLion
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Re: Huddled around the flickering candle of life (LSD experiences) [Re: JohnRainy]
    #26375522 - 12/11/19 04:46 PM (4 years, 2 months ago)

Thanks, JohnRainy. Ram Dass has been a big part of my life and reading Be Here Now before, during and after psychedelic experiences has definitely realigned my mind over time.

I take what you say about psychedelics and reaching for the sun too soon, only to burn up, seriously. I trust myself to use psychedelics in moderation, but I do recognize I need to be a better steward of my daily life and mind to actually benefit from using them.


--------------------
“Strengthened by contemplation and study,
I will not fear my passions like a coward.
My body I will give to pleasures,
to diversions that I’ve dreamed of,
to the most daring erotic desires,
to the lustful impulses of my blood, without
any fear at all, for whenever I will—
and I will have the will, strengthened
as I’ll be with contemplation and study—
at the crucial moments I’ll recover
my spirit as was before: ascetic.”


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OfflineGrapefruit
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Registered: 05/09/08
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Re: Huddled around the flickering candle of life (LSD experiences) [Re: Lion]
    #26384090 - 12/15/19 08:26 PM (4 years, 2 months ago)

Sounds cool Lion. I hope you can find the ways and means to integrate with and serve in this world as you seem to desire.


--------------------
Little left in the way of energy; or the way of love, yet happy to entertain myself playing mental games with the rest of you freaks until the rivers run backwards. 

"Chat your fraff
Chat your fraff
Just chat your fraff
Chat your fraff"


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OfflineLion
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Re: Huddled around the flickering candle of life (LSD experiences) [Re: Lion] * 1
    #27314296 - 05/18/21 09:18 PM (2 years, 8 months ago)

I wanted to add a follow-up to this post. It describes an experience that took place about a year and a half ago, but goodness, so much has changed (and much has remained the same - and much within me has remained in contact with that experience).

I've had numerous meaningful psychedelic experiences since the one I wrote about in the original post, many of them coming during the "lockdown" period of the pandemic (~ March-June 2020). I wanted to write about the one I had a couple nights ago.

I recently came to a small tropical country after receiving the covid vaccine. I'd had other travel plans derailed by the pandemic and its many unforeseeable effects. I spent a good deal of the past year, and especially the winter months, paranoid, depressed, angry, and sad. When my travel plans fell through, a series of other things were taking place that thrust me back into a place I didn't quite think I could ever fully return to: being suicidal and actively fantasizing about ways to leave the world; seeing no plausible future that I'd like to inhabit, and unable to stand back and be the witness of my suffering rather than wholly identifying with it. I felt abandoned and burdened by chronic pain and self-doubt.

With help from friends, my therapist and spiritual teacher, and the passing of time, I came around to a better place. Coming on this month-long trip to this new country came about by virtue of me not really being sure what else to do, and wanting to reaffirm to the universe that I am not trapped in one place or mental space and can return to being the nomad I once was.

I arrived and immediately began having lots of things happened that I interpreted as strange karmic things playing out - locking myself out of the cabin in the jungle I'd rented, naked and late at night, moments after I'd arrived there; constantly losing keys, credit card, phone, etc., and frantically searching for them; and many other things that seemed to come together at just the right time to make me want to scream into the sky.

I bought some magic mushrooms from a young guy on a bicycle. He had a sketchy vibe and ripped me off - I paid a lot and the mushrooms I got were full of insects, barely edible, and probably contained no psilocybin.

After a couple of experiences trying to have a trip on them, I focused more on other parts of my trip here, like getting acquainted with where I was living, setting up a routine to study for courses I'm taking, and spending time at the beach.

One afternoon I walked into an organic grocery store and a nice-seeming British and Australian couple were casually buying fresh psilocybin cubensis from the young Mexican grocer. There was a good aura in the place; it felt totally different from my earlier transaction. I bought some fresh mushrooms from the guy, ate a couple on the way home and a couple more later on in the night, and had a fairly intense introspective trip, wherein I spent a lot of time walking around naked in circles in my jungle cabin. I spent the night in bed with my mind like an endless labyrinth, much of the time focused on past relationships, possible future ones, my health, my self-doubt, playing out every scenario of the turns life can take. Endless maze of thought, palpable, gray and black. At some point I put on a guided meditation and found it aligning powerfully with my experience.

A couple nights later, I had a bigger trip, chopping up a large quantity of the fresh mushrooms, which I'd kept in the fridge, and letting them soak in fresh squeezed lime juice for thirty minutes before eating them.

I began to walk barefoot through the garden in the backyard of my cabin, where giant ferns and beautiful jungle flowers grow and where I often see big tropical birds, hummingbirds, butterflies, and many other exotic animals. (Also lots and lots of leaf-cutter ants..)

I was getting bitten by mosquitoes so I went back inside. I guess I tidied up a bit and paced around. Before I knew it I was tripping very hard, and simultaneously a very hard tropical rain began and was slamming down on the corrugated iron roof of my cabin.

It's hard to express how this portion of the trip was, but it was very emotionally intense, as I felt I was looking with open eyes at all the paranoia, fear (including fear of human and transhuman/metaphysical evil), suicidal ideation, and despair I had felt and tried to mask in various ways over the past months. I also felt, much like in my experience in Montreal with the cold air and the flickering candle, that the corrugated iron roof being pounded by this torrential downpour was a metaphor for the precarity of human life, how all the bad is sometimes held out by so very little, a flimsy structure, a tiny glimmer of warmth. The rain felt to me like the bombs exploding over Gaza, or like the brief spasm of violent conflict I once lived through while overseas, that traumatized me and gave me more of a glimmer of understanding of the true human cost of armed conflict.

I looked at the structure I was staying in, built by people I'll never meet, rented to me by a kind local woman via an app on the world wide web, in its simplicity still far more intricate than anything I've built or could easily learn to build. I thought of the incredible economic systems that most of us rely on, how much good there is in them (being able to trust fellow humans to provide the goods which sustain us, in exchange for our own productivity in some other area - or not) and how also there is so much violence and precariousness inherent in all of it. I felt inseparable from the web of humanity in all its darkness and light - that terrifying psychedelic sensation of knowing, or perceiving yourself to know, that there's really nowhere else to turn, nothing beyond this world to transcend to, just this great and terrible suchness - being here.

At some point I wandered into the bedroom I'd been staying in for two weeks and noticed there is a large mirror on the wall - I had somehow failed to notice this obvious fact. My first glimpse of myself and something in me recoiled, and I felt myself saying (to myself), "This is body dysmorphia. You don't accurately perceive your body." I went and looked at myself and I looked like a stranger who was also familiar and hated. I felt like a being peering through time at absolutely nothing. I saw my body, my sensitive gut inflamed as usual due to my ulcerative colitis and having eaten things that make it inflamed, and thought, I am getting old, I don't have a clear perception of how I look, I am delusional. I also felt that I look like Ram Dass or Ramana Maharshi - but unlike them I am not capable of being a holy vessel, a teacher, a guru. I felt like a fraud, and I identified with all the dark personas of human nature - murderer, predator, glutton, dissolute, lecherous, failure, shameful being.

I began to try to talk positively to myself, saying that although I and everyone contains all of this darkness and these terrible potentialities, I myself am doing my best, trying to be ethical, trying to work with my shadow. I don't remember if this is the exact kind of self talk I used or really what the hell was going on between my ears, but this is the gist of where I was trying to guide myself to. See the shadow, accept it, don't touch or identify with it, or something like that.

Throughout the night, at various intervals, I put on kirtan music and either sang along or allowed it to help guide the experience in whatever way.

I put on a guided meditation. The teacher seemed to be speaking perfectly to my current state. It was incredibly intense. The rain was pouring throughout much or all of it. The teacher seemed to be manipulating energy and calling forth a deeper energy within me. It worked on me and eventually I settled into a calmer part of the trip, lying in bed and feeling held by the earth, letting go of some of the intense anxieties and fear, both personal and world-level, that had been overwhelming me.

It was a tremendously intense trip. I since had a much more mellow experience eating some of the remaining mushrooms in the evening after a day spent in the sea - my consciousness became expansive and I could feel, as I often do on such days, the currents and waves of the ocean continuing to ripple through my body and mind, well into the night.

Reflecting on the psychedelic experiences I've had since the trip in Montreal, almost none of them have been when my body and mind felt 'good' and 'stable' exactly. Some have been spontaneous, some have been after days filled with anxiety, chronic pain, dark thoughts, and eating crap that I knew would leave me feeling bad. So all of these trips have had an element of suffering, feeling the eternal thoughts of the psychedelic landscape applied to the sufferings of every day life with chronic illness and in a world full of fear and suffering.

I feel very humbled by all these experiences. This intense recent trip seemed like kind of a "hang up the phone" trip, which is not something I have ever particularly believed in or valued. It did kind of seem to be saying, you've seen the shadow, you're familiar with the crazy patterns of monkey mind, you see where you're hung up and caught, now go and do the work and you needn't ever visit me again (at least not with this level of intensity). That's just an interpretation of it though, and I'm sure reality will have whatever plans it has.

Thanks for reading - this one is definitely longer and less coherent than the original, and that's saying something. :lol:


--------------------
“Strengthened by contemplation and study,
I will not fear my passions like a coward.
My body I will give to pleasures,
to diversions that I’ve dreamed of,
to the most daring erotic desires,
to the lustful impulses of my blood, without
any fear at all, for whenever I will—
and I will have the will, strengthened
as I’ll be with contemplation and study—
at the crucial moments I’ll recover
my spirit as was before: ascetic.”


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OfflineBartTheOracle
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Re: Huddled around the flickering candle of life (LSD experiences) [Re: Lion]
    #27315555 - 05/19/21 08:39 PM (2 years, 8 months ago)

Beautiful report!


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OfflineLion
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Re: Huddled around the flickering candle of life (LSD experiences) [Re: BartTheOracle]
    #27316388 - 05/20/21 01:45 PM (2 years, 8 months ago)

Thank you, I'm glad you found it enjoyable. :hippie:


--------------------
“Strengthened by contemplation and study,
I will not fear my passions like a coward.
My body I will give to pleasures,
to diversions that I’ve dreamed of,
to the most daring erotic desires,
to the lustful impulses of my blood, without
any fear at all, for whenever I will—
and I will have the will, strengthened
as I’ll be with contemplation and study—
at the crucial moments I’ll recover
my spirit as was before: ascetic.”


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