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Randalf the Grey
Woodland Creature



Registered: 06/11/19
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Trying to do good, may be doing more harm
#26370885 - 12/09/19 12:53 PM (4 years, 1 month ago) |
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Touched on this a bit in another form, figured I might as well make an actual thread in the appropriate place.
due to some financial issues with family members, my girlfriend recently lost her house. she has a young son and a job, but recently changed jobs and doesn't have enough pay stubs to get another place immediately, so she asked to move in with me. there's no way I can say no to that. It is literally her only option other than living in her car and I do care about her so I can't let that happen. The city is not a safe place for anybody to be living their car. I know of at least one person personally who was robbed at gunpoint while doing so. It's not going to be any better for a female. However, I know that we (I) are (am) not ready to be living together. I have my doubts about whether or not we should even continue the relationship. We have been off and on for about 4 years for various reasons. I've been trying to just grit my teeth and tough it out, but the inevitable is starting to happen. I knew this was a bad idea, likely the beginning of the end for us, and even voiced that to her but again, there was no other option. Now it looks like we are one sentence away from breaking up and she still has no where to go. I feel like the biggest piece of shit in the world for making a hard time even harder on her but I don't know which is the right thing to do. I want to help,I do care about her, but feel like am just hurting her more by trying to help.
So that's it I guess. How do you gauge what's right when all options feel wrong.
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feldman114
Stragler

Registered: 09/06/19
Posts: 3,365
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Maybe don’t lay your indifference on her while she’s going through what sounds like a hellish scenario? Couldn’t you just wait until she has enough pay stubs before re-crushing this crushed person?
I know this isn’t the whole story, but judging from your post, you’re sorta an asshole. And that’s coming from a guy with this avatar.
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Randalf the Grey
Woodland Creature



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Re: Trying to do good, may be doing more harm [Re: feldman114]
#26370911 - 12/09/19 01:09 PM (4 years, 1 month ago) |
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Not denying the being an asshole part,but confused on which part. Is it more harm to give her hope of a future that may well not be there while she is staying with me, or to tell her I am unsure of our future while she is staying with me?
To be honest though, I'm more of a dick. Hence MY avatar.
Edited by Randalf the Grey (12/09/19 01:10 PM)
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LikeMyc
Microscopicologist


Registered: 12/06/19
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You gauge what is right by using basic morals and being real with what you want. Based on what you have stated, i'd help her get her self together again ASAP and have her move out, while being honest about not being ready to live together permanantly. I would wait until she has moved out before breaking up with her.
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Randalf the Grey
Woodland Creature



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Re: Trying to do good, may be doing more harm [Re: LikeMyc]
#26370927 - 12/09/19 01:17 PM (4 years, 1 month ago) |
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Just to clarify, in no scenario will I be kicking her out with no place to go, regardless of how the relationship goes. We had a fight last night and she started to grab a bag to sleep in her car. I did not and will not force her to stay, but as stated this city is not safe for her to do that so we kept talking until she decided not to do so.
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LikeMyc
Microscopicologist


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I think you know what to do. Keep the peace while she is there and give her a hand without misleading her. Hopefully you both can keep your emotions in check through this process, especially for the sake of her son.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Yeah you don't need to tell her that you don't foresee a future with her. You don't even need to hint at it.
You obviously care for her (or at least did once), so man up and take care of her until she gets back on her feet.
You don't have to lie to her to keep her feeling OK and support her a bit in the meantime. Just be nice. Be friendly. Be caring.
It's not hard.
-------------------- Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not. --Jac O'keeffe
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Randalf the Grey
Woodland Creature



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Re: Trying to do good, may be doing more harm [Re: LikeMyc]
#26371033 - 12/09/19 02:24 PM (4 years, 1 month ago) |
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That was my thought process. Just help her out and deal with the rest later, until our last argument.
We discussed moving in back in February when I signed this lease.i said I felt we weren't ready for that and didn't want to force it as I had in the past and know it can end bitterly. When this scenario start to unfold and she asked to move in again reiterated that I do not want her living in her car, and absolutely will give her a place to stay, but that it would be temporary because we are still not in that place emotionally\mentally and she agreed\understood. until last night during our argument when she said that her plan was just to stay with me until my lease ended in February and then we could get a place together. So now I feel even more so that letting her believe everything is great and I am happy about the situation it's harmful. When I try to explain this last night, one of the things she said was if we can't make it work now we never so she'll just leave. So it has kind of turned from helping her out while she gets on her feet to either we live together forever or shes going to go sleep in her car.
Just a really shitty scenario and seems like there is no good outcome to be had.
And again, just to clarify, I am not looking for an answer. I don't think there is one in these types of matters. Just useful insight.
Edited by Randalf the Grey (12/09/19 02:31 PM)
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feldman114
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She says she Wants to move in with you. But what she Needs is a break and some living options. The options will present themselves if you just give her a break for a while. Put yourself in her shoes - she sees no other way out right now.
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Randalf the Grey
Woodland Creature



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Re: Trying to do good, may be doing more harm [Re: feldman114]
#26372105 - 12/10/19 12:01 AM (4 years, 1 month ago) |
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Basically you have all echoed my own thoughts, which I supposed was the expected outcome. I do appreciate all of your input. I really do just want her to be happy. She deserves to be. Just not sure I'm the guy for it, and this is a really bad time to figure that out. But as I promise to myself and people who loved me, I have to try to do good, not just when it is convenient. Every decision you make should be a crisis of morality. Is there a good or a right and if so are you doing that and if not why? But we don't live on a world of absolutes so here I am.
There was another comment that appears to have deleted. I will just say that I know 100% without a doubt that she could not have created or put herself into the situation intentionally.
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ZombiWurm
Stranger

Registered: 10/15/18
Posts: 644
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Quote:
Randalf the Grey said: That was my thought process. Just help her out and deal with the rest later, until our last argument.
We discussed moving in back in February when I signed this lease.i said I felt we weren't ready for that and didn't want to force it as I had in the past and know it can end bitterly. When this scenario start to unfold and she asked to move in again reiterated that I do not want her living in her car, and absolutely will give her a place to stay, but that it would be temporary because we are still not in that place emotionally\mentally and she agreed\understood. until last night during our argument when she said that her plan was just to stay with me until my lease ended in February and then we could get a place together. So now I feel even more so that letting her believe everything is great and I am happy about the situation it's harmful. When I try to explain this last night, one of the things she said was if we can't make it work now we never so she'll just leave. So it has kind of turned from helping her out while she gets on her feet to either we live together forever or shes going to go sleep in her car.
Just a really shitty scenario and seems like there is no good outcome to be had.
And again, just to clarify, I am not looking for an answer. I don't think there is one in these types of matters. Just useful insight.
Honesty is always the best approach. Be straight up with her. Tell how you do care about her but she cannot stay with you permanently because it isn't what you want. In the meantime you need to figure out exactly what you want to happen. It seems that she is taking the help as a sign that you want to be with her.
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