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OfflineOrioncat
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A Secular Mind Dies. Boredom. 4 grams PE hybrid. * 1
    #26325427 - 11/16/19 10:14 PM (1 year, 3 months ago)

This is my first trip report so bear with me. It's a long one and I won't be butthurt if you skip it. I'm writing this as thoroughly as I can to add to the wealth of anecdotal knowledge out there. Perhaps it will help someone. Perhaps not.

Background:
-Myself: 33 year old Male, 200 lbs
-Dose: 4.0 grams (dried) of a Penis Envy Hybrid
-Dose taken at 17:30 11/15/19 after a whole day of fasting.
-2 glasses of Grapefruit juice consumed, one at 1700 and one at 1730 upon ingestion.
-I am an atheist and have no religious views.
-I have ADHD.
-I find I have developed a general anxiety after leaving the military
and I'm using mushrooms with the intent of personal growth and therapy (in which, I find they are helping in a life changing way)
Environment: Sunroom (relaxing room with lots of windows, upstairs)

The Trip:
How do I even begin? This is my second trip, the first being a level 3 experience. I was really excited for this one. My goal was a level 4 trip but I think I overshot a little bit. I recorded the details of this trip on paper, noting time and feeling. I am using this notepad as a guide to write this entry.

After ingestion, I had put on a Nigel Stanford playlist on Pandora (with other artists like Carbon Based Lifeforms and Amethystium), grabbed a pen and paper, and laid myself down on a rather large, comfortable bean bag chair. My wife was downstairs with our daughter. She had said she would come check on me from time to time. I was laying down, excitedly waiting for the show to start. at 1806 I noted slight nausea and heartburn and by 1807 I noted my senses starting to alter, starting to feel detached from reality and the more I wrote in my notepad, the more I went down the rabbit hole. By 1812
I was in a classic level 3 trip with my environment becoming a shimmering, swaying colorful experience. Colorful tapestries on the wall had that mother of pear sheen to them, everything was like an oil slick on water. I noted a feeling of warmth.

The music at this point had become a deeper, almost chewy, tangible thing. My cat "Miso" had laid down by my side and while having a normal appearance with my eyes open, I noted cat face fractals when I closed my eyes. By 1830 I noted being in a level 4 experience. This is where reality started to drastically warp. I felt myself melting into the bean bag, my personality dissolving into the universe. Notably, there weren't many extraordinary visuals to speak of. I had done Salvia back in my college years and this started to remind me of some of those experiences. In particular, the room started jolting in a visual way, like a VCR with bad tracking.

By 1835 I noted that the past 5 minutes seemed like hours. As I waved my hand in front of me, I noted trails and smears behind it. Hard to describe but think about finger painting with spacetime and reality.

Sometime between the 1835 and 2130, my ego died. I no longer felt a sense of self. I was aware of having a body, but I could not feel it. Time was nonexistent. I had splittings of my personality. My love for my wife and child were there but I felt my mind homogenize with the universe. Time and reality had a solid, almost wet feel. At times, I felt as if I were under warm water, breathing water but with no sense of drowning. It was as if I was the water itself. I had no emotion, There were times when I should have been scared but was unable to even process what emotion was. I had become a conscious honey-like substance. I was just matter, along with the rest of the universe. I felt beauty without emotion.

Multiple eternities passed with myself in this state. I noted that time felt like plastic. It was a tangible mold-able substance like silly putty. I began having thoughts that I might be stuck like this, but I assured myself that I would one day come back to reality. My music would fade in and out at times, sometimes with myself experiencing multiple eternities in one song.

At 2145 I started having a revelation. I couldn't feel my body, it didn't exist, nor did time nor did my personality. This must be what it's like to die and still be conscious. I found this so funny. It was hilarious to me that my eternity would be spent being an emotionless, bodyless thing that has to spend eternity listening to Pandora. I felt extreme boredom. Boredom and humor. I noted at 2158 that it's very interesting being in my head with a secular mind. There was no agency, no god, no beings. It was just myself, a conscious bunch of atoms, not too different from the rest of the universe.

At 2200 I could tell my body had a headache but I felt fine. My body could have been on fire and I don't think I'd have felt it nor cared. Time was still nonexistent.

At 2202 I wrote "This is death with consciousness. LOL. No sense of self, just sit here for eternity listen(sic) to Pandora! LOL Glad they have internet." It was hilarious how I had come to find an enlightenment, an eternal, and I did. And I found it boring.

A few minutes after that, my emotions started coming back. I still had no sense of self but I was aware of being happy, sad, memorized ect... I got up and walked downstairs (which would have been easier if they weren't moving) where my wife was watching Netflix. I laid down on the couch with her and watched some show (have no idea what it was or was about). Time was moving very slow. Each 5 minutes felt like 30. Whatever 30 minute episodes we were watching seemed like feature length JRR Tolkien movies.

Ending the trip:
At 2351 I came back upstairs to write in my log. "I'm back. Went downstairs to watch Netflix. just now coming out of trip. Sense of time back. Brain is tired. Body is tired and sore? WTF did I do? Contort myself?"

"I think I was afraid of dying and losing myself. Now I can say what it's like to be dead and conscious. It's boring. Eternity is boring. LOL!"

Shortly thereafter I went to bed, there were still classic flowing visuals, mother of pearl surfaces ect... no closed eye visuals. My brain felt too tired to trip anymore I guess.


Next Day:
I feel from a documentation standpoint, this next part is important. After all, what you experienced and what you remembered the next day are two different things.

1123 11/16/19 
Woke up around 10
Shower
Bowl of hearty soup for brunch.
I wrote:

"I feel that afterglow of peace but mentally numb at the same time. I think my brain is trying to process last night's experience. But how can it? The loss of sense of self, ego death, and the merging with the universe where time, emotion, existence ceased. It took on a solid feel. Sound, music was a solid. Time was a solid. I can't put it to words. How can I? I think my biggest takeaway this one is being conscious for eternity is boring.

That feeling of boredom Alice got when she was stuck in the woods in wonderland. I did not exist. Only my sense of humor at times. I experienced my sense of self dissolve. My mind keeps searching for a lesson, something to be learned from this experience.

With the removal of existence and emotion, I became a conscious rock. Our brains are purely chemical. I saw no existence of a soul or God or sense of agency. I was just my chemical self. Hard to describe. It was neither good nor bad. There was no concept of good and bad. It just was. Like the rest of the universe. it just is. We just are. What do I take away from that? Like has no meaning? We give our own lives meaning. In a universal sense, we just exist as all matter does. One day I'll go back to this level. I feel like I can learn more here.

There's something I'm missing I feel. I remember my personality splitting at one point. I felt multiples of myself. I wonder what's going on biologically in my brain that does that. I felt like i should have been scared but I wasn't. What was there to be scared of? My state of being just was as it was."

Then I blabbered on about some of the details written above in the trip part. In particular I mentioned the being on fire and not caring part. "A wall doesn't care if you knock a hole in it." was how I put it to words.



Phew* I know that was long and if you stuck through it, I thank you. If you just skipped down to the end, I understand. I had to get this out. As I'm sure everyone here is aware, these are powerful experiences and sharing is part of the therapeutic process of this powerful medicine.


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Invisibleredgreenvines
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Re: A Secular Mind Dies. Boredom. 4 grams PE hybrid. [Re: Orioncat]
    #26329933 - 11/18/19 11:02 PM (1 year, 3 months ago)

that is not too long, and it is well enough written so no problems there.

I particularly like reading about time distortion experiences and appreciate how this experience was informed by your earlier experiments with salvia, especially as you noted trails melting and multiple selves (trails and multiple selves are also a time distortion effects to your mind's eye).

though you mention some discomfort to the extent of fire, it seems you remained calm (bored)) throughout.

I think there is nothing wrong - I am taking boredom as a bonus!

I hope you can do it again some time, it is therapeutic, and a good way to get familiar with your mental contents in a non-judgmental (bored / calm) way.


--------------------


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Offlinereeelax
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Re: A Secular Mind Dies. Boredom. 4 grams PE hybrid. [Re: Orioncat]
    #26331339 - 11/19/19 04:36 PM (1 year, 3 months ago)

Fist of all, that was very well written and thank you for sharing!

We have a few things in common that I was pleasantly surprised to see! I'm also an atheist and am planning my first trip relatively soon. I also listen to Carbon Based Lifeforms and HUVA Network when I want to focus and work! I know many people claim these experiences are very spiritual, so I'm looking forward to seeing what that is like. I firmly believe we are a complex molecular machine trying to make sense of their objective reality.

This is actually very fascinating to read. I feel like I already have many of these thoughts in the absence of psilocybin. I only have experience with cannabis and no experience when it comes to psychedelics. I can't even fathom what this must be like. I've read that it can take days to weeks to sometimes process these thoughts. Terrence Mckenna speaks about processing these thoughts for a long time, check out some of his talks if you haven't. I find them very fascinating, he has a very peculiar and interesting way of speaking.


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OfflineOrioncat
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Re: A Secular Mind Dies. Boredom. 4 grams PE hybrid. [Re: redgreenvines]
    #26334152 - 11/20/19 08:01 PM (1 year, 3 months ago)

I have been in a state of reflection since the trip and I would have to agree with you. Boredom is not a bad thing. I feel as though I've been going through a transformation this past week and I'll have to write a follow up post for those details. Thanks for your input.  :grin:


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OfflineOrioncat
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Re: A Secular Mind Dies. Boredom. 4 grams PE hybrid. [Re: reeelax]
    #26334210 - 11/20/19 08:19 PM (1 year, 3 months ago)

When you do your first trip, I would love to hear about it. Please do a trip report and send me the link. I'm curious how other non-religious minds view their trips in contrast with spiritual/religious minds.

I also enjoy H.U.V.A. Network. I might suggest you listen to that (or any music you prefer) especially if you plan on taking a higher dose for the first time. What I found out about the music was it allowed me to have a reference point in reality and time, which some might view as a hindrance depending on how you want to navigate the rabbit hole.

In any case, my only true advice is to give in to the trip, don't fight it, and if faced with something challenging, face it head on. There's no such thing as a bad trip if you come here to learn. Hell, I've only tripped twice... You will get to know yourself very quickly. Also, I would recommend refraining from cannabis for about a week before you take your first trip. I find it hinders the experience, but it can be a good tool to relax yourself should you find anxiety taking over the trip according to what I've heard.

The other thing I learned from my last trip is that when the brain is tired, it'll stop tripping. I really felt myself hit a wall on the backside of the trip and it kinda put the brakes on unlike my first one where I glided gracefully back to reality. I think if I were well rested, that wouldn't have happened.     

Thanks for the info on Terrence Mckenna. I'll check him out.

Enjoy your trip! :mushroom2:


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OfflineOrioncat
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Re: A Secular Mind Dies. Boredom. 4 grams PE hybrid. [Re: Orioncat]
    #26342124 - 11/24/19 12:36 PM (1 year, 3 months ago)

One week followup:
Overall attitude has been positive. Afterglow has all but faded however, dreams have been quite vivid. Also, time feels a lot longer in my sleep. For instance, I'll hit my snooze on my alarm and usually the 5 minutes that passes between alarms seems almost instant. For the past week though it feels a lot longer than 5 minutes (more like 30) which I view as a plus.

I've also had some spontaneous thoughts or closed eye visions when falling asleep. The most notable of these occurred a few days after the trip. I was lying in bed, eyes closed but not asleep when a very vivid explosion of purple against a white background just, well, exploded. It was enough to jar me to sit up and open my eyes. If you google an image of "explosion of purple " that's exactly what I saw. I don't reckon I've ever seen that image or video before but I could be mistaken.  The fact that it just happened without warning or any thought input from myself is what makes me correlate it with mushrooms. I underdstand correlation and causation are not the same though. Just interesting.

Mentally I've been reflecting more on mortality and existence. A friend referred me to Allen Watts so I've been listening to his stuff. I've also decided to try a float chamber in a month or so. I say this here only because that decision was brought on by this past trip.


Typed from my phone. This post will probably be edited.


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OfflineLoaded Shaman
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Re: A Secular Mind Dies. Boredom. 4 grams PE hybrid. [Re: Orioncat]
    #26343888 - 11/25/19 07:07 AM (1 year, 3 months ago)

This was one of the better, more well-written trip reports I've read on here in weeks. Great use of language to convey the in-language-able, OP. Thank you for taking note of these effects that you experienced!


--------------------


Rational-Philosophy.net


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Offlinereeelax
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Re: A Secular Mind Dies. Boredom. 4 grams PE hybrid. [Re: Orioncat]
    #26346498 - 11/26/19 12:48 PM (1 year, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Orioncat said:
When you do your first trip, I would love to hear about it. Please do a trip report and send me the link. I'm curious how other non-religious minds view their trips in contrast with spiritual/religious minds.

I also enjoy H.U.V.A. Network. I might suggest you listen to that (or any music you prefer) especially if you plan on taking a higher dose for the first time. What I found out about the music was it allowed me to have a reference point in reality and time, which some might view as a hindrance depending on how you want to navigate the rabbit hole.

In any case, my only true advice is to give in to the trip, don't fight it, and if faced with something challenging, face it head on. There's no such thing as a bad trip if you come here to learn. Hell, I've only tripped twice... You will get to know yourself very quickly. Also, I would recommend refraining from cannabis for about a week before you take your first trip. I find it hinders the experience, but it can be a good tool to relax yourself should you find anxiety taking over the trip according to what I've heard.

The other thing I learned from my last trip is that when the brain is tired, it'll stop tripping. I really felt myself hit a wall on the backside of the trip and it kinda put the brakes on unlike my first one where I glided gracefully back to reality. I think if I were well rested, that wouldn't have happened.     

Thanks for the info on Terrence Mckenna. I'll check him out.

Enjoy your trip! :mushroom2:





Thank you! I'll be sure to do a trip report when I do take my first dose. Likely going to be 1.5g golden teacher tea. I've already planned on making an ambient playlist of Carbon Based Lifeforms, HUVA, Brian Eno and Aphex Ambient Works. I actually agree with you that I'd probably need something familiar to ground me a bit since it's my first. Once I've had a feeling for it, I can venture deeper.

I appreciate the advice regarding not fighting it. I really really really appreciate that. I've had other tell me the same thing. I've tried 0.6 microdose and it wasn't enough to really be that perceptible, but I recall sitting and thinking about just letting go mentally and having them show me what is pent up in the recesses of my own mind. I think I need that tbh. That's my primary intention and goal.

It's also fascinating to read your follow-up posts, especially regarding sleep and dreams. I have a pretty shitty sleep routine right now and don't really dream much. I'm curious to see what psilocybin would do for me on that front as well.


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Offlinenomorefear
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Re: A Secular Mind Dies. Boredom. 4 grams PE hybrid. [Re: Orioncat]
    #26469484 - 02/05/20 01:57 AM (1 year, 26 days ago)

Very good trip report, thank you!
I also experienced identity confusion during my 2 trips.
Your description of the cessation experience is very interesting from atheist POV. When I had my short 30-sec cessation experience, it was accompanied by mild bliss and the eternity state felt good. I had done meditation the night before and then fell into that state during deep sleep. I wouldn't call it unity-experience personally, so I can understand the atheist POV.


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