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OfflineJacquesCousteau
Being.
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Registered: 06/10/03
Posts: 7,825
Loc: Everywhere, Everytime.
Last seen: 1 year, 5 months
Please critique my latest writing.
    #2627462 - 05/02/04 11:25 AM (13 years, 6 months ago)

"Something That's Not There"

Stealthily I sit along
the broken bones of a new song,
and suddenly I see the signs,
that something isn't there.

I toss and turn all night and on,
til something comes to write the wrong
and suddenly I can't despise,
something that's not there.

Awoken by the morning sun,
from sleep not slept by anyone..
to find the time to find the rhyme,
that defines what's not there.

And in that moment, I did run.
I chased my thoughts around the sun,
to find in time, it's just the shine.
You can't find what's not there.

We find our time, it waves goodbye
You can't find what's not there.


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OfflineBlastrid
e l e m e n t al i t y
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Registered: 01/14/02
Posts: 3,323
Loc: The Desert
Last seen: 9 years, 9 months
Re: Please critique my latest writing. [Re: JacquesCousteau]
    #2627532 - 05/02/04 12:00 PM (13 years, 6 months ago)

I love the rhyming pattern. I'm no poet, but I like it quite a bit. In the second stanza is "til something comes to write the wrong" supposed to be right? Or is it a play on words...

Conceptually cool too, you can't find what's not there...

I digs jackqueez


--------------------
Blas'?trid (bl?s tr?d)
    n.  3rd generation derivitave of a combination of 'bastard' and 'blasted'.  Used as both an insult or an expletive.
    ex.  Blastrid!

Stereopattern  <--My music.


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