Home | Community | Message Board


The Best Salvia
Please support our sponsors.

General Interest >> Music, Art, and Media

Welcome to the Shroomery Message Board! You are experiencing a small sample of what the site has to offer. Please login or register to post messages and view our exclusive members-only content. You'll gain access to additional forums, file attachments, board customizations, encrypted private messages, and much more!

Jump to first unread post. Pages: 1
OfflineJacquesCousteau
Being.
Male User Gallery

Registered: 06/10/03
Posts: 7,825
Loc: Everywhere, Everytime.
Last seen: 1 year, 1 month
Please critique my latest writing.
    #2627462 - 05/02/04 11:25 AM (13 years, 2 months ago)

"Something That's Not There"

Stealthily I sit along
the broken bones of a new song,
and suddenly I see the signs,
that something isn't there.

I toss and turn all night and on,
til something comes to write the wrong
and suddenly I can't despise,
something that's not there.

Awoken by the morning sun,
from sleep not slept by anyone..
to find the time to find the rhyme,
that defines what's not there.

And in that moment, I did run.
I chased my thoughts around the sun,
to find in time, it's just the shine.
You can't find what's not there.

We find our time, it waves goodbye
You can't find what's not there.


Post Extras: Print Post  Remind Me! Notify Moderator
OfflineBlastrid
e l e m e n t al i t y
 User Gallery

Registered: 01/14/02
Posts: 3,323
Loc: The Desert
Last seen: 9 years, 6 months
Re: Please critique my latest writing. [Re: JacquesCousteau]
    #2627532 - 05/02/04 12:00 PM (13 years, 2 months ago)

I love the rhyming pattern. I'm no poet, but I like it quite a bit. In the second stanza is "til something comes to write the wrong" supposed to be right? Or is it a play on words...

Conceptually cool too, you can't find what's not there...

I digs jackqueez


--------------------
Blas'?trid (bl?s tr?d)
    n.  3rd generation derivitave of a combination of 'bastard' and 'blasted'.  Used as both an insult or an expletive.
    ex.  Blastrid!

Stereopattern  <--My music.


Post Extras: Print Post  Remind Me! Notify Moderator
Jump to top. Pages: 1

General Interest >> Music, Art, and Media

Similar ThreadsPosterViewsRepliesLast post
* Critique my short story manna_man 542 2 05/20/04 03:22 PM
by manna_man
* ***Short Story Thread*** (Post) (Critique) (Enjoy) Toddo 441 3 12/18/08 03:17 AM
by Toddo
* Official 2007 very short story thread. Post yours and critque others HERE
( 1 2 3 all )
joekenorer 6,184 59 12/20/07 12:32 AM
by Hyper_Panda_GO
* Various snippets I'd like critiqued
( 1 2 3 4 5 6 all )
Hyper_Panda_GO 9,766 113 12/23/08 11:50 PM
by just me
* My latest Death Metal album (Deadfall) jeffloomis 493 1 03/30/09 07:07 PM
by sandman_130
* "God With Us"- a work in progress *Critique Welcome* Shinmyoken 362 0 01/23/09 10:15 PM
by Shinmyoken
* good websites to post your writing? avelvetbeer 892 8 03/27/07 11:53 AM
by trent
* piece for creative writing class ohmatic 487 5 10/31/07 04:10 AM
by ohmatic

Extra information
You cannot start new topics / You cannot reply to topics
HTML is disabled / BBCode is enabled
Moderator: Middleman, automan, sui, DividedQuantum
347 topic views. 1 members, 3 guests and 3 web crawlers are browsing this forum.
[ Toggle Favorite | Print Topic | Stats ]
Search this thread:
MRCA Tyroler Gluckspilze
Please support our sponsors.

Copyright 1997-2017 Mind Media. Some rights reserved.

Generated in 0.028 seconds spending 0.007 seconds on 19 queries.