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 nofind_um
Explorer ofEarth
Registered: 06/30/03
Posts: 933
Loc: At work, at school, at my...
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 Booze problem... 
#2622364 - 04/30/04 03:50 PM (19 years, 11 months ago) |
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Here's the story,, I stopped drinking sept. 2002..
I was sober for over a year..
Starting about January,, I started to have a few beers now and again..
Well Now I'm spiraling down.. and it sucks..
I really want to stop,, but keep going back for more..
It's f'ing up my life.. My girlfriend who really cares about me..
and has always been a tremendous support,, has given up hope for me..
I'm moving out this weekend... All this stress and lonliness is making me want to be drunk even more..
I know I can do it again,,, But for some reason I really don't want to stop...
Are there any other alcoholics around here... that are sober????
Maybe I'll go to AA... but I'm not really into that group mentality thing.. Or the religious aspect of it.... I don't know but the booze is killing me...
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My hunting partner is gone, I miss her so!
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 Trip
Lost Pilgrim
Registered: 05/11/03
Posts: 285
Last seen: 17 years, 5 months
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Re: Booze problem... [Re: nofind_um]
#2622933 - 04/30/04 06:05 PM (19 years, 11 months ago) |
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theres a person who frequents these boards named ellemyshshade. she had problems with alcoholism, and is a great conribution to this site. she had some really rough times with alcohol, and i think she can help you a lot. my advice is to get all the help you can get. i have no idea about alcohol but from my experience having your life dictated by a substance is the worse thing that can happen to you.
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MOTH
Wild Woman
Registered: 06/06/03
Posts: 23,431
Loc: In the jungle
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Re: Booze problem... [Re: nofind_um]
#2623061 - 04/30/04 06:56 PM (19 years, 11 months ago) |
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Hi...
I'm sorry that you're struggling with alcohol right now. I admit it...it's a demon for me. It does something to me that's pretty terrible and I become a completely different person on it. I have been alcohol-free for a couple of months now. Previously to that, I was alcohol-free for about two years. Every now and then, I'll slip up and get wasted again, even when I don't mean to. I can't even handle one drink, because it just leads me to drinking more. What I have to do to stay sober from alcohol, is simply not drink it or place myself in a situation where I'll be tempted to drink.
Here's my story of my struggle with alcohol, and what finally woke me up to the fact that I had to change. Please understand right now that I'm not necessariy suggesting that you take the same path, but I thought I'd share.
When I was 18, I began drinking. It wasn't just a casual drink here or there, it was terrible intoxication that left me sick afterwards for days. I have had a history of self-abuse and was often suicidal, and for me alcohol was the perfect solution. I would drink up to three or four times a week until I couldn't remember my own name, or where I lived. I went to parties with people I didn't even know, and lived in my car. During this time, I was arrested twice for public intoxication and given hundreds of dollars in fines.
But this did not deter me. My drinking only escalated. I went about it with no emotion, and it was as though I didn't care who I hurt along the way so long as I was oblivious to my own hurt. I ended up losing my virginity while passed out drunk.
It hurts to remember that. But at the time, I didn't care, although I was aware in some dim sense that I was destroying my life. Eventually, I moved in with my boyfriend (now husband), Kevin. We had known one another for close to a decade through middle school and high school, and there had always been an attraction between us. But even though I had the love of this wonderful man, I could not stop my drinking.
It started to get worse. I became 'friends' with another man (we'll call him Steve) who lived in the same city. He was a very hard-core drinker, and so we would spend many nights during the week just getting blasted. My boyfriend would try and stop me, and try to take care of me, but it only made me turn on him in the most savage of ways. The alcohol made me into a monster, a completely different person. More then a few times while intoxicated, I would hurt Kevin, punching him and slapping him. He would never strike back, only kept silent until I passed out, but sometimes I think he cried. These memories are not easy to bear.
One day when I was home alone, I drank a bottle of whiskey by myself, slit my wrists and downed a bottle of pills. I don't know what I was thinking at the time. Chances are, I was not thinking, otherwise I don't think I would have done that. A neighbor heard me screaming and called 911 and I got sent to the hospital to have my stomach pumped and my arms stitched. They put me in restrants and drugged me, because I was so violent. I had a psychiatric evaluation and would have been touted to the mental ward, but they could not admit me because I was drunk at the time I tried to commit suicide.
Kevin tried his best to take care of me when we went home. I felt ashamed and traumatized about the entire thing, and worried because I had a gigantic hospital bill now to pay. I maybe waited a week without drinking before I started again. Steve would often come over and we would split the liquor between us. Kevin would try to stop me, but when I turned violent on him, he couldn't do much. The terrible cycle just continued.
One night, Kevin had gone to bed and it was just myself and Steve up late drinking in the living room. We were both blasted, and I was on the verge of passing out. I didn't even have enough strength to sit up, I just lay motionless on the floor. The next thing I know, I feel his fingers inside of me. It took me awhile to move because I was so sick and drunk, but I realized that my pants were off. A horror struck me when I realized that his pants were off too. I screamed and Kevin came running out of the bedroom. Long story short, they had a fight and Steve got kicked out. To this day it makes me shudder that he would have done...*that* to me. It would have happened to me again if I had not have screamed.
I can't describe how I felt after that. But nothing could deter me from drinking. I was at a party the next week drunk off my butt, and someone handed me a small round little pill. They called it Ecstacy. I didn't take it, but I put it in my purse and forgot about it.
Fast forward six months of more of the same. Kevin was at his wits end, and I was too badly depressed to care. He had forbid any alcohol in our apartment, and most times I resented him for it. I hated not drinking.
So one night, I got out the little pill I had gotten a long time ago. I took it with recklessness, since I didn't care what it would do to me. Kevin was upset that I had even taken it at all. For a half an hour, nothing happened.
But then something did. I began feeling different. It was as though a veil were lifted from my eyes and I could see my entire life in perspective. The memories of the past year were flooding me, and I began to cry. But at the same time, I had a smile on my face, it felt so good to cry. It was as though someone was forcing me to look, seriously *look* at my life. I saw then, and understanding began to permeate me. This was no drunken haze; this was an intense physical and emotional awareness of my existence. I realized then how much I had hurt my lovely Kevin the past few months. How I had hurt my parents, how I was heedlessly setting myself adrift to destruction. How I was ruining the great gift of life, the opportunity that I've been given on this earth. I *knew* these things at that moment. Clear thoughts were flooding me.
Kevin held me tight to him as I began to speak. I told him how I was feeling, the revelations that were overwelming me. How I was just now noticing how my behavior was affecting those around me for the worst. It was a night of tears and laughter for the both of us. I made a committment on that night to stop my senseless drinking. To stop hurting Kevin and taking him for granted. How lucky I was, I thought, how fortunate I was to have such a wonderful, special man at my side. It was one of the most eye-opening experiences I've ever had.
And I made good on my promises to Kevin and myself. I haven't touched a drop of alcohol since that night, more then two years ago. Kevin and I were married soon after, and I haven't been happier, being with him. I love him so much. It is like my life is back on track, and fulfilled. I also haven't taken any MDMA again. That experience was so important, so special. It marked a change in my lifestyle that probably saved my life.
It was still a struggle, even after that eye-opening experience. After MDMA, I went to shrooms, and I haven't looked back. In fact, the more I've experienced the fungi, the less I want to look back, or go back to the place that I was trapped in.
As for my other drug use, I try very hard to keep things like psychedelics a positive force in my life. I try very hard. And I've noticed a positive result. My drug use with mushrooms has enhanced my life positively in so many ways. I notice beauty in places that I never have before. There is beauty in everything, in some way. Every place in the world is artistic to my eyes. This planet is such a precious place. My experiences have allowed me to see that there is a light at the end of every dark tunnel. There is hope and there can be inner-peace if I choose it. That sounds cheesy, but its so true and its something I hold close to my heart. Life is so precious. Using these substances have allowed me to become more comfortable in my own skin, loving who I am for the first time in probably my entire life.
I'm not saying that you should go out and do a bunch of shrooms or E...I'm merely sharing what has worked for me. At the time of my alcoholism, I had no family to support me. I had no funds for counseling or any of that. I had only Kevin. Our struggles have only helped us become closer together.
You said yourself that you have a girlfriend who loves you dearly. If you are struggling this badly, why don't you let her help? Tell her that you don't like the person you are becoming again with alcohol and that you need her help to quit. You deserve better then what alcohol can give you. You deserve to try and fight through this hard time.
I know how it feels to KNOW that you're fucking your life up, but feeling as though you are powerless to stop it, or say no to the thing that's helping you do it. It's an incredibly overwelming feeling. I used to (and still do sometimes) feel like there were two people inside of my head. One that gave in to the urge to drink and cursed at my loved one and did so many terrible things...and the other, who watched the destruction and pleaded for me to stop.
I don't think that I have to tell you that it's up to you to make the changes in your life. You've quit drinking before, so obviously you know what has to be done. Even if something within you is telling you that "it's not a big deal," or "I just don't care anymore," you know better then to believe those things. You've gotten past this and fought the urges to drink once before, and I know you can do it again if you just grit your teeth and try. 
That's all I can say, so good luck and I'll be thinking of you.
truly,
*me*
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UncleMike
Visionary
Registered: 05/18/03
Posts: 964
Loc: S.W. Virginia
Last seen: 15 years, 4 months
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Re: Booze problem... [Re: nofind_um]
#2623433 - 04/30/04 09:04 PM (19 years, 11 months ago) |
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please get help. don't let it destroy your life and the ones who love you. go to a family member or a pastor or preist. remember drinking doesn't solve problems. it only make them worse.
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Live each day like it will be your last, tomorrow my never come.
SporeSmart
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nofind_um
Explorer ofEarth
Registered: 06/30/03
Posts: 933
Loc: At work, at school, at my...
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Re: Booze problem... [Re: UncleMike]
#2625499 - 05/01/04 10:29 AM (19 years, 11 months ago) |
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Thanks trip, ellemyshshade and Uncle mike..
Well it's been 2 days sober now..
keep on keepin on!!
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My hunting partner is gone, I miss her so!
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0xYg3n
topdawg
Registered: 04/29/04
Posts: 18,881
Last seen: 15 years, 27 days
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Re: Booze problem... [Re: nofind_um]
#2637658 - 05/04/04 04:41 PM (19 years, 11 months ago) |
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How are you doing now?
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nofind_um
Explorer ofEarth
Registered: 06/30/03
Posts: 933
Loc: At work, at school, at my...
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Re: Booze problem... [Re: 0xYg3n]
#2650969 - 05/07/04 05:27 PM (19 years, 11 months ago) |
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boozing it up worse than ever... but I'm getting ready to quit..again..
I need to find a nice supportive girl!!!
I'm moving into a boarding house till I can get enough money for my own apartment.. man this is depressing.... thanks for asking....
I'll be on the mend soon.....
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My hunting partner is gone, I miss her so!
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Dreamer987
The VerbalHerman Munster
Registered: 04/15/03
Posts: 5,326
Loc: Texas
Last seen: 16 years, 3 months
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Re: Booze problem... [Re: nofind_um]
#2651300 - 05/07/04 06:53 PM (19 years, 11 months ago) |
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