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OfflinePoisonousLookalike
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My best friend belittles me and treats me like shit, and I don't know what to do.
    #26130996 - 08/11/19 11:59 AM (4 years, 5 months ago)

Hi,

Like all my posts seemingly, this will be a long one, as lots of details are needed to convey what I am trying to say.
Please bear with me :smile:


The friend in question will be creatively named "A" here.


I met A about 7 years ago, he was a mutual friend of my then best friend B.
A and I got along fine but we weren't that close, and I spent more time with B, however over time the opposite has become true, I hardly talk with B but A is now my best friend, or at least I see him that way.

Anyway enough of the background, haha.

As soon as I met him, it was evident that A is really into drugs, and he also seemed a bit reckless and "badass" to me at the time, which made him really attractive to me because, although I am equally interested in drugs, I do it in the sort of way your granny might, with a nice dose of painkillers curled up on the sofa watching Frasier, meanwhile A would be staying up partying for days on speed...


Our personalities are poles apart, I am introverted, sensitive, careful, moderate in most things, and I like to think I am fairly compassionate, whereas A is very outgoing, completely insensitive and pretty offensive at times, reckless in most things he does, not very moderate, and, I dare say, quite psychopathic; He has openly admitted that he doesn't really care for anyone, even his family or friends.


While A has been into drugs for many years, my interest is quite new, so we have become particularly close (or at least I have become close to him) over the last year or two, united in our fascination with drugs, pharmacology, etc.

Sometimes we have talked all day, every day, for weeks without ever getting bored.

However, things got a bit complex when I realised that I am actually in love with him.
It's not really a romantic thing, it's everything else;
I want to spend all my time with him, I love every minute of it, and I would do anything for him, absolutely anything.
Furthermore there is nothing he could ever do to make me love him any less, that is how I feel about him.

I am bi, he is straight, but we often make sexual jokes about each other anyway and I have quite openly told him about my fantasies about him, he seems to find it funny.

I have also told him that I love him, many times...

But the problem is this; I have been blind to it for a long time, perhaps due to my adoration of him, but I have recently been coming to realize that he doesn't really treat me well, and when I explain politely and reasonably the problems that I am having with our relationship, he just laughs or belittles me by calling me various things such as "impotent", "gay", "emo", etc.

The thing is, I don't even mind that he insults me or treats me like his little slave, I'm not offended by these things, but the thing that is really bothering me is that I have zero evidence that he even cares about me, at all.

He has recently told me that I have "no willpower", that I can't control my emotions, that I am impotent (in the sense of not being able to take appropriate action), and he laughs at these things even when it is clear I do not appreciate it.


Recently we were discussing methamphetamine, and I said that I didn't really like the idea of it due to the neurotoxicity, addictiveness, injection risks, etc, stating that I prefer opiates to stimulants, and his response was:

"You worry about brain damage and STDs but you don't worry about missing out"
"Have you heard the phrase "it's better to live a day as a lion than a lifetime as a sheep""

(I'm sorry for the lack of structure or clarity to this post, there is just so much to say and it is hard to condense it to a reasonable length)

So you might be thinking "so what, he said you are missing out on things, big deal!"
But it's more complicated than that, because he knows about my anxiety, depression, lack of friends, self-isolation, etc, and he knows that I realize I am missing out on a lot, and he knows I regret a lot of things in my life, so why does he have to rub it in my face?

Recently he also said that he thinks the problems in my life are entirely my fault, even though I admitted I have made a lot of mistakes, but added that my anxiety and depression do not help, he doesn't even accept that.
He says I am just lazy and unmotivated and it has nothing to do with any mental issues.

These criticisms would not be so bad if he EVER said anything good about me, but he does not, despite all the time I have spent helping him, all the free drugs I've given him, all the times I've told him that he is my best friend, etc, it all seems to mean nothing to him.

He has never even called me a friend, actually, he has never reassured me that I matter to him in any way, and he criticises without saying anything good, and without even having a reason to criticise other than seemingly to make me feel bad.



Furthermore, I have told him this.
I have explained just what I have explained here, and I've said that all I need is one sentence to show that I actually matter, to show me that I haven't wasted 1000s of hours of my life on a relationship that is worthless.

But he will not even give me that.
In fact, whenever I raise these topics, he directs it back at me, saying I only feel these things because I am too sensitive, because I don't have enough other people in my life, etc.


Recently it has gotten worse, or maybe I am just getting more aware of the imbalance of respect in our relationship.
He even bosses me around "now go get this for me", etc.
I never used to mind this as I thought it was just a joke...


I rarely lose my temper or say anything bad to anyone, however after a few of his recent remarks have left me feeling worthless, I have made a few responses along the lines of "Fuck you, A" and I have ignored him for a few days each time because I just can't face his bullshit straight away.

He also tries to belittle the issue, so when I raise these problems he will roll his eyes and say it's no big deal, he doesn't even seem to care when I ignore him for a few days.


This isn't like me, though. I do not ignore people or treat people like this, but I guess no one's perfect, and I can't expect myself to act like Mother Teresa while he treats me like shit.

But in spite of all of this, I can't stay away from him, 90% of the time we talk I feel great and I just love his company, the remaining 10% he makes me feel angry and totally worthless in a way that no one else could.

Ordinarily the advice I would give to someone in my situation would be "talk to him about it", but I have tried this many times and been met with frustration.

Even in the past, when we have had conflicts based on real things (like me not sending his drugs on time), he refuses to make any effort to resolve it, or compromise, or anything; It's like arguing with a brick wall, the wall always seems to win.


I really don't know what to do, I know that I don't want to keep getting treated like this, but I also don't want to lose him, because I would not only be losing him, but all the time I had invested in our relationship over those 7 years.
I just wish there were some way to get through to him, to make him at least listen and respond to these problems.

There are so many more examples and so much more I could type but I guess I should leave it here...

Would really appreciate any advice, would really love to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation as well...

Many thanks for reading this, and many thanks even if you just skipped to the end :P


--------------------
"Well I've been where you're hanging, I think I can see how you're pinned" - Leonard Cohen

"We are led to Believe a Lie
When we see not Thro the Eye
Which was Born in a Night to perish in a Night
When the Soul Slept in Beams of Light" - William Blake


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OfflinePoisonousLookalike
A lazy bastard living in a suit
I'm a teapot User Gallery


Registered: 06/14/18
Posts: 657
Loc: Between the Devil and the...
Last seen: 3 months, 27 days
Re: My best friend belittles me and treats me like shit, and I don't know what to do. [Re: split_by_nine]
    #26131274 - 08/11/19 04:21 PM (4 years, 5 months ago)

Thanks for all the replies guys, really appreciate it.
I'm just gonna make a quick response now to respond to a few things, will reply properly as soon as I can...


I dont think he is an addict. I am actually the addict (initially morphine, now kratom).
I use kratom to medicate my anxiety and depression so I use it medicinally and I'd say pretty responsibly
As far as I'm aware , A isn't addicted to anything, he just uses drugs irregularly and recklessly.
Oh, and he also seems to look down upon me for being dependent


An example is recently I sent him some home grown shrooms, and he took 5g and went walking around the convenience store and "lost his mind" while he was there apparently.
That made me angry because I dont believe that is the correct way to use psychedelics but I guess its up to him how he uses them, haha.

Yes I'm kind of already aware that there is no magic solution although I do have a tremendous capacity for self doubt so I tend to question myself again and again, so it helps to  have some others tell me if I'm being sensible.


I dont really value self respect too much, lol, because I dont really take myself too seriously, but I've always been the sort who is not willing to get really high if there is going to be a bad come down, so the same rule applies to A; it just isn't worth it for the fun times to endure the self loathing that results from his comments.
I would rather not be happy at all if it means I dont have to feel that way.

Thanks again
<3


--------------------
"Well I've been where you're hanging, I think I can see how you're pinned" - Leonard Cohen

"We are led to Believe a Lie
When we see not Thro the Eye
Which was Born in a Night to perish in a Night
When the Soul Slept in Beams of Light" - William Blake


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OfflinePoisonousLookalike
A lazy bastard living in a suit
I'm a teapot User Gallery


Registered: 06/14/18
Posts: 657
Loc: Between the Devil and the...
Last seen: 3 months, 27 days
Re: My best friend belittles me and treats me like shit, and I don't know what to do. [Re: split_by_nine]
    #26131398 - 08/11/19 06:30 PM (4 years, 5 months ago)

I'm not trying to protect him, I am just stating the facts.
As for the addiction, well I dont really judge or care based on that.
I have been there and I am still an addict, its not a relevant factor in how I perceive him, it doesn't excuse or explain his behavior so why you think I'm defending him is beyond me, its actually the opposite; if he did have a drug problem then that would partially explain his behaviour, but if it isn't drug related as I suspect then it just means he is a dick

However what you said was true for me, but doesn't everyone begin with using irregularly then move on to regular use.


--------------------
"Well I've been where you're hanging, I think I can see how you're pinned" - Leonard Cohen

"We are led to Believe a Lie
When we see not Thro the Eye
Which was Born in a Night to perish in a Night
When the Soul Slept in Beams of Light" - William Blake


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OfflinePoisonousLookalike
A lazy bastard living in a suit
I'm a teapot User Gallery


Registered: 06/14/18
Posts: 657
Loc: Between the Devil and the...
Last seen: 3 months, 27 days
Re: My best friend belittles me and treats me like shit, and I don't know what to do. [Re: bloodsheen]
    #26131401 - 08/11/19 06:31 PM (4 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

bloodsheen said:
You will be happy again brother. This guy doesn't own your happiness.




<3 thank you

BTW I also have some kind of PTSD from my latest hellish trip.
Some people might laugh at that, PTSD from a  bad trip?? What a pussy I must be
But not really; the ego helps to suppress a lot of these things, without much of an ego even a relatively trivial thing can be pretty traumatic.
That's why administering morphine to soldiers on the battlefield reduces the incidence of PTSD; it boosts the ego.

I have a hard time sleeping these days and I am haunted by thoughts of death, weird auditory hallucinations etc

That shits real

Also I feel like I'm turning into another morel guy, even my writing style is becoming like his.


--------------------
"Well I've been where you're hanging, I think I can see how you're pinned" - Leonard Cohen

"We are led to Believe a Lie
When we see not Thro the Eye
Which was Born in a Night to perish in a Night
When the Soul Slept in Beams of Light" - William Blake


Edited by PoisonousLookalike (08/11/19 06:36 PM)


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OfflinePoisonousLookalike
A lazy bastard living in a suit
I'm a teapot User Gallery


Registered: 06/14/18
Posts: 657
Loc: Between the Devil and the...
Last seen: 3 months, 27 days
Re: My best friend belittles me and treats me like shit, and I don't know what to do. [Re: AIRDOG] * 2
    #26132514 - 08/12/19 04:23 PM (4 years, 5 months ago)

Hey

This is going to be a short response again

Thanks for all the nice responses.
First of all, I'm sorry for coming over a little stubborn and retarded yesterday.
You guys are the best and you've helped me a lot more with this one thing than A has ever helped me in all the time I've known him.

I appreciate all the advice and even though I already know that he is no good for me, it does help to hear from others who have had the same conflicts...

The bottom line is you are all right with what you're saying. I guess I'm finally admitting it to myself.

Yes I guess he does have a drug problem , I'd say its more than a drug problem, more like a problem with compulsive and destructive behaviour.

Yep, best friends dont do what he does. I guess he is not my best friend, I just meant that I spend more time with him than with anyone else but unlike him other friends of mine do care about me and have shown it in the past.

As for thinking negatively about myself, yeah I'm consciously aware of that.
He does make me think in this way, I guess I always lacked self confidence but with A around I feel like nothing I do is valid, hence why I even procrastinated a lot about posting this thread.

I dont know whether I should even speak to him again to tell him that I am going to go my separate way, or should I just leave him hanging?

What would be the best thing to do regarding the 4 mutual friends who will inevitably ask why we are no longer speaking...
I guess I will just tell them that we couldn't resolve our differences; I realise they will have a conflict of interest if I tell them he's a Narcissistic toxic psychopath.

Yeah, I do accept my part in the blame for this, for letting him treat me this way for so long.

Also another little thing, we both know rather a lot of secrets about each other.
This would be quite worrying if it weren't for the fact that what I know about him is more serious than vice versa..
I'm.sure even A wouldn't want mutually assured destruction


--------------------
"Well I've been where you're hanging, I think I can see how you're pinned" - Leonard Cohen

"We are led to Believe a Lie
When we see not Thro the Eye
Which was Born in a Night to perish in a Night
When the Soul Slept in Beams of Light" - William Blake


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OfflinePoisonousLookalike
A lazy bastard living in a suit
I'm a teapot User Gallery


Registered: 06/14/18
Posts: 657
Loc: Between the Devil and the...
Last seen: 3 months, 27 days
Re: My best friend belittles me and treats me like shit, and I don't know what to do. [Re: Yonatin] * 2
    #26134004 - 08/13/19 03:41 PM (4 years, 5 months ago)

Very well put.
To be honest I agree about the "in my head" part; it definitely is that way, as I can't really figure out why I have come to like him so much considering he's the worst person I know.


I mean I dont have a lot of friends but I think I have  quite a few good ones (ones that aren't like A), so it isn't even like he is all I have.
I feel pretty shit for having neglected the better people in my life for the sake of A...


--------------------
"Well I've been where you're hanging, I think I can see how you're pinned" - Leonard Cohen

"We are led to Believe a Lie
When we see not Thro the Eye
Which was Born in a Night to perish in a Night
When the Soul Slept in Beams of Light" - William Blake


Extras: Unfilter Print Post Top
OfflinePoisonousLookalike
A lazy bastard living in a suit
I'm a teapot User Gallery


Registered: 06/14/18
Posts: 657
Loc: Between the Devil and the...
Last seen: 3 months, 27 days
Re: My best friend belittles me and treats me like shit, and I don't know what to do. [Re: flugelizor]
    #26144365 - 08/20/19 10:34 AM (4 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

Yonatin said:
Some people have that charisma that just draws you to them, I wouldn't beat yourself up over falling for it. Just remember who he is and remind yourself of it when he is around. When you start cutting him out of your life or cut the drugs see how he reacts and that is the actual "A." You sound like a really nice person so don't let him tear you down and kick him to the curb.





I know right! I didn't believe people could actually be so charming until I met him, haha.

Thanks, I try my best to be nice :smile:

Quote:

Bumholio said:
So many alarm bells in your op man:shrug:

Hes well in to his drugs and you're providing "free drugs". I'd say hes exploiting you for this reason alone.

You've made it clear how you feel about him and I think hes using this to get what he wants from you and nothing else. That doesnt sound like best friend material to me, I'd gtfo before you get hurt (if you arent already)

Like hes said he doesnt care about his family and friends, what makes you think he'll be any different about you? It sucks man, but toxic people do nothing for a persons mental wellbeing.

Good luck:fistbump:






I agree, there have been many times in the past when he has pissed me off and I have come crawling back, so he has probably concluded that he can say or do ANYTHING and I will come crawling back.

I am the kind who could never use or exploit anyone, even people who have fucked me over... It is just not comprehensible to me...
I can do and say shitty things from time to time but this is one thing I could never do.
As a result I can't really understand why he would do this to me, considering that I have been probably the only person, aside from perhaps his parents, who has loved him this much.
I don't understand why he would throw this away for the sake of getting what he wants from me, but maybe he just doesn't value friendship.




Quote:

flugelizor said:
Lots of long posts here, and I think I caught most of it.
But what about the elephant in the room...

You are bi, obviously have a crush on this guy.
He is straight, therefore incapable of the kind of relationship you want.

Just treat it as a platonic thing, or if you can't handle it, move on.
I am guessing treating you like shit is his way of making it easier to move on.

I understand "move on" is easier said than done. But anyway, Good luck man!






Haha.
Well, he seems to be straight, however he seems to enjoy the fact that I am into him.
He raises sexual topics quite often, seemingly encouraging me to flirt with him, and he seems to enjoy it when I do.
But not so much like he is aroused by it, more like he finds it funny/amusing and maybe it gives him some feeling of power over me, and he seems to be the type who would like to be in a situation where he has some power over his fellow man.
Whatever his intention, he has made me very comfortable with saying ANYTHING to him, I've told him many times that whatever he is saying/doing is making me hard, told him I want to suck his dick, told him I'd jerked off to pics of him, etc, I guess I love(d) this aspect of our relationship because I felt like I could be open about these things but in a playful way.
I can see all of you rolling your eyes now... Haha.
Suffice it to say that he seemed to encourage me to make these comments, send him dick pics, etc, without actually explicitly encouraging me... It's just the impression I got from the way he reacted, and also how he never once told me to stop.

But yeah, now that I think of it, he probably enjoyed the power he had over me, even in a non-sexual way.


--------------------
"Well I've been where you're hanging, I think I can see how you're pinned" - Leonard Cohen

"We are led to Believe a Lie
When we see not Thro the Eye
Which was Born in a Night to perish in a Night
When the Soul Slept in Beams of Light" - William Blake


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OfflinePoisonousLookalike
A lazy bastard living in a suit
I'm a teapot User Gallery


Registered: 06/14/18
Posts: 657
Loc: Between the Devil and the...
Last seen: 3 months, 27 days
Re: My best friend belittles me and treats me like shit, and I don't know what to do. [Re: SkulletteDemystifi]
    #26144416 - 08/20/19 11:08 AM (4 years, 5 months ago)

Quote:

SkulletteDemystifi said:
He only encourages you because he desperately needs to feed his starving ego. I know several women who do the same thing and then get all bent out of shape about the situations when a guy finally tries to make a move. It's a game of cat and mouse to them.






Yeah exactly. That kind of behaviour seems to be most associated with females but evidently there are exceptions :P


--------------------
"Well I've been where you're hanging, I think I can see how you're pinned" - Leonard Cohen

"We are led to Believe a Lie
When we see not Thro the Eye
Which was Born in a Night to perish in a Night
When the Soul Slept in Beams of Light" - William Blake


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