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OfflineCather
journeyman
Registered: 02/23/04
Posts: 91
Last seen: 12 years, 2 months
Some poems to review
    #2610624 - 04/28/04 08:58 AM (13 years, 7 months ago)

Hi guys im new here and wondered if you could give me some feedback on these poems :smile: much thanks in advance :smile:

Writers Block

A dreary town of leaden grey
Lies sleeping at my feet
While i dream a thousand dreams
T'would make the angels weep.
My pen lies dead , my thoughts all bled
I can express them not.
I only dream my thousand dreams
And in my head they rot.


A Tryst

A traitor he who tries to keep
A song that makes his lover weep
Trades in for love across the years
A kiss that only ends in tears .


Pendragon

His bones still lay though he long gone
Upon the hills of Avalon.
A night was he in days of old
Fair , Mighty , Brave and bold
A kingdom made with his strong hand
From sea to sea across the land
A kingdom still though his bones are dust
In Arthur , England gives its trust.


My verses

Nothing of worth
Nothing of note
Verses of shit
Written by rote
I always read
And read with a smile
Verses by others
To bewitch and beguile
Only sadness for me
When i dip in my well
Nothing in my bucket
But this godawful smell


Bacon

I saw a piglet yesterday
He was sucking on a teat
The great big sow
With nipples proud
Gave up her milk so sweet


The piglets grow
None of them know
The value of their meat
So fill up the trough
They're not big enough
Yet for me to eat


BumblyBumbler

His buzzing wings lift him up no higher than a bush
His royal coat of yellow affords him many looks
His gentle swoops without a care make him the king of bees
And who can say fair or fey what things the bumbly sees?


Life

We build our lives from hour to hour
From the cradle to the funeral bower
We think all the time of things inane
To spare ourselves that awful pain
Of thinking things which bring us harm
By shattering that awful calm
The calm we make through senses dulled
Through jobs and drugs and wine thats mulled
This calm we make trembling with fright
Worried , sober we may see the light
Illuminate our lives so become
We see how poorly we have done .



Sorry for the punctuation etc i am at work and at risk of being spotted any time :smile:


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OfflineCather
journeyman
Registered: 02/23/04
Posts: 91
Last seen: 12 years, 2 months
Re: Some poems to review [Re: Cather]
    #2615038 - 04/29/04 06:30 AM (13 years, 7 months ago)

Oh no interest :frown: not even any scathing remarks :frown:


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OfflineJacquesCousteau
Being.
Male User Gallery

Registered: 06/10/03
Posts: 7,825
Loc: Everywhere, Everytime.
Last seen: 1 year, 6 months
Re: Some poems to review [Re: Cather]
    #2615145 - 04/29/04 08:27 AM (13 years, 7 months ago)

I like the first one.. they all have potential, but a lot of the rhymes feel forced (ie, "I can express them not.") and the phrasing seems too loose in some places.

-A response from someone else who's posts never get responses. :P I feel for ya..  :crazy:


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Offlinedaba
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Registered: 12/30/02
Posts: 3,881
Last seen: 4 years, 10 months
Re: Some poems to review [Re: Cather]
    #2615147 - 04/29/04 08:34 AM (13 years, 7 months ago)

"Life" seems a bit pessimistic but it is quite truthful. Try not to make it sound so hackneyed; the sea is full of cynical poems on life.

I also like "Writers Block" but if you could change the title to something more ambiguous it could result in a more interpretive poem!


--------------------
Fold for The Shroomery!


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OfflineCather
journeyman
Registered: 02/23/04
Posts: 91
Last seen: 12 years, 2 months
Re: Some poems to review [Re: daba]
    #2615316 - 04/29/04 10:58 AM (13 years, 7 months ago)

Thanks guys :smile: Your comments are much appreciated


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OfflineJacquesCousteau
Being.
Male User Gallery

Registered: 06/10/03
Posts: 7,825
Loc: Everywhere, Everytime.
Last seen: 1 year, 6 months
Re: Some poems to review [Re: Cather]
    #2615328 - 04/29/04 11:03 AM (13 years, 7 months ago)

no prob there, bob.


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Offlineaje
Why not?
Male User Gallery

Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 10/11/03
Posts: 16,392
Loc: in some small dive
Last seen: 8 months, 30 days
Re: Some poems to review [Re: JacquesCousteau]
    #2618202 - 04/29/04 09:17 PM (13 years, 7 months ago)

I like the first one a lot. It flows well and just sounds good.

I can also relate.


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