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OfflineNoviseer
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Catharsis: Good Drugs, Bad Drugs, getting my life in order
    #2600232 - 04/25/04 08:47 AM (13 years, 6 months ago)

I?m starting to write dark again, which tells me something important. For the last 3 months I?ve been very happy with L, its been great. Now, right on the mark, I?m beginning to want a bit of time alone once in a while. Its great being with her and all but at the end of the day, sometimes I just want to surf with a few friends, really, or even it by myself and think. So that?s there, and there?s nothing wrong with that. I?ve been complicating it though. A bottle of Adderall laying around isn?t an easy thing to leave alone. Fuck?s sake, I?ve been eating that stuff a lot haven?t I? Not to mention copious amounts of caffeine that I?ve supposedly given up. Smoking pot every day, how did it come to this? I can feel my brain function at two polar extremes these days. When I?m peaking on the adderall, about an hour or two in, I?m fucking brilliant. Capable, confident, I can connect obscurities and make poetry, write amazing songs, talk to anyone, do anything. At these moments I feel as if I could conquer the world. I drug myself to sleep with some benadryl or valerian, brushing the thought aside that I could slowly be becoming dependent on pharmaceutical aid to fall asleep. Sneaking behind L?s back to go downstairs and throw down a bunch of herbal extracts to let me sleep, even though there?s all these stress hormones flowing around in my blood stream, keeping me awake. This can?t be good. Look at what life has given me. I?m at a well respected university with an enviable array of opportunity ahead of me. I?ve got a girlfriend who loves me and so far puts up with my shitty moods when the metabolites of the uppers make me feel irritated, frustrated, worried sick, helpless. I?ve caught glimpses of the true beauty of life, the wonderful joke behind it all. Mushrooms have opened the door, and prophets like Terence McKenna and my friend Dan have given me a hopeful, optimistic, reliable, and sturdy worldview to focus on when integrating these illuminating, boundary-dissolving experiences. I?m becoming a damn good surfer, skateboarder, all around athlete. Music, for fucks sake, comes naturally to me, for some reason a muse found me in this mess of separated souls, and sings in my ear whenever I have the inclination to listen and take notes. All these gifts, and I?m murking up the lens with speed and pot. My grades are going to be the lowest they?ve been since I started college. I?m feeling worse and worse, more and more tired, as the days go on. I?ve been fucking broke and in debt to the city, because my burnt out, stoned head can?t keep something as simple as parking strait. How many fucking tickets did I get this semester. How much money went strait down the fucking drain? 260 for that tow away, 200 for the speeding, and probably another 300 in other odd parking tickets. Didn?t happen to me first semester. I?ve been noticing these random fuck-ups more and more, and I?m sure its coming strait from daily stoned session I?ve been having. The first couple of nights in this 2 week long binge were amazing. I rediscovered terenece mckenna and got some exercise done at the same time. Then I pushed it, kept having these daily smoke sessions at the expense of my short term memory, my sharpness, ability to call up information on the fly. I spend nights driving paranoid around Manhattan beach, trying to keep a train of thought long enough to get me some clear-eyes so I could face my parents long enough to get my shit out of the house and go back to my girlfriend at school who I?d left alone for no reason at all. Fucks sake, I tried to be a model drug user, but I?ve found out that some of the shit out there isn?t as innocuous as it seems. This is to show me that I notice whats going on. There?s a fog around my head that?s keeping my brain in check, there?s shitty nights of sleep and stress flowing from the speed and caffeine. I?m losing shit, poor, unable to do the things I want to do. I surf much less than I could. I?m going to pour out my adderall right now.

I did it. It was tough, I had to open four capsules and pour them out into the toilet. They?re gone. The sack of weed that I had been taking daily hits from is finished. I?ve got a job starting in a week. A two-day festival just before that. I can improve myself for the upcoming summer. I?ve learned that quality of life really depends on my own orientation, attitude, energy level. I?m going to get those thing as in tune, positive, effective as I possibly can. I?m getting those free running shoes my mom so generously is hooking up. I?m going to run at least three times a week well into the summer. No more coffee, at all. No diet coke. No tea. No pills for Christ?s sake. Nothing. I?m going to get all my shit back in order, do some organizing. All my tickets are going to be payed, some way or another. I will not be lazy. I will not give in. I?ll go to the gym with a group of when I am able to. I?ll study hard for my finals, complete as much reading as I possibly can. I will write a good paper, without the help of drugs, for Medieval Lit. The next part is the most important, the most challenging, and potentially the most rewarding improvement in this entire list of promises. I will incrementally, as the result of the culmination of positive thinking, healthy living, diligence, perseverance, fortitude, and effort, incrementally reduce my susceptibility to the two fundamental barriers to human progress: laziness and fear. These things function in the world as insulation, keeping many potentially amazing human beings locked in a limbo of half-assed plans, disappointment, the cyclical periods of hope and shame that always begin again. It is not talent that separates me from more successful musicians, it is motivation and courage.

This is where I start to live the rest of my life.

Watch out for these voices. They are delusions that I have somehow insulated from true inspection until now.

1) Pot isn?t that bad.
a. I don?t remember my dreams if I?ve smoked within 3 days. Clarity and recall exponentially increases as more days pass since my last dance with Mary Jane.
b. I?ve been losing things left and right, ignoring responsibilities, acting lazy, moody. I?ve been wasting time. I?m not enjoying my highs very much anymore.
c. My grades have dropped since I?ve allowed myself to smoke so much herb.
2) Adderall will help me get this stuff done.
a. not it fucking won?t. I?ll procrastinate just like I did on our latest American Lit paper, which will probably earn me a less than stellar grade. And the next day I?ll be burnt out to hell and ignore yet another assignment, leaving it to the last minute, at which point I?ll down more speed and get it done with inadequate research, preparation, thought, proof reading, etc. I?m can be a good fucking writer, maybe you can see that, but I?m turning in pure SHIT these days.
3) I?m showing the world that one can do drugs and be successful.
a. there?s good drugs, bad drugs, and neutral drugs. I?m letting these allies turn into habits: overindulging. I?m showing no self control. I?ve forgotten moderation.
b. I?m not showing the world success, I?m wasting my talents and, from the perspective of some people, slowly going mad.
c. I?m giving psychedelics, the only substantially beneficial substance I?ve come across in this post-adolescent experimental phase, a bad name. I want more of humanity to see our society from outside of ideology, and mushrooms facilitate this. I?m a bad example of a psychedelic user, one of the countless hippies who couldn?t keep his lazy hands off the other drugs.
4) Adderall will let me have a long, fun, speedy night
a. not anymore. Speed using to be amazing. Some of the best times of my life were under the influence of the stuff. But now it doesn?t work like it used to. I gobble the shit up as if its going to give me the amazing highs it once did, but lets break down what its really like. I get about an hour of great energy, an amazingly clear head, and creativity and gumption needed to compose lots of music. I talk to everyone and act tweaked. Then the peak wears off, and I spend the rest of the night longing for it again. Instead of thinking of how much fun I?m having, I?m focusing in on the diminishing amphetamine buzz.
5) but the studies, other people?s experiences, etc. etc.
a. fuck other people, I need to pay attention to my own experience, and judge for myself. I?m functioning at a diminished performance level, and yes it is because of my beloved pot and speed. Maybe some people can smoke pot every day and function at their full potential. I can?t. Yes, I know many kids who take 40 mgs of adderall a day, at the instruction of their doctor. Clearly it?s a different drug for them, as I?d be tweaked out of my mind. They can handle it, their brain chemistry is different than mine.

I could write more, but I think this will do for now. Lets make this concrete, so I can?t backslide as I?ve done so many times in the past.

Weed can be good once in a while. When I smoke with friends, I?m going to have the fucking balls to slow down, just take a hit or two, not feel the need to get more and more fucked up and pulled deeper and deeper down into a hole of scrambled memory and bursts of frustratingly fleeting ideas that are pretty fucking obvious on closer inspection. I?m going to smoke only when its worth it, when there is something interesting to do. No more smoking with K and laying around doing nothing. No more smoking with S for no reason other than his offer, and some sort of deluded allegiance to him that prevents me from saying no. If I?m doing something interesting, like skateboarding, surfing, making music, I?ll have small amounts. I won?t let them get too close together. Marijuana is an herb, I?m going to use it sparingly, as a spice for some experience that facilitate it. I?ll remember that it is give-and-take, and that for the next few days I will have a cloudier head than normal, worse sleep, mood, etc. These effects will be slight and easily hidden with denial, but they will be there. I know I won?t quit smoking, but at least I?ll limit myself to times when the benefits outweigh the slight ripples of dullness that inevitably extend into the following days.

As for adderall, I?m cutting that shit out of my social life. It doesn?t improve my nights as it once did, it just squeezes all my social energy into an hour. Speed has fucked up countless lives, and its starting to affect mine. Yet I must acknowledge that it does allow me to be incredibly creative, and some of my best art has come as a result of this substance. Once in a great while, I will put aside a day to take adderall, write some amazing music, and sleep. I?ll be fully aware of the paranoid, moody day or two that will follow. I will not exceed one dose per month, during which time I will focus solely on music and periodic phone calls 

Today is Sunday, April 25th, 2004.
I will re-read this entire promise at least once a week, and sign my name each time below. If I slip up, I will read it carefully, SEE THROUGH MY DENIAL AND EXCUSES, forgive myself, and continue my self-improvement. I?m doing this in order to live as full a life as I can. I?m doing this to see the world, to learn, to experience as much as I can cram into my crazy time here in this corporeal part of the journey. Mushrooms showed me that life is a gift. I?m not going to squander it anymore.


--------------------
_______________________________________________________________
namaste said:
no flamz in da ODD, if you got nothing to contribute then keep yo lips zipped
_________________________________________________________________


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InvisibleMOTH
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Registered: 06/06/03
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Re: Catharsis: Good Drugs, Bad Drugs, getting my life in order [Re: Noviseer]
    #2600629 - 04/25/04 12:53 PM (13 years, 6 months ago)

Out of that entire post, this stood out to me:

Quote:

Noviseer said:
I?ve learned that quality of life really depends on my own orientation, attitude, energy level.  I?m going to get those thing as in tune, positive, effective as I possibly can. 




Way to go, man.  Big applause from my end.  Those words are beautiful, uplifting, determined and almost ruthless, and they are encouraging to me as well.  I agree completely and I admire you for taking an introspective look at your life and deciding what needs to go for things to improve.  I have faith in you and am standing behind you 100%. 

:heart:



*me*


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OfflineNoviseer
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Registered: 03/18/03
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Re: Catharsis: Good Drugs, Bad Drugs, getting my life in order [Re: Noviseer]
    #2601806 - 04/25/04 07:33 PM (13 years, 6 months ago)

Thanks for the kind words. I started out writing that to myself, but at the end figured I'd post it up here as well. I had to be rutheless, honest with myself, for I haven't been in a while. After I wrote that, sun was just coming up, so I drove over the hill and went surfing. All day I've felt so great, I'm really excited about this little relevation I had last night:)


--------------------
_______________________________________________________________
namaste said:
no flamz in da ODD, if you got nothing to contribute then keep yo lips zipped
_________________________________________________________________


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OfflineLocus
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Re: Catharsis: Good Drugs, Bad Drugs, getting my life in order [Re: Noviseer]
    #2626174 - 05/01/04 03:42 PM (13 years, 6 months ago)

Hey man, I think what you're doing is great. How are things going now, alright? Still keeping at it?


--------------------

The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity. ~ Albert Einstein
"Fear is the great barrier to human growth." ~ Dr. Robert Monroe



~~~*Dosis sola facit venenum*~~~

*Check my profile to listen to my music* :smile:


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InvisibleMOTH
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Re: Catharsis: Good Drugs, Bad Drugs, getting my life in order [Re: Locus]
    #2626994 - 05/01/04 07:53 PM (13 years, 6 months ago)

Yeah man...if you need any encouragement or support, we're here for ya!  :heart: :thumbup:


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OfflineWysefool
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Re: Catharsis: Good Drugs, Bad Drugs, getting my life in order [Re: MOTH]
    #2627280 - 05/02/04 09:00 AM (13 years, 6 months ago)

I'm doing the same thing starting today except with meth in the place of adderal. I've only been using for about a week so I can quit easily. Just gonna use it once a month for that big creative burst.

My therapy differs a bit though in that I'm still gonna smoke all the free pot I can . The other day I realized that since there's nothing to do around here I could hang around with the jibheads and then I can be with them doing interesting things.

I'm writing quit on my hand so I always remember my commitment too.


--------------------
GET MAD SWAG MONEY BIG PIMPIN


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Offline0xYg3n
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Re: Catharsis: Good Drugs, Bad Drugs, getting my life in order [Re: Noviseer]
    #2631923 - 05/03/04 03:13 PM (13 years, 6 months ago)

Hey man, one step at a time......... and don't be soo hard on yourself either!

Liked your post alot....... good reading

edit: and very encouraging as well


Edited by 0xYg3n (05/03/04 03:19 PM)


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OfflineLocus
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Re: Catharsis: Good Drugs, Bad Drugs, getting my life in order [Re: 0xYg3n]
    #2653482 - 05/08/04 03:15 PM (13 years, 6 months ago)

Hey hey, where are ya bro???


--------------------

The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity. ~ Albert Einstein
"Fear is the great barrier to human growth." ~ Dr. Robert Monroe



~~~*Dosis sola facit venenum*~~~

*Check my profile to listen to my music* :smile:


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OfflineNoviseer
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Registered: 03/18/03
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Re: Catharsis: Good Drugs, Bad Drugs, getting my life in order [Re: Noviseer]
    #2654980 - 05/08/04 11:52 PM (13 years, 6 months ago)

I'm around, still sticking to it, just don't check support group central very often.  Thanks for the kind words guys, I haven't had an adderal since that night, been doing the exercise thing, I'm really feeling a lot better.  I smoked out my friends until my pot was gone, and haven't bought a new sack--I've smoked occasionally when offered, but much much less than before.  I've aced two of my finals, I have my third one coming up on tuesday, wish me luck  :laugh:

I really appreciate all the replies, thanks everyone :heart:


--------------------
_______________________________________________________________
namaste said:
no flamz in da ODD, if you got nothing to contribute then keep yo lips zipped
_________________________________________________________________


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