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 Jewstress
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 Re: Stupid shit worth breaking up over?  [Re: Jewstress]
#26020220 - 05/29/19 09:54 AM (4 years, 10 months ago) |
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This time last year boondocking around Alamosa; just found out I was pregnant again.
Can’t believe how much changes in just a year.
But literally a big brute. I’m 5’3 he is 6’5, scary things have gone down. Sadly he can’t control himself and has even exposed our own kids to his outbursts.
Would have left a lot sooner if he had not put me in so much debt and he was willing to actually help me tend to kids. But he is a runner. He will never sign certified mail for domestics so he never has to pay, he won’t send me money just for the girls food and diapers. Big dickhead. But I’m finally able to work for myself full time since being pregnant.
I GOTZ A CHANCE FOR A NEW LIFE
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😇
Edited by Jewstress (05/29/19 09:56 AM)
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 Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student
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Re: Stupid shit worth breaking up over? [Re: Jewstress]
#26020420 - 05/29/19 12:18 PM (4 years, 10 months ago) |
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As an ex-anger addict with a past history of aggression and violence (although I have never laid my hands on a woman aggressively, just fought a lot of men) I can empathise with both sides here. When that 'red' clouds your vision, it can be extremely difficult to control yourself. I always had a line though, which meant only a raised voice with a woman, but even that would be hugely fucking unpleasant to be on the receiving end of.
I'm not condoning his behaviour at all, if he's not made any steps towards changing it - and it sounds like he hasn't - then it's absolutely the only thing you can do to remove his presence from your life. Definitely the farthest thing from 'stupid shit' worth breaking up over. I've been on the receiving end of domestic violence myself and it aint OK, and once it's started, it's very likely it'll only ever get worse.
From the very bottom of my heart; I wish you all the love and strength I can in making this huge change in your life.
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Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe
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Jewstress
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Re: Stupid shit worth breaking up over? [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#26020471 - 05/29/19 01:01 PM (4 years, 10 months ago) |
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Thanks so much for the understanding friend; it helps the transition when there is understanding and not judgement.
I knew he had a borderline personality diagnosis but I’m not one to judge, I know he sees the “red” when he gets physical but I know his natural state of calling me a cunt and telling me when I can and cannot work is control.
The anger was always there, anger can be worked on but the domestic violence is a choice I gave him plenty of time to change and what not.
He wants a submissive Christian woman who “knows her place” has been his latest line. He also wants to isolate me on his five acres of desert Colorado and I’m not an idiot. I am not the next ID channel special.
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😇
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student
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Re: Stupid shit worth breaking up over? [Re: Jewstress]
#26020493 - 05/29/19 01:16 PM (4 years, 10 months ago) |
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Interestingly, it was a Borderline woman that was the only person that's ever subjected me to DV.
There's a great book out there that will probably help to make a lot of sense of him and what he's put you through; it's called 'I hate you, don't leave me'. Apparently the leading work on the BPD condition. I highly recommend it - it really helped me.
From all my subsequent reading after marrying a BPD woman and going through hell afterwards, it seems to be that people with that diagnosis never truly heal/recover; they just learn to handle it better with time. More time than I was willing or able to wait though.
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Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe
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Jewstress
Momma
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Re: Stupid shit worth breaking up over? [Re: Jokeshopbeard]  1
#26020510 - 05/29/19 01:27 PM (4 years, 10 months ago) |
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You. Are. My. Hero.
Thank you so much for telling me; that is EXACTLY how I feel/where I am at.
And that is him “I hate you/don’t leave me”... it breaks my heart but without intensive therapy that his Mennonite religion is against he won’t heal.
The perfect storm.  breaks my heart for his kids the most; they won’t understand.
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😇
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student
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Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: Stupid shit worth breaking up over? [Re: Jewstress] 1
#26020566 - 05/29/19 01:56 PM (4 years, 10 months ago) |
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You couldn't be any more welcome JS. It's an honour to me to be able to help in any way that I can; especially if it reduces the suffering in the world even a teeny, tiny bit.
It's been almost four years now since I put that life behind me. Only fully healed around the turn the year. Spent most of the time between in 'the long dark night of the soul'.
Anything at all I can do to help; you know exactly where to find me.
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Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe
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 LogicaL Chaos
Ascension Energy & Alien UFOs
 
Registered: 05/12/07
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Re: Stupid shit worth breaking up over? [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#26021684 - 05/29/19 09:35 PM (4 years, 10 months ago) |
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You've heard of the Dark Night of the Soul? Very cool man! 
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student
Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: Stupid shit worth breaking up over? [Re: LogicaL Chaos]
#26021686 - 05/29/19 09:37 PM (4 years, 10 months ago) |
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LOL, I've more than heard of it, I fucking lived through it!!
Just about anyway. It very nearly destroyed me, several times over.
Where did you come across the phenomenon?
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Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe
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LogicaL Chaos
Ascension Energy & Alien UFOs
Registered: 05/12/07
Posts: 69,940
Loc: The Inexpressible...
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Re: Stupid shit worth breaking up over? [Re: Jokeshopbeard] 1
#26021692 - 05/29/19 09:42 PM (4 years, 10 months ago) |
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Its mentioned in Pleiadian New Age spiritual beliefs and is part of the "Ascension Process".
Heres an example of how its described: https://donnalakes.com/the-dark-night-of-the-soul/
This website describes it nicely as well: https://fractalenlightenment.com/28187/spirituality/7-signs-you-may-be-experiencing-a-dark-night-of-the-soul
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student
Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: Stupid shit worth breaking up over? [Re: LogicaL Chaos] 1
#26021711 - 05/29/19 09:53 PM (4 years, 10 months ago) |
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LOL, that second link makes the experience sound almost whimsical!
However I do agree with all it says - it's pretty spot on IMO - so thank you for sharing that.
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Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe
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LogicaL Chaos
Ascension Energy & Alien UFOs
Registered: 05/12/07
Posts: 69,940
Loc: The Inexpressible...
Last seen: 15 hours, 14 minutes
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Re: Stupid shit worth breaking up over? [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
#26021723 - 05/29/19 10:03 PM (4 years, 10 months ago) |
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Definitely. Pleiadian New Age teachings definitely take on a child-like whimsical innocence for sure.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student
Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: Stupid shit worth breaking up over? [Re: LogicaL Chaos]
#26022431 - 05/30/19 07:46 AM (4 years, 10 months ago) |
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I assure you, the experience is far from whimsical. It was the most gut-wrenchingly, heart-sufferingly, despairing, hopeless, and painful thing I've ever experienced.
I didn't even realise I was in it until the first rays of dawn came into my life again.
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Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe
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bloodsheen
ChemChaplin
Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 7,659
Last seen: 4 years, 2 months
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Thanks Jackson for sharing. I've come to understand from other conversations and stuff that your analogy with your nuts is true. I just wouldn't care about losing my nuts. But I'm certainly in the minority. I don't want kids, and sex always has an element of fear for that reason. In fact, I think I would be more fun in bed if I didn't have balls (assuming the hormone thing didn't ruin my sex drive). But most guys would be like, fuck no ain't nobody taking my nuts without a fight!
I don't feel like I berate her. But she probably doesn't see it that way. I tried very carefully to ask her, what if we wait 5 years to have kids and then you find out you can't do it anymore? Would you resent me if another guy would have kids with you soon? She she was like, nah I wouldn't trust any guy who would want to impregnate me so soon. And then she makes jokes about how her houseplants are our kids, etc. I feel like she is almost at the point Jewstress was, get me a kid now before it's too late. She and I are just nowhere near marriage, or even moving in together, let alone children. She can hate me, but she can't undo a lifetime of infertility.
Idk, two nights ago we had yet another stupid fucking argument that got bad. She's having a rough time in her life right now. And clearly needs both physical and mental help. And I love her, like a lot. But she was smashing dishes on her patio because she ran into a former friend who she ditched a couple years ago. And the friend is doing really well, which my gf takes to mean, "I abandoned her and she wasn't as hopeless as I thought. I'm an asshole." Which then quickly turned into, IM an asshole for a simple misunderstanding we had earlier that night. Basically just emotionally lashing out and making her bad night my fault. Like I somehow sent this woman Ive never met to run into her, or she wouldnt have taken it so badly if we hadnt argued.
But Jewstress, my complaints and problems seem like a joke compared to yours. It makes me feel kinda bad about what I'm willing to put up with when you put up with so much. I don't know if it makes me just an asshole to not want to deal with a woman breaking plates at 3am, or if it makes you just reckless to stay with a man who had hurt you so much
I straight up told her to take me the fuck back to my place after she tried to make me out to be the unreasonable one. After trying to comfort her while she smashed dishes. Like that's somehow my fault too. I really do love her, and I don't believe anyone will ever love me as much as she does. But maybe being alone is better than this bullshit
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A cautious young fellow named Lodge / Had seat belts installed in his Dodge. / When his date was strapped in / He committed a sin / Without even leaving the garage. That's clever, isn't it?-A boy and his dog
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Jewstress
Momma
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Re: Stupid shit worth breaking up over? [Re: bloodsheen]
#26025443 - 05/31/19 05:41 PM (4 years, 10 months ago) |
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My friend, do not compare your situation to mine. I would not wish my situation on anyone. I was 23 when I met him, I'm 29 now. I was young, naive, and scared. He made promises he could not keep. The ONLY one he kept was giving me babies.
How old is your girlfriend? It sounds like she is really internalizing her fears instead of expressing them in a healthy manner at this point and that is manifesting as anger and frustration. That is what concerns me more about her situation over the ovaries.
I would recommend that she seeks therapy from someone who was trained in a "generalist" approach. Most LCSW are trained that way at the Bachelors level and then move on to specialize.
If this situation is hard on you, DO NOT FEEL GUILTY WALKING AWAY. My personal GUILT kept me going back every time I left and the situation just got worse because HE was NOT willing to get the HELP and do the WORK he needed to in order to be the man I NEEDED.
I will always want the father of my children in my life, I will always want him to be the husband role model for my daughters so they know what to look for... but I cannot let my WANTS over power my NEEDS.
The rage over the friend is kind of immature to me, was she high/drunk at all? I understand being hurt and upset but to break dishes over someone you have not seen in years seems rather extreme to me... but I do not know what the previous nature of their relationship was.
If you need to step back from her some and take a break or less time with her so she can do whatever she needs to do, there is NOTHING wrong with that. Taking a step back can also help you see a bigger picture about the future, if she is not willing to do what she needs to now for herself and to maintain a healthy relationship with you, I do not expect her to start without some sort of other motivator beyond the detrimental diagnosis.
If she wants to talk to a female that went through it, she can contact me. Perhaps I can help her process as a woman because it is hard to relate certain things with the other sex.
Keep me in the loop, friend. Do not allow your mental and emotional states to go down either. You staying healthy will help her stay healthy. Perhaps time alone will be healthy for her to in order to figure it out.
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😇
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bloodsheen
ChemChaplin
Registered: 09/24/08
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Re: Stupid shit worth breaking up over? [Re: Jewstress]
#26025759 - 05/31/19 08:15 PM (4 years, 10 months ago) |
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Wow, that was an extremely kind and well thought out response, thank you. I'm glad to hear after all these years you are finally getting out, I wasn't imagining 6 fuckin years, damn.
She is indeed very young (23 actually, same as you at the start) and I'm pretty sure she was plastered drunk during the dish smashing thing. Unfortunately, she's had kind of a terrible life, she attempted suicide a couple years ago. Not nicely either, she tried to hang herself. She had a REALLY bad experience with a therapist shortly thereafter, and has taken that to mean it's all bullshit.
I couldn't be a better person to help her. I had to make a decision a little less than a year ago. I got fired for the dumbest reason, and it felt like the final straw after a lifetime of sadness. I had to decide between buying a gun to end it all or buying a plane ticket and coming home. The next 6 months were admittedly the worst of my life. I first had to get insurance, then I had my own terrible therapy experience that turned me off of it for awhile. Seven different drugs until I found the right combo. But since February I haven't had a single truly suicidal thought, my therapist is great, and she's helped me in so many unexpected ways.
I feel like this is my punishment for all the misery I spread when I was depressed. I couldn't have imagined a more perfect punishment. I waited a decade to get help. Even after all the times I heard people say they wished they had gotten mental help sooner. I realize now my loneliness and inability to find a mate were two huge glowing red signs that I needed help.
You are probably correct that I have every right to step back or walk away at this point. It probably speaks more to the ubiquity of mental illness in this country, but it's hard for me not to think I deserve it and the universe is getting back at me... No no no no, you don't get away from your depression that easily. First you have to feel what it was like for people who love you to watch you destroy yourself. Then you have to tear her down to the ground to save yourself... A little melodramatic maybe, and self-centered to think the universe would even care. But that's how it feels.
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A cautious young fellow named Lodge / Had seat belts installed in his Dodge. / When his date was strapped in / He committed a sin / Without even leaving the garage. That's clever, isn't it?-A boy and his dog
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Jewstress
Momma
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Re: Stupid shit worth breaking up over? [Re: bloodsheen] 2
#26025767 - 05/31/19 08:20 PM (4 years, 10 months ago) |
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You're thinking wayyyy too deep for this now.
Do not try to rationalize HER situation as YOUR punishment, they do not go hand and hand like you presume.
I'm sorry to hear she had a bad experience with just one therapist but just like people shop around for doctors for pain pills, you gotta shop around until you find the therapist that matches you.
It isn't a one size fits all world when it comes to mental, emotional, physical, or spiritual well being.
Stay safe, stay smart, know you're loved even when it doesn't feel like it because you are.
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😇
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CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub
Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,168
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Re: Stupid shit worth breaking up over? [Re: bloodsheen]
#26028560 - 06/02/19 10:20 AM (4 years, 10 months ago) |
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It sounds like perhaps you two have had communication issues in general. The high stress of the situation is just making those issues glaring.
She needs mental help.
Do you think maybe she would be more open to couples therapy? Something you could sit in with her and help her through the process?
One thing you have to realize is it's okay to not be able to deal with a mentally ill person. You probably had a lot of people in your life distance themselves from you while you were in a bad headspace. This is natural. Because our survival usually has to come first. And we don't survive very well if we sacrifice our happiness for someone else. If them eventually getting better won't make you feel any better after all you've sacrificed for them then it's the understanding you need to know to move on from this person. Maybe not entirely but distance, to keep yourself safe and whole.
Which is very important given your own mental battles.
Because you sticking it out with someone who is mentally ill only to fall back into illness yourself is only going to make the situation worse and make their predicament worse.
On a more practical level,
Is she diagnosed with cancer? If not, what symptoms does she have? Most tumors in female reproductive organs are begin. But at a certain point they do have to be dealt with because many can become cancerous. That being said it's not unusual to have confirmed begin tumors in the ovaries and for the doctor to do no more than monitor them.
If you are going to stick this out with her it's more important than anything else that you remain calm. Getting angry, even if you don't lash out, will only feed her negative emotions. And make her more resistant to listening to what she doesn't want to hear.
I'd suggest giving her a little bit of what she does want to hear.
Like what I just said. Many different types of ovarian tumors can be managed without resorting to removing the ovaries. And there are cancer treatments, legit ones, that don't involve chemo or radiation these days. They're very expensive and somewhat experimental (somewhat, they are confirmed to work and in some cases be more effective than traditional treatments) but you could start a gofundme page or something, reach out to one of these cancer centers, and figure it out. There's a great many incredible organizations out there that are specifically designed to assist women with reproductive cancer.
If she's that resistant to the idea of getting her ovaries removed then indulge that and help her explore her options while also encouraging her to at least be seeing specialists and having the situation monitored.
As bad as rejecting early cancer treatment is it's far worse to avoid having it looked at entirely. Even people that use alternative therapies still go in for imaging scans and consultations with their doctors.
Because that's the only way to gauge the situation and figure out how to move forward.
You need to go with baby steps.
Although now that you've already pushed your end game she may be closed up entirely to all of your suggestions. So you ought to be prepared for that too.
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  Free time is the only time 
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bloodsheen
ChemChaplin
Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 7,659
Last seen: 4 years, 2 months
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Re: Stupid shit worth breaking up over? [Re: CookieCrumbs]
#26029020 - 06/02/19 03:41 PM (4 years, 10 months ago) |
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Yea, I definitely feel like I may have sort of played my hand early and now she won't be listening. It's gone somewhat beyond just her own health at this point. She's so unwell mentally. I'm starting to think that its because her life is starting to get truly better that she's starting to break down.
And our communication is deplorable. This is the most serious relationship I've had, so I legit can't tell you if it's mostly my fault or both of our faults. Ive never really talked to a person outside of my family this seriously about anything. When we talk it's like "Wait, I thought you meant you didn't want to go?" -- "No, I thought you meant you didn't want me to come!" ...etc. It feels like talking to someone from another country sometimes
She was in survival mode for YEARS. I would wager this is the best time in her life since she was like 8 years old. Shes been working 70 hours a week for basically the past 5 years straight. I think she might have subconsciously been burying her head in work, drugs, and sex (she was a bit of a party girl).
As you said, she has had doctors tell her the tumor isnt cancerous. But she also bled, off and on, for 5 weeks recently, with occasional blinding pain and constant annoying pain. Even if the tumor doesn't kill her, or destroy her ability to have a child, the symptoms will drive her mad before she ever gets a chance to even try to have a child.
This is one of the most adult decisions Ive ever had to make. Choosing between the sick woman I love and my own happiness. I'm most afraid of not being able to live with my decision. If I broke up with her and later she came to my apartment crying, I think I would immediately buckle. Or hell, just feeling lonely one night and texting her.
Or if I decide to stay, where do I draw the line? She unapologetically stood on a patio covered in broken glass and essentially said it was my fault. That seems like a pretty fair line to draw. But in the past, I've cut myself, bashed my head into walls, slapped myself until my arms were tired, boxed a water softener until every knuckle bled, smashed an old television with a board... you get the idea. I was alone every time, so there was nobody to judge me. I didn't even tell anyone about it until last year. That's what I would be doing to her. Dumping her for behavior I've done myself.
I just don't know what to do. We have plans to talk in person Tuesday. Guess I have two more days to figure it out
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A cautious young fellow named Lodge / Had seat belts installed in his Dodge. / When his date was strapped in / He committed a sin / Without even leaving the garage. That's clever, isn't it?-A boy and his dog
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CookieCrumbs
Fucked off to the pub
Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 14,168
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Re: Stupid shit worth breaking up over? [Re: bloodsheen]
#26031337 - 06/03/19 09:29 PM (4 years, 10 months ago) |
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They can sometimes remove tumors in ovaries without damaging them. They're often left alone until they start growing rapidly or start causing unbearable symptoms. In which case it's better to try to address sooner than later. The longer you wait the more likely they will have to remove them.
Don't feel bad for being upset. That's normal and natural. How you manage your feeling is what's important.
I've been in a similar situation as she was. In survival mode for most of my life and then things got better and let my guard down and that was when tue worst of tue ptsd kicked in. But once I got over that hump... Life has been... Normal I guess. About as normal as I could hope for. I feel like I can actually have a life.
She's not ready for kids. But I wouldn't say that. If it feels appropriate you can say you would like to get ready for kids by fixing up everything and getting your mental and physical health up to the best it can be so that you two will be in a situation to raise good kids who will look back on their childhood fondly. Setting them up to give them the childhood you would have wanted.
Sorry not easy to type on tablet.
Goodluck tomorrow and keep control of your temper. And don't be afraid to walk away if you feel like all you are doing is making her more upset.
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Free time is the only time
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bloodsheen
ChemChaplin
Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 7,659
Last seen: 4 years, 2 months
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Re: Stupid shit worth breaking up over? [Re: CookieCrumbs]
#26031745 - 06/04/19 05:30 AM (4 years, 10 months ago) |
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I wouldn't feel right about even mentioning kids at this point. I feel like it would just be dangling a carrot that I'm not confident anymore I'd even want to give her. In fact, I'm not confident I even want to fight to stay with her. I'm afraid at this point the magic had just been sullied too much. Or that she's so mentally ill that talking through it isn't even an option for her right now. If I leave now I can at least preserve the good memories we've already made together...
If this was a 5 year marriage, I would be trying a lot harder to figure it out. But we don't even live together. I haven't talked to her in a week. And she apparently decided to go on vacation with her best friend, she's bailing on our conversation tonight. If that's what she needs to get clarity, that's fine with me. But considering her past, I think she knows I'm considering leaving her and she's just running away.
I can tell at least I've made a bunch of progress in my own life. I'm pretty sure if this had happened a year ago I'd want to die, or I would be convincing myself I hate her so my decision would be easier. Which isn't true in the least, she showed me happiness for the first time in my life, I dont think I could ever really hate her. The sex couldn't be much better, that alone will stick with me for life 
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A cautious young fellow named Lodge / Had seat belts installed in his Dodge. / When his date was strapped in / He committed a sin / Without even leaving the garage. That's clever, isn't it?-A boy and his dog
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