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Anonymous #1

Depression, dont want to bite the barrel of my gun
    #25975560 - 05/06/19 01:06 PM (1 year, 9 months ago)

I dunno where to start, Im just plain wrong in so many aspects of my life... and its all my fault. I feel like i just want to bite the barrel of my gun and end with this misery i feel now.

I was a "normal" individual... who indulged in psychedelics every once in a while, also smoked weed everyday, was not a user of hard drugs until cocaine.... luckily I was able to stop doing coke for good.... having a good income because of being entrepreneur i had enough money at my disposal to do a lot of coke... money was never an issue.

then i used meth, and things went shit from there, though i never smoked a lot of it i have smoked it like weekly or every 2 weeks for 6 months, I used it to work all night, and while it worked for a while to be more productive, it took its toll now, im a wreck even i never got to the tweaking phase... then... I used benzos to be able to sleep...

so now im addicted to crystal, and benzos, which is a much worse addiction i believe, this fucking anxiety and depression are killing me...

I have the luck to have a very loving, understanding and nurturing wife, that she's staying with me even though im not the best version of myself, in all honestly i dont think i will ever be back to be the same i was... but i thank the universe to send her my way.

So, im a piece of shit... i know... was having a non sexual...affair with a very good looking lady, so when we where about to be sexual i could not get it up due to meth shriveled dick, and she said we should only be friends, etc but instantly ditched me, wich contributed to my depressive behavior and realization i really need to lay off the meth, and benzos.... if not im going on a downward spiral, this really hurted me because i felt my manhood was lost, and I just was a subject of mockery by this girl and his circle of friends....

which when put into perspective is funny and i could not care less anymore, i have my wife and i realized what piece of shit im being for trying to screw this other chick... but god doesnt give wings to scorpions and i carry this lesson, and will dedicate all my love and time to my wife...

Now i just want all this feelings of depression be gone of my life... i heard ketamine can be insta-life changing for depression... i think i need some to rewire my head... i want to stop doing drugs but as a therapy i think it will serve me better that ssri's or antipsychotics as i have heard a lot of people swear by it and claim it saved their lives... I know I should also get into meditation, excercising and yoga

what do you think i could do


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OfflineStillSong
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Re: Depression, dont want to bite the barrel of my gun [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #25975620 - 05/06/19 01:39 PM (1 year, 9 months ago)

The last bit brotha. Yoga and meditation and excersize play into developing a healthy mindset and will also make you feel better physically as well. I enjoy meditation in the woods or a quiet place since I've started almost two months ago. You will learn from yourself after practicing for a while how to free yourself from the physical you and you will learn an inner peace you never knew you had.

Ketamine may be ok at low doses but I've seen many ppl who abuse it and it becomes an expensive unhealthy habit as well. Screw that bitch who made fun of you in her circle of friends. She acts like her pussy don't stank from time to time :lol: You definitely don't need to surround yourself with shallow ppl like that OP.

Sounds like you have a very loving gf at your side. Use her as a motivator to drop the meth and benzos and find a healthier lifestyle. Ppl care about you man and you can always come here to vent and get feedback.
Best wishes my friend!


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Re: Depression, dont want to bite the barrel of my gun [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #25975653 - 05/06/19 01:58 PM (1 year, 9 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:
what do you think i could do



Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:
I know I should also get into meditation, excercising and yoga



You already know what you should do.

Seeing as it was drugs that got you into this mess, it hardly makes any sense for you to start taking drugs to get out of it does it?

There's no magic pill to feeling good. As you know, because you've been taking some and they've nearly ruined your life.

Hard work. Discipline. Clean living.

Do it.


--------------------
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Re: Depression, dont want to bite the barrel of my gun [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #25976632 - 05/06/19 11:17 PM (1 year, 9 months ago)

The short and sweet answer is check yourself into a recovery program and therapy.

There isn't really many options when it comes to addiction and all the hell that comes with it.  You either do it alone and have a high chance of failure, or do it in some sort of program/therapy/etc where you have a support network and people trained on helping you kick and get your shit together.

Generally with people on the bad side of drug abuse there are other bigger issues going on, and they all go hand in hand.  The problems you have feed on each other, magnify each other, trigger each other and make it impossible to fix one without going after the rest.

If you REALLY WANT to get better, you can, and there are methods available and help out there.  You have to put in the effort and work though to get the ball rolling and take an active role in fixing yourself.


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Re: Depression, dont want to bite the barrel of my gun [Re: mndfreeze]
    #25976851 - 05/07/19 01:13 AM (1 year, 9 months ago)

I hope you don't lose it all man.
Speed can change a person big time. 
Get out while you still want to, while you still can.
Forgive yourself and stop saying you're a p.o.s.
Discipline.  No shame in getting help.  Takes cajones


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Re: Depression, dont want to bite the barrel of my gun [Re: DoneKildatReason]
    #25976986 - 05/07/19 02:52 AM (1 year, 9 months ago)

Talk to a doctor about the benzo addiction, or at least taper. Going cold turkey can kill ya.

I'd also give your gun to a friend for the time being.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Depression, dont want to bite the barrel of my gun [Re: Kryptos]
    #25977221 - 05/07/19 08:34 AM (1 year, 9 months ago)

DAMN it... its been 3 days since I last took a shit... i have been eating fiber and senosides to try and take a crap but it just doesnt come.... i feel bloated and my stomach hurts but i cant crap...

fucking meth just made me crap like there was no tomorrow


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Re: Depression, dont want to bite the barrel of my gun [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #25977273 - 05/07/19 09:21 AM (1 year, 9 months ago)

Go for a jog. All that bouncing should get things moving.


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OfflineDoc9151M
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Re: Depression, dont want to bite the barrel of my gun [Re: mndfreeze]
    #25977596 - 05/07/19 12:40 PM (1 year, 9 months ago)

Quote:

mndfreeze said:
The short and sweet answer is check yourself into a recovery program and therapy.

There isn't really many options when it comes to addiction and all the hell that comes with it.  You either do it alone and have a high chance of failure, or do it in some sort of program/therapy/etc where you have a support network and people trained on helping you kick and get your shit together.

Generally with people on the bad side of drug abuse there are other bigger issues going on, and they all go hand in hand.  The problems you have feed on each other, magnify each other, trigger each other and make it impossible to fix one without going after the rest.

If you REALLY WANT to get better, you can, and there are methods available and help out there.  You have to put in the effort and work though to get the ball rolling and take an active role in fixing yourself.



Very well said,  I agree with you 100%.

OP, you got this, do something about it before you lose your wonderful woman, she will get tired eventually, but if she sees you are really trying it will be easier for her. You already have stated you know what is causing you the problem,  now is the time to do something different, what you are doing is not sustainable my friend and you obviously have people that love and depend on you,  get help and I promise that you will be much happier later if you do what needs to be done.

Are you willing to go to any length to get clean? That is what it will take, unfortunately,  my experience with drug abuse has shown me that you have to be done with it,  if you are still rationalizing your use, you're not ready to quit, but I have hope that you will make that decision before it's to late. You are obviously an intelligent person,  so do the intelligent thing and get help.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Depression, dont want to bite the barrel of my gun [Re: Doc9151]
    #25978033 - 05/07/19 04:37 PM (1 year, 9 months ago)

thanks everyone for your excellent advise... im ready to quit... shit is just not worth killing myself slowly... or quickly...

i have a strong will,  I´ll try to kick it by myself and pure will... but if i feel that im losing it and going stray i will check myself into rehab.

I was able to kick alcohol and cocaine by myself on the past.... but those two seem like kandy in comparison to methamphetamine... and that considering i was never a full blown user... i used sparingly and not high doses... never came to the point of tweaking or psychosis, thankfully


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Re: Depression, dont want to bite the barrel of my gun [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #25978866 - 05/08/19 12:57 AM (1 year, 9 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:

what do you think i could do




What we decide not to do is important to consider. A Do-Not Do list is often more important than our To-Do list. 

Just because you choose to regularly use drugs does not mean you have a medical condition that requires some kind of special treatment or 30 days at a beautiful rehab resort where you eat fine food, swim, and talk about how unhappy you are. Although we are (constantly) told very few people can end an addiction without "help", that is simply untrue. Many millions of people have changed their intoxication behavior without special treatment or rehab programs. Addiction is a relationship. Have you ever considered what benefits you see in your relationship with drugs? You see benefits in using meth and benzos, or else you would not choose to use them.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Depression, dont want to bite the barrel of my gun [Re: RJ Tubs 202]
    #25979704 - 05/08/19 01:19 PM (1 year, 9 months ago)

I see no real lasting benefits at all of using meth and benzos... If i did I would not be bitching about it


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Anonymous #2

Re: Depression, dont want to bite the barrel of my gun [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #25979911 - 05/08/19 03:19 PM (1 year, 9 months ago)

Get off the meth and benzos and suffer through the withdrawals and your anxiety will eventually subside, same with the meth. Meth is a bitch to leave, but it is the cause of your depression and anxiety.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Depression, dont want to bite the barrel of my gun [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #25984796 - 05/10/19 09:44 PM (1 year, 9 months ago)

yes thats what im doing 7 days clean... i feel no desire to smoke yet... nor benzo WD


Edited by Anonymous (05/10/19 09:51 PM)


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InvisiblebodhisattaM
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Re: Depression, dont want to bite the barrel of my gun [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #25985462 - 05/11/19 08:42 AM (1 year, 9 months ago)

My buddy picked up this dude from jail once. They smoked some meth together first time for my buddy. And his last time too. But he was all depressed and off for probably about a good solid week after one day of using meth. That's just the way it balances out in the end when you blast your brain with one of the strongest drugs out there.


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Anonymous #2

Re: Depression, dont want to bite the barrel of my gun [Re: bodhisatta]
    #25989531 - 05/13/19 11:29 AM (1 year, 9 months ago)

My first time ever doing meth was with a needle and it fucked me up mentally for a good two weeks.


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Re: Depression, dont want to bite the barrel of my gun [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #25990104 - 05/13/19 04:49 PM (1 year, 9 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:
yes thats what im doing 7 days clean... i feel no desire to smoke yet... nor benzo WD




Are you taking/using anything else at all?  Other drugs can delay or hide withdrawal effects from another.  Benzo's and alcohol can have that effect. 

Good luck, you got this.


--------------------
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quote]Urb said:
I know... Its fucked up... Ill fix it minyana..[/quote]


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Re: Depression, dont want to bite the barrel of my gun [Re: mndfreeze] * 1
    #26004138 - 05/20/19 08:38 PM (1 year, 9 months ago)

Jesus Christ, dude. Well, first of all, let me just say that I hope you have not taken your life yet

Secondly, before taking your life, think of those that love and support you, and how devastated they would be if you took your life. It doesn't matter how much you hate yourself (believe me, I've been there), if you have even ONE person in your life who loves you unconditionally then you owe it to them to keep fighting

Now, I'll tell you a bit about me, because I can relate to your story. I have never tried meth, but I took drug-store amphetamines for over 8 years. I have also been dealing with depression since I was a teenager and have had suicidal ideation since I was in 7th grade (bad childhood)

I was prescribed the adderall, but that doesn't mean I haven't taken it "for fun" many, many times in my life. Meth is definitely more dangerous, but only because its production is not regulated by the government

Amphetamines are EXTREMELY psychologically addictive. Like you, I would take it often (I was in university, pre-med) to push myself as hard as I could. The thing about these uber-powerful uppers is that they have a nasty crash. I also had prescriptions for Xanax and Zoloft, and would use the Xanax when the addies were were wearing off (XR, so I was high all day). More importantly, I would also use alcohol because it helped with the nervousness that you get from speed

That combination of speed, alcohol, and benzos has caused almost irreparable damage to my life. I was a nerd my whole life, but these drugs turned me into an irresponsible asshole. I got a criminal record (misdemeanor, but still). I ruined friendships and a relationship. Needless to say I fucked up my hopes for medical school. Like you, I made a fool of myself with a woman I was romantically interested in and who was popular enough that many people would laugh at me behind my back

Consider that I was contemplating suicide BEFORE all of this happened. I'm not married or have kids. I'm still in my 20s. Based on your financial situation and marital status, I assume you are AT LEAST the same age as me. I have been to hell (still not all the way back) and am still here. I have a mom who loves me. She was abusive and an alcoholic when I was a kid, but people can hurt you even when they love you (like you with your wife). It doesn't make that love meaningless. I have siblings who treated me like their best friend when I was too shy and quiet to make any friends of my own. I have a sister who has supported me financially or emotionally every single time that I fucked up (countless times) due to my depression/addiction issues and never once thrown it in my face. I wallowed in self-loathing for, roughly, 14 years. I fantasized about killing myself for that same amount of time. But I haven't done it because I could never do that to my family. They were the ones who paid the biggest price for my years of self-destruction. I would be cheating them if I left without paying my tab

I feel for you, I really really do. But 6 months of drug abuse is nothing. Your job isn't important. Maybe you're placing too much importance on money. If your work is that stressful that you need to abuse uppers and downers, then do whatever it takes to get out of that situation. When I was doing pre-med and acing classes and finally getting attention from others despite my shyness, it felt really nice. Superficially, perhaps, my life looked nice, but really I had become the most toxic and worst version of myself. And eventually my ego and arrogance crashed down on me and everyone, including me, saw me for what I really was (or had become)

But now, looking back just a couple of years removed, I am grateful for that life lesson. It taught me a bit of humility. It taught me that life goes on even after the really low points and that those who genuinely care about you will still be there and won't think any less of you. Most importantly, it taught me that failure is a choice. It's about how we perceive ourselves. No one is forcing you to hate yourself. Nobody, except you, is saying "Haha, game over loser. You failed and will never be able to be happy again." It's just bullshit that your mind tells you, and you (YOU specifically, not the "royal you") have the ability to change the bullshit your mind says. It can be extremely negative if you want, or it can be extremely positive. They might both be lies, but at least one doesn't end with your brains splattered on the walls. Your mind is an organ, just like any other. They all work, more or less, the same. You've abused it for years, so it's not working so well. Go back to treating it with the proper dignity and it will do its job of keeping you alive

tl;dr version: life is indeed a bitch. a basic bitch, predictable as can be. your struggle is a very common one. you feel like you lost your manhood? Man up and go find it


Edited by meowjinx (05/20/19 08:45 PM)


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Re: Depression, dont want to bite the barrel of my gun [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #26004193 - 05/20/19 09:04 PM (1 year, 9 months ago)

Oh, and this is more of a pet peeve, but you I don't think you have any need to make this post anonymous. I mean, we are all already posting under "handles" or usernames

If you are an established member of this site and are afraid of harming your rep, I have a piece of advice that has helped me a lot: stop caring about your reputation. NOBODY gives a shit about you. I don't mean that to sound offensive, but I think that one of the most important stages of overcoming depression and anxiety and self-loathing is realizing that nobody really thinks about you as much as you think about yourself. People are so self-centered nowadays that once you stop being in their lives they quickly forget all about you. Out of sight, out of mind

Simultaneously, modern pubic social circles tend to put a spotlight on, and magnify, an individual's moral failures. Social media has caused us all to become villagers in a dystopian neo-Frankensteinian story. Its fake outrage that only lasts as long as it takes to find the new Frankenstein (or his monster, for you pedants). You fucked up, big whoop. Most people fuck up many times, in many ways, throughout their lives. So yeah, everyone fucks up, some just do it in a more public way. Mental health and addiction issues greatly increase the chance that your fuck-ups become public fodder. But why should you give a shit about "public opinion:? I guarantee that you are not a very important or well-known person. Your moments of humiliation don't mean jack-shit in the grand scheme of things. Just dust yourself off and keep going, cause nobody is paying close attention to your story anyway


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Re: Depression, dont want to bite the barrel of my gun [Re: meowjinx]
    #26005071 - 05/21/19 10:05 AM (1 year, 9 months ago)

Hey, are you ok?


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