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Mushrooms, Mycology and Psychedelics > The Psychedelic Experience > Trip Reports
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Don't do shrooms if you suffer from suicidal thoughts....
    #25961223 -

A few months back, I was experimenting with several different strains, cloning, etc. I tripped on a regular basis, but this one was different. It was my first time trying this particular batch of Penis Envy's. (Strongest shit i've ever had) I knocked back 5.5G's thinking I was gonna have a good time. I was wrong.

My girlfriend started getting nauseated and said something about overdosing. I said you can't overdose on a few G's of shrooms, but she was freaking out. Her freaking out made me start freaking out. Then she grabbed her phone and ran out of the room. I didn't know what she was doing, but I was tripping my balls off and I was scared that she was going to call someone because she thought she was overdosing. So the paranoia set in and I was freaking out running back and forth through the house. I started hyperventilating and it's all kind of a blur after that.

I kept looking over at the knives on the counter. Much to my surprise, I ran to the counter and grabbed a knife out of the block. I went to slit my own throat, but she ran up behind me and tried to push the knife away so it only scratched my throat. I pushed her off and proceeded to aim for the jugular and stab myself 6 times in the neck. I stopped for a second and realized what just happened. I wanted to finish the job so I then stabbed myself in the chest 4 times near my heart. The knife broke off in my chest, so I grabbed it and ripped it out and threw it on the ground. I looked up and saw the terror in her face. I ran to the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror for a minute staring at the blood all over me. Then I ran outside and started banging my head against the brick wall trying to knock myself out to just end the nightmare. I ended up laying on the ground and almost bleeding out. The paramedics came in and I was literally a few seconds from death when they got there. There was so much blood everywhere. After about 30 seconds I noticed that the paramedic over me looked like my dad and I was tripping hard so I thought it was my dad (I fucking hate my dad) So I leaned up and punched him in the nose and busted his face open. A cop ran over and I punched him in the mouth too.

I was restrained after that and taken to the hospital where I barely survived. I collapsed a lung, nicked a few arteries, several veins, bruised my aorta but didn't quite hit it, and damaged my vocal chords on one side.

They gave me morphine like candy for the next few days. It took 5 days before I could even sit up on my own or swallow food. I was in the mental hospital after that for like 5 days. It's been almost 4 months and I still spend everyday wishing I had died that night. But evidently i'm not that lucky. It's safe to say i'm never doing shrooms again. Moral of the story, if you have serious suicidal thoughts on a regular basis, you should probably stay away from hallucinogens. I learned my lesson and won't be doing them again, but I still wish i'd died that night. Depression fucking sucks. So does the PTSD everytime i'm holding a knife.

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Re: Don't do shrooms if you suffer from suicidal thoughts.... [Re: dmar]
    #25961230 -

:omgz:

5.5gs of PE is wayyy too much! Damn OP. Im glad you scraped by albeit barely!

Edited by StillSong (04/28/19 07:05 PM)

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Re: Don't do shrooms if you suffer from suicidal thoughts.... [Re: StillSong] * 1
    #25961239 -

Two words. " trip sitter" also " set and setting"., 😎👍 Thank you for sharing. Hopefully it will help others. I know it reminded me that we don't always know as much as we think we do. Stay happy and healthy my friends! 🙏♥️😀

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Re: Don't do shrooms if you suffer from suicidal thoughts.... [Re: Anoobus] * 1
    #25961344 -

:closecall:


i thought shrooms could help all this? anyway hope you the best


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...and when you loose control ; you'll reap the harvest you have sown.

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Re: Don't do shrooms if you suffer from suicidal thoughts.... [Re: dmppb]
    #25980888 -

dmppb said:
:closecall:


i thought shrooms could help all this? anyway hope you the best


You know, I originally started taking them to try to help with crippling depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, thoughts that life is just meaningless. I thought they would help. I thought for a while that I was starting to find the enlightenment I was looking for, but I think I just went full circle and came back to realize that I don't enjoy life in any way. I started studying things like quantum physics and cosmology (I was in college for engineering physics at the time) and all of that made me realize how tiny and insignificant we are. And how vast and empty the universe is and that one day the universe will inevitably cease to exist even if it's an unfathomable amount of time, eventually all of this will be meaningless. And that thought makes it hard to want to live and put up with the non stop series of unfortunate events that is my life. I will say though, I think microdosing was working really well for me as an actual medication. I was taking about .25 G of really good cubes every other day or so for a little while and I felt like my brain operated so much more clearly and without all the traffic that I usually have going on in my brain. My social anxiety was gone, my problem solving skills were great, my mood was great. I was just taking megadoses way too frequently and that's what did it. But I mean if you abuse any medication or drug, it'll mess with you, so I guess I was kind of asking for it. Anyways, this wasn't supposed to turn into my whole life story, but I guess i'm just trying to give my contribution as a case study for others who are looking for the same relief that I was. Hopefully my story will help someone else :shrug:

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Re: Don't do shrooms if you suffer from suicidal thoughts.... [Re: dmar]
    #25980924 -

Quote:
dmar said:And how vast and empty the universe is and that one day the universe will inevitably cease to exist even if it's an unfathomable amount of time, eventually all of this will be meaningless. And that thought makes it hard to want to live and put up with the non stop series of unfortunate events that is my life


I've had similar thoughts so I understand where you're coming from.  That's a sad story but I'm glad you made it out.  All I know to do is keep trying to find the thing that makes it worth it.  I wish you the best

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Re: Don't do shrooms if you suffer from suicidal thoughts.... [Re: TheStallionMang] * 1
    #25982599 -

Yikes, I'm sorry you went through that. How did your girlfriend fare? I'm interested in whether you had a framework for these experiences: any faith, rituals, deeper meaning, contemplation? I looked through your posts out of curiosity and noticed you didn't like tripping with other people. Could that be what set it off?

The hyperventilation can potentiate altered states, when I'm way too high on cannabis or shrooms I use a pulse oximeter to check whether my oxygen levels are at 99%. I often have to force myself to slow my breathing to a point that it feels dangerously slow, but my O2 will be a healthy 96-98%.

I'm someone with suicidal depression who was helped by tripping 3-4 times a year. The changes that happened in me involved no insight, for the most part I simply felt better after accepting and expressing the pain I was in.


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Shroomery Stylish Theme — How to avoid tick-borne diseases

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Re: Don't do shrooms if you suffer from suicidal thoughts.... [Re: Hygrocybe] * 1
    #25982621 -

That's what we call shocking the soul, they ain't Rx's lol.
Easy way to start a Dark Night of the Soul chapter of a life.


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Μανθάνων μὴ κάμνε

:alert: Mycology Fundamentals and Misc. Info :mushroom:

:chemistry: Stains, Reagents, and Media :alert:

Tradelist

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Re: Don't do shrooms if you suffer from suicidal thoughts.... [Re: BayerPhi] * 1
    #25982895 -

Can't help but wonder if mushrooms were the only drug in OP's system at the time.

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Re: Don't do shrooms if you suffer from suicidal thoughts.... [Re: PrimeNumber] * 1
    #25983313 -

If a person is already mentally fucked, their reality is too. Adding a catalyst like psychedelics is only going to amplify that in the direction the person is headed.

Idk why people think the Non-depression fairy comes to visit and cures them of their life issues.


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Μανθάνων μὴ κάμνε

:alert: Mycology Fundamentals and Misc. Info :mushroom:

:chemistry: Stains, Reagents, and Media :alert:

Tradelist

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Re: Don't do shrooms if you suffer from suicidal thoughts.... [Re: BayerPhi]
    #25983335 -

BayerPhi said:
If a person is already mentally fucked, their reality is too. Adding a catalyst like psychedelics is only going to amplify that in the direction the person is headed.

Idk why people think the Non-depression fairy comes to visit and cures them of their life issues.


So true!

-


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.. harmala extraction TEK.. / .. mescaline extraction TEK.. / .. cactus tar pellets TEK..
.. long distance trip / are you shpongled? / ELDER / TUBER / Jordso / IAH / Sleeping Pandora ... / Thurnin / OPETH ...
.. essential psychedelic guide, by D.M.Turner
.. Tihkal .. / .. Pihkal .. / .. Psilohuasca ..

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Re: Don't do shrooms if you suffer from suicidal thoughts.... [Re: BayerPhi]
    #25984036 -

BayerPhi said:
If a person is already mentally fucked, their reality is too. Adding a catalyst like psychedelics is only going to amplify that in the direction the person is headed.


First of all, there's a lot of different ways someone can be "mentally fucked."  Depression, anxiety, mania, psychosis, PTSD, OCD, et cetera, and they all have different causes.  While it seems obvious that someone having an episode should steer clear of any mind altering substance, I don't think it's obvious that psychedelics would be a bad thing for all bad states of mind. 

I mean, for some, the alternative is electroconvulsive therapy, or a cocktail of enough antipsychotics/antidepressants/benzos to turn you into a zombie.  And those pills increase suicidal thoughts and actions.

We're obviously not there yet, but perhaps one day people who are "mentally fucked" could be given psychedelics in a hospital or otherwise controlled setting. 

I'm still curious whether OP had any other drugs in his system at the time.

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Re: Don't do shrooms if you suffer from suicidal thoughts.... [Re: BayerPhi] * 1
    #25984516 -

I've tripped many times while "mentally fucked" and had both cathartic experiences and duds, depression does not cause bad trips. Stan Grof administered thousands of LSD sessions and drew some interesting conclusions about why people have horror trips like this one:

This type of suicide seems to be in close connection with the agitated form of depression and associated with BPM III. The subjects here feel a strong urge to end an unbearable situation at the expense of a bloody catastrophe and tremendous release of tension and aggression. Bloody suicides thus seem to represent a dramatic re-enactment of the situation occurring at birth and can be seen as the result of tragically misunderstood craving for delivery-deliverance. This category includes suicidal plans or tendencies involving death under the wheels of a train, in the turbine of a hydroelectric plant, throwing oneself from a window, tower or high rock, cutting one's throat, blowing out one's brains, stabbing oneself with a dagger, harakiri, kamikaze or suicidal auto accidents.


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Shroomery Stylish Theme — How to avoid tick-borne diseases

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Re: Don't do shrooms if you suffer from suicidal thoughts.... [Re: Hygrocybe] * 1
    #25986752 -

It helped me through my down years


--------------------
Warning!!!
Mushrooms will birth baby slugs in your stomach if eaten.


I had a major ghostly experience. Something shattered my oven glass and there's no logical explanation.

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Re: Don't do shrooms if you suffer from suicidal thoughts.... [Re: BayerPhi]
    #25987212 -

Man that was frigthening AF. I had the same view after an accidental trip, they arent meant for everybody As it can greatly amplify paranioa Specially not for reactional.

Microdosing seems for me is their right usage for those who are in real need of em. Same goes for alchohol.

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Re: Don't do shrooms if you suffer from suicidal thoughts.... [Re: pacmanbreed]
    #25988085 -

Wow. This has given me a lot to think about. Thank you for sharing OP, and @Hygrocybe for sharing that link.

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Re: Don't do shrooms if you suffer from suicidal thoughts.... [Re: thecynicalstoic]
    #25992837 -

I have a ceremonial knife as part of my ritual setting, but things like this make me wonder if I shouldn't lock that away in a cupboard instead :V


Hope you're doing better


--------------------
Life saved by DMT

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Re: Don't do shrooms if you suffer from suicidal thoughts.... [Re: PrimeNumber] * 1
    #25996894 -

PrimeNumber said:
Can't help but wonder if mushrooms were the only drug in OP's system at the time.


Definitely the only drugs in my system. I don't fuck with anything else. I don't even drink.

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Re: Don't do shrooms if you suffer from suicidal thoughts.... [Re: PrimeNumber] * 1
    #25996908 -

PrimeNumber said:
BayerPhi said:
If a person is already mentally fucked, their reality is too. Adding a catalyst like psychedelics is only going to amplify that in the direction the person is headed.


First of all, there's a lot of different ways someone can be "mentally fucked."  Depression, anxiety, mania, psychosis, PTSD, OCD, et cetera, and they all have different causes.  While it seems obvious that someone having an episode should steer clear of any mind altering substance, I don't think it's obvious that psychedelics would be a bad thing for all bad states of mind. 

I mean, for some, the alternative is electroconvulsive therapy, or a cocktail of enough antipsychotics/antidepressants/benzos to turn you into a zombie.  And those pills increase suicidal thoughts and actions.

We're obviously not there yet, but perhaps one day people who are "mentally fucked" could be given psychedelics in a hospital or otherwise controlled setting. 

I'm still curious whether OP had any other drugs in his system at the time.


I mean I actually had pretty good success with psychadelics as a medication for about a month. It eased the anxiety, depression, social awkwardness, racing thoughts, etc... like I was doing really good on microdosing. Dosing so high was absolutely fucking retarded. If I had stuck to microdosing, i'd have probably done really good with it medicinally.

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Re: Don't do shrooms if you suffer from suicidal thoughts.... [Re: dmar] * 1
    #25996936 -

I also suffer from bad depression and anxiety. The Last time I tripped hard was with ayahuasca. I took a large dose like you did but I was in my room by myself. I completely lost my mind. If I had a gun I would have killed myself. It gave me depersonalization disorder for 2 years.  It always makes me upset when people recommend large doses of mushrooms and ayahuasca for depression and anxiety. Most people don't understand real depression. Mushrooms can help someone get over a bad breakup or something like getting fired from your job. But mushrooms CANT help with real depression. If you have trouble getting out of bed ayahuasca and mushrooms is the last thing you should be doing. Set and setting is extremely important. Even if mushrooms can help with extreme depression it's not worth the risk. I'll never take a large dose again. Mushrooms and ayahuasca can make you go crazy.  there's better medicines for bad depression like cactus and MDMA. I'm sorry this happened to you. I just want you to know that you're not the only one going through this and that thing's can change. You're going to die no matter what so there's no reason to kill yourself. It would seriously hurt the people that love you.

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Re: Don't do shrooms if you suffer from suicidal thoughts.... [Re: Hygrocybe]
    #25996943 -

Did you just say depression doesn't cause bad trips 😒. This is exactly what I was talking about. Most people don't understand real depression. You can learn a lot of good things off this site but fu-k! Some of you say the most stupid sh-t!

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Re: Don't do shrooms if you suffer from suicidal thoughts.... [Re: Shenmue]
    #25997429 -

Maybe I'm feeling in a good mood or something, but I took it more as a caution against all generalizations. Like you said, it's difficult for people to understand and empathize, especially when one is in a dark place feeling alone, and I think it was understanding of this that spurred the comment.

I personally took it to mean "Depression on its own doesn't guarantee a bad trip for everyone". I've had plenty of stuff that hasn't worked for me at all (even hindered in some cases) that works wonders for other people I know personally. I'll try to remember not to generalize, because I really don't want to be the one responsible for someone not trying something that just happened not to work for me. What if it would have worked for them, and they didn't do it because of what I said?

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Re: Don't do shrooms if you suffer from suicidal thoughts.... [Re: Shenmue]
    #25997920 -

Shenmue said:
real depression


As opposed to unreal depression?

We don't know the physiological cause of depression.  Some say it's a chemical imbalance (they're wrong), some say it's inflammation (they're onto something), some say it's the gut bacteria. 

I bet my life that psychedelics can help people with mental illness, but in those cases a controlled environment is important. 


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Re: Don't do shrooms if you suffer from suicidal thoughts.... [Re: PrimeNumber]
    #25997970 -

Wow, glad you're okay, OP!

Definitely wise to be cautious, but everybody is different. I think the real lesson is to approach mushies with respect, research, and preparation. That much penis envy is insane when you don't really know what you're dealing with. I have had suicidal tendencies since I was 5, been on and off SSRIs, etc, after my dad killed himself. 9 out of 10 trips for me have been very rough, and pretty miserable, but not without valuable lessons that are a catalyst to personal change. If you're looking to have fun, then yes it could very well turn into an intolerable nightmare that you'll do anything to escape, but that's not why I trip. I have more hope than I've had in years, and finally am not thinking about suicide on the daily since using mushies over the course of the last ~4 months. Just like any tool, they can be used properly or they can be abused. When mushies are abused, they however demand respect in a way that is very obvious.

TLDR: Don't scare off people that can benefit just because your singular experience of OD'ing was terrible. Shrooms demand respect.

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Re: Don't do shrooms if you suffer from suicidal thoughts.... [Re: nulls]
    #25998007 -

I’m so sorry for you to have gone through that. I’ve found that more often than not, taking mushrooms with other people, especially inexperienced, is a terrible idea especially when larger dosing. It only takes one little thing to throw your world into a spiral and you have no control of the actions of others, so it’s 0-100 real quick. Glad you’re ok and I’m glad I read this because it was a reminder of why I’m a lone tripper.

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Re: Don't do shrooms if you suffer from suicidal thoughts.... [Re: Shenmue] * 1
    #25998761 -

During my first trip I was "mentally fucked," as in suffering from treatment-resistant major depression with suicidal ideation, I did not have a bad trip. This trip happened to an otherwise well-balanced individual.


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Shroomery Stylish Theme — How to avoid tick-borne diseases

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Re: Don't do shrooms if you suffer from suicidal thoughts.... [Re: Hygrocybe] * 1
    #26001167 -

My first time was amazing. Still remember it like it happened yesterday. Giggly as fuck. Vibrant moving colors. An over all uplifting mood. Great first time


--------------------
Warning!!!
Mushrooms will birth baby slugs in your stomach if eaten.


I had a major ghostly experience. Something shattered my oven glass and there's no logical explanation.

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Mushrooms, Mycology and Psychedelics > The Psychedelic Experience > Trip Reports
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