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Anonymous #1

Divorce... and Shrooms... and Love
    #25936297 - 04/15/19 02:18 PM (4 years, 9 months ago)

Sorry in advance for the sappiness and the length. Just for background I was raised in the LDS (Mormon) faith and even started to serve a mission for them before I realized it was a cult and utter bullshit. This experience of losing my faith helped me grow eventually but its a hard religion to leave, as my family and extended family are very committed. I knew for myself that I did not believe but I had to restart my life with my own values and I was excited. I moved to Utah however, to start college. I hated the school I went to for obvious reasons and because I was still the insecure person I was even with my newfound understanding of reality. I left the university after 1 semester and lived in my car and worked to save money for 5 months. I then traveled alone through the western US. I was 20 at the time. I had hardly drank and had only smoked weed a handful of times. I kissed one girl in high school and never had a real relationship. This was partially due to teachings that I was raised that premarital sex is the worst thing you can do besides murder... and partially because I hated the way I looked. I had mild gynecomastia (man boobs) but was very active. I played soccer in high school and always running around staying fit. Kids are assholes though so I was called all sorts of names and I also had bad acne and I didn't like my face. I was called ugly and all that and I let it get to me. The girls I liked in high school were typically "out of my league" and I mostly admired from afar without ever taking action. When I did it was awkward and made me even more hopeless.

Upon returning from my trip, which lasted over 3 months and 20,000 miles, I settled again in Utah, as I had residency and planned to go back to school. I also had some friends and cousins/family to stay connected. I started a job in September of 2016. I met a girl the 1st day of training and she was everything I wanted, or so I thought. I slyly asked her for rides from work as my car had "broken down". She obliged and we got to know each other quickly as we spent 8 hours a day together and we went on our first date that weekend. We got sushi and listened to music then made out vigorously until 4am. I thought I would marry this girl. I did. We were engaged 2 months later and moved in together at the same time. We were attached at the hip as neither of us had strong bonds with anyone else in the area. We spent all day together at work and then all day afterwards and sometimes we'd spend the night together as well. We became sexually involved quickly and it was great. She was my 3rd but my first more than a one night stand.

Our relationship was strained as she was very insecure and vague about her past, but told me enough where I figured it was better to leave alone. She had been abused as a child and neglected to tell me until after we were married. She also failed to disclose her sexual history in full. She had very lax parents and pretty much fucked around from age 13 until her last boyfriend before me. He had a porn addiction that caused them to break up. She asked him to stop, he didn't. She told me this right off the bat when we started dating. I had watched porn and had a lot of shame about it during my time in Mormonism as it is very looked down upon. But I stopped watching because she was more than enough sexually for me. That was until she started physically abusing me 3 months into the relationship. I provoked her and was verbally abusive but when we fought I would dip out and threaten to break up and we would escalate into lunacy. That said, she crossed the line and would hit me, slap me, bite me, kick me, etc. It wasn't traumatic necessarily and she always apologized. I gave her the benefit of the doubt that it would change but it went on for a year.

2017 was the year we got married and the year she hit me. I would also return to sporadic (less than monthly) porn use. She was very controlling and we isolated ourselves greatly. She would always go through my phone and accuse me of cheating but besides the porn I didn't. I did lie to her and tell her I didnt watch any porn though. That really weighed on me as it felt just like I was in the church again having to hide myself. To make it worse, our sex life was very boring. It almost always felt like she was fucking me for me, never because she wanted to. It was vanilla. So yeah I watched porn occasionally. I should not have lied about it and eventually came clean, but that's later.
In Dec. 2017 we were fighting over whether I should be able to go to the climbing gym alone as she feared that I would stare at other girls' asses... I called her out on not trusting me and that I was sick of living in fear. We argued and she hit me a few times. I told her to keep hitting me, hit me, hit me again, and she headbutted me in the face. The neighbors called the police and because of Utah's zero tolerance policy, my attempt to protect my wife by omitting to tell what happened, and her telling the police that it was self defense, resulted in me going to jail... I ended up only getting disorderly conduct as her uncles worked for the justice system and got the domestic charges dropped. I stayed with her even after this. She got on a mood stabilizer and started therapy. Things went okay. Sex was still boring, I kept watching porn about once a month, she got into her career as a hairstylist.

In July or so of 2018, we found access to LSD. We had been potheads since our honeymoon (summer 2017) when we roadtripped and discovered legal weed. After about 3 trips I knew I had to confess my porn use even if it ended our marriage. She had disclosed her sexual history and I had forgiven her for being witholding. She was going through withdrawals as she was getting off the mood stabilizer, but life seemed on its way up. I had been promoted and our finances were stable. I had also been attending school. Anyways, she eventually forgave me for the porn stuff but not really fully. I suspect it is a reason she left me.

We moved for my schooling in Dec. 2018 to a town 2 hours north. We were both excited. I started growing psilocybin mushrooms too. I thought they would help us heal emotionally and help us as LSD had. Except when I couldn't find a job, realized that I wanted to switch degrees again, and that this university was more difficult, I sunk into a deep depression. My wife had found a good job as a barber and stylist and she supported us. I eventually found a job at a shitty gas station 30 min north of town. I lasted a month. When I quit, my depression reached its peak (or trough). My wife was livid and stressed about money, understandably. But I became suicidal as she was unwilling to ditch our life there. I wanted to go live in an RV or something and find an untraditional life or kill myself. I was obviously in a psychotic break. She took it pretty personally and we fought about it. She left about 3 weeks ago. Her leaving was the last straw for my psyche. I snapped and bought a gun. I packed up and drove to Texas, where I was raised in order to return the car my parents helped me buy before offing myself. My last action at home was to harvest my first flush of mushrooms for her. I have had no contact with her and have no idea how they were besides a single small mushroom which gave  me a pleasant experience with mild visuals. I hope they find her well and help her heal from the craziness that was our relationship. I'd really like to speak with her about healing and stuff. Our relationship was very intimate and her cutting it off so suddenly still stings.

Anyways, on the 20 hour drive I had to face my demons and realized that as hard as it would be to move home at age 23 and completely restart my life from scratch, I couldn't and wouldn't commit suicide. I spent a week in a behavioral hospital voluntarily and at the request of my parents. I am also in counseling now and on medication for depression and anxiety. I'm thankful for my parents for letting me come live at home.

I wanted to share just in case anyone is struggling with divorce or depression or suicidal ideations. Please don't isolate yourself. It's so easy to reject love. I did it my whole life and my whole marriage basically. I've come to realize my intimacy issues were rooted in my inability to express emotion healthily. I shoved it aside or avoided it altogether. Rarely did I show any emotion in front of others. I believe that it stems from my logical parents not handling my emotions as a child. I also believe my wife has similar issues except she has outbursts of anger when she is not understood or is experiencing too much emotion. She was diagnosed earlier in her life with depression and panic anxiety disorder. Sorry, I digress. Please have faith in yourself that you will find love. Maybe not soon. But love yourself enough to believe that you are worth being loved. You are. If you don't feel this way, examine your actions and habits and change some small things so that you can learn to respect yourself. It will make a difference. Lean on others, as no man is an island. Love is so much bigger and more powerful than we think. I thought I understood it but now know how much I rejected it over the years. I didn't show it or receive it into my heart from my parents, siblings or wife. I always kept distance. But eventually, shoving away all emotions will prevent you from feeling the good ones. If this sounds like you, please reach out. Find your village of support. Love will save you.


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Anonymous #2

Re: Divorce... and Shrooms... and Love [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #25936939 - 04/15/19 08:00 PM (4 years, 9 months ago)

I needed this. I empathize greatly as the female perspective in this.

My childrens father born and raised in a cult. Same issues.

Only difference is I got two daughters now; which choice is healthier for them?


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Anonymous #3

Re: Divorce... and Shrooms... and Love [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #25937682 - 04/16/19 08:28 AM (4 years, 9 months ago)

Which was better the Mormon life or the high school drug consumption non stop life taking LSD and shrooms non stop?

Please clarify as both are pretty opposite spectrum from each other. Otherwise incredible story though mate.


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Anonymous #4

Re: Divorce... and Shrooms... and Love [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #26997267 - 10/22/20 03:01 AM (3 years, 3 months ago)

I am with you. I, also, passed over a hard divorce. It was very hard to find a compromise but after some months we found one. A big help was atlanta mediation attorney because he listened to our demands and he found a good compromise for us. With a mediator, we saved a lot of money because our divorce wasn't made by a court but by him (mediator). It took more than 3 months but we were satisfied with how he worked. Now it is legal and you can divorce in this way. I will advise it to all my friends because it is worth it. 


Edited by Anonymous (10/29/20 03:56 AM)


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Anonymous #5

Re: Divorce... and Shrooms... and Love [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #26997559 - 10/22/20 09:10 AM (3 years, 3 months ago)

I too needed this, thank you for being so brave and sharing. I am sending you a giant hug filled with love.


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