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InvisibleChRnZN
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Registered: 12/21/08
Posts: 4,925
The Use Of The Word Should In Relationships * 1
    #25934874 - 04/14/19 06:40 PM (5 days, 1 hour ago)

Quote:


As long as I think I 'should' do it, I'll resist it, even if I want very much to do it.

Marshall Rosenberg




If someone tells you that you should do something, they create a taboo that works against their own interests. It goes against the sense of play inherent in life and replaces it with something dull and monotonous. Similarly in relationships a partner who tells their partner they should do something is setting up a fortress around their needs, making it very hard for them to be met. Instead of using this kind of communication, someone's partner who has a need that is not being met could simply and naturally state how they feel and an explicit need that could be fulfilled without stepping on anyone's toes.

Does anyone have a real life example of this kind of problem / solution they would like to share? I am interested in this zen kind of mode of thinking and would like to explore it more if anyone else is interested.


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InvisiblebodhisattaM
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Re: The Use Of The Word Should In Relationships [Re: ChRnZN]
    #25935104 - 04/14/19 08:59 PM (4 days, 23 hours ago)

You should give me some real world examples


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Invisiblekoraks
Registered: 06/02/03
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Re: The Use Of The Word Should In Relationships [Re: bodhisatta] * 2
    #25935335 - 04/15/19 12:41 AM (4 days, 19 hours ago)

>Does anyone have a real life example of this kind of problem / solution they would like to share?
Solution: when someone says 'should', interpret it as 'you could', 'I would propose', 'consider doing it this way', 'in my opinion it would make sense to' and other variants along similar lines.

Stepping on toes takes at least two people. One person to do the stepping, and another one to maneuver their toes in a position to be stepped onto.


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InvisibleJewstress
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Registered: 03/21/19
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Re: The Use Of The Word Should In Relationships [Re: koraks]
    #25936901 - 04/15/19 07:37 PM (4 days, 37 minutes ago)

Ok, my baby daddy and I were hanging out for like the third time and I was angry and freaking out about something in the car before we left for the bar...

Baby dad: "You should relax"
Me: "DONT TELL ME WHAT TO DO"


He literally did not intend to do that at all... but because of the context and the current situation at hand, bam. I resisted.

I don't listen to no one, but me.


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InvisiblePecheur
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Registered: 07/05/18
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Re: The Use Of The Word Should In Relationships [Re: Jewstress] * 1
    #25937110 - 04/15/19 09:49 PM (3 days, 22 hours ago)

You can lead people to the same conclusion with a bit of tact.  Being told what to do or what you should do can sound condescending and belittle your partner.

Instead of saying you should just do “x” - you say “what if you did “y”- do you think that would alleviate (insert friction or static creating event here)?

Instead of being like Babe you should quit your shitty Fucking job- your boss is shit and you always come home mad.  You say, “what if you left this job for something healthier and more fulfilling babe!?  You deserve to be appreciated for your hard work, especially with all the long hours and I hate to see you burnt out.  Maybe the new firm down the block has an opening, that’d be lovely?

Using conversation built around phrases like what if we, how would this work, how would this make you feel, and could this help- alleviate the aggressive and condescending connotations of haste advice while still allowing you to voice your idea and guide your partner to the area of concern and the solution you are trying to convey.  By asking their opinion and acknowledging their concerns/emotions about the problem at hand you can not only fulfill their social bids in a healthy manner but it allows you to give your partner positive affirmations that can strengthen your relationship even when you may have a high tension issue at hand.    Assertive doesn’t have to be demanding, and demeaning.  Sometimes we all just need to check the delivery on our intent.


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OfflineIcon
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Re: The Use Of The Word Should In Relationships [Re: Pecheur] * 1
    #25937497 - 04/16/19 05:23 AM (3 days, 14 hours ago)

My romantic friend has a love/hate relationship with weed and me :wink:

Our relationship has been kind of stalling lately around these smoke sessions. I'm a daily stoner and just got some legendary herb that I knew would taste and feel incredible through a freshly cleaned volcano vape. I took a day off smoking to clean the parts and get everything excellent for a smoke sesh with her later.

My text message was "Ohh shit I just cleaned the vape and it tastes soo good! Lmk if you wanna toke today :smile: you gotta try it".

Any other time we've hung out it was through a more open invitation, like "hey would you like to smoke?" I noticed immediately that this invitation felt more forced. Even though I didn't say "should", I think "you gotta try it" had the same effect. Not only did she not accept the invitation, which was unusual, but she declared a hiatus from smoking. Total backfire lol.

I realized it implied a sort of neediness on my part and fear of her denial. We've already talked about those feelings though, or rather the differences between ours.


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InvisibleChRnZN
CDLXXIII

Registered: 12/21/08
Posts: 4,925
Re: The Use Of The Word Should In Relationships [Re: Icon]
    #25937505 - 04/16/19 05:32 AM (3 days, 14 hours ago)

Thanks for your additions everyone. Very thought-provoking. :strokebeard:

edit: to follow up...

It's good to see that people are trying to empathize with their partners/friends. To quote Rosenberg again, it helps to find "the need behind the no," in other words, the reason why the other person is not getting their needs met. I think it has to do with how they are feeling and what is "alive in them" at the time of their rejection that leads to feelings of self loathing. Once a person can get to the bottom of those feelings it is possible to move past them and return to that eternal moment of play that defines the fun of living.


Edited by ChRnZN (04/16/19 05:49 AM)


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Offlineveda_sticks
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Re: The Use Of The Word Should In Relationships [Re: ChRnZN]
    #25944354 - 04/19/19 06:53 PM (1 hour, 21 minutes ago)

Oh I'll tell you a real. Life example.

I'm a freelancer who was pulled into a job I never chose. As a sort of aprrentice of sorts but on basically slave wages a d ended up I. A skilled job but at bwr ly living wage rates.

Made to think I'm lucky earni g a decent wage for my then young self workk g 20 days a month.

With constant chats with th commen phrase (oh yiu should be doing this that etc.

I'm possibly autistic. Among other mental health issues.

Guesses on if I followed. All those. You should be advices...


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