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Dating a crazy cat Lady.. Need advice.
    #25932516 -

So we are both pretty young. I'm 21 and she is 18. We've been together for 3+ years. When we met, we were both in a bad spot. We were both still living with our parents until I eventually got a full time job and moved us into our first apartment while she was finishing High school. She wasn't contributing anything to our household financially until just recently over the past winter. Now from the title yes, she likes cats. Maybe a little too much. I understand though because she hasn't had many friends and doesn't go out to see anyone whatsoever except the occasional family visit.
So at one point we had 10 cats, 2 dogs and a couple rats in our not so spacious two bedroom apartment..

We came to an agreement that the small dog needed to go as he wouldn't defecate or urinate outside often. He also had a bit of seperation anxiety when we left the house at all.
Then we decided to cut down on two cats; one was deaf, the other became territorial and peed outside the litter. She was behind these decisions as much as I was after having a few too many mishaps..

Now we have 8 cats.. Always seems to be getting worse. (Probably because one of the cats has grown into an adult)
I constantly have this conversation that I am not happy with how many are living in this apartment (which I've always paid rent for) and it always turns into an argument. The smell of the litter boxes seep into the whole apartment and make me nauseous! We have nowhere else to store them besides our pantry room in the kitchen. I just want to cut down on three more cats. To a more suitable number for our apartment situation. (KEEP IN MIND: She didn't have any of these cats before we started dating.)
Her excuses are the following:
-"I promise I won't get anymore cats after these ones" (her idea is the solution is to wait until they expire.. which can take up to 20 years!!)

-"I already got rid of two of my cats and a dog for you. (Meanwhile at the time, this was a mutual decision we both made. She even arranged the rehoming.)

-"Whats the point? you are just going to ask me to get rid of more after these ones!"

This has gotten so bad that I've become furious about the situation several times. Yelling, screaming, kicking stuff..
Its driving me INSANE!!
The cats puke on our bed sheets ever so often, the cat litter smell makes me have to open all our windows and spray air freshener (even after refreshing litter) and the amount of shit the fuckers knock over constantly keeps us up at night sometimes. One of them even PISSED on a brand new mattress right after I received it. Also it goes without saying that this many cats produces a lot of fur. . Fur in my fuckin' food, fur on my towels when I go to dry my face. I'm sick of it.

I'd like to say, I'm a nice guy but lately this whole situation has made me lose a lot of respect for her. She is a child in the mind it seems..

But seriously, I've tried the ultimatum "me or the cats" and even though we've been together for almost four years, she just goes along with it until I end up letting the cycle begin again..

What the fuck can I do besides get her cats removed from my home while shes at work? I honestly shouldn't have to put up with this many animals.

I love the dog so much more than all of the cats combined. Why can't I just have a dog and maybe 3 cats MAXIMUM??

Edited by PurpleHaz (04/13/19 01:41 PM)

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Re: Dating a crazy cat Lady.. Need advice. [Re: PurpleHaz] * 1
    #25932528 -

Watch out, before you catch that toxoplasmosis yourself from all that cat shit and become a crazy cat man


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Re: Dating a crazy cat Lady.. Need advice. [Re: PurpleHaz]
    #25932579 -

Please, the Shroomery.org is a place of high sterility.

Really you need to just grab life by the pussy. By this I mean super-pussy, best option: buy a super cat, far superior to the others, kick some them out.

I love my bonsai more than my dogs but I'd still suggest getting that old dog back for the balance, though a tortoise would be best.

If still none of this works open a zoo.

Edited by mojotoke (04/14/19 03:27 AM)

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Re: Dating a crazy cat Lady.. Need advice. [Re: PurpleHaz] * 2
    #25932669 -

Duuude, sounds awful. I think you have no choice but to stick to the me or the cats card. You should find new homes for the cats rather then put them down but yea sound like you have some thinking to do. If a person needs 10 cats in a 2 bedroon appartmet to be happy there is definetly something wrong with her. I wouldnt want to have children with a cat collector but hey thats just me.

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Re: Dating a crazy cat Lady.. Need advice. [Re: MOONisAtruffle]
    #25932699 -

:whathesaid:

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Re: Dating a crazy cat Lady.. Need advice. [Re: PurpleHaz]
    #25932711 -

With some of these people who are really obsessed with cats, there may never really be a point where they stop and think "wow, this is already way too many cats and I shouldn't add any more." My uncle's ex-wife ran a pet food store and could not say no when people would drop off some unwanted cat. I'd say they had about 50 at their house the one time I visited. My uncle was super allergic too, and had to take a ton of allergy medication.

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Re: Dating a crazy cat Lady.. Need advice. [Re: psi] * 1
    #25932853 -

Eight cats?  I've loved all of my cats, but eight cats is way too many.  Eight cats and a large dog in a small apartment is just fucking insane.  I'll bet that your neighbors aren't too pleased with the smell.


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Re: Dating a crazy cat Lady.. Need advice. [Re: chibiabos]
    #25933340 -

Just bring 5 to the pound.  Deal with the shit later.


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Re: Dating a crazy cat Lady.. Need advice. [Re: MOONisAtruffle]
    #25933711 -

Quote:
MOONisAtruffle said:I wouldnt want to have children with a cat collector but hey thats just me.


I agree with this a lot. This is where my thinking is coming from. She sees how its not working but doesn't dare come to the conclusion that we need to rehome some. I've kina lost so much respect for her throughout this whole thing for the last year, so I think its time to stick it out and rehome the cat that I know I can without upsetting her and get her to move out. Its come to this before, somehow she guilt trips me into letting them all stay.. but I am done. Thanks for the Legitimate responses guys.

She makes me seem like I'm the monster that wants to destroy our 'family' like how the fuck would she handle this if we had HUMAN children? no. . no. . thanks.

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Re: Dating a crazy cat Lady.. Need advice. [Re: Patlal]
    #25933811 -

Patlal said:
Just bring 5 to the pound.  Deal with the shit later.


That will go well :lol:

I would tell your girlfriend that she has waaaay too many cats and its causing an issue with the relationship. Perhaps make a massive Cat Tree so they want to hang out there instead of everywhere.

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Re: Dating a crazy cat Lady.. Need advice. [Re: LogicaL Chaos]
    #25934020 -

LogicaL Chaos said:
Patlal said:
Just bring 5 to the pound.  Deal with the shit later.


That will go well :lol:

I would tell your girlfriend that she has waaaay too many cats and its causing an issue with the relationship. Perhaps make a massive Cat Tree so they want to hang out there instead of everywhere.


Clearly that hasn't worked.

OP needs to be decisive.


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Re: Dating a crazy cat Lady.. Need advice. [Re: PurpleHaz]
    #25934051 -

PurpleHaz said:
Quote:
MOONisAtruffle said:I wouldnt want to have children with a cat collector but hey thats just me.


I agree with this a lot. This is where my thinking is coming from. She sees how its not working but doesn't dare come to the conclusion that we need to rehome some. I've kina lost so much respect for her throughout this whole thing for the last year, so I think its time to stick it out and rehome the cat that I know I can without upsetting her and get her to move out. Its come to this before, somehow she guilt trips me into letting them all stay.. but I am done. Thanks for the Legitimate responses guys.

She makes me seem like I'm the monster that wants to destroy our 'family' like how the fuck would she handle this if we had HUMAN children? no. . no. . thanks.



Yeah get out before you do have human children and are more tied down. This issue probably will be what ends the relationship anyway, why draw it out when she has no real interest in things changing and you know you will be miserable if they don't.

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Re: Dating a crazy cat Lady.. Need advice. [Re: psi] * 1
    #25934137 -

Thanks Patlal and psi..

Yes I need to be decisive.

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Re: Dating a crazy cat Lady.. Need advice. [Re: PurpleHaz] * 2
    #25935594 -

While I agree with the general consensus here, if it were me I'd give her one last opportunity to be a part of the process.  Waiting until she is at work to get rid of her 'family', without letting her know is a shitty thing to do, imo.

Do some legitimate research on cat hoarding, recognize that there is something amiss mentally, and lay down a final, firm ultimatum.
Explain that you care about her and want to help, youre committed to resolving this. This amount of cats isnt healthy physically or mentally, for either of you. For the record, that many in a confined space isn't good for their welfare either, they must be stressed to some degree.

If it were me I would mandate or strongly suggest her seeing a psychologist, especially if she cant give them up on her own. Get her speaking to a professional and move on to phase two: Deliberate together what the max amount of cats should be, personally I could only handle 2- and see about rehoming to a family member or sanctuary for the others, so she can visit/keep tabs on them.

Most importantly, you need to stay true to whatever you tell her so she doesnt have the chance to manipulate. Depending on your tolerance, be prepared to leave if she cant abide by this. If she can, know it's prob one of the hardest things she'll ever do and encourage/support each step of the way.

Both of your feelings are equally valid. This is an opportunity to either grow or be ripped apart, but let her have a say in it.. relationships are a two way street.


--------------------

From all I may be, or have been before,
To mingle with the Universe, and feel
What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.

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Re: Dating a crazy cat Lady.. Need advice. [Re: birdeatingspider]
    #25935671 -

No need to get rid of the cats in a way that antagonizes her unnecessarily, but I think you have to ask if the relationship is worth saving. They are both just a bit past high school age. Chances are it's not destined to be very long relationship anyway, and this is a pretty major personality clash. He would be happier with someone who does not have this obsession, and she would probably be happier with someone who shares it.

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Re: Dating a crazy cat Lady.. Need advice. [Re: psi]
    #25936625 -

She may just need professional help in order to get past it.  Obsessions arent healthy, hoarders arent happy

Regardless, I hope it works out favorably, OP


--------------------

From all I may be, or have been before,
To mingle with the Universe, and feel
What I can ne’er express, yet cannot all conceal.

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Re: Dating a crazy cat Lady.. Need advice. [Re: birdeatingspider] * 2
    #25936738 -

The better question is why the fuck did you let her bring home 10 cats and 2 dogs to begin with... wtf... in a 2 br apartment? Fuck that

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Re: Dating a crazy cat Lady.. Need advice. [Re: Uzziel]
    #25936804 -

I have to ask...do they all have names ? I am most definitely not a cat person. But I feel ya OP. My girlfriend spent 700$ on a GODDAMN parrot. Sometimes while its screaming WHHHHHAAAAATTTTT WWHHHHAATTT WHHHHAAATTT over and over again I have to ponder what deep fried parrot would taste like. Hey bring your cats here and Ill open the cage. Smh.

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Re: Dating a crazy cat Lady.. Need advice. [Re: StillSong] * 3
    #25936905 -

Anyone that said she needs professional help is correct.

Animal hoarding is a coping mechanism typically.  They are seeking the love they never felt before from somewhere, she is probably suffering from CPTSD and has child abuse she needs to work through.

Two options; stay and pray she gets the help she needs or leave and pray she gets the help she needs.

Ain't gonna be easy either way.  But you gotta do what is best for the animals too.  Don't be her enabler if they suffer.

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Re: Dating a crazy cat Lady.. Need advice. [Re: Jewstress] * 2
    #25938354 -

I can`t express how much your responses are appreciated.

Not planning on getting rid of her cats behind her back. I`ve claimed it while in a heated argument but its just because of how long this has gone on.

I obviously didn`t let her get all these animals at once.
She gradually took in more and built a bond that I couldn`t break.

I
Quote:
Jewstress said:she is probably suffering from CPTSD and has child abuse she needs to work through.


You are correct here..
I feel bad because I knew it all along but I just figured I`d put up with it for her sake. They obviously make her so happy but Its definitely not realistic thinking if I`m just gonna turn sour in the process.
Thanks again everyone, sorry about this story. I am embarrassed.
I don`t have any friends, so I thought the intellectuals on the Shroomery would jump in.

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Re: Dating a crazy cat Lady.. Need advice. [Re: PurpleHaz] * 1
    #25938388 -

You're doing the right thing brother, and I'm really glad you came here to seek advice and talk this out. It's a really difficult situation and my heart goes out to you.

Personally, I think Jewstress has it spot on. She'll either work with you to get the help she needs or she won't, and you'll have to make your decision about whether you stick around depending on if she's willing to put the work in.

Cause at the moment, from the way you talk about it, it sounds like this situation is causing you too much harm to allow it to continue.


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe

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Re: Dating a crazy cat Lady.. Need advice. [Re: PurpleHaz]
    #25939197 -

:heart:

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Re: Dating a crazy cat Lady.. Need advice. [Re: PurpleHaz]
    #25939206 -

U dont have to be embarassed. Theres much worst things to be embarassed about. Sounds like u have a plan thou, which is good.

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Re: Dating a crazy cat Lady.. Need advice. [Re: PurpleHaz] * 1
    #25939530 -

PurpleHaz said:
I can`t express how much your responses are appreciated.

Not planning on getting rid of her cats behind her back. I`ve claimed it while in a heated argument but its just because of how long this has gone on.

I obviously didn`t let her get all these animals at once.
She gradually took in more and built a bond that I couldn`t break.

I
Quote:
Jewstress said:she is probably suffering from CPTSD and has child abuse she needs to work through.


You are correct here..
I feel bad because I knew it all along but I just figured I`d put up with it for her sake. They obviously make her so happy but Its definitely not realistic thinking if I`m just gonna turn sour in the process.
Thanks again everyone, sorry about this story. I am embarrassed.
I don`t have any friends, so I thought the intellectuals on the Shroomery would jump in.



Don't apologize, you're seeking assistance on something way deeper than most can handle.

I only recognize the signs and symptoms because I have a Bachelors of Social Work and worked for 6+ years with children in emotional support classrooms.  I know how far the rabbit hole will go for your girlfriend if she doesn't start addressing the CPTSD and root issues now.

She is seeking a love she never felt she had through her cats, this could get dangerous quick.

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Re: Dating a crazy cat Lady.. Need advice. [Re: Jewstress] * 3
    #25940159 -

So an update...
I've told her she has one month to move out.

She doesn't feel like having a civil conversation about her problem with the cats. Won't even admit it is a ridiculous number.
She constantly claims "I love my cats!! Even if I did talk to someone about my issues in the past, I wouldn't suddenly get rid of my animals."

I told her "You've been dragging me through this and the cats pretty much run the household. You know the problems they've been causing but ignore it.
I want no more than 5 cats if you want to stay. I care about you still, but you don't even want to work it out or admit how ridiculous this has been."

She says "why can't you meet me in the middle? Even if I get rid of my cats you won't love me still.."
(Meanwhile, 'in the middle' technically would be 5. We used to have 10)
I told her "then why have I been with you so long? Why have I been putting up with it and trying to work it out? Why did I let you move back in after you went to your parents? Its after all this fighting and no give on your stance of our animals, you've made me lose respect for you."

(I got her out at one point for a week, she said it was hell back at her parents place. She brought all her cats that time and I thought it was like a breath of fresh air! But apparently shes gonna have to rehome them even if she goes to her parents because they aren't taking that many in again..)

I've been trying to be sensitive to the situation but she doesn't give a fuck about 'us' as much as the animals. I've seen her feed the animals waaaaay more than she's prepared dinner or food in general for us.

Either way, I'm done with it and I don't even feel sad. Sort of relieved.
I'm only gonna be really upset if she doesn't let me keep the doggo.

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Re: Dating a crazy cat Lady.. Need advice. [Re: PurpleHaz]
    #25940207 -

You're still gonna find cat hair 3 years down the road.


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Re: Dating a crazy cat Lady.. Need advice. [Re: Patlal]
    #25940319 -

Yall are getting a dogvorce soon. I feel ya though OP. I kinda have a similar situation going on here with polly wanna cracker. She will find homes for them and move back in if she respects the relationship you guys have.My girlfriend feels the need to care for animals too and it costs us alot to take care of them and they keep me up at night as well. Best of luck to you sir.

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