MarkostheGnostic said:

Thanks for reaching out Raven Gnosis, and sorry for your feelings of loss. Ice and I were frienemies, not because I did not want to be friends but because his own issues prevented the intimacy of friendship. I have no desire to speak ill of him. I was frustrated that he was unable to love himself and by extension, life. He needed therapy but was too egoic to seek it out. Eleven months after Jokeshopbeard and CosmicJoke surprise-visited Icelander, CosmicJoke died, not by suicide as far as I can ascertain. I was expecting a visit from CJ this past winter.

We are all here for a brief period and we never know for how long unless we end it. Ice and I spoke a few times on the phone, most of my communications were on The Shroomery PM medium. He wrote some of us including me on the day he chose to die. I should feel honored but I just feel sad. Ice and I were the same age, we had explored similar things in the 1970s, but his pain predated the '70s. I wish he had gone into therapy long ago, but to him that just sounded cliché or condescending. It was not, it may well have given him cause to endure til an age where he ceased to matter to others. Obviously, his decision was premature.

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redgreenvines said:

I have no idea how a "peace" - such as what you discovered - can be false.
Peace, tranquility, calm, equanimity are all terms for transient modalities that we can enter intentionally.
The integrative potential of "peace" is of real vale, but compulsive arguments and or a cynical attitude may undermine "calm", or attack the confidence and concentration required to achieve and maintain that 'peace'.

adding the term "real" to something like this introduces specific validating form such as the form of peace, or  stylistics such as the specific style of peace,
and these attributes effectively try to draw the line between "Us and Them" which is a distraction from your interest and a poor replacement for what you are interested in.

For example, a person who is practicing meditation may be observed occasionally to twitch, and another person may criticize his "calm" as not "real calm" because we saw a twitch. However this mediator may be reaching profound tranquility in stages and twitching between re-establishing their focus. 
Real peace is not determined by temporal constancy that lasts longer than 12 seconds, or 12 minutes, or 12 hours - it could flower and bust in 1 second, and that second could be an eternity (although you can chart progress with increased constancy).

If I had a single complaint about Icelander, it would be that he seemed to cultivate "Us and Them" stylistics more than he was interested in harmony - though I am no mind reader - it just seemed so to me.

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I appreciate your response RGV and agree with what you’re saying in regards to peace fully.

I was quite strained emotionally while writing what I did, and consequentially did not, and did not feel the need or desire, to communicate what I was referring to as concisely and clearly as I could have.

What I am actually referring to is neither peace, nor something that can be false.

To grossly over simplify what I meant by what I said:

I more so wanted to share with him the solution(s) I’ve forged and found to things that haunted he and I, and to consider any challenges he may have had to them and their logic. Because of the uncanny closeness in what, and more importantly, how we experienced them, I trust he would be honest , as he always has with me, so I value his outlook tremendously in specific things and know that whatever criticisms he may have had, that I’d be stoking the fire of his soul by presenting him with the figurative salve I had made, and that he’d only help make me and what I’ve discovered stronger, to further fortify the recipe and consequent efficacy of my remedies.

If he’d of rejected it, it would have been in the way of a stubborn old cowboy set in his ways who shows his appreciation in warm, brotherly grit.

MarkostheGnostic said:

This is a lengthy thread, but Huehuecoyotl was privy to the details surrounding Icelander's death. He was also tasked by Icelander to dispose of his ashes (Hue included a picture of doing so). He saved up pain medication and took a fatal overdose.

You've never watched Bladerunner?!! We rarely go out to the movies but we went to see Bladerunner 2049! I recommend both!  That Rutger Hauer character as Roy Batty the android is classic. I used to remember the whole monologue by heart, mostly still do. It speaks to me as well in some respects but not in a potential but intentionally thwarted immortality as with Roy.

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I missed that somehow, I messaged Huehuecoyotl before I'd found the footing to read most the thread without having to walk away, but even then found it hard to not get caught in the current of what was happening internally in response. There is a relief for me there that it was on his own terms, though I do still hope it was done in warmth and peace and that there is no hallowed crime for his decision. I really do appreciate you pointing that post out to me.

I've been tasked with doing the same thing before, it's heavy but an honor, and I see beauty in the manner in which it unfolded for him, it makes me smile reading it.

I definitely intend to watch blade runner, in my mind I had it confused with The Running Man
My lady suggested watching them both with me, as she artistically enjoys the atmospheres, textures and aesthetics of cyberpunk when done good.

That is such a damn good monologue...

redgreenvines said:

that's true, and
the regret of not reaching out to him is real, who knows.

sometimes the contact itself is the whole message, even if it is full of grumpiness and anger, it is still a connection.

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Raven Gnosis said:

I was hoping to share with him peace I’d found in things that troubled us both, things we sought solutions for

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