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Anonymous #1

Partner doesn't remember sex, Accusing rape
    #25880437 - 03/17/19 05:55 PM (1 month, 6 days ago)

This sucks, a friend of mine who was staying with me for a few months is now accusing me of sexually assaulting her. It hasn't gotten legal yet, but I wanted to get some second opinions on the situation before it might.

She was getting kicked out of her ex-bf's and needed a place last minute. I told her we could share the bed platonically and she could pay to rent some of the storage space. The first night that she moved in and stayed over, she was emotionally distraught and wanting to drown it with alcohol and brownies and her benzos probably. She had no responsibilities and the place was hers now so I let her do what she wanted and left for work at 3am. I came home late morning to find her fucked up in the kitchen eating all my food. At the time, I had no idea what she was on or what state she was in mentally. A day later I found out she had "sleep-walked" to the fridge and eaten the entire pan of pot brownies that I let her have two of the night before.

In the moment though, she was a little incoherent and leaning all over, eventually leaning into me. I was just trying to hold her up out of concern for her falling down, but after holding her for 5+ minutes we started slowly hugging, groping, making out. One thing led to another and she's pulling my underwear down, pulling on my dick. I feel her getting wet and lift her to carry her to the bed, she wraps her legs around me. I laid her on the bed and asked if we need a condom, she says no - she has an IUD. We had sex, then I can't remember what we did after that. Just went back to hanging out I guess.

Next day when she was more sober I asked her questions about the day before and that's when she told me she didn't even remember getting up in the middle of the night to eat from the fridge. It became clear that she didn't remember any of the previous day or our sexual interaction. With her touchy emotional state, I decided it'd be best to just leave that part out and pretend like it never happened.

Well it's been months now and she has moved on to another place and we've still been friends and co-workers. Recently when we were hanging out she brought up the security cameras in my place and asked whether I ever watch them after sex. I asked her if she'd like to see a video of herself, and told her about the first day she was over. I felt like it was a good time to tell her, but I guess I was wrong because now she believes the worst of me. She called me today admitting that the past couple weeks of awkwardness since telling her have actually been disgust and rage. She holds me responsible for that night, saying I knew how fucked up she was and took advantage of her when I was supposed to be her friend.

I don't know how to feel about this. I feel some shame and guilt for my part in this, but at the time I truly didn't realize she was blackout. Can I be held responsible for that? She says she asked me for drugs and I gave them to her so I should have known or something. Sounds like she's really trying hard to blame me and it's kind of scary to think about how much even an accusation like that can affect someone's life.


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InvisibleMr. Bojangles
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Re: Partner doesn't remember sex, Accusing rape [Re: Anonymous #1] * 5
    #25880507 - 03/17/19 06:34 PM (1 month, 6 days ago)

If you have to hold someone up, you should not be having sex with them.  I can see why she feels the way she does and you should too.  Let this be a lesson that you should not be engaging in sexual activities when someone is that inebriated.  I know it sounds harsh but you must understand this.

I don't really have much other advice other than to not be defensive about this and admit to her that you did something wrong.


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"It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong."

Francois-Marie Arouet


Edited by Mr. Bojangles (03/17/19 06:35 PM)


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Anonymous #2

Re: Partner doesn't remember sex, Accusing rape [Re: Mr. Bojangles]
    #25881491 - 03/18/19 10:00 AM (1 month, 6 days ago)

Quote:

Mr. Bojangles said:
If you have to hold someone up, you should not be having sex with them.  I can see why she feels the way she does and you should too.  Let this be a lesson that you should not be engaging in sexual activities when someone is that inebriated.  I know it sounds harsh but you must understand this.

I don't really have much other advice other than to not be defensive about this and admit to her that you did something wrong.



yep,
I would've done the same as you probably but he's right.
don't get defensive. explain to her that you still value her friendship and that you understand you fucked up.
good luck


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OfflineTempestDnB
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Re: Partner doesn't remember sex, Accusing rape [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #25881546 - 03/18/19 10:53 AM (1 month, 6 days ago)

I personally think she was in the wrong here. She got too fucked up and acted promiscuous, can't remember it, and now it's your fault. If it's in the moment and you don't the know that they're in blackout mode, and the initiate it by tugging on your dick, you have sex with them, that makes you a rapist? I've had sex with people when I was too fucked up and regretted it afterwards. Did they rape me?


--------------------

“How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each pray’r accepted, and each wish resign’d”


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Anonymous #1

Re: Partner doesn't remember sex, Accusing rape [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #25881561 - 03/18/19 11:02 AM (1 month, 6 days ago)

Quote:

Mr. Bojangles said:
If you have to hold someone up, you should not be having sex with them.  I can see why she feels the way she does and you should too.  Let this be a lesson that you should not be engaging in sexual activities when someone is that inebriated.  I know it sounds harsh but you must understand this.

I don't really have much other advice other than to not be defensive about this and admit to her that you did something wrong.



Understood...

I was sitting for her all day and didn't have any intentions to do anything with her until that moment in the kitchen when she was grabbing me and whispering in my ear. She said "I've been waiting for this for so long" which led me to believe she knew who I was and what was about to happen and was consenting to keep going... Yea she was kind of sloppily leaning on me but compared to the rest of the day it seemed to be a moment of lucidity.

I'm willing to admit that I made a mistake in that moment and shouldn't have engaged in anything. But it's not like I planned for that to happen or was waiting for my moment or had any intention to do something she wasn't okay with or wouldn't remember. I would never intentionally hurt anyone so it's really sad to be hated by a previous friend.

Thanks for the advice. She's blocked me on facebook and hung up at the end of our conversation yesterday so I get the feeling that she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I apologized many times over the phone but wish it wasn't left on this negative note. At this point I don't think even texting her a sort of apology and offering to talk about it again would be received well. That's the offer I want to make, but if she's that disgusted with me I don't want to press her emotions any more.

Part of me is terrified if she were to take it to the authorities. I can understand her not trusting me anymore since it took so long to tell her. But I kind of don't understand why she is so upset when there wasn't a pregnancy, STI, or any negative consequence from the experience. And we've been friends so I thought she'd understand I would never intentionally hurt her. If I hadn't told her at all it would have been like it never happened. But if she were to sue me or something, that would have a literal and long lasting impact on me. It's scary and frustrating.


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Anonymous #3

Re: Partner doesn't remember sex, Accusing rape [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #25882524 - 03/18/19 09:06 PM (1 month, 5 days ago)

You didn't rape her, but if you apologize on the phone or with text message, she can show it to the police and rape charges will be filed against you.

This will be solid evidence for a rape conviction and you might be looking at a 20 year prison sentence.

Did you admit to anything on the phone?  Did she record it?  Did someone else hear you say something to her?

You're playing a very dangerous game here, do not apologize for something you didn't do. It's only your life and freedom on the line here. They don't treat convicted rapists very well in prison.


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Invisibletyrannicalrex
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Re: Partner doesn't remember sex, Accusing rape [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #25883531 - 03/19/19 02:27 PM (1 month, 5 days ago)

What a stupid fucking cunt! I swear people like that are manipulative evil assholes. Stay clear of her and never talk to her again.


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InvisibleSARAtonin
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Re: Partner doesn't remember sex, Accusing rape [Re: tyrannicalrex] * 2
    #25888289 - 03/21/19 04:35 PM (1 month, 2 days ago)

Fucking Christ OP,
If someone can’t stand up on their own, they can’t consent to sex, period, end of start, I don’t give a fuck what happened before or after. you should have learned this 1000 times in Sex Ed. I find it highly concerning this has to be said at all.


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Invisibletyrannicalrex
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Re: Partner doesn't remember sex, Accusing rape [Re: SARAtonin]
    #25888307 - 03/21/19 04:45 PM (1 month, 2 days ago)

Plus 10000


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InvisibleAmanita86
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Re: Partner doesn't remember sex, Accusing rape [Re: tyrannicalrex] * 1
    #25888706 - 03/21/19 07:52 PM (1 month, 2 days ago)

Dudes, :burke:

...it’s easier to make a human than it is for the majority of these retards than it is to bake a cake.  I blame both of them, they both acted like non brain having fucktards..  both of them should be punished if either of them are.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Partner doesn't remember sex, Accusing rape [Re: SARAtonin] * 1
    #25888743 - 03/21/19 08:08 PM (1 month, 2 days ago)

Quote:

SARAtonin said:
Fucking Christ OP,
If someone can’t stand up on their own, they can’t consent to sex, period, end of start, I don’t give a fuck what happened before or after. you should have learned this 1000 times in Sex Ed. I find it highly concerning this has to be said at all.



Agreed. But I rewatched the vid and I'm not concerned anymore. By then she was actually walking around on her own just fine and initiated the hug and never let go of me. She didn't communicate that she'd taken anything since the night before and I had no idea she was apparently blackout-high. I was super careful not to engage her all day and throughout the long embrace. Even after her hugging, kissing and grabbing my dick, I still wasn't sure until she said she'd been waiting, then I felt quite sure she was consciously consenting. I don't really see the issue besides her amnesia creating an awkward confusion the next day and becoming suspicious for no reason after telling her.


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OfflineJacksonMetaller
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Re: Partner doesn't remember sex, Accusing rape [Re: Anonymous #1] * 3
    #25889059 - 03/21/19 10:27 PM (1 month, 2 days ago)

You can show her this post if you want... I can't say how much fault you had as only you were there to determine how intoxicated she looked. Generally I don't suggest hooking up with someone intoxicated unless you have really clear signals as miscommunication is easy and ultimately your head is on the chopping block. BUT what I can say is that people on benzos can appear WAY less fucked up than they actually are and she needs to understand this.

My wife has PTSD from rape. I don't fuck around with that. If she's not showing very very clear desire to have sex I don't even try. In fact it's such a problem our marriage has pretty much been sexless with few exceptions for around 6 years. Anyhow, we've been in therapy for it and one day a few months ago she's doing whippets back to back to back to back and acting kind of goofy and horny and wants me to fuck her. I'm thinking she's just horny from the whippets and improving from the therapy. So we have some awesome sex, she seems very present and in to it. I couldn't in a million years have guessed how fucked up she actually was (I didn't know she took any benzos for the record).

Next morning she was like "we had sex...? Ohhh I kind of remember something like that maybe. I was blacked out on benzos. I didn't even know I went through all those whippet boxes". I wanted to fucking vomit because I was so goddamn intentional about not putting myself or her in that position I straight up told her never to have sex with me on benzos again. Fortunately she was working on it in therapy and had a general sense that she wanted to have sex with me at some point. But that could have easily gone wrong since she couldn't even remember consenting and I just thought she was a little buzzed from the whippets and not really "impaired" in any sense. I am generally very sympathetic to the sexual assault problem more so than I am to the guys worried about false accusations. That said, this experience changed my mind a little bit. Benzos are just really dangerous when it comes to decision making and memory of that decision making and it is not always obvious a person is anywhere near as fucked up as they are. Especially if you're in a dim lit bedroom or something of that nature. By contrast it's really fucking obvious when someone is drunk off their ass.

Now you said she was a "little" incoherent? You were "holding her" to keep her from falling? None of that really looks good for you. But again, I can understand we don't always perceive people as being as intoxicated as they may be. You just have to be honest with yourself there whether you were taking advantage of a situation or not. But both of you need to understand the ramifications of benzo blackouts. It puts her in a compromising position of being potentially traumatized even by her own act of consent, and it puts you in a compromising position legally and morally. This is less about "who's fault" and more about both of you learning from the dangerous positions you each put yourself in.

Edit: dont know if this would be helpful or not, but could you mention knowing about the IUD? Seems like something you wouldnt know about unless offered that information in the moment of consent


Edited by JacksonMetaller (03/21/19 11:05 PM)


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Anonymous #1

Re: Partner doesn't remember sex, Accusing rape [Re: JacksonMetaller]
    #25889200 - 03/21/19 11:57 PM (1 month, 2 days ago)

Quote:

JacksonMetaller said:Edit: dont know if this would be helpful or not, but could you mention knowing about the IUD? Seems like something you wouldnt know about unless offered that information in the moment of consent




Thank you for sharing your experience. Benzos really are awful. She has been raped and sexually abused and had a difficult childhood from what she's told me. It's definitely a sensitive subject for her. She told me once that she's never actually had sex sober, she always needs to be drunk or something to enjoy it, which isn't often. But she does get wasted daily on whatever she can apparently. That's partially why it was hard to judge her mental state; though she was acting a little off, mumbled speech and wobbly steps is kind of her norm.

On the call she wailed about the probability that I didn't use a condom and I did bring up that I asked her and she told me she had an IUD. That actually is what changed the subject, she sounded kind of frustrated and moved on to describing a different night that she felt uncomfortable to justify her feelings.


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OfflineJacksonMetaller
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Re: Partner doesn't remember sex, Accusing rape [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #25889451 - 03/22/19 05:50 AM (1 month, 2 days ago)

Yeah she sounds a lot like my wife. Thats a tough one. Following her rape she had a string of experiences where she was really fucked up and had flashes of having sex with people she didnt remember consenting to. For a long time she seemed frustrated about not knowing whether to call it assault or not. I think its pretty common for people with those experiences to go through that from what i understand.

I dont know man. Sexual assault comes with a lot of baggage. You really have to tread carefully if you know someone had that kind of background. For a lot of them sex cant just be light hearted like it is for most of us.


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Anonymous #4

Re: Partner doesn't remember sex, Accusing rape [Re: Anonymous #3]
    #25893273 - 03/24/19 08:23 AM (1 month, 6 hours ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #3 said:
You didn't rape her, but if you apologize on the phone or with text message, she can show it to the police and rape charges will be filed against you.

This will be solid evidence for a rape conviction and you might be looking at a 20 year prison sentence.

Did you admit to anything on the phone?  Did she record it?  Did someone else hear you say something to her?

You're playing a very dangerous game here, do not apologize for something you didn't do. It's only your life and freedom on the line here. They don't treat convicted rapists very well in prison.




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OfflineTempestDnB
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Re: Partner doesn't remember sex, Accusing rape [Re: JacksonMetaller]
    #25893277 - 03/24/19 08:26 AM (1 month, 6 hours ago)

Quote:

JacksonMetaller said:
Yeah she sounds a lot like my wife. Thats a tough one. Following her rape she had a string of experiences where she was really fucked up and had flashes of having sex with people she didnt remember consenting to. For a long time she seemed frustrated about not knowing whether to call it assault or not. I think its pretty common for people with those experiences to go through that from what i understand.

I dont know man. Sexual assault comes with a lot of baggage. You really have to tread carefully if you know someone had that kind of background. For a lot of them sex cant just be light hearted like it is for most of us.



Even when sex is light-hearted.. it's not light-hearted. For me at least. I can't make it not seem like serious business, sex can fuck people up in the head. Idk, I feel like it's psychopaths who have sex light-heartedly, like not killers, maybe I mean sociopaths. Narcissistic fucks. Which probably means I'm just fucked up in the head if I see it that way.


--------------------

“How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each pray’r accepted, and each wish resign’d”


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OfflineJacksonMetaller
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Re: Partner doesn't remember sex, Accusing rape [Re: TempestDnB]
    #25893622 - 03/24/19 12:43 PM (1 month, 1 hour ago)

Quote:

TempestDnB said:
Quote:

JacksonMetaller said:
Yeah she sounds a lot like my wife. Thats a tough one. Following her rape she had a string of experiences where she was really fucked up and had flashes of having sex with people she didnt remember consenting to. For a long time she seemed frustrated about not knowing whether to call it assault or not. I think its pretty common for people with those experiences to go through that from what i understand.

I dont know man. Sexual assault comes with a lot of baggage. You really have to tread carefully if you know someone had that kind of background. For a lot of them sex cant just be light hearted like it is for most of us.



Even when sex is light-hearted.. it's not light-hearted. For me at least. I can't make it not seem like serious business, sex can fuck people up in the head. Idk, I feel like it's psychopaths who have sex light-heartedly, like not killers, maybe I mean sociopaths. Narcissistic fucks. Which probably means I'm just fucked up in the head if I see it that way.




Lol I know what you mean. But also, I think you know what I mean. Sex is emotional, and attachment is hard to avoid. But what I'm saying is I'm not going to be traumatized if I accidentally have sex with a friend the way someone with PTSD might. Even having sex with my own wife has become such a big ordeal it's incomprehensible for someone who doesn't have that experience.


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Anonymous #5

Re: Partner doesn't remember sex, Accusing rape [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #25898386 - 03/26/19 06:10 PM (28 days, 20 hours ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #4 said:
Quote:

Anonymous #3 said:
You didn't rape her, but if you apologize on the phone or with text message, she can show it to the police and rape charges will be filed against you.

This will be solid evidence for a rape conviction and you might be looking at a 20 year prison sentence.

Did you admit to anything on the phone?  Did she record it?  Did someone else hear you say something to her?

You're playing a very dangerous game here, do not apologize for something you didn't do. It's only your life and freedom on the line here. They don't treat convicted rapists very well in prison.







Also I have apparently been raped hundreds of times because I got so drunk I had to lean into the broads.


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Anonymous #6

Re: Partner doesn't remember sex, Accusing rape [Re: Anonymous #3]
    #25935498 - 04/15/19 08:46 AM (9 days, 5 hours ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #3 said:
You didn't rape her, but if you apologize on the phone or with text message, she can show it to the police and rape charges will be filed against you.

This will be solid evidence for a rape conviction and you might be looking at a 20 year prison sentence.

Did you admit to anything on the phone?  Did she record it?  Did someone else hear you say something to her?

You're playing a very dangerous game here, do not apologize for something you didn't do. It's only your life and freedom on the line here. They don't treat convicted rapists very well in prison.




This right here. Unless you wanna be a sex offender for the rest of your life u better heed this advice.

I agree with a couple of other things said here like let this be a lesson learned. I’ve been to drug parties where everyone fucked up and fucking happens or ppl go home with ppl and shit happens. Same can be said when your being a friend and emotions are flying like that. It’s common to seek comfort or pleasure.

As long as you didn’t dose the bitch that’s not your issue. Be sorry cause yea whole situation is fucked and you shoulda thought better. But don’t let anyone make you feel so sorry you incriminate yourself for something that someone else laid on you and you ain’t really do.


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OfflineHippiebait
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Re: Partner doesn't remember sex, Accusing rape [Re: Anonymous #6]
    #25935503 - 04/15/19 08:57 AM (9 days, 5 hours ago)

I didn’t read all the comments but I deff wouldn’t worry after all u do have video. Unless it looks like rape on video. And in that case shame on u!!!!! Next time though, if she don’t remember don’t tell her because your gonna be the bad guy every time because she did something she’s ashamed of. Your only responsible for your own actions dude. Not hers!!


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