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 Blackbird33
Stranger
Registered: 12/31/11
Posts: 761
Last seen: 10 months, 9 days
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 The hardest part of break-ups is the lack of closure 
#25879522 - 03/17/19 07:55 AM (5 years, 1 month ago) |
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This obviously only applies if you were the one rejected. But I find oftentimes that when you are dumped it’s usually a vague reason or no reason at all. One minute things are going fine and the next you begin to notice this distance. Until finally it culminates in them saying some variation of I don’t want to be with you anymore. Now from this point it’s a guessing game of have they found someone else, did i you do something(s) to push them away, have they found someone else, the reasons could go on for eons. Unfortunately most of the time you never receive that closure someone is there one day and gone the next and you don’t really know why.
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 Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student
Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system 
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Re: The hardest part of break-ups is the lack of closure [Re: Blackbird33]
#25879889 - 03/17/19 11:36 AM (5 years, 1 month ago) |
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I can empathise with this a lot. My ex-wife, the woman who took vows with me that 'till death do us part' became a raging alcoholic (she was BPD and had a lot of mental health issues), tried to kill herself a bunch of times, and then ended up in rehab, only to completely cut me off five months in, leaving me with 0 closure.
My therapist often said to me 'it would be easier if she had actually died' - for then at least I would have had some closure. Alas, it took me four years of existential sufferings and wailings of my heart and soul to finally find it in/for myself.
Learning to provide closure for oneself when one loses anything important in this life is a fine skill, and one worth honing, for loss, in this life, is inevitable.
Keep working on it; it'll do you well. For do the Buddhists not say that 'all suffering is due to attachment'?
Learn to 'let go' and all will be well. Good luck brother.
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Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe
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Society
Mmmm... pizza
Registered: 07/03/04
Posts: 14,303
Loc:
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Re: The hardest part of break-ups is the lack of closure [Re: Blackbird33] 2
#25880423 - 03/17/19 03:47 PM (5 years, 1 month ago) |
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Quote:
Blackbird33 said:
This obviously only applies if you were the one rejected. But I find oftentimes that when you are dumped it’s usually a vague reason or no reason at all. One minute things are going fine and the next you begin to notice this distance. Until finally it culminates in them saying some variation of I don’t want to be with you anymore.
In this culture, we're basically trained from birth that monogamous relationship are intended to be forever unless there is some climactic impetus that spurs an end- like cheating or abuse.
Fact of the matter- not wanting to be with someone is reason enough to break-up. It's really that simple.
I think often this confuses even the person who is breaking it off. Their journey in life is such that they need a new emotional/social environment to thrive in. I see this as a very positive thing because it means they have the courage to make a difficult decision to pursue their own happiness. Relationships can go on for years or decades in a withered state because the fear of lonesomeness and/or the sense of contractual obligation outweighs the courage needed to make necessary personal changes.
Unfortunately for you, the lack of concreteness can leave you in a state of perpetual confusion and doubt. The best you can do is have a glass of water, go to bed, and wake up to fight another day. You'll never be the same person ever again... closure equals time plus personal growth.
This probably seems lame, but there are some ideas in this wiki how worth a look:
https://www.wikihow.com/Get-Closure
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Delicious Pizza
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RJ Tubs 202
Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 6,175
Loc: USA
Last seen: 5 days, 16 hours
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Re: The hardest part of break-ups is the lack of closure [Re: Blackbird33] 5
#25886991 - 03/20/19 11:39 PM (5 years, 28 days ago) |
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Quote:
Blackbird33 said:
This obviously only applies if you were the one rejected. But I find oftentimes that when you are dumped it’s usually a vague reason or no reason at all.
We tend to take a partner's decision to end an intimate relationship personally - we think their decision is all about us, and how we have fallen short and are not good enough. That we call it "dumped" reveals our overblown ego. Can we honor their decision without beating ourselves? Can we love them for following their heart and doing what they think is best for their life?
We tend to view partners as possessions - something that belongs to us. We "have" a girlfriend or we "have" a husband. Not only do we want exclusive sexual rights, but many people desire exclusive emotional rights. Outside emotional relationships are seen as "emotional cheating". In some early societies, possessiveness of a partner brought tribal shame to the person.
If we really love someone - truly - we would honor a decision to leave the relationship. Resentment is not honor. "If You Love Me, Let Me Go". True love is not possessive. Possessiveness is dependency. It's ego. We did not lose them because we never had them in the first place. . . Take care. I know this is hard. But there's much to learn from it.
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Blackbird33
Stranger
Registered: 12/31/11
Posts: 761
Last seen: 10 months, 9 days
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Re: The hardest part of break-ups is the lack of closure [Re: RJ Tubs 202]
#25887287 - 03/21/19 06:52 AM (5 years, 27 days ago) |
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I think you guys are misinterpreting my point. If you’re seeing someone, in a relationship, having sex with them, or whatever the case ending things isn’t objectively what I take issue with is about someone being your life one day then icing you out with no explaination. If I’m dating someone and they end things for whatever reason after that it’s on me to figure out how I want to cope. Maybe I will feel relieved, maybe I’ll be hurt, but at the end of the day I’ve received the closure. There’s no need for awkarard exchanges, ambiguity. No I’m not talking about some exchange with a person you exhancgrd a few messages on a dating app or social media. But in a relationships whether they are friendships, lovers, gf/bf I don’t think it’s unreasonable to say hey I no longer what to continue things.
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Jokeshopbeard
Humble Student
Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system
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Re: The hardest part of break-ups is the lack of closure [Re: Blackbird33]
#25888461 - 03/21/19 03:56 PM (5 years, 27 days ago) |
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I think you're talking about first stage rejection, in that case. Often referred to as 'ghosting' in the modern world.
If so, seeing that it's only your ego that's being hurt should help. It's a fact of life but our ego doesn't like a lot of those.
Rejection is something we all experience, but realistically, this has to be the case. You can't expect everyone to like you.
Learn from it, by learning how to deal with it and accepting it will always happen sometimes if you're making lots of approaches, and you will feel better about it.
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Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe
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Masked
The Nutter
Registered: 11/26/12
Posts: 8,979
Loc: Canada 
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Re: The hardest part of break-ups is the lack of closure [Re: RJ Tubs 202] 2
#25889345 - 03/22/19 12:08 AM (5 years, 27 days ago) |
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Quote:
RJ Tubs 202 said:
Quote:
Blackbird33 said:
This obviously only applies if you were the one rejected. But I find oftentimes that when you are dumped it’s usually a vague reason or no reason at all.
We tend to take a partner's decision to end an intimate relationship personally - we think their decision is all about us, and how we have fallen short and are not good enough. That we call it "dumped" reveals our overblown ego. Can we honor their decision without beating ourselves? Can we love them for following their heart and doing what they think is best for their life?
We tend to view partners as possessions - something that belongs to us. We "have" a girlfriend or we "have" a husband. Not only do we want exclusive sexual rights, but many people desire exclusive emotional rights. Outside emotional relationships are seen as "emotional cheating". In some early societies, possessiveness of a partner brought tribal shame to the person.
If we really love someone - truly - we would honor a decision to leave the relationship. Resentment is not honor. "If You Love Me, Let Me Go". True love is not possessive. Possessiveness is dependency. It's ego. We did not lose them because we never had them in the first place. . . Take care. I know this is hard. But there's much to learn from it.
This is hard to read but exactly how I'm trying to feel and perceive the sudden exit of my fiance', soulmate and best friend 
Most people claim they want happiness for their loved one. But what most mean is "I want happiness for them...as long as it's with me/because of me".
I'm devastated but truly wishing her the best.
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RJ Tubs 202
Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 6,175
Loc: USA
Last seen: 5 days, 16 hours
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Re: The hardest part of break-ups is the lack of closure [Re: Blackbird33] 2
#25889363 - 03/22/19 12:24 AM (5 years, 27 days ago) |
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Quote:
Blackbird33 said:
... ending things isn’t objectively what I take issue with is about someone being your life one day then icing you out with no explanation.
Can we cope without a tidy explanation that satisfies us? Is there really an explanation that would help us let go and move on. Is it possible an explanation might make us feel worse? Like, "I'm not into you anymore" or "I feel dead in this relationship." A lot of people are just not cut out for long term intimate relationships, and it doesn't really have anything to do with who they are with.
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Tranquil137
Registered: 08/06/12
Posts: 97
Last seen: 4 years, 6 months
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Re: The hardest part of break-ups is the lack of closure [Re: Blackbird33]
#25951653 - 04/23/19 07:52 PM (4 years, 11 months ago) |
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Maybe they just can't handle telling you that they are done, perhaps they are afraid of repercussions, you trying to convince them otherwise, they don't want to get into an argument that could go seriously bad.
Sometimes people decide to just run because they feel its the safest route to take, they might simply not know how you will react or they might know but just cant deal with having to tell you.
A lot of people don't deal with endings too well. Try to see it from their perspective as well. Not having closure is frustrating, this is true, however if you are heavily attached to someone... and that persons knows it, it's sometimes easier and safer to just cut the connection loose in one single swift motion. It sucks either way.
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Blackbird33
Stranger
Registered: 12/31/11
Posts: 761
Last seen: 10 months, 9 days
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Re: The hardest part of break-ups is the lack of closure [Re: Tranquil137]
#25952641 - 04/24/19 11:27 AM (4 years, 11 months ago) |
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I’m learning that all you can do is suck it up and turn the page. The average person isn’t going to give a fuck about you so you’re not worth the effort of even getting an explanation.
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