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Anonymous #1

Lost and empty
    #25862244 - 03/09/19 04:01 AM (12 days, 16 hours ago)

I’m not sure why I’m turning to the Shroomery. I think I need anonymous. I can’t possibly entail everything that’s lead to this, but basically I feel so lost. I am one of those people with an average life I guess, mid class parents, a brother, I love them they love me. However I have to SERIOUSLY  limit what I tell them about. My dad is my worst enemy, super tunnel visioned and against a lot of stuff which ironically I seem to be against or doing things he wouldn’t agree with(god forbid he listens to my side of anything against his small beliefs) My mindset has always been VASTLY different from my family, a good example is right here on the Shroomery growing shrooms. They don’t even agree with weed, wtf. I am 20 years old btw.

I never had a lot of friends. In high school idk if it was my personality or whatever but basically I left grade schools with two friends I still talk to, but even that friendship has shaken. I did one year at university and had a few friends, but it always felt like me against them, and I was picked on a lot for no reason and I can take a joke but FUCK man it gets old after a while and you really start to wonder. So here I am with a couple friends in which I question their intentions. I feel very lonely and isolated. I’m not looking for sympathy, I think a lot of my friendships is partly my fault but I’m actually a really nice person, I try to lead by earths example, but I always feel like I get taken advantage of for that. Which frusturates me because I don’t want to be mean but I’m getting fucking pissed.

Then I have my school/career life. Uhg. I don’t even know where to start. I am a sophomore but took a year off after freshman year. I still don’t really know what I want to do with my life. All I really know is I love the earth and everything natural and just being outside engulfed in this wonderful Earth. Humans are the disease. Anyway, I’m in college but every time I’m in school I end up with the same thought, “I feel like I’m rotting”. I transferred to a bigger university in another state to try to restart a little. But it’s like my energy is blocked and I stay in my room a lot and don’t try to socialize that much I think because all my “friends” have put in my mind this is just how people are and I’m trying to avoid that pain, as it’s really never been anything else. I’ve been waiting to find my group, but I’m starting to believe it doesn’t exist. Whatever

I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’ve been pushed around a lot and I just want to fucking punch everyone I know. I see myself as someone who is more in tune with nature and how we should be working alongside rather than against Mother Nature. This quality tends to make me come off as “weak” I think which really frustrates because I am not and I know I’m not.

I never really planned any suicide or the like, but this world is so dark and I’m so sad because all I want to do is help the planet, have fun, vibe with cool people, but it just never works out. This in turn makes me feel hopeless and painfully empty. I don’t want to express myself because all these fuckers are just too selfish. I feel like I’m going crazy. Like I’m constantly losing and because of that it’s all I know and has become my reality. I am growing shrooms to try and expand my mind more and find out how to rekindle my strength. To take back some control. Idk, I definitely feel a calling to them and am curious, plus they don’t let me down like the people in my life have:(

There is so much more but I don’t want to write a book. Feel free to share your thoughts, do not hold back I welcome criticism and advice of any spice. I’m really confused, I don’t know if my problem with people is me or the people I’ve met. I seriously don’t know what to do, I have so much potential I don’t know what to do with. Sometimes I think my spirit can be too potent. Like it would be way easier to be “normal” and accept mundane. But I simply can’t. My soul doesn’t allow it, it craves more. That more I don’t know how to fill.


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Anonymous #2

Re: Lost and empty [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #25862268 - 03/09/19 04:35 AM (12 days, 16 hours ago)

It will all be alright man or not you're becoming your own man if you want to be a different man than your dad that's okay.  You aren't special sorry.  You don't need to be extra anything just be yourself and you'll eventually see you're just being everyone else.  Regardless every second is so incredibly beautiful it seems like that is what you are trying to connect with.  There are lots of other people with your interests.  My friends sucked at that age too but you will make some good ones eventually.  Being your own man alone but firm in your knowledge and convictions thus far will get you what you want it's not easy but that's the test


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Offlinebeforethedawn
Registered: 06/19/16
Posts: 1,672
Last seen: 1 day, 7 hours
Re: Lost and empty [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #25862295 - 03/09/19 05:19 AM (12 days, 15 hours ago)

You sound SO MUCH like me.

Maybe we don't really like people/socialising that much man, that's who we are.

Maybe we're not the kind of people that really bother adding much materially to our lives, so university seems a bit pointless in the end.

I also love Nature and feel completely different in Nature.

Perhaps you're just a really private person.


--------------------
No longer here

Like the evaporated stars

Still sending light through space-time

Defining why you can't see the Buddha's objects of gaze


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Offlineyeah
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Registered: 02/08/09
Posts: 2,355
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Re: Lost and empty [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #25862501 - 03/09/19 08:31 AM (12 days, 12 hours ago)

Pick up a combat sport.


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Not all those who wander are lost.


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Invisiblecez
Registered: 08/04/09
Posts: 5,751
Re: Lost and empty [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #25862696 - 03/09/19 10:19 AM (12 days, 10 hours ago)

You have a great opportunity being at a university.  If your interests are in nature, take classes that pertain to nature.  You will be with like-minded people and maybe you will make some friends in the process.

People take advantage of the Earth.  You should consider a different role-model for relating with them, or reexamine the qualities of Earth you want to embody.  Friends give each other shit.  Give it back and move on.  Don't take things personally.  If you're going to continue having the Earth be your role-model, note that it doesn't take things personally. 

I think your problem with people is you.  You should consider dropping the idea that "humans are the disease."  People are basically good.  You are fundamentally no different than anyone else.  You see potential in yourself but other people have potential too.


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OfflineDoneKildatReason
Chemical in the body
Male


Registered: 02/25/05
Posts: 588
Loc: Green Country
Last seen: 5 hours, 49 minutes
Re: Lost and empty [Re: cez]
    #25863032 - 03/09/19 01:47 PM (12 days, 6 hours ago)

Hang in there man. 
The path for the truely thoughtful and good is a narrow one.  If indeed you are one on that path, be content with the way .... and also with yourself.
Don't despair for the lack of relatable company.
When you do finally contact them, it will be such a better breath of fresh air. 
Do all the building of yourself and growing that you can right now.  20 years young is an amazing age of beginning. 
In 10 years, at 30, you will find yourself with more beginnings possible, and a helluva different perspective and accumulation of experience under your belt.  And hopefully by then, you'll have found some worthwhile acquaintances.  Can't rush those things, or anything else...., just hold on for the ride brother.  Be yourself, and don't fret over acquaintances .  (:
Also, a possibility - thank your father, for preparing you for adversity.  Every harsh moment in life.... Alone, or with strangers and family alike, is a preparation and a chance to grow.
Again, hang in there!


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This was an experiment.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Lost and empty [Re: DoneKildatReason]
    #25863487 - 03/09/19 05:16 PM (12 days, 3 hours ago)

Very insightful, thank you for the responses. I want to clear something up, I don’t think I’m special or above anyone, just my own weird like everyone else. I’ve always tried to give everyone I meet regardless of your “status” equal respect, the problem I always have is it usually is not returned. However I find it interesting a couple of you have said “I’m like everyone else”. Perhaps I come off like I think I’m better than x and y, which I really don’t believe. But I see how that would turn people off and harm a friendship/relationship, so that’s definitely something to work on.

I also agree that my problem with people is me, but at this point I also think I’ve just met mostly some real shallow people and get so desperate for any friendship I settle which is really unhealthy. And I never know how to judge people anymore because I’ve been wired to not trust anyone.

I know I’m young and have so much time, I guess I just thought I’d be further along and at least have one person I trust and without ill intentions. Idk. I used to love people, meeting them and hearing their story, but I’m starting to no give a fuck.

I am definitely introverted, and a private person. I don’t think I mean to be, when I was younger I used to open up too much and almost everyone I told just acted like I’m making it up or belittled the whole thing. So now, I keep it to myself. And I like that, it’s made me strong mentally and I only really depend on myself. But it’s awfully lonely.

I think it’s been a little of a domino effect, the people around me when I was young weren’t necessarily bad like criminals just crappy crappy personalities. That early on must have done something to my brain and I retreated inwards.

Idk. I want to quit school but think I need some kind of degree, but at least I know I like the Earth and life cycles and how it all comes together to make this spectacular planet. What to do with that I’m not sure yet.

Absolute yes to combat sport! I’ve always wanted to do it, since I can remember. This is kind of what I was saying though I don’t want to do it because I don’t want to end up with bad people again and just end up with the same result. But last time I tripped one takeaway I had was the brain is wicked powerful, and what we think tends to become our reality. So I’m going to have to try and break these thought patterns I’m done feeling this way all the time. It fucking sucks, as I’m sure a lot of you know.


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Anonymous #3

Re: Lost and empty [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #25863522 - 03/09/19 05:31 PM (12 days, 3 hours ago)

You definitely need to be hanging out in some places where you can meet like-minded people, that's for sure. When I was younger my teachers told me that I would meet my "friends for life" at university. Truth is, 12 years later I still have one university friend I hang out with, but I met a bigger circle of like-minded people later on at events where there were lots of people with the same vibe. If you love the Earth and nature (and psychedelics) you need to find some hippies to hang out with. Go to some music festivals. I'm not talking about Coachella or these huge ones, just some smaller/medium-sized events and I bet you there will be tons of people there who love the Earth, love nature and want to talk about it all day long. Whilst it's true that we are all equal and no one is better than anyone else, so many people are hopelessly engrained in society, brainwashed. If you are someone who has managed to take a step back from that (and it sounds like you have) then of course a lot of people are going to seem shallow. So, go places where you are likely to find other people who have also taken that same step back :sun:

P.S If money is an issue, you can volunteer at a lot of festivals for a free ticket and meals, and its a great way to meet new people.


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Offlinebeforethedawn
Registered: 06/19/16
Posts: 1,672
Last seen: 1 day, 7 hours
Re: Lost and empty [Re: Anonymous #3]
    #25866998 - 03/11/19 06:26 AM (10 days, 15 hours ago)

I'm lonely too, but I'm happy. Seek Enlightenment, it is real. Some nights I lay there bathed in God's love just basking in it. It's total completeness.

I recommend the book "Be As You Are" by David Godman, it's free, you can Google the PDF version.


--------------------
No longer here

Like the evaporated stars

Still sending light through space-time

Defining why you can't see the Buddha's objects of gaze


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Anonymous #1

Re: Lost and empty [Re: beforethedawn]
    #25867839 - 03/11/19 05:23 PM (10 days, 4 hours ago)

I agree I think I need to branch out more and be a little more selective with who I hangout with. Maybe I just need a chill pill, I’m in my head way too much. I have to say though your guys’ comments helped, I feel a little more at ease knowing it’s not just me lol. And I now have some new ideas for what to do. At any rate, I’m grateful for the struggle. It’s been like this for a while and I think this is just what it takes to change.

The world is so weird


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Offlinesearching
Male User Gallery


Registered: 06/08/11
Posts: 3,940
Last seen: 1 hour, 50 minutes
Re: Lost and empty [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #25868810 - 03/12/19 01:46 AM (9 days, 20 hours ago)

You sound lonely more than anything. College was hard for me too since I'm introverted. I did meet some people but they're not lifelong friends. I think I spent most of my college days stoned and retreating into my dorm room or my friends apartment with like 2-3 people. My advice is take that uncomfortable first step to socialize with like minded people. Sign up for activities, go to parties, do whatever you have to do to go out and meet people. I'm out of college now and wonder what it may have been like if I just tried a little harder to meet more people.


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Offlinestzacrack
Stranger

Registered: 05/07/05
Posts: 2,556
Last seen: 10 hours, 14 minutes
Re: Lost and empty [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #25872625 - 03/13/19 10:13 PM (7 days, 23 hours ago)

I was the most gifted athlete where i grew up, but the school was dominated by football basketball baseball jocks and I was the hockey kid who was gonna make it, so I picked on whoever I wanted to, but also had unlimited "friends"

I'm just sayin this and adding that I don't even talk to two of them myself

I am older but still, don't worry bout what they say if you can


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The elder among the men looked deep into
The fire and spoke loud with pride
Tomorrow is a fine day to die

Don't bend; don't water it down; don't try to make it logical; don't edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Lost and empty [Re: stzacrack]
    #25872970 - 03/14/19 02:04 AM (7 days, 19 hours ago)

I am lonely. I’m trying to look inward though I think a lot of it is just how I am. I overthink a lot and when talking with people I take a while to respond if I even do because I’ve been ridiculed enough I just would rather not speak most the time. But it feels wrong to snuff my personality for crappy people. Idk. When you really want friends you get desperate. I’ve met some good people at college kind of, but again I’m too much in my head but I think people would like it better if I just said what was on my mind rather than try to filter it. Maybe it’s slight ptsd, I hate using that term bc it’s a serious disease and I don’t believe in self diagnosis. But I don’t really know what else to call it.

I also think I just haven’t tasted the real world yet, and feel I would fare better than with school people. Idk people my generation not all of them but a good portion are selfish and have their own agendas and just mindlessly try to please themselves/boost their ego. I never lived by this. I find it ridiculous. I think what makes me the most upset here is I know I’m a nice person and probably a good friend but lately I don’t have the energy.

I never talked to a shrink, I hate them a believe society just has no business with this stuff with their reputation of pumping bad drugs into sad people. However just typing it out here I’ve already noticed it’s been a little easier talking to people. I love the Shroomery. You guys are all rad people. Thanks for being honest and helpful.

I’m learning :smile:


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Offlinesearching
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Registered: 06/08/11
Posts: 3,940
Last seen: 1 hour, 50 minutes
Re: Lost and empty [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #25873067 - 03/14/19 03:53 AM (7 days, 17 hours ago)

It is true that most people are selfish and it is hard to find people who aren't like that but that's what you need to do. You say you want to taste the real world and think that maybe that will be better or easier to socialize. I really think that's not true. In college everyone is looking to find new friends. You will NEVER have another period in your life where you are around so many like minded people your age. When you graduate and start a career you may be stuck working with a bunch of middle aged people. That's what happened to me. You'll have to go out to bars or go out of your way to even find new people. And even then, people in general already have their close circle established. Within 5 years of graduating most people your age will be getting married and start having kids. The dating pool gets smaller and smaller and your choices will mainly single moms. Strike while the iron is hot.

Why do you give so much power to what other people think of you? When you let that hold you back from speaking your mind you are holding their (perceived) opinions at a higher value than what you have to offer. Most people don't even want that power over you. It's all in your head. You clearly have a lot to offer so let the world see it. This may seem pretty random but I promise it's relevant. This interview is the first ever public speaking from buckethead because he has extreme social anxiety. He's talking with his therapist in this and in the beginning he explains in more detail what I was just trying to say. I know it helped me. Maybe it'll help you.



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Invisibleincubis
Lighter


Registered: 10/30/10
Posts: 122
Loc: Dreamland
Re: Lost and empty [Re: searching]
    #25874110 - 03/14/19 05:21 PM (7 days, 4 hours ago)

It's difficult to see an event from multiple angles; that is, most tend to settle on one particular perspective.  There were studies done that psilocybin...etc help shift and get out of this mental quandary.  Another way I find helpful is to not judge, at all.  I mean do not judge yourself, people around you or even things.  When you find yourself having negative thoughts, how about, (you said you want to help the planet,right?) think in what ways you can do or goals to help the planet instead.  And even better, go do it.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Lost and empty [Re: incubis]
    #25874659 - 03/14/19 10:16 PM (6 days, 23 hours ago)

@searching It’s a crappy trait I picked up. I’ve become aware of it, so I am trying to correct it. Yes it’s in my head, I know it. I would say it’s a combination of things, as most things are the causation is not simple and I’ve been doing some soul searching to find out why I hold myself back so much. I’ll definitely take a look at the video. I think it started in high school somewhere. I used to be very sociable in middle school and made friends with everyone. But perhaps it’s not so important why it happened just that I address it accordingly. I like how you said people probably don’t want that power. I concur and definitely pick up on that. Just another thing to work on.

Also I agree Incubis, I think I should re evaluate and really understand what it means to be a creature of this Earth. And lead by the example that’s been present for years. I just like how neutral and ever changing the planet is, and get a lot of inspiration just looking around seeing how all these different plants and animals have adapted to survive. Interesting it has been said twice now that if earth is the example I need to not be so judgemental. I would say I judge myself way more than I judge others, I am my harshest critic, sometimes a bully. I’ve never met anyone meaner to me than myself. Again, something to work on.


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