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Anonymous #1

Unwanted suicidal thoughts
    #25868784 - 03/11/19 11:25 PM (5 years, 19 days ago)

I've complained about my job on this site many times. My friends and family are all tired of hearing it also. Well I decided to make a change and escape this hell, but I just wanted to vent a little bit and especially about how I've been feeling lately.

My job makes me really depressed. The job is just all negatively all the time with no hope to ever improve anything. I know it's the job because before I worked there I never felt like this. I haven't been really depressed since I was a teenager, but I've been depressed for the last 5 years while working this job. Why did I stay so long if I hate it? I'll have to take a drug test for a new job but I smoke a lot of weed and basically it's been hard for me to quit when I go home pissed off every day. I know it's a stupid reason and it's my fault I'm still in this mess. Moving on...

When I get depressed from this job I get really bad compulsive thoughts. I think I've always had them to some degree but when I get depressed it gets really bad. I just have constant thoughts about wanting to die in the most horrible ways. Car broke down? I should just jump into traffic. Sitting at my desk waiting for the work day to be over? I should just go put my head in a hydraulic press and make my co workers watch my head get crushed. It's irrational and most of the time I really don't want that to happen.

But when I get really depressed I really just wish I wasn't here. I will get those thoughts popping into my head literally like every 2-3 minutes or more. If it's really bad I will just sit and stare off not able to think about anything else. Like I just can't get them to stop and it's scary. I made a promise to myself that I would never kill myself and that seemed to help. But then the hopelessness will catch back up to me to where i don't even want to be happy. I can't even laugh. This is the latest worst form of depression yet. If I watch something funny I'm just like fuck you for trying to make me laugh. Or if I see some people happy I get resentful or something and just want them to feel what I feel. My friends text me and I just want to tell them to fuck off for no reason.

I can see myself being like this and it's scary because I really felt like I turned to darkness or I don't even want to see the light anymore. I prayed to God to help me and I'm not even really religious. Haven't been to church in at least ten years. This actually did help me see that I can still be happy. But it still comes back afterwards. I've decided today will be my first day without weed because it's the only way out. I have to take the power back. Thanks for reading. I know that I'm a pathetic human being for complaining about problems when so many have it worse than me.

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Anonymous #1

Re: Unwanted suicidal thoughts [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #25868790 - 03/11/19 11:31 PM (5 years, 19 days ago)

One last thing... Pretty much the only thing I think of that makes me not want to kill myself is for the pain it would bring my parents. They were so good to me there's just no way I could put them through that.

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Offlinetacodude
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Re: Unwanted suicidal thoughts [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #25868884 - 03/12/19 01:14 AM (5 years, 19 days ago)

I'd recommend finding a therapist to talk to, but make sure to clearly differentiate between depression and impulsive thoughts along the lines of wishing you were never born or that it could just all end vs. true intention and planning attempting to push oneself to accept the suffering that goes with death such as the physical pain. That will really be the difference between someone understanding and someone misunderstanding and jumping immediately into a forced psych evaluation hold, which is supposed to be reserved for true suicidal intent and not just being so miserable one wishes it never began or could all end without thinking how to accomplish such task.

I don't want to say too much and say the wrong thing so if you have any questions just ask.

Edit: Also you're not pathetic... This type of depression is extremely common especially in this current emotional and political atmosphere

Edited by tacodude (03/12/19 01:16 AM)

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Anonymous #1

Re: Unwanted suicidal thoughts [Re: tacodude]
    #25869353 - 03/12/19 10:02 AM (5 years, 18 days ago)

Thanks for the advice. I never had a good experience with a therapist. My dad took me when I was probably 13 because I threatened suicide. I think I was just an angsty teen with no direction and no passion for anything. But from what I remember the therapist just talked a lot about how great his daughter is and how I should try to be like her pretty much. I never went back.

Last night was the first night without weed and the night sweats were crazy. Tomorrow will probably bring on the intense dreams which I actually enjoy.

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OfflineBuster_Brown
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Re: Unwanted suicidal thoughts [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #25869501 - 03/12/19 11:14 AM (5 years, 18 days ago)

You think cutting yourself might alleviate thoughts of more drastic measures?

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Offlinetacodude
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Re: Unwanted suicidal thoughts [Re: Buster_Brown]
    #25869866 - 03/12/19 02:27 PM (5 years, 18 days ago)

Do not suggest cutting!!!! Self harm is a horrid practice for any reason

Edit: Sounds like you had a terrible therapist and also did not truly present right, which a 13 year old can't be blamed for. If you don't mind me asking how old are you now? Do you use anything besides cannabis? Prescribed or personal use?

Edited by tacodude (03/12/19 02:29 PM)

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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
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Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system Flag
Re: Unwanted suicidal thoughts [Re: tacodude]
    #25869928 - 03/12/19 02:46 PM (5 years, 18 days ago)

Quote:

tacodude said:
Edit: Sounds like you had a terrible therapist



Agree. There's many charlatans in that game, but there's some fucking amazing ones out there if you look, and they're worth their weight in gold.


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe

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OfflineBuster_Brown
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Re: Unwanted suicidal thoughts [Re: tacodude]
    #25869948 - 03/12/19 02:54 PM (5 years, 18 days ago)

Quote:

tacodude said:
Do not suggest cutting!!!! Self harm is a horrid practice for any reason






Ever hear the phrase "Drastic times call for drastic measures"?

What do you read into this:

Quote:

I decided to make a change and escape this hell





'Hair of the dog' may apply.

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Anonymous #2

Re: Unwanted suicidal thoughts [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #25870018 - 03/12/19 03:19 PM (5 years, 18 days ago)

You’re thinking about killing yourself over just quitting weed for a month so you can piss for a new job?

Fuck that dude, get rid of the job.  Getting your head clear off the weed smoke and anything else is never a bad idea.  Get comfortable with being slightly uncomfortable not smoking weed and bail on that shit job that is making your life hella uncomfortable.

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Offlinetacodude
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Re: Unwanted suicidal thoughts [Re: Buster_Brown]
    #25870040 - 03/12/19 03:25 PM (5 years, 18 days ago)

Quote:

Buster_Brown said:
Quote:

tacodude said:
Do not suggest cutting!!!! Self harm is a horrid practice for any reason






Ever hear the phrase "Drastic times call for drastic measures"?




Never still means never

Quote:

Buster_Brown said:
What do you read into this:

Quote:

I decided to make a change and escape this hell





'Hair of the dog' may apply.



I don't read into it at all... Reading into things can be dangerous if you don't know how to and can cause more damage than what was assumed especially when all you have is text without body language or vocal tones for context.

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OfflineBuster_Brown
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Re: Unwanted suicidal thoughts [Re: tacodude]
    #25870117 - 03/12/19 04:03 PM (5 years, 18 days ago)

We might find the discrepancy between the thought of a small abrasion 'out smarting' the idea of a major catastrophe, thus bringing the remedy of suicide into perspective.

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Anonymous #1

Re: Unwanted suicidal thoughts [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #25870976 - 03/13/19 01:40 AM (5 years, 18 days ago)

Quote:

Buster_Brown said:
You think cutting yourself might alleviate thoughts of more drastic measures?




I cut myself with scissors a couple times when I was a teenager. I never told anyone or showed anyone. It's actually pretty embarrassing.

Quote:

tacodude said:
Do not suggest cutting!!!! Self harm is a horrid practice for any reason

Edit: Sounds like you had a terrible therapist and also did not truly present right, which a 13 year old can't be blamed for. If you don't mind me asking how old are you now? Do you use anything besides cannabis? Prescribed or personal use?




I'm 31 and I don't use any other drugs besides weed. I drink like 2 beers a week. I trip maybe once per year.

Quote:

Anonymous #2 said:
You’re thinking about killing yourself over just quitting weed for a month so you can piss for a new job?

Fuck that dude, get rid of the job.  Getting your head clear off the weed smoke and anything else is never a bad idea.  Get comfortable with being slightly uncomfortable not smoking weed and bail on that shit job that is making your life hella uncomfortable.




Well it's more like the job brings me to a really bad mindstate that just feels hopeless. It makes me think that the whole world is fucked up just like this company and I'll probably never find a job I can be happy with. It's all completely irrational and just a few days away from the place can bring me out of it.

It's funny, every day I go to work either pumping myself up to attack the problems with ferocity or I go in trying not to care or let anything get to me. No matter what by the end of the day I just get so angry.

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Anonymous #1

Re: Unwanted suicidal thoughts [Re: Buster_Brown]
    #25870981 - 03/13/19 01:45 AM (5 years, 18 days ago)

Quote:

Buster_Brown said:
Quote:

tacodude said:
Do not suggest cutting!!!! Self harm is a horrid practice for any reason






Ever hear the phrase "Drastic times call for drastic measures"?

What do you read into this:

Quote:

I decided to make a change and escape this hell





'Hair of the dog' may apply.




I meant that I'm quitting weed to get a new job. That's how I'm escaping this hell.

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Offlinetacodude
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Re: Unwanted suicidal thoughts [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #25871621 - 03/13/19 11:59 AM (5 years, 17 days ago)

Exactly.... That's why I didn't read into it.

Again talking to a good psychologist rather than psychiatrist to discuss these issues will really help if you find someone useful to talk to. Especially about these feelings associated with your thoughts leaving you feeling hopeless about your situation and the future where you want to give up, but from the sounds of it haven't seriously thought about it even though you may have wished it happened without thinking about how or tnr consequences you'd have to face and the consequences of such possible choice on the world. Does this sound about right?

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Anonymous #1

Re: Unwanted suicidal thoughts [Re: tacodude]
    #25871636 - 03/13/19 12:06 PM (5 years, 17 days ago)

Yeah I never actually planned to kill myself even though I think about it nonstop. Like I said they're unwanted thoughts, but I feel that it's not normal. I probably should talk to someone about it but I think I'll just quit my job. If it happens again I'll talk to someone. But I did go from age 18 - 26 without ever feeling like this. It's just the job I know it.

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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system Flag
Re: Unwanted suicidal thoughts [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #25871880 - 03/13/19 02:21 PM (5 years, 17 days ago)

I very much doubt it's just the job. As with most things in life, it's very likely due to multiple factors combined.

Sounds like you need to do some deep inner reflection. It would be much easier with a therapist/the ear of someone you trust.

If that fails, you've always got us. I know it's easy to try and pin tragedy on just a single factor but I'll eat my hat if it's that and that alone.


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe

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Anonymous #2

Re: Unwanted suicidal thoughts [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #25871947 - 03/13/19 03:09 PM (5 years, 17 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:
Well it's more like the job brings me to a really bad mindstate that just feels hopeless. It makes me think that the whole world is fucked up just like this company and I'll probably never find a job I can be happy with. It's all completely irrational and just a few days away from the place can bring me out of it.

It's funny, every day I go to work either pumping myself up to attack the problems with ferocity or I go in trying not to care or let anything get to me. No matter what by the end of the day I just get so angry.




That describes my work career perfectly, I think I know pretty well the feelings you’re having.  I haven’t found a solution but I still believe there is one.  I certainly hope there is one.

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Anonymous #1

Re: Unwanted suicidal thoughts [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #25873048 - 03/14/19 01:24 AM (5 years, 17 days ago)

Day 3 with no weed and man I feel a lot better. I don't know if it's because I get better sleep or mental clarity or if its just the fact that I know I'm on my way to fixing my situation. I'm getting some cravings but every time I just think of how I'm going to get to quit. My goal is to get a new job by June.

We have an annual audit in june that is a huge pain in the ass because we always almost miserably and it's my job to fix all of the problems. Last year right before the audit my boss quit, and another engineer quit, another engineer left the country, which left just me to get audited and spend a few months to close all of the findings. It was a lot of pressure because if we failed our company would lose our certification and potentially lose a lot of business. I hated it so bad but I did it and saved their ass. This year it's my turn to bail on them at the last minute.


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Offlinetwigglez


Registered: 05/10/18
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Last seen: 5 years, 14 days
Re: Unwanted suicidal thoughts [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #25875915 - 03/15/19 01:25 PM (5 years, 15 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:
I've complained about my job on this site many times. My friends and family are all tired of hearing it also. Well I decided to make a change and escape this hell, but I just wanted to vent a little bit and especially about how I've been feeling lately.

My job makes me really depressed. The job is just all negatively all the time with no hope to ever improve anything. I know it's the job because before I worked there I never felt like this. I haven't been really depressed since I was a teenager, but I've been depressed for the last 5 years while working this job. Why did I stay so long if I hate it? I'll have to take a drug test for a new job but I smoke a lot of weed and basically it's been hard for me to quit when I go home pissed off every day. I know it's a stupid reason and it's my fault I'm still in this mess. Moving on...

When I get depressed from this job I get really bad compulsive thoughts. I think I've always had them to some degree but when I get depressed it gets really bad. I just have constant thoughts about wanting to die in the most horrible ways. Car broke down? I should just jump into traffic. Sitting at my desk waiting for the work day to be over? I should just go put my head in a hydraulic press and make my co workers watch my head get crushed. It's irrational and most of the time I really don't want that to happen.

But when I get really depressed I really just wish I wasn't here. I will get those thoughts popping into my head literally like every 2-3 minutes or more. If it's really bad I will just sit and stare off not able to think about anything else. Like I just can't get them to stop and it's scary. I made a promise to myself that I would never kill myself and that seemed to help. But then the hopelessness will catch back up to me to where i don't even want to be happy. I can't even laugh. This is the latest worst form of depression yet. If I watch something funny I'm just like fuck you for trying to make me laugh. Or if I see some people happy I get resentful or something and just want them to feel what I feel. My friends text me and I just want to tell them to fuck off for no reason.

I can see myself being like this and it's scary because I really felt like I turned to darkness or I don't even want to see the light anymore. I prayed to God to help me and I'm not even really religious. Haven't been to church in at least ten years. This actually did help me see that I can still be happy. But it still comes back afterwards. I've decided today will be my first day without weed because it's the only way out. I have to take the power back. Thanks for reading. I know that I'm a pathetic human being for complaining about problems when so many have it worse than me.



their are parasitic aliens in control of this plane of existence now, they have been poisoning you since birth, this is why you feel depressed, you are just sick, the society you live in didnt teach you how to remove toxins from your body, if you want to heal naturally , gently, for cheap/free, just check out my sig, my people and your people are the same, all you have to do is heal yourself, show us you give a damn about yourself, and we will ensure you never die. We love you, you are a perfect creation of mother nature, and you will never die.

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Offlinetacodude
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Re: Unwanted suicidal thoughts [Re: twigglez]
    #25876071 - 03/15/19 02:42 PM (5 years, 15 days ago)

Ignore this last poster... His language is ridden with delusion promoting wording. They may be trying to help, but that person needs to help themselves first to just be straightforward rather than hide behind such language.

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