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InvisiblemndfreezeM
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Posts: 16,236
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Re: Sexless Marriage [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #25441565 - 09/07/18 01:57 AM (10 months, 4 days ago)

You seem lonely, though its pretty obvious why that is.  Regardless the guy is trying to save his marriage, not destroy it further.  So yeah, it very much is terrible advice.


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Nothing says love like grannies prolapsed anus!

quote]Urb said:
I know... Its fucked up... Ill fix it minyana..[/quote]


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Anonymous #2

Re: Sexless Marriage [Re: mndfreeze]
    #25442032 - 09/07/18 09:29 AM (10 months, 4 days ago)

Deleted


Edited by Anonymous (06/13/19 12:36 PM)


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InvisiblePecheur
sinner and soulful savage
Female

Registered: 07/05/18
Posts: 320
Re: Sexless Marriage [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #25442236 - 09/07/18 11:25 AM (10 months, 4 days ago)

I thought about this at work all last night.  I think I have an idea.  She’s got to work this out and find her fire and want again right?  But potentially her pushing herself to fulfill your needs is crippling her to the point that she’s not making progress.... so I was thinking what are the other options? 

And it hit me.  I took a pole class and it was really beneficial.  Hear me out.  It was a super liberal one about women owning their sexuality and being sexy for themselves and having time to enjoy being their ‘inner goddess’.    Let’s say that’s not her thing (it might not be, I liked it once I was there but it was a gift from a friend, not something I chose)....what if you found physical activities that make her feel good in her own body again? Perhaps that wouldn’t be her cup of tea but what if it was something you could do together?  Like a salsa class together might be great for bonding and make her feel sexy.  She’d be safe with you.  Not only could you boost serotonin and positive endorphins with the physical activity but it’s bonding, its an activity she wouldn’t have to do alone....it might make her feel attractive again?  I know you said you are introverted but maybe it would be something where both of you could step outside your comfort zone to build something really great?  Maybe there’s an activity like that that would work towards bridging the gap that therapy isn’t quite touching.   

There’s got to be a positive avenue that we haven’t thought of.  If therapy ain’t cutting it, you gotta look outside the box.  Obviously I’m really rooting for you guys.

You weren’t hurtful and it was nice to have a positive response to something people really shy away from.  While I wasn’t itching to spill my guts persay to a community I want to be a part of for a long time.... humanity owes it to one another to help and grow with eachother and there’s a lot of good folks here who are here to help, and it was my turn I think.  I’m not sure how helpful it was since I don’t have the survival formula other than I was stubborn, persistant, already used to living with a lot of pain alone and was on a mission to love and be loved despite my demons.  I think if she can reclaim her body she’ll want to share it with you again.  There’s a catalyst we just haven’t thought of yet to help her get there.  I’m curious about the videos Pachoo recommended now so I’ll have to take a look out of curiousity.

I really feel for your wife.  The shame and being blamed for her own personal nightmare has likely been unbearable torture for her that crushes me just thinking about it.    If I had kept that mindset back then I wouldn’t have survived. 

She may be weathering a shit storm in a really secluded way (to protect herself from likely getting worse), but she’s a tough lady.    You’ll get there.  I’m not sure if she’ll do it fast enough before you won’t be able to keep putting her first but Im really hoping so.

@pachoo you are good peoples, I’m totally okay I think even though it was not something normal me would ever  put out there, buuuuuuuuut I’d take you up on chatting with your cool self whenever just because I’d dig that.  :heart:


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InvisiblePecheur
sinner and soulful savage
Female

Registered: 07/05/18
Posts: 320
Re: Sexless Marriage [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #25442258 - 09/07/18 11:35 AM (10 months, 4 days ago)

Look anon 2.    Behave.    Also no ones dick falls off from not getting laid.  And I dont think this was ever about cheap satisfaction in climaxing in one of his wife’s orifices or anyone else’s  but missing connecting with another human physically.  They really aren’t the same thing but obviously we are talking about two different qualities of men.  He does have a right to having his needs met but maybe don’t spread evil on people who are otherwise trying to be good.  He asked for help for his marriage, not the quickest way to a nut.  It’s good you were wise enough to be anon, because it is kind of an ugly display of undiciplined unevolved bull to spew.


Edited by Pecheur (09/07/18 02:32 PM)


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Invisiblepachoo
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Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 6,931
Re: Sexless Marriage [Re: Pecheur]
    #25442631 - 09/07/18 03:01 PM (10 months, 4 days ago)

Quote:

Pecheur said:
And it hit me.  I took a pole class and it was really beneficial.  Hear me out.  It was a super liberal one about women owning their sexuality and being sexy for themselves and having time to enjoy being their ‘inner goddess’.    Let’s say that’s not her thing (it might not be, I liked it once I was there but it was a gift from a friend, not something I chose)....what if you found physical activities that make her feel good in her own body again? Perhaps that wouldn’t be her cup of tea but what if it was something you could do together?  Like a salsa class together might be great for bonding and make her feel sexy.  She’d be safe with you.  Not only could you boost serotonin and positive endorphins with the physical activity but it’s bonding, its an activity she wouldn’t have to do alone....it might make her feel attractive again?  I know you said you are introverted but maybe it would be something where both of you could step outside your comfort zone to build something really great?  Maybe there’s an activity like that that would work towards bridging the gap that therapy isn’t quite touching.   







THIS!! This is what I was coming to the conclusion to as well. But you put it so much more beautifully. She has got to reclaim her sexuality again for her. Even with self loving herself alone. It is a process and it really does almost start with her loving herself. Then adding in husband. She has to find and outlet for feeling sexy as a woman again, and hopefully one that they can do together. Cooking, athletics, art... whatever they want.















Jesus christ Anon 2 :facepalm:


--------------------


:heartpump::heartpump: :heartpump::heartpump:


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Anonymous #1

Re: Sexless Marriage [Re: Pecheur]
    #25443909 - 09/08/18 12:23 AM (10 months, 3 days ago)

Quote:

Pecheur said:

You weren’t hurtful and it was nice to have a positive response to something people really shy away from.  While I wasn’t itching to spill my guts persay to a community I want to be a part of for a long time.... humanity owes it to one another to help and grow with eachother and there’s a lot of good folks here who are here to help, and it was my turn I think.  I’m not sure how helpful it was since I don’t have the survival formula other than I was stubborn, persistant, already used to living with a lot of pain alone and was on a mission to love and be loved despite my demons.  I think if she can reclaim her body she’ll want to share it with you again.  There’s a catalyst we just haven’t thought of yet to help her get there.  I’m curious about the videos Pachoo recommended now so I’ll have to take a look out of curiousity.






You were definitely helpful! Even just being able to hear all the similarities between your experience and hers and then how you overcame (I don't know the best word here) your struggles. It's reinforcement that my wife's not broken. She has tremendous healing capacity. And it's all just about getting her to want it bad enough and figuring out what kicks up the momentum. What you said about persistence and fighting demons IS the formula. That's a lesson I've been forced to learn over and over again since 6th grade. The answers to each dilemma are unique, but persistence is the only thing that will get you there.

I think your suggestion is awesome and makes a lot of sense. It will definitely take some creative thinking to figure out exactly activity could get her in touch with that. But I bet that's something the therapist might know, since she specializes in trauma. I'm sure it's a pretty common issue


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OfflineCajun love
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Registered: 10/14/16
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Re: Sexless Marriage [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #25452763 - 09/11/18 06:30 PM (9 months, 30 days ago)

You gotta make her want to sleep with you. Go to the gym, lose/gain weight, get a fresh haircut, fresh clothes, etc. Then take her out and BOTH of yall get FUCKED UP on whatever drugs or alcohol you like, seriously. Then after you have a great time together dont push for sex that night. She will appreciate the no strings atyached awesome night out and will want to reward you. If that doesnt work you need to accept the fact that sex is not coming and never will. You are Wayyy to young to be in a sexless marriage.


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OfflineDogon4671
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Registered: 08/24/18
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Re: Sexless Marriage [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #25460416 - 09/14/18 08:02 PM (9 months, 27 days ago)

As for the last message sometimes it's not because you have become less attractive to the opposite sex sometimes it's because they have a problem with themselves, seeing how she has PTSD that could be the major factor in what's "turning her off" I also know depression follows PTSD and that itself is a huge downer on the sex drive. The comment when you did bring it up at therapy and she "attacked" herself is a clear sign of self mutilation mentally she probably really thinks she's aweful for not fulfilling her husbands needs and is embarrassed when it's brought up. You can also look at the other end of the spectrum and jump to the conclusion that she's cheating, but I doubt that's the case if the sex drive has been similarly low the entire time. Do something mysterious, recreate a date make her feel worth something, because she probably is beating herself up mentally.

Otherwise is the relationship great in other ways can you come home and express yourself without feeling judged? Do you two laugh together and have a joyous time? Is it just the lack of sex that makes your mind stray off?


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You're primitive man on the savannah. You see something move out of the corner of your eye. You assume it's a hyena. You run, you live. If you assume it's the wind and you're wrong, you die. We have the genes of the ones who ran. We're genetically hard-wired to believe living forces that we cannot see..


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OfflineRJ Tubs 202
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Re: Sexless Marriage [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #25474173 - 09/20/18 02:17 AM (9 months, 22 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:

We're spending all this money on couples therapy and doing weekly intimacy sessions . . .




When our lover becomes our best friend, it can take a big toll on sexual desire.

Instead of becoming closer, consider you may be too close. If you two have fused and
become enmeshed, that can totally kill desire. Eroticism thrives in the space between the
self and the other. Without space between lovers, desire can't be cultivated and blossom.

It's very difficult to experience desire when you're weighted down by concern. The more
serious you get about fixing this problem, it might become worse. How about having other fun? 

Esther Perel wrote the international bestseller, "Mating in Captivity", which dissects, in amazing
detail, how and why desire can disappear in a relationship. I wish I'd read it before my divorce.


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OfflineDoneKildatReason
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Registered: 02/25/05
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Re: Sexless Marriage [Re: RJ Tubs 202]
    #25474444 - 09/20/18 07:35 AM (9 months, 22 days ago)

Did anyone mention the kind of therapy for ptsd that uses eye movement and some lights.... Cannot think of the name and sorry if i missed in the above.

I know someone who went through years and years of panic and physical sensation of the childhood rape before trying this therapy.  Now their heart doesnt start pounding and they dont feel the sensation of the rapist pressing into them any more....

What is that therapy called.... Cant think....


--------------------
This was an experiment.


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OfflineDoneKildatReason
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Re: Sexless Marriage [Re: DoneKildatReason] * 1
    #25474446 - 09/20/18 07:37 AM (9 months, 22 days ago)

Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR)

Okay just took 5 seconds of google.... May help.


--------------------
This was an experiment.


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InvisibleJokeshopbeardM
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Registered: 11/30/11
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Re: Sexless Marriage [Re: DoneKildatReason]
    #25474461 - 09/20/18 07:45 AM (9 months, 22 days ago)

I've heard very promising things about EMDR for PTSD also.


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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Anonymous #1

Re: Sexless Marriage [Re: DoneKildatReason]
    #25475305 - 09/20/18 03:00 PM (9 months, 22 days ago)

I appreciate the continued responses folks

Quote:

Dogon4671 said:


Otherwise is the relationship great in other ways can you come home and express yourself without feeling judged? Do you two laugh together and have a joyous time? Is it just the lack of sex that makes your mind stray off?





For the most part. I'm more comfortable around her than anyone else. I find sometimes I have some resentment and I don't know if that's the lack of sex, or just the introvert me having a tough time sharing my space with a partner. It's on and off. Most of the time we connect pretty well but then we have some periods where I'm just annoyed with different aspects of her, but I know I'm no walk in the park myself so... The way I feel about her is like... I don't ever want us to separate. But at the same time, if we did, I feel like I might not get back into a committed relationship again.



Quote:

RJ Tubs 202 said:
Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:

We're spending all this money on couples therapy and doing weekly intimacy sessions . . .




When our lover becomes our best friend, it can take a big toll on sexual desire.

Instead of becoming closer, consider you may be too close. If you two have fused and
become enmeshed, that can totally kill desire. Eroticism thrives in the space between the
self and the other. Without space between lovers, desire can't be cultivated and blossom.

It's very difficult to experience desire when you're weighted down by concern. The more
serious you get about fixing this problem, it might become worse. How about having other fun? 

Esther Perel wrote the international bestseller, "Mating in Captivity", which dissects, in amazing
detail, how and why desire can disappear in a relationship. I wish I'd read it before my divorce.




Interesting RJ, I'll have to take a look into that. There's definitely more desire after I've been out of town for a while. But even if distance promotes a spontaneous sexual encounter, I can't just keep abandoning her to get laid. Believe me, I maintain plenty of distance in the house. I hang out with her for a bit when she gets off work and then eat dinner with her and watch TV. But other than that I spend most of my time locked in a room reading books or with my headphones on playing the piano.

Quote:

DoneKildatReason said:
Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR)

Okay just took 5 seconds of google.... May help.




She's done it before. I don't recall the deal, but I know it was intense for her. I'm not sure if she did it for long enough. We did talk about her doing it some more but forgot about it. The problem is she's never in the "right place" to do it. I mean... who wants to come back from work after 10 hours to meet with a therapist and relive trauma. I don't blame her for feeling that way. But again... when is the right time? It would have to be a big commitment too because it takes many sessions.


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InvisibleJokeshopbeardM
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 20,439
Loc: Deep in the system Flag
Re: Sexless Marriage [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #25475344 - 09/20/18 03:13 PM (9 months, 22 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:
who wants to come back from work after 10 hours to meet with a therapist and relive trauma. I don't blame her for feeling that way. But again... when is the right time? It would have to be a big commitment too because it takes many sessions.



The right time is now. Life doesn't get easier as time passes; quite the opposite IME.

When I was in a really bad place in my life I thought nothing of putting in an hour once or twice a week with a therapist - for fifteen months no less. In fact I only stopped because I left the country.

Yes, it's effort, but feeling good is effort. It's why I put about three hours a day into diet and exercise and meditation and reading - I start to feel very shit and sink without it.

I know you're trying to be understanding, but I think it's misplaced on this occasion. If it's tearing you apart you need to put your foot down.

That's one thing I really took away from going through similar stuff to you - I was too passive in trying to be understanding.

Life is hard. For all of us. Some people make the effort to push upstream and some don't.

I'll not sacrifice myself again for someone who isn't pushing upstream.


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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OfflineDoneKildatReason
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Registered: 02/25/05
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Re: Sexless Marriage [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #25476456 - 09/20/18 10:37 PM (9 months, 21 days ago)

I was thinking.... It may be on her mind at work too at times, making the day harder.  I totally understand you want best for her.... And if she can heal from this it will make work and your relationship and her whole life better.  Nothing is ever set in stone.  She can heal.  Hope she believes she can.  Maybe she thinks now she never will ... I bet it seems that way. 

I hope you guys can pull in the same direction, as JSB alludes to above.  Opposite forces create tension and can even ruin relationships in my personal experience.  Im dealing with that now.... Hurts.  I hope the best for you guys.


--------------------
This was an experiment.


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OfflineRJ Tubs 202
Male


Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 3,265
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Last seen: 3 days, 19 hours
Re: Sexless Marriage [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #25476823 - 09/21/18 02:18 AM (9 months, 21 days ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:

I hang out with her for a bit when she gets off work and then eat dinner with her and watch TV.
But other than that I spend most of my time locked in a room reading books or with my headphones on playing the piano.




You also say "I'm more comfortable around her than anyone else."

I appreciate that. I was with my ex for 10 years, and I needed this kind of space. We did exactly this. 

Comfort and passion can be at odds. And we think we know our partner fully, but we don't.
We all hold secrets within ourselves. I don't think my ex and I really ever communicated about
what was really going on within each of us. Oh, we talked a lot! We had passionate discussions,
But not about what was going on within. It's said that all affairs begin with secrets . . . 

How about you? Do you share your deepest darkest secrets?

And do you ever casually touch each other with caring affection?


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Anonymous #3

Re: Sexless Marriage [Re: mndfreeze]
    #25821189 - 02/18/19 05:44 PM (4 months, 25 days ago)

Agreed


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Offlinegreysolive
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Registered: 02/12/19
Posts: 14
Last seen: 22 days, 9 hours
Re: Sexless Marriage [Re: Anonymous #3] * 1
    #25853740 - 03/05/19 10:02 AM (4 months, 11 days ago)

I was in the same boat that's why I started attending massage parlours. For me it's the best way to relax and have some fun. In my last trip to Europe I found very cool local parlour here in Prague. I still can't forget their awesome masseuses, very hot girls. I like that I could make an appointment with any girl at my hotel. They provide all tyles of massages including erotic massage, tantric massage etc.


Edited by greysolive (03/08/19 05:51 AM)


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