@Masked: Sex is not a biological "need" per se, but an ingrained drive/desire. One can live their whole life without sex, but a person needs sleep, shelter, and food.
@Jokeshopbeard: I came to a crossroads on my 40th birthday in St Petersburg Fla. in 2005. I was tending bar at a neighborhood bar and just got this overall sick feeling of "what the fuck am I doing? What am I doing with my life"? "If I keep on here I'll end up like these alcohol soaked leather skinned people who only know this life. I needed a drastic change. I could feel it. I needed to "give back" or contribute to society and the neighborhood in which I lived in some way.
I felt like I was just taking and living like "how can I feel good", "what do I need" and so on. I surely was not having kids to give back to society. the thought of that was just not in my life, I do not need that, I do not have that "urge" to have them to feel complete. Like they might go on to cure cancer, be a president, or some other such nonsense. Even though both my grandma and mother were valedictorians and I may have some smarts, I was and still am not some role model for a kid, much less one from me.
I started getting interested in real estate (since I was working at the yacht club as well as that neighborhood bar, I was meeting very affluent real estate people) due to some customers asking me to bartend private parties and weddings. I was starting to be a sort of freelance bartender, was pretty neat. My neighbor started real estate school, I was about to start, then Katrina happened. I had moved from Gulfport MS in March of 2005, it hit in August. I had left a very dysfunctional on and off relationship and they stayed there in Gulfport. Well, I ended up getting back with them (long story posted it in relationships thread in 08-09) due to the opportunity to not work while I went to school to be a nurse.
I had about 1 year to research and do some research and a lot of self soul searching before I made the decision. I realized after hanging around all those real estate people that they were not trying to help people/families get homes and such, they were sharks just trying to get as much money as possible and that was their only drive. I feel like if I wanted just money in life I would have gotten it a LONG time ago, I choose to live and have as much free time off to just enjoy living, playing, and trying to make other people around me see life can be fun and one doesn't have to worry or "make it" or be a certain way or do certain things to be happy, just be.
I realized that I have actually been a nurse of sorts my whole life. At parties when someone was getting sick and might be on the ground or fall, I would turn them on their stomach and be concerned while others would just move away in disgust or be laughing at them, fucking jerks! If someone was too fucked up I was asked to drive even though they knew I was fucked too, they would say "but you can do it", and i could. (don't get fucked up and drive people) I was always asked for advice in certain situations etc...
Being in fairly good shape and physically more fit than LOT of people I see/saw my age I realized could be very helpful as a nurse in a hospital, not to mention I would be "giving back" and contributing to my little world/part of society/neighborhood in which I lived in a way that would be very helpful without expecting anything back, and also quenching that need to feel like I meant something as a human being. It's hard to explain really. I have this drive to leave some kind of "mark" and it is NOT kids, period. I am an artist by birth and I have a desire to create art, I just got settled for the very first time in my life and will be creating again in my new comfy space.
I also feel like art can have an emotional effect on people and can actually change a mood in any direction. It is very powerful and music is as well. I will be creating more of that too now that I've put a root down (gay pun, lol), and actually have the space. So to answer the question "what is the point", it can mean many things to many people, but I feel like the basic drive of that is to just be needed and wanted in some way, I really don't know. I think maybe that when I do go there may be very few people that remember me as a nurse, and maybe some things I create will inspire someone to go on to do really big things in art or music or nursing.
Sooner or later if one creates it is all forgotten unless it hits a worldwide status such as a really famous rock band, doctor, musician, artist, actor, inventor, and so on. That doesn't deter me from doing it though. I'm just happy now for once in my life and feel good about what I'm doing, contributing (in my small way) and who/everyone I've surrounded myself with. My life has been dysfunction and chaos (not by choice at first, and then it was) and now I can finally concentrate on just being happy instead of seeking it.
Why ponder "what is the point" so much that it creates a negative mind state? Why ask why so much" Why not just live, do, and just be? Have fun and don't be a jerk to anyone (not directed at you personally, this is to everyone who cared to read this far) and be nice as you can to people. Get away from the toxic people that thrive on chaos and drama, hopefully they'll see a better way one day but don't let them pull you down. Some people are just bad and no good and no one not even themselves can save them. Get away! (again, not to you personally)
@ Tantrika: You mean to tell me the only thing you're sure of in life is death and you are afraid of it?!? Why? NEVER fear death! I don't look forward to it, but I'll be damned if I fear it. I fear a slow painful death with a chronic disease, by fire, or drowning etc...but to fear it in general when you know it's inevitable? No fucking way!
@ Cowboyneal: Short, simple, concise, and sweet, I get it. Me too.
A friend of mine once told me that I "just coast through life" and it seems to bother him in some way. Like he was bothered that I seemed like I got by somehow without major planning and went back to school at 42, and so on. He works for a major bank and stays home and saves and is a homebody/introvert type. He also didn't want to take the next step to have a mate move in, another reason I am here and VERY happy I made this decision. He seems kind of bored/boring and doesn't enjoy life too much, but he is a great friend and the only ex I have ever stayed in touch with.
If I had made ANY other decision, made any other choice, and Katrina didn't happen, I would not be here doing what I am doing right now. I may not even be typing this sentence. EVERY single choice and thing that has happened in my life brought me to this very moment and I am so glad it did. I have regrets and secrets, but life is a strange beautiful thing and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I also like the Gaia earth theory, it makes sense to me, but as far as living one certain way to attain certain things or a specific mindset, status, or knowing certain people to be a certain way, no. I am can be a strange weirdo though, to each his own as long as doesn't hurt me or the people I love.
Twenty-five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
I realized quickly when I knew I should
That the world was made up of this brotherhood of man
For whatever that means
And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying in bed just to get it all out
What's in my head
And I, I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream from the top of my lungs
What's going on?
And I say, hey yeah yeah, hey yeah yeah
I said hey, what's going on?
And I say, hey yeah yeah, hey yeah yeah
I said hey, what's going on?
Oh, oh oh
Oh, oh oh
And I try, oh my god do I try
I try all the time, in this institution
And I pray, oh my god do I pray
I pray every single day
For a revolution
And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying bed
Just to get it all out
What's in my head
And I, I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream from the top of my lungs
What's going on?
And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?
And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?
And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?
And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?
Oh, oh oh oh
Twenty-five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
Also:
It doesn't hurt me
Do you wanna feel how it feels?
Do you wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me?
Do you wanna hear about the deal that I'm making?
You
It's you and me
And if I only could
I'd make a deal with God
And I'd get him to swap our places
Be running up that road
Be running up that hill
Be running up that building
See if I only could, oh
You don't wanna hurt me
But see how deep the bullet lies
Unaware I'm tearing you asunder
Oh, there is thunder in our hearts
Is there so much hate for the ones we love?
Well tell me, we both matter, don't we?
You
It's you and me
It's you and me won't be unhappy
And if I only could
I'd make a deal with God
And I'd get him to swap our places
Be running up that road
Be running up that hill
Be running up that building
Say, if I only could, oh
You
It's you and me
It's you and me won't be unhappy
Oh c'mon, baby, c'mon darling
Let me steal this moment from you now.
C'mon, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling
Let's exchange the experience, oh
And if I only could
I'd make a deal with God
And I'd get him to swap our places
I'd be running up that road
Be running up that hill
With no problems
See and if I only could
I'd make a deal with God
And I'd get him to swap our places
Be running up that road
Be running up that hill
With no problems
So if I only could
I'd make a deal with God
And I'd get him to swap our places
I'd be running up that road
Be running up that hill
With no problems
So if I only could
Be running up that hill
With no problems
If I only could, I'd be running up that hill
If I only could, I'd be running up that hill
There's so many I could post, these popped in while writing. Music transcends all boundaries, The Shaw of Iran, bill Clinton, Trump, etc, everyone listens to some kind of music. It's very powerful and means a lot to me. I do like cotton candy mind fluff as well and just want that at times too. Just enjoy and take it easy, don't worry so much about things. (to everyone)
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