(Penis Envy Mushrooms) My first Psilocybin experience, over coming mental illness and anxiety.

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Eli Redwood
Stranger

Registered: 09/21/18
Posts: 3
Last seen: 4 years, 1 month

(Penis Envy Mushrooms) My first Psilocybin experience, over coming mental illness and anxiety.

#25681459 - 12/15/18 05:09 PM (7 years, 7 months ago)

I knew myself superficially, as most do. The first time I experienced mushrooms, it opened me. I merged with the entire universe, myself, with nature, with suffering, with grace and love. I overcame years of built up traumatic anxiety and depression in two hours. My mind was reorganized in a way that makes it much easier to take in information day to do. I was a binge eater gaining unhealthy weight everyday. I ate out of boredom, out of sadness, stress. I ate to celebrate and relax. I over ate and cultivated self pitty, anger, jealousy and rivalry. I did not take the time to do anything with all the information coming in to my head everyday. Awareness was not there. All of this changed very quickly however. I used mushrooms as a tool with the intention to experience ego death and overcome mental illness and as a result of that respect and intention... that's exactly what happened. It works with its user and it not an alkaloid with prepackaged effects. I experienced extreme, true, hallucinations that were a depiction of an intense deep phychoanalysis of my myself. Here's what happened in real time. I ask you to suspend disbelief and really consider the fabric of this all. Take this literally.

Its about 4:30 pm and we consume the mushrooms. They taste like garlic and blue cheese, they are so foul. I eat them with just a few pieces of popcorn to discuise the texture and it helps very little. These are a chubby species called Penis Envy. The taste is as crude as the name. We recieved them from my mother with very pure, possitive intentions. She is a fellow sufferer of anxiety and chronic depression, she wants to help me out of my mental predicament.
We have been told they are extremely strong in comparsion and most users attribute them to being four times as strong. I finish eating 2.5 grams and In my head i tell myself "Im sure something great is going to happen." My wife finishes eating her 1.5 gram dose and she is excited for the results. We both sit on the couch and wait for the effects to kick in. Passing time, we manage to talk about a few random things we had recently learned and researched before our consumption. All the while...a thought deep in my subconscious had already formed. An ideology that I practiced everyday. One I continued to ignore, run from and argue with. I had anxiety. "Oh no here it comes, this was a bad idea" I think.
About 30 minutes had passed and i wasnt having the best time. We agree that we should sit on our patio furniture on our apartment porch untill they start to "kick in". "I didnt feel anything yet but anxiety and increased worry" i thought.
We are now out on our porch, its about 5pm and its already pretty dim lighting outside as its middle of November, Its cold outside and i feel a little uncomfortable." I'll just wait till it kicks in" i think, "then ill be fine and wont be worried about anything starting." "More anxiety and anticipation are building in me minute after minute." My wife starts laughing at me! "You arent having fun haha!?" "No i exclaim, i dont feel anything. I dont see anything, I wish i hadnt done this." I was talking myself into an anxiety complex fast, which was routine of me. My wife replies with an expressionate, sincere tone, eyes very wide, "Oh honey im so sorry, do you wanna go inside?" "No we can stay a little longer outhere, im ok," i say.
We dont say anything to eachother for what feels like minutes. I begin to get a little lost in negitive thought and just then a neighbor walks by me. The sidewalk goes right between rowes of apartments. We are situated in blocks of four units in each big building. Lined up this way and facing each apartment building set up the same. Between the two square spaces in the complex where im at at, there are over 1,000 families. Everyone hears everyone and sees everyone and we all live very seperatly.
I look up to notice my neighbors gaze. I expect a hello and get nothing. I look into his eyes and see what i believe to be a beautiful creature, stuck in this weird, frantic, troubleshoot mode. He walks out of distance and I'm left with "his chill". The next neighbor walks by without a word. Neighbor after neighbor, all of them silently stuck in some wierd thing that had them rushing and objectifying the world. Seeing eachother as obstacles. "An atomic stew, full of molecules and energy avoiding one another to shy from reaction and new direction". I say this out loud and think wtf was that. People continue passing by and my feelings of seperateness and loneliness began to amplify. Cars are pulling up as people are getting home from work. Faster than is sensible, i come to the conclussion that, "i can feel the physical pressure of the environment. All the noises around me, so many people, its to much to deal with." i think. "Its overwhelming, to many sounds and stuff!"
My wife then asks me "are you ok, would you like to go inside now?" i reply, "yes, its cold, theres too many people, i need to get inside." We go inside and sit on the couch and we are rather untalkative. Eventullay she asks how i am and i tell her, "i feel sad, anxious and depressed. Nothing has kicked in yet." She begins hysterically laughing at me and i crack up with her in laughter! She slides from the couch and to the carpet floor where shes rolling with laughter. I can barely breath from how much im laughing. The whole room feels like its fuzzy, my body is getting hotter and hotter with more and more laughter. I feel my body is going to explode with orgasmic joy. Just then she stops laughing and she asks "Really?! You dont feel anything? You don't see anything?!" "No! I say. I don't think so haha." She looks in to my eyes and tells me she loves me so much. And that Im beautiful.
I begin to be overwhelmed with emotiom, it makes me so happy, and so sad. I feel so much love, i become emotional and begin to tear up. I tell her, "Im not crying, my eyes just keep pouring fucking water man! Haha" she lies down on the couch with me and hugs me, tells me she loves me again. I begin to feel this feeling, associated with a thought, "Im resisting her love, the love. Im not allowing my mood to change. Im practicing sorrow and negativity. I'm practicing this aweful, masculine form of mental objectification and control. Im practicing seperateness. Im living in the future. Theres only now! Now, Now! Why won't i just be happy and relax and love my wife. Its that simple. Come on man."
I cry for what feels like an eternity. We are facing eachother lying down on the couch. She finaly eases in to my lips in between my huffy breaths and kisses me. I close my eyes and sigh. Suddendly, theres a fire blazing everywhere behind my eyelids. I see a giant phoenix and fire shoots from its wings as it soars around me and my wife. Our kiss becomes passionate and intense. We are suddendly transported to a firey realm of doors and portals. We are standing about 20 feet away from one another and in between us is a big cicrle portal. "Im a square i think, i can't go down that circle. I won't fit. My wife urges me forward with a provocative come here motion. "I'll fall in." she urges me more some. She turns to fire form. Her whole body transforms into a gigantic divine goddess. Seven feet tall or more. Her hair is golden, long and whipping through the air as she moves with electric combustions. Her body is tall and nude. I can see she is made of molten lava, organic black matter and energy. She pulls me forward, "surrender!! let go of control!" A voice screams this in my head. I give in to her firey hot embrace and we begin to fall down this long long portal.
Our bodies are twirling circulary and picking speed up faster and faster as we plummit down this black abyss. Our souls rip from our bodies and emerge as hungry beasts and begin to chase eachother. They use our bodies as a space to run and chase one another, wrestle, and bite. They chase one another for for what feels like an eternity. Occasionally they rip apart, and explode in to an amazing display of colors that fill our dark tunnel and remind me im still falling.
Suddendly i open my eyes. "Woah! Wtf was that hahaha!?" we both slide to the ground and crack up hysterically. I can't belive how amazing i feel. I pause in my laugher, complete silence. "Wait! What is actually happening right now. What are the mushrooms even doing to us?!" Im in disbelief as i search my whole head in a second and come back with no ill feelings. " i was a mess a moment ago!" we throw our heads backs and cackle like hyenas for what feels like minutes. I lie back on the couch. A calm comes over me. I close my eyes. I see... My mind. It is dark and dense, full of so much unnecessary information.
On the discovery of this thought, the space of my mind explodes with white light. Walls are blown away and the space in my mind becomes limitless. Im suddenly standing there. In this big white room. "Wow, so this is what its like to have a clear peaceful mind? Wow!" I look above me to see my eyes behind my eyelids fill with water. I open them up and begin smiling. I dont understand quite whats happening, but at the same time i feel what is happening is explanation itself. Its real. Its truth. "This is not a silly drug. This is powerful."
I feel an amazing feeling of imense gratification to be able to think, to be able to be. I look down to the floor where my wife is hanging out with the cats. " woah" she exclaims with a smile, "I was like in the cat dimension haha!" we begin to laugh like children for some bit. I get a feeling that i can greater sense the percipitation in the environment. I share this thought out loud and it amazes us how wet the whole room is on our fingertips and skin. Before i knew it, intense hallucinations were all i seen.
Mayday mayday, boom! My whole body is blasted out of my head like a cannonball. I fly through my roof and sore through the sky. The night sky is so soft and gentle on my face as i swim through it effortlessly. Suddendly the speed picks up. I begin to change trajectory. Im going straight up at light speed now. I blast through the atmostpshere and emerge in space. All i hear is the satelite floating by me and the silence of everything around me. I float slowly through space, persistent in destination. There it is.
I land upon a big purple-red brain. I grab hold of it and squeeze it with my body. So hard it rips in to pieces. I grab hold of the pieces and rearange them in to a book case. "There it is I say." 'I', who is that?" the question floats with me through space.
I begin to examine my brain book case. There lies all my memories and workings of my mind. All of me, tons of books, so many labels and titles calling me this and that. The books go on for as far in to the cosmos as i can see. Then i catch a glimpse of one book that doesnt belong. Anxiety. I look at it in horror but I'm hungry for liberation...So, I grab it. I open it and read it. I can't believe it. Its just an idea. Its just a word. Its not real. This is my anxiety?!
Every time i reinvest in the idea that it is real, i make it so again. I reinvest in that complex. I do it because in some small part of the suffering cycle, lies a reward. And i bond with others over this sickness that haunts our society. We all invest in this illusion collectively. We diagnose and medicate over what!? Worrying? Living in the future? Its our minds biological response to an event weve labled dangerous. I cant live in and or control the future. There is only now. Now! My body is responding negitivly to a situation that i have manufactured in my mind. In that reality i invest in the idea that im a victim. I wake up everyday with anxiety on my back and carry it around like a friend. Sometimes im happy and doing ok and others say wow! You really have that anxiety of yours under control. I pat myself on the back. Other times i say oh your so sad about anxiety? I have that too! Lets dissolve boundaries and discuss. Ive inherited anxiety and practice it. Its seperate from me, its not me unless i want it to be. Only i can change this. I must connect and be relevant to myself and to others with love and real meaningful connection. If im practicing suffering, thats the space ive offered this creative being to be inspired by. No more.
I take the book and i throw it behind me. I grab a hold of depression and read that too. Huh, its when i am holding on to a different model of the world and trying to apply it where it isnt applicable. Instead of influencing my reality possitivly, i instead stay lazy, and invest in the easier path of self pitty where i get rewarded somewhere along the line. I took that book out and threw it behind me, in to the cosmos they went. I grabbed book, after book, after book untill all that was left was what i wanted to be there and what belonged rightfully to my being.
Suddendly Im on the couch, staring at myself. I can see myself in front of me, standing in my hallway. I look to the right, this is a little unbelievable i think. There on my right is another version of myself standing in the kitchen. I was dressed as though going to work. I was posing, bouncing up and down like an avatar in a character creation engine of some game. I begin to analyze the figure. His nervous tendancies, why he stands this way and dresses this way. The moment i make sense of an aspect of personality, or a nervous movement, i am forced to relive an aweful traumatic memory that is associated with a part of that personality trait. I realize that my own personality and identity are an illusion. I have been a series of defense mechanisms. I have been investing in the illusion of seperatness. I am not the person i am just because others gave me this name. I was much more. "I am. I am!" i say to myself. The words are great, heavy and true. Im flooded with emotion as i begin to disrobe my avatar in the kitchen. I take off my chef coat. You're not a chef because you use that word to describe yourself. Suddendly i was naked and free of personality and all habbits. I ask "Is this me?" No.
Who is this naked man, still not me. I said time for him to go. And layer after skin layer, ny body flaked away and detteriated untill the last speck was swept away with the wind. All i had left to interpret myself from was the universe. Everything that is everything. I must be that. I must be all the love and all the grace and suffering i say. Suddendly im flying through space again.
Going i think. I fly by everything in existance. I look below me to see every past life ive ever lived. I see myself in different boddies and genders, different time periods and places in the world, all my karmic experiences i had ever experienced. I get stuck in what feels like a time warp, here im reliving those lives over and over and over again. Death and birth, death and birth. I get as far as i can as a mortal, and then im forced to go back. I hold too many attachments to this realm and life currently. I have work to do.
Before i knew it, me and my wife were calling my mother to thank her for everything. Telling her how amazing she was, and how much we understand so many more things she had spoken about before. We thanked her for the mushrooms and for the experience. We got off the phone and looked at each Other. We both agreed. We didnt feel anything but amazing. We finally felt clear headed for the first time in as long as we could remember. I felt i had relaxed for the first time in my entire life. I am loving awareness i thought. This is not an intoxicating drug, this is medicine for the soul. I remembered who i was. I am a universe inside a person.
I said i will never be that old identity again. I got it from my parents, from school and friends, it was theres to control me with, its not me. Ive worked on it and tried to mold it to my liking my whole life, its not me. This is me, I am. I just am. I said im so clear, everything makes so much sense to me right now. I will practice this way of being. I will not practice suffering. Me and my wife talked all night about ourselves, our past, our experiences, and a corrupt broken governing system that did not work for us. We talked about how much we had realized we have seperated from nature. We are playing the role of a chef and a nail salon lady, not that of an animal in the worlds ecosystem. We had greater parts to play in the world than we had previsously commited. We will practice love and truth always. Love and truth.
We went to bed happy and when we awoke, our entire lives had changed. I usaully started my mornings off with neausa and vommiting. Shaking and terrible depressive thoughts. It would last a good hour till i amped myself up enough to get out the door and go to work. It progressivly got worse for years. When i woke up i felt hungry and alive. I felt open in a way i never had been before, i felt like i was capable of doing anything i set my mind to. That anyone is! I still feel this way today. I never came down from the bliss i still exist in today. I practice this state of being.
Soon after, i shared my experience with coworkers and others, then i quit my job. Me and my wife left the bay area of california to move to the mountains of northern california. We grow our own entheogens, veggies and hunt our own meat with bows and arrows. I am still blown away everyday by the immesnse power of this medicine. I expected some relief and a good time. Instead, i inherited a programming from the world of psilocybin, that forever changed my understanding of the way that i percieve reality. I feel it returned me to my loving, creative nature that had long been worn out of me. This was my first trip. I have had many more since then and would love to share with others that are intersted. Take care and one love.

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HulGil
Stranger

Registered: 12/19/18
Posts: 48
Last seen: 6 years, 7 months

Re: (Penis Envy Mushrooms) My first Psilocybin experience, over coming mental illness and anxiety.

[Re: Eli Redwood]
#25698440 - 12/23/18 02:33 PM (7 years, 7 months ago)

That sounds like an absolutely beautiful, and ego-shattering experience! I find it so cool that you have left the city and are now living something of a homestead lifestyle. Great report.