Another edit detail: I just remembered my roommate saw me open my phone once and I had straight porn open so I'm extra sure he assumes I'm heterosexual come to think of it, not that it matters but that's the situation I'm pretty sure
++ also I said 2 guys in 5 years not one year to him
TLDR: bi but flew gay flag for 10+ years not knowing how to categorize part time opposite sex attraction and now navigating issues of now "coming out" again
-roommate has no idea; dont care, does not matter either way, but I'm worried he will feel like I deceived him since we have talked about girls but I never brought up the extreme depth of my sexual involvement with my own gender
-trying to decide if worth dating girls vs just bang PRN
mostly worried because I'm bi enough I could do the wife and kids thing but I'm more physically attracted to men; I hate everything about "gay" except the homosexuality part as theres nothing wrong with it and it shouldn't matter, so part of me worries I'm setting myself up to really fuck over a nice girl and some really cool kids lives during the best parts, but I don't think I could be okay with marrying a guy and dumped someone I wanted to marry because of that
context, identity crisis, basic stats and sitrep
I dont fit the gay thing at all to the point I ended up in therapy about how I dont fit into my community and how I tried and tried (back then) to be gayer, got into clothes for like 2 years and pierced my ear and still nobody could tell etc
Then I had feelings for a girl for the first time in a LONG time a couple years back, and identity crisis ensues:
Mostly attracted to men, to the point I'm not attracted to women at all some, if not most of the time. To add contrast to this situation, take what I say at face value but also consider if someone was 100% gay 99% of the time and straight 1% of the time as it's possible I will land that way from talking to other nonstatic bisexuals. Over the last few years I've been 100% straight between 2 and 3 percent of the time, closer to 2% but CAN otherwise usually get off to guys and do usually. I'm not sure what percent of the time I'm 100% gay as sometimes I will just be in the mood to see guys and girls doing it and go straight to straight porn, or occasionally solo vag heavy stuff, but by default I look up gay stuff and most of the times I watched straight porn started off to guys and it wasn't quite scratching the whole itch or something. I'm also mostly attracted to vag when I am (most of their tits on ones where they're actually showcasing the girl rather than highlighting her being used sexually are fake anyway I'm pretty sure).
I notice girls in public maybe at 1 in 5 to 1 in 20 of people I notice, maybe less for some spans, but if I have any ego reason to want to this like quadruples so theres clearly some ego in the formulae determining my experience.
I've had a few, couple week phases where I was only attracted physically to women that happen every couple years
I had gone hard core with the gay identity but then the issues came up of okay am I really being my true self to everyone if I am not, strictly speaking, gay. I also like some straight porn and have almost always watched straight porn between a couple times a year to a couple times a week. I am pretty sure I have gone years watching only gay porn too but I cant be certain. I've found maybe a dozen straight ones I've ever downloaded as opposed to gigs of others.
I was really stressed out as I had felt the need to come out yet again almost a decade later as being "1% straight maybe " to a very few of my close friends as I wasn't sure what to make of it or how to acknowledge it. It was obviously confusing liking a girl romantically again, and obviously this ended up becoming literally an identity crisis since my label wasn't quite accurate.
Turns out tons of bi people "cycle" and it's totally normal and I was actually super relieved I can just call myself bi if it comes up and that be accurate and simple (as opposed to just simplifying with the gay label but then dealing with nuances... on a life long timeline, even if someone only wanted to fuck gender X 1% of the time, that's a lot of time spent wanting...). No need to explain things.
Plus I was already "flawed" as a gay guy for being basically a straight guy that gets hard over guys (this sounds prissy or dumb but even in the last couple years people have found out I'm "gay" and literally tried to fix me to be a good gay, e.g. oh well I'll get you involved in the community and help you be more fabulous etc). Its actually cool being a proper specimen of Y instead of an X with some things that don't fit; as little as that should matter, belonging is a lot more important for well being than I had noticed.
So theres that off my chest
roommate, selective expression of sexuality: am I being deceitful?
 I never lie about my sexual orientation if I can help it, which is why portraying my experience truthfully was important to me, however...
my roommate may have no idea i literally have only banged dudes so far
I had told him I have made out w 2 guys in the last year which is true (one bf, one clingy hookup) but that's out of 2 or 3 digits of same sex partners.
 sooo last night he mentioned that he is a virgin and I was like this is a good chance to talk about this so I mentioned that its semi secret now but used to not be but blah blah never had sex with a girl (as in all these people I've fucked are guys). Guess he's never heard me offhandedly mention banging someone in a gender neutral way, cause he goes "but you've hooked up with dudes" and I was like "but I've never had sex with a girl so I'm a virgin in that regard". I thought he meant our old coworkers might have mentioned me being "gay" and all and was like oh good he knows I've mostly done dudes, that I have interest in a girl, boom he can do the math.
But then 5 minutes later I realized he probably just thinks I'm a late 20s virgin who has kissed 2 dudes.
I don't care what people think except for if girls will be super turned off (bi is a turn off anyway tho) whenever I do push ahead in that camp. Roommate likes it, doesn't like it... dont care. At an emotional level he hates gay people (the group) overall even though we work with many and a couple are cool-ish kinda, which is fine because that's how I feel deep down anyway. But as a friend, I do:
-have fears from long ago that friends may not want to be as close or will put up barriers (see next)
-things like martial arts, popping someone's back, fighting... I sometimes meta worry they'd think the wrong idea after or feel different about it
-ultimately, I just like to be real and honest and I'm equally concerned that me being open about things relating to girls but not taking the initiative to bring up stories of guys I would have still told if it was with a girl is being deceptive
life itself and if either path would make me happy
I don't mind being gay (I'm still adjusting my self concept as I belong under bi but I am used to referring to myself this way, and I also use it to mean enjoying that practically/sexually) aka mostly gay most of the time but there are good and bad things about marrying either gender.
Bothering with girls has some overhead with it to, not to mention that they may actually be worse than gay men as far as crazy/stable goes in romance.
If I open that box, I know I'm going to be tempted to just do the wife and kids life but given my orientation, this would be like getting used to shrooms and then committing to only taking dxm for the rest of your life... you know?
That girl from a couple years ago was talking about me recently tho I found out thru her dad and we are just starting to poke jokes at each other every few weeks. She actually wanted to be able to have sex with other girls in exchange for her husband being able to bang other guys but they never agreed to it because he demanded that he be able to do other girls too so it would "be the same".
They ended up divorcing over other things around when I dumped this guy I almost proposed to 3 times but always chickened out (I may have dumped him for real after I found out about the divorce but I can't honestly remember if that was a factor). I made him delete 2 years of photos (he was super gay and really sweet/loving/sentimental so he was always sneaking pictures of us or me; it was true love both ways for sure) because I didnt want a bunch of pictures of me kissing a guy to exist even though I loved him, though I was falling out by the time we broke up).
I did end up going after her a little bit but I was kind of a fuck with too much drugs/not coping with the breakup already and I absolutely nailed giving her this necklace that was perfect for her... except she was already dating another guy so that was humiliating and then she started getting all insecure and hot/cold and called me gay and then ignored me for almost a year and a half.
That was much, much, much more humiliating. This girl is honestly life partner material otherwise though... when we first met years ago we talked for hours on the phone every day, often drinking, and then we thought we stopped but it turned out we just hadn't talked for a day or two and one or both of us was nervous the other was bored or mad and called while blackout drunk... from call logs we realized we had still been talking almost every day, we were just blacked out (her marriage was frustrating at the time and I was an alcoholic with no discernable excuse) which is romantic in such a trashy, small town way.
I had a dream about her 2 nights ago where it was just us hanging out and we decided to run off into the woods of a certain campground together and we were walking by a wooden wall and she looked at me and the optics aligned such that she was squinting at me smiling cause the sun was in her eyes but a rainbow was cast across her face (presumably hippies had put up prisms or something cause it wasn't raining) and lined up with the middle of her face when she was squinting at me and when she smiled a bunch of things about it lined up with her features.
I said wow or something cause it was just a fleeting moment during movement it lined up and I said you've got to do that again and I held her and lined her face up where the rainbow fit her features again and then we looked at each other for a couple seconds and her laughing faded into a smile and I woke up.
I've had a couple dreams about my ex too over the last year.5 and one dream about this girl in one of my classes that I clicked with a bit the other day but eh.
My ex was rarely in my dreams when we were together though I loved him and spent almost every day with him, but I dont remember if I dreamed of past boy and girlfriends when we were together or not so I'm not sure if this is significant.
That smile dream though felt like one of the ones I've had that ends up turning out to be a nexus of IRL things from people that are intertwined, which I've had with people relating to the institution I know her through before anyway (the hopi 'all dreams spin from the same web' way, not any sort of exotic mind/spirit new age concepts). The one of the other girl was very much a normal, go through my day dream.
IDK.
If I marry a guy I'll be uncomfortable on an extremely deep and smooth level, I'm pretty sure
If I marry a girl I'll be uncomfortable just below the surface but in a jagged way, I am pretty sure
Factor in dumping a guy during prime family starting years or even later with kids because it's not "me" vs divorcing a woman (legal eek) whom I would have both bio and foster/adopted kids...
This isn't a big deal but if I don't sort out my feelings and actions and pursue the wrong path because of my ego, I will be destroying more lives than my own, and much more severely than I normally ruin those who love me for life. Furthermore, it would involve things life pivots around: parents, family, upbringing, childhood, relationships
I wonder if the LSD thing really works to change orientation at all like in the 60s psychology literature. I'm sure for many it's a great trap door back into the closet but my sexuality already wanders around a bit... it would be amazing to be a static 50-50 (aka 100%-100%, enjoy all our species has to offer) bisexual.
plus God wants me to smash vag
Maybe I'll ask God. Which reminds me that I am semi involved (and have been extremely involved in the past) with one of the great extremely traditional religions of our species. This makes me worry I may allow additional pressure to guide me into girls if that might not have been how it was supposed to work out.
plus ego tangles all this; fool onesself
I avoided thinking about this until it became a matter of oook I more or less love this girl because since I don't fit in with gays or like the stereotypes or the culture, my ego would automatically maximize the hetero and minimize the homo but I've been evaluating the situation as "if we scaled all heteroclivities down 90%, would this still be relevant?" And its yes, though at this point I'm obviously dealing with this from a motivation of having the best life, being more authentic, and finding what I can live with long-term. Crank the religion back up though and I could totally see myself skewing my orientation or even lying. (I.e. Mormans, for example, often have legitimately gay guys marry women but obviously they are living as heterosexuals, not sd like "yeah bro I'm bi but man I just love this one chick"
outro ego miscalibration and confusion
For example, this happened within the last few weeks: went to a gay amateur pics page in reddit and was having trouble getting off, switched to mixed gender straight porn and bingo! End up using straight gangbang porn for a couple weeks (side note: noticed I was more vag fixated if I was high).
Then I was fapping later and was like man I'd really like to see those 2 dudes fuck each other instead so I added the ole /gayporn to the hubs domain and jacked off to gay stuff and then felt kind of dirty afterwards and the next time or two but hey, its what made my dick hard at the time and that's what I am there for. The fact it made me uncomfortable has me doing an inverted reverse gay scare thing tho, where it makes me question my heterosexual leanings (the fact that gays trying to compromise as bi is a very common trope may be feeding into this).
Then I got high and had this "omg I'm going to ruin a girl and my future progeny's lives!" Moment where I was thinking about how I've been starting to pursue girls again while staying in an "open concept closet" if you will, and at the forefront of my mind was just this alarm going "are you really doing this?" And that happened twice.
And I cant tell if it's my worry like I explained manifest, or if its that I've been hiding part of myself, or if it's actually my inner mind going "you're about to fuck everything up life-wise over not liking liking dick" which is obviously my biggest fear. My biggest guilt is that hiding/avoiding discussing the gay part feels deceitful, but hiding the girl part felt deceitful a couple years ago hence even opening this can of worms, so yeah.
I think its probably a bit of both as obviously I don't like gay stuff one bit (though having an extra sex life is fucking awesome + other inherent perks) but at the same time it became enough of an issue I decided do deal with changing banners and all this and I simply have no way to refute the things I've been attracted to and orgasmed to or been unable to orgasm to so as nice as it would be to just be able to know I'm physiologically committed to men and figure out how to deal with that, I'm having trouble with this interplay between having to deal with mostly that AND this situation with this girl and my ex and my roommate and whatnot. Since you only marry 1 in theory, sexual orientation has always meant which gender you'd marry (bi=idk/whichever). Since I am predominantly homosexual, thinking about marrying a woman literally computes as "switch teams" and I'd like to for several reasons, but knowing my own circuitry frankly just reveals evidence of ego bias and exposes things that reinforce that introspection can be violently swayed if something nonstatic but with fixed parameters is egodystonic...
If you read this, fuck... thanks! Please let me know if you have any input.
-That girl still has the same boyfriend but I don't know the situation on the ground.
-My ex lives in another state now; I missed him again recently but have been otherwise over him for a while except for the affection that wanting to spend forever with leaves
-I find myself playing out a situation where I have a failed heterosexual marriage and then go find him and live happily ever after in my head when I consider the precariocity of these timelines the instant kids hit.
Edited by Anonymous (10/25/18 04:01 PM)
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I simply just think that is the best answer I have for you. I am glad you got to vent though. That is the most important part 
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