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bandito furioso

Registered: 04/03/02
Posts: 1,197
Loc: bottom of the noob barrel
Of human skeletons on ebay. (Rather dark scene)
    #2555185 - 04/13/04 04:46 PM (17 years, 6 months ago)

Noting the market for human remains  on ebay

I somehow wrote this scene during dinner last night:

A man sits at a chess table next to a path that runs through a suburban park. The chess pieces are arranged on the table, prepared to play. A second man, apparently out for a jog and unused to it, come wheezing down the path.

Jaspet: Hey man?nice skeleton.

Ogden: uhh?thanks.

Jaspet: (motions towards the chess board) Care to play a game?

Ogden: (hesitates) Alright, I could use a break. But I warn you that I?m not very good.

Jaspet: That?s alright, neither am I.

They begin play.

Jaspet: Think you?ll need it much longer?

Ogden: Need what?

Jaspet: Your skeleton.

Ogden: Well it does support my body.

Jaspet: Right, but once you no longer have a body in need of support. What then?

Ogden: I?m not planning to die anytime soon, I?m only 47.

Jaspet: Well that?s at least half way through already?I might offer you a contract.

Ogden: I?m sorry, contract for what?

Jaspet: (Reaching for Ogden?s arm with a tape measure) Why the sale of your skeleton my good sir. Egads, your forearm must be two feet long!

Ogden: (Pulling his arm away) Stop that! What would you want my skeleton for?

Jaspet: Oh they?re very good educational aids. The children learn so much from having a real human skeleton in the classroom. You know, sitting it in a chair posed with a cigar and such.

Ogden: Well as I said, I?m feeling quite healthy, and intend to use it for many more years.

Jaspet: Well now that?s fine friend, I wouldn?t want to you give up anything you still have use for. Tell me, are you an organ donor?

Ogden: Not yet but I plan to?

Jaspet: This is just the same! Donate your skeleton to the noble cause of education.

Ogden: Uhh well?

Jaspet: I have the paperwork right here. (Produces paper.)

Ogden begins reading it over.

Ogden: ?License to lime soak party?s cadaver.? What?s this?

Jaspet: Well we?ve got to get the meat off you somehow old chap. Really, its a standard contract.

Ogden: What should I fill in for ?contingency fee??

Jaspet: Zero will do nicely.

Ogden: Wait a minute, do you normally pay for these?

Jaspet: You?re making a donation to science my good man, to humanity. Isn?t that payment enough?

Ogden: Well if I?m making a donation then I want a tax write off. I assume you?ll provide a receipt for the full value?which is?

Jaspet: Oh I?d say a specimen like yours would run about $500 at current market price.

Ogden: I didn?t know we were talking about that kind of cash! Maybe I?ll keep it and sell it myself.

Jaspet: You?d be lucky to get half that for a single unit my friend. I?m able to get the price I mentioned because of my years in the business and reputation as a reliable supplier.

Ogden: The how about you pay me $250 and sell it for $500.
Jaspet: Fine, fine, fill it in as the contingency fee.

Ogden fills in the form.

Jaspet: Now sign here and?here.

Ogden signs.

Ogden: Okay, where?s my check?

Jaspet: The money is provided on receipt of the goods, that?s the contingency.

Ogden: What? Provided to who? I?ll be dead by then?

Jaspet: Yes, you can specify a beneficiary individual or charitable organization on the back of the contract.

Ogden: Nuts to that. Charity is a scam and there?s nobody I want to leave anything to.

Jaspet: Really?nobody to miss you? Well I?d be willing to hold the sum?in your name of course.

Ogden: No dice, I want the cash now.

Jaspet: (Sighs dramatically) I can?t possibly pay $250 up front for possible delivery in the future. What if you outlive me? What if your body is lost at sea? What if you?re hit by a truck and the right side of you ribcage is crushed? Whose bones do I get then? Not your lawyer?s, that?s for sure.

Ogden: You?re a fair bit younger than me. I doubt I?ll outlive you.

Jaspet: Hmmm?any medical problems?

Ogden: Now that you mention it?my back hurts when I get up in the morning.

Jaspet: But nothing life threatening?

Ogden: I dropped a ladder on my foot while installing a satellite dish, the doctors still thing gangrene is a possibility.

Jaspet: Gangrene? What is this, the civil war? You?ll be fine.

Ogden: It hurt quite a bit, I lost my toenail.

Jaspet: Well yes, I don?t mean to undermine the pain you went through, but what I?m really looking for is heart conditions, gas huffing habits and the like.

Ogden: I smoke cigarettes?

Jaspet: Well that?s grand, for how many years?

Ogden: Around twenty five.

Jaspet: Hmmmm, perhaps a small prepayment would be possible.

Ogden: Well then, what can you give me?

Jaspet: Fifty dollars. (Pulls out a bill)

Ogden: That?s all?

Jaspet: Hey, it?s better than what most suckers get for it. You?re a skilled negotiator; I don?t usually pay up front.

Ogden: It is better than nothing I suppose.

Jaspet: That?s the spirit! We?ll just amend the contract, sign here.

Ogden signs.

Jaspet: Very good, (hands the 50 to Ogden) shall we drink to our arrangement? (Produces a flask)

Ogden: Sounds good.

Jaspet: (pours drinks from flask) Care for a cigarette?

Ogden: Thank you. (Takes and lights cigarette, drinks)
Ogden: What is this? It tastes like Amaretto?

Jaspet: Special blend, I mix it myself.

Ogden: Aren?t you thirsty?

Jaspet: Oh I never drink first, a silly neurosis of mine. (Sips lightly at his drink)

Ogden: (finishes drink) Well mister??

Jaspet: Jaspet.

Ogden: Well Mr. Jaspet, it?s been a pleasure, if a little odd, doing business with you. I suppose now you?ll be watching the obituaries for me.

Jaspet: I?ll be watching the papers for a while yes.

Ogden: (stands somewhat shakily) should I leave you my address?

Jaspet: That won?t be necessary.

Ogden: What?do you? mean? (He is flushed and grasps at a tree for support)

Jaspet: (smiles benignly) I?m quite good at my business.

Ogden seems about to speak, then topples forward, knocking the chess pieces off the board. He lies still in the grass, face down.

Jaspet pours his drink back into the flask, closes the top and sets it in the left breast pocket of his jacket. He steps over the corpse and kneels to remove the $50 bill from its back pocket. Then, whistling merrily, he proceeds down the path, dragging the corpse behind him by the feet.


I know what he wants: a drag of smooth tobbacco blended with the finest Turkish Turkweed. Here, have a toke on me you dumb beast.

Edited by KthxBye (04/13/04 04:48 PM)

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Registered: 10/11/02
Posts: 7,571
Loc: Hyperspace
Last seen: 10 years, 5 months
Re: Of human skeletons on ebay. (Rather dark scene) [Re: KthxBye]
    #2556741 - 04/13/04 10:06 PM (17 years, 6 months ago)

then he makes a fortune on ebay with ogden's tar-filled left lung

Insert an "I think" mentally in front of eveything I say that seems sketchy, because I certainly don't KNOW much. Also; feel free to yell at me.
In addition: SHPONGLE

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