Ive made some friends AFK from this site. some of them know this story, some know snippets, most have seen me bear physical pain or no obvious reason.
some wonder why i seem like i am a shred psychotic sometimes.
To all my friends, when ive fucked up, call me out, i will fix the mistakes to your satisfaction, and/or walk away
to all those I wished to bring the world up with, it may be a delusion of grandeur, though I am making good progress on it
to all i have hurt, used harsh words with, was insensitive, spoke cruelly or mistrusting, i beg for forgiveness. please find it in your heart to forgive me. I am usually not my best.
the following story is, mostly, why
October 20something 2014 i took two sour patch kids of LSD
Id had confusing and hard, even paranoid trips before, and even mildly injured myself before on psychedelics. I had wonderful and powerfully psychologically positive trips before.
the week before i took mushrooms with my high school love and had one of the best nights of my life.
this morning wasnt gonna be that. No good reason not to trip, except for that small....... feeling you get before..... something.
whatever, just nerves. should smoke weed then dose. still a lil anxious.
so i eat my two candies, and after chewing and under the tongue, swallowing
i get a thought. not a gut feeling. just a note. today will be catastrophic.
i lold. guess ima see some CRAZY SHEIT. like the time on DOM i saw a faceless man run after my friends beamer, then seeing trolls buy snacks at APLUS before they got in their orange plymouth.
not so
so i rode my bike, smoked, talked to friends. others at the park were tripping in a circle. i wanna see them. i sit down, chat, someone tells me im talking too much so i say ill go for a walk
i walk to the edge of the park, and the static starts to build
i wanna turn my head left to see if..
i cant stop turning my head, why wont it go forward.
pop, my jaw dislocates snap, jaw socket powders, tendon in left side breaks,
like nothing else, the chain reaction
tendons break, muscles tear, for every one, ten are stretched or sprained into red hot pain. all inside ten seconds. head to foot, everything hangs like rubber or is being pulled to the point of tearing or snapping
i yell out, my mouth is hung open like a something with a dislocated left jaw with no tendon left. Disintegrated, doc told me months later
i throw myself onto a log bench to try not to fall, im writhing, begging, dying. im not gonna die today, im going to suffer like i have never suffered before or thought possible, short of somebody torturing me. DID i just torture me?
Guilt, shame, regret, all the lies, tricks, underhanded moves, cruelty, this is not justice for them, this is the invitation to a lifetime of justice for every hurt you ever caused or will cause
the pain turns from fire of pulled muscles to the sting of shredding tendons.
i limp back to the circle, my knee buckling, hips buckling, someone sees me and looks terrified. i try to sit down and talk to calm myself. that guy tells me to shut up again. i flee in shame and terror.
after this, i remember wandering AIMLESSLY for hours around my building, eventually make it to my room. I writhe, cry, beg, moan, try to settle myself. deep into the night, hours after i get into my room, the red hot starts to turn into my hospital bed.
wake up from the stinging, drugs wore off, not the psychosis, not the pain, not the snapped tendons, stretched ligaments, spiraling vertebrae, broken jaw. I am badly injured, i stay in my room for three days and smoke weed, after a week i get medical. i still cant look my mom in the face. this is my fault. i disabled myself with karma.
regret, shame, two months in bed, anger like never before. I am hostile. i want to die, I am depressed but thats NOT why.
the spasms never end, i have baby attacks like the first one. every few days i pull another muscle, dislocate a vertebrae, pull a tendon
i want to die because every second of every day I feel unbearable pain which has disabled me. i cant focus for more than a minute. please god just kill me so i can stop suffering. I beg every night to die or for a miracle because i have no options
steroids, other pills, 10 percent better after three months, i can walk, i cant socialize well. im a twitching emotional wreck.
my love starts to distance from me. Im not the same man to her. i cant fuck, i cant talk rationally, how can i even be a friend around the friends. it took a year, eventually we stop talking
physical therapy at four months, quitting the pills, eating mostly organic vegetables, walking, I dont wanna die but im disabled and I feel irresponsible working for anyone. start eating cannabis oil. making a few friends.
i get a job on the organic farm i buy food. boss im slow, ill try my best.
a man takes me under his wing. we work hard, as fast as we can, i smoke dabs at lunch to keep stamina,
every week my body is healing, except for my vertebrae which routinely misalign even to this day. thats why im up typing this at 230 grenich mean, my timezone. im 75-80 percent healed in all faculties.
through the season i push, and by the end I am the only on our team who didnt quit on the boss. not just a reason to live as they leave, but a motivation to thrive for my own family and my bosses.
the last few days, he tells me that i was the reason he broke even in 2015. i kept him from going under. I still try to remember this
I take time to travel, i come back and make a mess of romance and money for six months. I end up homeless on the west coast. some friends periodically take me in. I eventually fly home for moms birthday on her request
parents dont like assholes with no money. I consider hustling, and when my dad realizes, he chews me out. i tell him i never needed money, i did fine without it. i give away my last thousand dollars to the city homeless. the last guy of the night gets a hotel on a rainy night and a hundred cash.
my parents are trying to separate, no peace in the house. no money, im dumb, I run to Maine for winter, fuck you mom and dad. I get in huge messes. I end up coming back home with a cold heart.
I fuck up a volunteer position at a professional training institute. I work at shoprite for 200 dollars a week.
then a dying woman offers me a job petsitting. I already know how to garden, so I make flyers and put them up, craigslist, neighborhood newspaper.
Im making fifty dollars on three hour days, a hundred dollars on six hour days, a hundred and fifty, even 200 dollars a day sometimes. every time i leave the house for work i make atleast 20 dollars, sometimes in less than an hour CASH, fuck shoprite.
I have some good trips. Im not perfect, Im striving.
The last homeless guy quits heroin, moves in w his mom, gets certified for his old job, then works, then buys his own house, gets married and has a daughter. we stay in touch and dab on different flavors, SHERBS IN THE BURBS
i use that job to jumpstart one business that failed, and one I am working right now.
the damage is still there 20 percent, I am not letting it define me. i am not a monster. Ive made mistakes and been cruel. I am human.
maybe this year I become a Millionaire, god willing, I will use as much as possible to benefit the poor, the sick, the desperate, those who I can be the difference for in a way that lasts past me and maybe after me. that is my prayer.
Guys i love you. be careful in life, eyes open, no fear, always sense and caution.
-------------------- To A Good Life, And A Better One
|