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PurpleHaz
The Fool on the Hill



Registered: 06/18/15
Posts: 393
Loc: North
Last seen: 2 years, 11 months
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Manic Depressive About to Leave
#25464407 - 09/16/18 12:28 PM (5 years, 7 months ago) |
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I'm literally sitting here thinking about just walking away and never talking to anyone around me again. Keep walking and forgetting until I am in a different Province/country
I've been feeling this way ever since my last LSD trip in January. I just cry until I can barely see whats in front of me and I just keep hyperventilating.
Hating myself, I keep attacking myself with "Kill yourself, Its time. There is no fixing this." "I fucked up. I hate myself. You want to get married?"
I seriously have no friends right now and I keep thinking of new reasons to throw these people away. I just messaged my little brother asking if he has any friends I could borrow a gun from. . I keep having outbursts (extreme psychotic anger, manic depression) I don't want to end up in prison wishing I had just killed myself.
It doesn't help I keep replaying this song
-------------------- Remember: "Life's a fucking trip. But this Acid Isn't real." "I've never gotten myself into anything remotely dangerous using Psychedelic drugs. . . . Does hoping a fence and hugging a bunch of cows count?" -ME Smoking Cannabis on Acid is like putting water to a Hotplate. DON'T SMOKE WEED EVERYDAY! NATURE IS GOD!
BECAUSE I LOVE YOU
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PurpleHaz
The Fool on the Hill



Registered: 06/18/15
Posts: 393
Loc: North
Last seen: 2 years, 11 months
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Re: Manic Depressive About to Leave [Re: PurpleHaz]
#25464508 - 09/16/18 12:59 PM (5 years, 7 months ago) |
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" Whoever you are, wherever you are, whatever your circumstances: you have family and maybe they don’t get along with you right now but it would hurt them if you suddenly weren’t there. Life might be painful—in fact, I’m sure it is, because, in the immortal words of Westley: “Life is pain,” but together we will endure it, get through it, overcome it and become better than we imagined we could be.
I’ve done it this far. So can you. "
Thats the thing, 'You've' done it. Everyone is different. No one seems to understand that. Just keep giving me advice you'd give yourself, dumbfucks. It seems like all my life things have fucked up because I was me, no dad, no money, no support, scum of the earth taking advantage of me and now I've been spoiled. I know everything I've been doing wrong but Its a cycle, I just want to die sooner.
And Fuck my family. They've seemed better off without me. Ignore me and my own mother knows about my suicidal outlook and my drug use but doesn't return my calls. My little brother has been growing up, girlfriend, new life, less me. My dad was never around. I don't have friends who help me. I hate because of this, I notice them change the topic because they don't give a shit.
I've told my boss I'm suicidal and depressed and literally got no response. . This life is going to keep rolling along.
-------------------- Remember: "Life's a fucking trip. But this Acid Isn't real." "I've never gotten myself into anything remotely dangerous using Psychedelic drugs. . . . Does hoping a fence and hugging a bunch of cows count?" -ME Smoking Cannabis on Acid is like putting water to a Hotplate. DON'T SMOKE WEED EVERYDAY! NATURE IS GOD!
BECAUSE I LOVE YOU
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crackbaby
shitpost aficionado



Registered: 08/31/15
Posts: 13,064
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Re: Manic Depressive About to Leave [Re: PurpleHaz]
#25467830 - 09/17/18 05:52 PM (5 years, 7 months ago) |
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hang in there, brother. I stumbled upon this post kinda randomly. You might want to post in the physical/mental health forum to receive better support...
I remember crying uncontrollably during my first acid trip and for many of the days of the month following it as it was such a shattering experience, so i can somewhat relate to what you describe. Depression has been an ongoing struggle for me and runs on my mom's side of the family, and if it wasn't for anti-depressants i probably would have offed myself a while back. They can be a useful tool for helping to pull your life out of a rut, and you can ween yourself off of them fairly easily once inner/outer conditions settle down (as i've done many times through the years). If it's feasible for you maybe you can consult with a doctor to figure out what might work best.
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icetech



Registered: 08/21/17
Posts: 3,450
Loc: FSM's loving noodles.
Last seen: 6 months, 22 days
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Re: Manic Depressive About to Leave [Re: crackbaby]
#25469954 - 09/18/18 01:19 PM (5 years, 7 months ago) |
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Purp.. you sound exactly like i used to me.. I started microdosing and that shit all went away almost instantly... and full trips and microdosing are 2 totally different things that do not act at all alike at least to me and friends that have done it. I still do every tuesday and thursday.. 7ug and my brain stops fucking with me..
Just remember there is a tomorrow and it is sometimes better. I dealt with it for 35 years..
P.S. lsd of course.. shrooms didn't help jack for me.. and just fyi... telling people you hate yourself and don't want to exist doesn't help, only you can fix you.. so kick the depression in the fucking ass..
I used to love being manic-depressive.. the manic times are amazing. as i got older it seemed i rarely got the good side anymore though.
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Edited by icetech (09/18/18 01:21 PM)
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PurpleHaz
The Fool on the Hill



Registered: 06/18/15
Posts: 393
Loc: North
Last seen: 2 years, 11 months
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Re: Manic Depressive About to Leave [Re: icetech]
#25478403 - 09/21/18 04:18 PM (5 years, 7 months ago) |
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I just wanted to reply back and say I didn't mean anything bad directed at anyone here in my posts. . These were rants against brick-wall situations and people who WILL never get it. . .
Feeling better by steadily applying myself while actually not thinking about what others think.
There ARE new concepts I can tell myself. Keep shifting my consciousness BUT not allowing outside force to control me.
Thanks for the Input 
Here's some Dopamine **** (I appreciate it)
-------------------- Remember: "Life's a fucking trip. But this Acid Isn't real." "I've never gotten myself into anything remotely dangerous using Psychedelic drugs. . . . Does hoping a fence and hugging a bunch of cows count?" -ME Smoking Cannabis on Acid is like putting water to a Hotplate. DON'T SMOKE WEED EVERYDAY! NATURE IS GOD!
BECAUSE I LOVE YOU
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Love_spirit
Circle Of Power


Registered: 07/18/15
Posts: 1,208
Last seen: 11 months, 13 days
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Re: Manic Depressive About to Leave [Re: PurpleHaz]
#25478463 - 09/21/18 04:39 PM (5 years, 7 months ago) |
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Getting a dog can make a big difference.A good choice especially when homeless. It's hard to find a person that isnt a fair weather friend. Its awful when the shit hits the fan and friends and family just wash their hands of you.
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PurpleHaz
The Fool on the Hill



Registered: 06/18/15
Posts: 393
Loc: North
Last seen: 2 years, 11 months
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Re: Manic Depressive About to Leave [Re: Love_spirit]
#25478472 - 09/21/18 04:42 PM (5 years, 7 months ago) |
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Oh good Idea! But I've already got 1 doge and 10 kitties. . . No seriously
Edited by PurpleHaz (09/21/18 04:42 PM)
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icetech



Registered: 08/21/17
Posts: 3,450
Loc: FSM's loving noodles.
Last seen: 6 months, 22 days
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Re: Manic Depressive About to Leave [Re: PurpleHaz]
#25478601 - 09/21/18 05:34 PM (5 years, 7 months ago) |
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Quote:
PurpleHaz said: I just wanted to reply back and say I didn't mean anything bad directed at anyone here in my posts. . These were rants against brick-wall situations and people who WILL never get it. . .
Feeling better by steadily applying myself while actually not thinking about what others think.
There ARE new concepts I can tell myself. Keep shifting my consciousness BUT not allowing outside force to control me.
Thanks for the Input 
Here's some Dopamine **** (I appreciate it)
No problem man.. people that don't deal with this themselves really can't understand how bad it is.. nothing worse than someone that says "i get sad sometimes" .. i have had those times also and i vent and feel stupid after.. but kind of have to..
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