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OfflineJameZTheNewbie
The Mahatma OfZalu

Registered: 05/24/02
Posts: 736
Loc: pass the gates of hell 2 ...
Last seen: 1 year, 10 months
depressing writing
    #2538024 - 04/08/04 03:59 AM (12 years, 7 months ago)

heres a song i wrote thats kinda depressing. let me know wut you think.

Incomplete is my life ,is my heart,
is my knife ,
when I stab , just blood more and more blood,
all it does is run ,no more life, no more pain, its all the same, all just plane ,
and I feel like a half ,just one half ,the other which I lack , in my mind I cant unwind, im all infused, im always confused ,
and its ok because I drain all life im just a parasite a parasite...

coughhhh


--------------------
Mice have feelings


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InvisibleLeViTY
I missed theark.

Registered: 10/10/02
Posts: 1,988
Loc: CA
Re: depressing writing [Re: JameZTheNewbie]
    #2538038 - 04/08/04 04:05 AM (12 years, 7 months ago)

I like the repitition. I don't like the usage of the word "blood" though. I think there's a better way you could express yourself.


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OfflineMuppet
Nomadic Jester
Male User Gallery

Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 08/14/02
Posts: 28,785
Loc: (523) 327-2836
Last seen: 5 years, 10 months
Re: depressing writing [Re: JameZTheNewbie]
    #2538153 - 04/08/04 05:41 AM (12 years, 7 months ago)

*plain


(plane = a vehicle designed for air travel)


--------------------


:craven:  Ravings of a Madman  :craven:


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Offlineshaggy101
Male

Registered: 08/17/00
Posts: 1,816
Loc: ..still waiting for godot
Last seen: 3 years, 8 months
Re: depressing writing [Re: JameZTheNewbie]
    #2541225 - 04/08/04 11:19 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

nice.
dude poetry is wierd, for the life of me I cant seem to get a simple flowing rythm like you got there
..some people got it
and some (me) dont :smirk:

heres what I mean

Down drive

fuck this shit
start it over
no return
the haze fills my eyes
sick of it
sick of you
slit my wrists
i'll slit you too
pain
the pressure builds
get of
get the fuck away
blood on me
no one to save me
forgotten I am
and never remembered
my vision is red
the haze returns
only one true solution..


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InvisibleKthxBye
bandito furioso

Registered: 04/03/02
Posts: 1,197
Loc: bottom of the noob barrel
Re: depressing writing [Re: JameZTheNewbie]
    #2543001 - 04/09/04 12:30 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

bueno
Not much rhymes with life except knife eh?
fife...uhh rife...

here's my contribution, written over the course of several classes when I should have been doing something else

on your back
on the rack
discipline
its what I lack
pile your worries in a stack
now they're on the way to track...

you

down

heard a sound
death's for sale, its by the pound
newfound glory of the story
is there's nothing to be found...
...in life
bring the knife
think its time we had some strife...
...so cut
to the bone
all that matters when your stoned
is ham
burning sand
there's no safety in the land
from the pigs
get your digs
stolen beer and rancid ciggs
at your tomb
I consume
purple hearts and red ballons
all the things you would subsume
to-night
are they right
ask the hangman of your plight
buy your ticket, catch a flight
sitting still with all your might
now we're there
cut you hair
change your name and find a lair
no it isn't really fair
no its not polite to stare
so listen in
on the wind
drink your gin and make your spin
elderberries make you thin
mix with sprite
take a hike
happiness is in your sight
sit and watch crustaceans fight
now we wander through the night

and the sky is filled with light :wexican:


Edited by KthxBye (04/09/04 12:54 PM)


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OfflineJameZTheNewbie
The Mahatma OfZalu

Registered: 05/24/02
Posts: 736
Loc: pass the gates of hell 2 ...
Last seen: 1 year, 10 months
Re: depressing writing [Re: KthxBye]
    #2560816 - 04/14/04 09:04 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

awesome !!!


--------------------
Mice have feelings


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