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Registered: 06/13/18
Posts: 14
Last seen: 5 months, 22 days
~5.25 grams shrooms. Horrifying Solipsistic Despair
    #25342462 - 07/23/18 03:59 PM (2 years, 9 months ago)

Previously having done ~3.4 grams before I decided to do a hero's dose of 5.25 grams this time with the same friend watching after me. I grind up my shrooms in a coffee grinder then mix it with some lime juice. I take it 15 minutes later after mixing with some juice.

Things started off cool enough for the first couple of hours. I watched some Through the Wormhole then the Disney Alice in Wonderland. Fractals and typical visuals and good times.

Not sure exactly when this happened but I try to use the bathroom once and I was looking for the light but I just couldn't find it and he ask "do you need help? ".....yes" he comes and turns the lights on and I smile and he closes the door on me and I seem to just be watching myself use the bathroom, but I managed to pee just fine without any help, albeit sitting down.

My friend starts getting tired and fell asleep on the floor after I was no longer able to share the couch that I kicked him off of. I had closed my eyes and stopped watching the TV and was watching the show inside of my eyelids, but eventually the music stopped, I missed it but I wasn't really able to express that well.

He gets up and wants to head to bed and ask me if I'd be ok. I said I'd be fine and I thought I would since I was doing ok enough. So he went to bed but didn't think to queue anything up for me to watch, instead just his creepy (even when sober) desktop wallpaper.

My memory starts to get pretty bad at this point, I can't remember where he went. Though he calls in about 15 minutes after leaving asking if I'm still good. Being fine during those moments I heard his voice I replied "yeah".

He ask again later on when I actually wanted him to come back but I think I just replied "yeah" to his question again out of reflex or something. He falls asleep and I can hear him snoring in the next room. I still remember that I took shrooms and think "ok, I can hear him but I can't see him" and decide that the blanket on the floor was actually my friend but I wasn't seeing him right.

As time goes on I get more confused and there is enough light coming from the tv to keep me in the now very stagnant room. I become worried that my friend didn't exist and that I made him up. Later becoming more confused I still recognize who's apartment this is and can't decide if I made up my friend or if I was my friend and I made up me as him. I quite quickly from here start to think I might have made up all my friends and in fact the entire universe to escape the horror of being completely alone with nobody and nothing else in reality besides my confused consciousness.

I try to stay calm, I realized I am confused but am forgetting why. No my friend is real, he's that blanket on the floor. I find this reassurance less comforting every moment. I'm no longer aware of my body and cannot call out, all I see is the couch I'm on, the AC and the desktop wallpaper.

I can no longer convince myself that reality isn't just an illusion I created for myself and it was breaking down, I try to build it back, I even try to make realities from scratch, I try to make a universe like this one but where I have prototype powers. That fails. I try to make a fantasy universe with magic and fun creatures. Failed again. A universe with space travel and fantastic technology.

(I don't think about it at this point but later on when sober I do: I've abandoned one of my core values: never take a comforting lie over the truth. I don't blame myself in this extreme circumstance that I perceived at the time.)

I'm becoming more and more worried, I'm alone in the universe and I've lost the ability to delude myself otherwise. Getting worse still I lose all language, I can't order my thoughts or think abstract thoughts too well. I forget who I am where I came from, what humans are. I get a flash of the words "baby" and "evolution" but I quickly lose them. I now find I only have 3 words "language" (the name of the road where I grew up) but I didn't know what it means now, and a nonsense word that meant nothing but I thought it had a meaning I forgot, I kept saying the nonsense word in my head, trying to focus, to remember the meaning to bring back language.

I fail but I remember the word language, and I remember what it means. I start to lose even the sound of how language is said but I remember the meaning. (all without actual words or  language)  "OH no! I made up language as well, no one was real so why would language to speak to others be real!"

I can't remember anything at this point, I see the monitor with the creepy background and shortcuts on the desktop but I don't understand. I see the AC but I don't understand. I see the couch now and only the couch any don't understand. This is reality, a confused couch with anhedonia is the only thing in the universe. Didn't things used to be different? Aren't they going to be different again? No I made it all up. (don't die....)

An eternity seems to pass with the time dilation on top of having no memory and thus reference for time to begin with. I spend what in reality was probably just short of 3 hours like this.

I start to remember faces and voices of my friends again, and despair fully now remembering the great illusion that I had lost that were my friends that I love so dearly. If only they could be real, I would be so grateful, I wish one of them was real and here now and could hug me. Language had started to come back, not fully but I could grab at random words now and then to help direct my own thoughts. "language" "friends" "help" "illusion" "lie" "hug"

I start to come back more, I want change badly. I manage to stand. I've done this before I stood once,an eternity ago! Still confused but better, there was change, change was so much better than the stagnation. I struggle to put the pillows and cushions back on the couch, that's how they are supposed to be right?

It's cold, so cold, the AC is on and the fan is on, and I understand and I have language again, but I can't find the remotes for them to turns them off and I don't remember that they can be operated with buttons directly on them. I give up, and lay on the couch again and get under the blanket.

Eventually my friend wakes up and calls out from the other room: "Hey are you still ok?"  His words seem to fully sober me now, I reply "I wasn't for a while but I think I'm ok now" "Why didn't you say anything? "I didn't have language." A slight over simplification of the situation but it conveyed enough.

He came out and I wanted to cry and I wanted to hug him but I knew it would make him uncomfortable so I refrained from both.

As much as reality can suck I was more than grateful to have it back, it could be so much worse, it could be absolute nothingness for eternity while still being aware of it. My friends and my mother, the most dearest people in the world to me, they are real and I can converse with them and it's the best thing. I have language again and I not only communicate with my friends but order my thoughts and process the most abstract of ideas again. I know who I am, my sense of self and ego, also one of the most valuable things I have that I often take for granted.

My strongest instinct returns in full now:my will to live, to not die, to keep my continuity of consciousness from ever permanently fading out, and with it my death anxiety, my anxiety of my own mortality. If things keep going as can be reasonably predicted one day I will die and will be lost from all existence not even as a confused couch... but for today I am alive, and I look forward to talking to my friends again... and perhaps if I did make reality up as a consciousness alone in the universe in his own mind and lies to protect himself from the solipsistic horror that I've come to know the the last few hours then perhaps I can't die I will simply return to another illusion later or a fate worse then death as a lone being in a universe of nothing and barely even his own thoughts as he loses language again.

Funny thoughts but I do know reality, I took shrooms and lost track of it for a bit, death is creeping up on me and will come to take everything again forever this time if I don't find some means of immortality.

Push these thoughts aside for now... focus ... I have friends and I can speak to them.... I love them... don't die...

Edited by SilverSand (09/27/18 07:27 AM)

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Registered: 07/06/18
Posts: 87
Loc: Europe
Last seen: 2 months, 22 days
Re: ~5.25 grams shrooms. Horrifying Solipsistic Despair [Re: SilverSand]
    #25346296 - 07/25/18 03:55 PM (2 years, 9 months ago)

Sounds like a pretty typical challenging trip. I'm starting to wonder if someone just being present is such a good idea since when you're peaking on psychedelics it feels insanely hard to articulate sentences. I think, optimally, you should have a guide or the other person should take a smaller dose to accompany you. Just some thoughts.

Thanks for sharing!

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Registered: 07/25/18
Posts: 7
Last seen: 2 years, 9 months
Re: ~5.25 grams shrooms. Horrifying Solipsistic Despair [Re: vanjahyka]
    #25353322 - 07/29/18 06:28 AM (2 years, 9 months ago)

When I was younger I used to trip with people. The most recent few times I prefer to go alone. I guess I see it as some sort of challenge I need to sort out within myself. Plus I seem to end up communing with peoples spirits anyways. Or my ideas of people.

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Registered: 03/05/21
Posts: 1
Last seen: 13 days, 20 hours
Re: ~5.25 grams shrooms. Horrifying Solipsistic Despair [Re: SilverSand]
    #27239315 - 03/05/21 09:08 PM (2 months, 7 days ago)

I don't agree with being alone as necessarily being a bad thing. If you were indeed the only being in the universe, and the universe were indeed a creation for you to experience what you've created, would it not make sense that the feeling of loneliness is something you created? And if you didn't, wouldn't something else have to have created it?

Further, that feeling of being alone doesn't affect all species. Like felines or polar bears, they do well in solitude. This is a uniquely human emotion. Since we are social creatures. I think you delved deep into your subconscious and your most primal fears. For good or bad

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