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 Big5Personality
Stranger
Registered: 07/14/18
Posts: 1
Last seen: 5 years, 8 months
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 Personality Change and Advice 
#25326874 - 07/14/18 11:07 PM (5 years, 8 months ago) |
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Okay, this might be a heavy post to start this off with. I'm investigating whether a psychedelic trip will be something beneficial for me. You can skip to the last paragraph to get to the crux of my questions and skip out on the boring word-vomit backstory.
Growing up, I was physically and emotionally abused by my father. In that household I learned to repress and to shut down unwanted emotions for basic fear for my life. I remember consciously shutting down a few times and then it became the norm for me. Unfortunately, this has screwed me up psychologically and for about 25 years I was untreated for major chronic depression and anxiety. For the past four/five years, I've been on medication with little success, and I've had 3 hospital stays.
I finally found a counselor that helped me open up and find out what was wrong with me. And you guessed it, it was my dad. So, now I'm deconstructing my life, examining all of my belief systems with a new perspective, and trying to figure out how to reconstruct myself into a better person (that's if I can first figure out if it is all worth it). In this process of controlled deconstruction, analysis, and reconstruction, I found that I was abusive to my spouse and kids. Nothing intentional. I never hit them. But I was co-dependent with my wife. I did not have a healthy relationship with her. I'm fixing that now (I'm surprised she has stayed with me this long--must be more stubborn than I expected). I'm kind of in a pit of despair, trying to figure out how to fix myself and make things right. I'm just wondering if all I'm here for is to break the abuse cycle.
Now that I'm reconstructing my life, I am looking at what can truly help me. I took the Big 5 Personality test and found that I am high in Neuroticism and Agreeableness, aspects I want to change. But the literature I read shows that changing these traits becomes much more difficult as you age. While researching how to change these traits I stumbled across psilocybin and how that can increase one's Openness. I'm already very high in that aspect, otherwise I wouldn't consider taking psilocybin.
I want to change the Agreeableness and Neuroticism aspects of my personality--I want to lower them considerably. I have access to shrooms from a friend who has tripped before. If I take it, I plan on going for ego-death. I also plan on guiding music to help make the journey pleasant as well as a trip guide--I may have my trip guide take it first and I can sit for him so I can know what to expect. Mixed into the music, where research tells me peak time is, I want to add a couple voice clips to remind myself that I want to make those changes, basically go in and demolish parts of those aspects. Is this possible? Do I have a fundamental misunderstanding of a trip? Can I change those aspects of my life by taking psilocybin? I want to be healthy, whole, and happy like I should be.
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Enkidu
"No-Such-Person"
Registered: 07/09/16
Posts: 10,698
Last seen: 8 months, 27 days
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It is possible, but the thing with mushrooms is you can't always go in with a plan of certain things you want to do or accomplish.
Maybe some people will disagree, but basically the mushroom experience you will have is anyone's guess. There's really no saying what will happen, what you will think, feel, experience.
Because of this, it may be difficult to set certain goals.
I think the only real goal one can set is heal and learn. In what ways you heal or what you learn is harder to say.
I think your goals will be easier to accomplish after taking mushrooms though. I think they will help heal you and help you better approach your goal.
Also, mushrooms are healers and teachers. They will heal what needs to be healed. They know what you need. Anything could surface from your past traumatic experiences which need healing, any ttypes of thoughts, feelings, what dose are you taking ?
Watching your friend trip won't be much help for what to expect.
Just remember to breathe and relax and accept whatever happens. Just feel it and accept it, don't hold onto any negative thoughts or feelings, this can cause them to escalate and make for a rougher experience.
Just accept what you feel and think, breathe deep and slow, relax.
If you decide to eat mushrooms imo you will not regret it and I wouldn't be surprised if they did wonders for you and your life.
Good luck on your journey.
This may be something which needs more than one ceremony to heal and overcome by the way.
Good luck, and I'm glad you're here
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Within You , Without You
      
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HamHead
Hard Ass Motherfucker
Registered: 03/17/15
Posts: 6,107
Loc: Galactic sector ZZ9 Plura...
Last seen: 2 years, 10 months
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Re: Personality Change and Advice [Re: Enkidu]
#25326923 - 07/15/18 12:10 AM (5 years, 8 months ago) |
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Don't piss around with the dose.
If you want change, you have to take enough for your ego to feel as if it's dying, then let it.
There's a sense of being reborn after a mystical experience. Use this opportunity to make those changes. It takes work from 'you' too, mushrooms aren't a magic bullet.
You may realize what needs to happen during an experience, but it's up to you to do the actions which you feel to be better, after an experience. Integration is key.
One thing about having music playing is if there are any lyrics, your ego may attach itself to those words, keeping you from a non dual experience. It takes some practice to be able to let go with external stimuli present.
Be in a safe, comfortable, private place. Have some water and good food at the ready. A towel is always handy and some comfortable clothes. You need a good 8 hours for the experience, though you'll be mostly sober by 5-6, and a day or two after with little responsibility to integrate and perhaps discuss with others about your experience.
If a sitter will be present, it may be good to lay down some ground rules before hand and perhaps have them read into the subject to better prepare themselves if anything comes up.
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The Italian researchers’ findings, published by the INT’s scientific magazine Tumori Journal, show 11.6% of 959 healthy volunteers enrolled in a lung cancer screening trial between September 2019 and March 2020 had developed coronavirus antibodies well before February.
https://www.reuters.com/article/us-health-coronavirus-italy-timing-idUSKBN27V0KF
This online first version has been peer-reviewed, accepted and edited, but not formatted and finalized with corrections from authors and proofreaders
https://www.icandecide.org/
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