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OfflineNorthernsoul
Your Reality

Registered: 11/17/01
Posts: 2,290
Loc: Inner Eye
Last seen: 5 years, 11 months
Rate my Short Poems(Begginer seeking Constructive Critisism)
    #2525297 - 04/04/04 07:34 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

The Flower

If life is a bee,

Then to live is a flower,

A gesture so kind,

Any less would be sour



My Uncertainty

Oh, uncertainty (getting a little shakespearish there..whoo hoo)

Some three sylibal tree,

So afraid of me,

Looking back at me,

Knowing if I climbed it,

I'd then be free.

Oh three sylibal tree,

My uncertainty.


A better song (A Poem for Her)

There once was a time where I said that I've never felt alone.

But when Im sitting at home, I know I'm perfectly wrong,

Staring blankly mid-air, when I hear that sad song.

Where have I gone wrong?

This old road it goes on,

So twisted and long.

She's my better song.


So let me know which one you like most, rate it, or do whatever, just let me know what you think and/or what else would work to make them better. Liven them up! Should I shorten, emphisise on each thing? Be more descriptive?....I hardly write so let me know. And I never write poems..so. I really dont know if Im good or not:)


--------------------


--------------------------------------------------------------

When it comes
I'll know, I know
Just take my clothes and leave
And I'll be gone




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Offlinefatfunguy
newbie

Registered: 03/22/04
Posts: 28
Loc: Pennsylvania, US
Last seen: 10 years, 4 months
Re: Rate my Short Poems(Begginer seeking Constructive Critisism) [Re: Northernsoul]
    #2529528 - 04/05/04 11:25 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

They're a little two short, nothing is wrong with brevity but sometimes a little meat on the bones wouldn't hurt.

Un-cer-tain-ty? *counts fingers*

It seems you got great ideas to build on, just try painting more descriptive picture. I think this would help bridge the gap between you and an audience.


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OfflineNorthernsoul
Your Reality

Registered: 11/17/01
Posts: 2,290
Loc: Inner Eye
Last seen: 5 years, 11 months
Re: Rate my Short Poems(Begginer seeking Constructive Critisism) [Re: fatfunguy]
    #2568234 - 04/16/04 04:40 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

yeah, lol...its four sylibals....thanks for the feedback!


--------------------


--------------------------------------------------------------

When it comes
I'll know, I know
Just take my clothes and leave
And I'll be gone




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OfflineBigNerd
Sociable loner
Male User Gallery

Registered: 10/31/03
Posts: 4,228
Loc: local elementary school
Last seen: 4 years, 3 months
Re: Rate my Short Poems(Begginer seeking Constructive Critisism) [Re: fatfunguy]
    #2569830 - 04/17/04 01:24 AM (12 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

fatfunguy said:
It seems you got great ideas to build on, just try painting more descriptive picture. I think this would help bridge the gap between you and an audience.




I like that description, I think he's 100% right.  Your poems are like water-colors:  lacking definition.  Maybe if you try to focus a little more on what you want to convey to the reader BEFORE you start writing, it will help you to get your point across more clearly,  and from there you can make it pretty with the rhyme schemes or whatnot.  :smirk:

BigNerd


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Sometimes karma needs a little help.


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Invisiblebert
bodhi

Registered: 10/14/02
Posts: 2,819
Loc: state
Re: Rate my Short Poems(Begginer seeking Constructive Critisism) [Re: Northernsoul]
    #2569851 - 04/17/04 01:36 AM (12 years, 7 months ago)

Try reading a good amount of poetry to get an idea for how good poets put words together, think about the sounds of the words and the rhythm of the lines as well. I like Robert Frost, Emily Dickinson and most of all T.S. Eliot. Also, write write write as much as you can. Being inebriated doesn't hurt either. As others said, try to plan a larger picture before you start laying down the tracks.


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Persons denying the existence of robots may be robots themselves.


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OfflineGedar
Stranger
Registered: 04/12/04
Posts: 3
Last seen: 12 years, 7 months
Re: Rate my Short Poems(Begginer seeking Constructive Critisism) [Re: Northernsoul]
    #2570639 - 04/17/04 12:11 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

I write a lot and the ideas are there but on all them you seem to be missing something. bert had a good idea when stated go read alot of other peoples work...


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OfflineViaggio
ChemicalConsumer

Registered: 07/05/03
Posts: 1,296
Last seen: 10 years, 8 months
Re: Rate my Short Poems(Begginer seeking Constructive Critisism) [Re: Northernsoul]
    #2571362 - 04/17/04 05:10 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

"There once was a time where I said that I've never felt alone."

Consider describing a time with when and a place with where.


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OfflineViveka
refutation bias
 User Gallery

Registered: 10/21/02
Posts: 4,061
Last seen: 2 months, 1 day
Re: Rate my Short Poems(Begginer seeking Constructive Critisism) [Re: Northernsoul]
    #2578087 - 04/19/04 03:43 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

Also, everything doesn't have to rhyme. If you feel you have something to say and you are confident about it, your meaning will come across wether it rhymes or not.


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Invisiblebert
bodhi

Registered: 10/14/02
Posts: 2,819
Loc: state
Re: Rate my Short Poems(Begginer seeking Constructive Critisism) [Re: Viveka]
    #2578507 - 04/19/04 05:35 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

Yes, rhyming is not neccessary...although if you choose words that are not rhyming, try to construct your lines with a rhythm that is unique or that works in tandem with the feeling of the poem. You can loosely rhyme words as well. For instance: 'bread and seed' or 'just and flush'. You can purposely mis-rhyme words to create a feeling of dissonance or uneasiness.


--------------------
Persons denying the existence of robots may be robots themselves.


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InvisibleKthxBye
bandito furioso

Registered: 04/03/02
Posts: 1,197
Loc: bottom of the noob barrel
Re: Rate my Short Poems(Begginer seeking Constructive Critisism) [Re: Northernsoul]
    #2586911 - 04/21/04 02:54 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

When I edit, it means I relate:

I once said that I've never felt alone.

Sitting at home, it's clear I was wrong.

Staring blankly mid-air, when I hear that sad song.

Where have I gone wrong?

The old road goes on,

So twisted and long.

She's my better song.


--------------------
I know what he wants: a drag of smooth tobbacco blended with the finest Turkish Turkweed. Here, have a toke on me you dumb beast.


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