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 theusualsteve
professional lurker
Registered: 08/23/14
Posts: 91
Last seen: 5 years, 12 days
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 My brother really fucking did it this time  10
#25165676 - 04/25/18 09:27 PM (5 years, 11 months ago) |
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My brother hung himself a couple weeks ago, on April 4th. 30 years old. Want to hear some fucked up shit?
Fresh into a nice little apartment he's paying for himself, started driving a new Kia, finally started to turn his life around. For someone who fucked up a lot of his life these were big strides. Now he's gone and my mother has two sons instead of three. The agony of this reality is immense.
I'm the youngest of the three being in my early 20s, I own a barbershop. He came in for one last cut the day he did it.
He hugged me and told me he loved me, and that we should hang out sometime. I told him yeah yeah 'we will link up soon'. I embraced him, but I wish I would have told him that we would link up tonight. I had plans to go spend money on clothes, how pitiful. In fact, I think I was a little short. I was rushing the interaction by trying to show just enough compassion while fulfilling my ego-driven desires as quickly as possible.
The guilt I feel about that is immense.
When he walked out the door, he paused and pulled a short double-take over his shoulder. Saying nothing, he turned back around and continued out the door. I will never forget that.
His last social media post (he was very involved with all social media platforms) was a selfie captioned "Best damn fade in the county, go see my brother"
Now, in a fucked up turn, the other middle brother who was homeless and unemployable is now living in the same apartment being supported completely by my mother.
I've been so fucked up in the head and I don't have a lot of people to talk to about this, I know a lot of people in my town through my occupation but it doesn't matter, they think they know me but they don't. They can't, nobody wants to get their hair cut by a sad barber. This is a frustrating loneliness that's hard to understand I suppose. Thanks for listening.
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LogicaL Chaos
Ascension Energy & Alien UFOs
Registered: 05/12/07
Posts: 69,940
Loc: The Inexpressible... 
Last seen: 8 hours, 32 minutes
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 Re: My brother really fucking did it this time [Re: theusualsteve] 1
#25165686 - 04/25/18 09:32 PM (5 years, 11 months ago) |
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Wow thats an extremely tragic story.
But dont feel too bad, its not like u were the sole cause of him committing suicide. Could have been many reasons for it. Sorry u lost your brother thou, it must be very hard.
Just try to control your emotions at work and over time, u will accept that he just wasnt happy with his life for some reason.
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"What you must understand is that your physical dimension affects everyone in the higher dimensions as well. All things are interconnected. All things are One. Therefore, if one dimension is broken or out of balance, then all other dimensions will experience repercussions." - Pleiadian Prophecy 2020 The New Golden Age by James Carwin
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 ServantOfBaphomet
StarKitten's Boyfriend
Registered: 10/14/09
Posts: 2,986
Loc: αßπΣσµτΦΘΩδ∞
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Re: My brother really fucking did it this time [Re: theusualsteve] 3
#25165692 - 04/25/18 09:36 PM (5 years, 11 months ago) |
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God that is some deep and depressing stuff, dude. At least you know he really loved you to want to see you one last time. Sometimes depression can be tugging vehemently and silently at a person for years. I'm really sorry to hear about this. Hope you can get through this ok, buddy.  :hugs:
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Do what thou Wilt shall be the Whole of the Law
Love is the Law. Love under Will
Hail Eris! All Hail Discordia!!
The Sovereign Peanut has Spoken!!
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Asante
Omnicyclion prophet
Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 87,330
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Re: My brother really fucking did it this time [Re: LogicaL Chaos] 2
#25165704 - 04/25/18 09:43 PM (5 years, 11 months ago) |
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On the 50 year anniversary of the shooting on MLK 
So very sorry to hear this
To the best of my understanding of the universe that I studied intensely all my life, everthing is in an eternal cycle of recurring with every possible outcome.
All that was lost will forever be regained.
So sorry to hear of your loss, words cannot express.
My mother and I had a pact that whomever would die would come back, if at all possible, to give the other a sign not to worry. She did so, in spades, even grabbing the ear of spirit medium friends of mine, and even to my formerly rabidly atheist brother.
Sorry for the rambling.
Grieve fully, but dont tear yourself up over guilt feelings.
What happened needed to happen or it wouldnt have.
Try to find peace.
We love you.
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Omnicyclion.org
higher knowledge starts here
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theusualsteve
professional lurker
Registered: 08/23/14
Posts: 91
Last seen: 5 years, 12 days
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Thanks guys I appreciate the positive vibes. It's hard for me but gosh is it hard for my mother. Gotta be there for her in a time like this.
I'm really going to miss him, I don't know if that ever 'sets in' for anyone.
Just love them while you have them.
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PatrickKn
Registered: 07/10/11
Posts: 20,715
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Re: My brother really fucking did it this time [Re: theusualsteve] 1
#25165718 - 04/25/18 09:49 PM (5 years, 11 months ago) |
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Damn dude, sorry for your loss. Can't even imagine what you're going through right now.
I know you can't really help but feel guilt given the circumstances, you'll probably always wonder what could have been done differently that day. But don't dwell too much on the what if's, that will eat you alive over time. You didn't do anything wrong or out of the ordinary, you just didn't know and couldn't have known exactly what was going on inside his head at the time. I've had friends who'd commit suicide where myself and no one else could have predicted it happening aside from small hints at depression, and even if we knew it's a deeply personal choice sometimes that one couldn't stop if their mind is really set on it.
Just remember the good memories you have and remember to make lasting time with your family. Not because spending time with them will prevent anything, but more because you don't know how long they'll be around for any reason at all.
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XUL
OTD Janitor
Registered: 03/16/05
Posts: 28,261
Loc: America
Last seen: 4 years, 5 months
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Re: My brother really fucking did it this time [Re: theusualsteve]
#25165761 - 04/25/18 10:09 PM (5 years, 11 months ago) |
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TRUMP 2020
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Blipstir
Human
Registered: 05/05/14
Posts: 437
Loc: CO Mountains
Last seen: 2 days, 9 hours
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Re: My brother really fucking did it this time [Re: PatrickKn]
#25165765 - 04/25/18 10:10 PM (5 years, 11 months ago) |
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Sending love your way and to your family too  . My mother has tried to take her own life twice now and thankfully has failed both attempts. It's Important that you don't hold onto guilt and to not blame yourself.
like most of us here at the Shroomery know, the human experience is absolutely infinite. Things happen and come about in mysterious ways. while in midst of the worst it's going to be hard to find hope and see brighter horizons. But sometime, somehow, somewhere something beautiful will spring from your family's loss.
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Asante
Omnicyclion prophet
Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 87,330
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Re: My brother really fucking did it this time [Re: theusualsteve] 1
#25165778 - 04/25/18 10:21 PM (5 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
theusualsteve said:
Thanks guys I appreciate the positive vibes. It's hard for me but gosh is it hard for my mother. Gotta be there for her in a time like this.
I'm really going to miss him, I don't know if that ever 'sets in' for anyone.
Just love them while you have them.
My mom died on July 4, 2003, Independence Day, while half the Shroomery was setting off fireworks. 1940-2003 - In Memoiam - Mom
I had my heart attack 6 months earlier and was said to live for only a few months more.
Years previous a mushroom trip had foretold it, that she would die and I wouldnt, soon.
PLEASE TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU.
Dont lose yourself in blame. I dont think your brother would want that.
Be strong man
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Omnicyclion.org
higher knowledge starts here
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unam sanctum
Registered: 04/20/11
Posts: 6,832
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Re: My brother really fucking did it this time [Re: theusualsteve] 1
#25165790 - 04/25/18 10:31 PM (5 years, 11 months ago) |
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Real sad shit man. A good friend of mine hung himself. Never even called me to say peace. Best part was they were able to save his organs. Still, that wasn't my brother. I don't even have one technically. I love you man. Probably safe to say most of here do. Don't beat yourself up, and don't be too upset with him. Some things are beyond comprehension.
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xbloodwhipx
Registered: 02/24/12
Posts: 12,791
Last seen: 4 years, 8 months
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Re: My brother really fucking did it this time [Re: theusualsteve] 1
#25165795 - 04/25/18 10:37 PM (5 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
theusualsteve said:
He hugged me and told me he loved me, and that we should hang out sometime. I told him yeah yeah 'we will link up soon'. I embraced him, but I wish I would have told him that we would link up tonight. I had plans to go spend money on clothes, how pitiful. In fact, I think I was a little short. I was rushing the interaction by trying to show just enough compassion while fulfilling my ego-driven desires as quickly as possible.
The guilt I feel about that is immense.
Thats a terribly tragic story, I'm really sorry to hear it.
However, you really should not feel guilty. You are in no way responsible for what happened, and had no way of knowing it would.
Don't beat yourself up for anything, because its not your fault.
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mndfreeze 
Shroomery Secret Service
Registered: 04/22/02
Posts: 20,538
Loc: PuppetMasterFlash
Last seen: 2 days, 17 hours
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Re: My brother really fucking did it this time [Re: theusualsteve] 1
#25165851 - 04/25/18 11:32 PM (5 years, 11 months ago) |
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<3
You should consider some professional help for both you and your mother. There are a lot of options and support groups out there for this kind of things, and as rough as it can be and as much as you might think you don't need it or don't want it, it will help.
I'm really sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine how that is. If you need help definitely let people here know. The support forums are a good place with a lot of good, helpful people.
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Nothing says love like grannies prolapsed anus!
quote]Urb said:
I know... Its fucked up... Ill fix it minyana..[/quote]
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Lucis
Nutritional Yeast
Registered: 03/28/15
Posts: 15,622
Last seen: 4 months, 14 days
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Re: My brother really fucking did it this time [Re: theusualsteve] 1
#25165860 - 04/25/18 11:36 PM (5 years, 11 months ago) |
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Sorry for your loss.
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©️
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Robo
R Series 66Y
Registered: 05/08/07
Posts: 14,861
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Re: My brother really fucking did it this time [Re: theusualsteve]
#25165880 - 04/25/18 11:53 PM (5 years, 11 months ago) |
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Suicide is fucked up though, there's some people you'd never suspect, things seem fine, and the next day the police are swarming at their house sorting through the "crime scene". This guy I know his neighbor did it just the other day, and he had a wife and kids. 
Fuck dude, your post depressed the fuck out of me. I'm sorry.
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Akatarawa
Mud trooper
Registered: 04/01/18
Posts: 197
Loc: Pluto, but sometimes only... 
Last seen: 4 years, 9 days
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Re: My brother really fucking did it this time [Re: Robo] 1
#25166241 - 04/26/18 06:43 AM (5 years, 11 months ago) |
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That is amazingly terrible for you mate.... I think that double take would haunt me too.
Honour his memory. Embrace the genuine sympathy from people, and mentally deflect the social drones who wish to fulfill their societal contract with you.... they probably don’t know how you feel.
There is nothing worse than being alone in a crowd.... I am absolutely experiencing the same feeling, but for different reasons.
Things will get better for you and your mum and family.
One day will come when you think of him with just a sad smile, and not a racking sense of helplessness and what if’s.
Best wishes mate from nz
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................
"This movie doesn't scrape the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn't the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn't below the bottom of the barrel. This movie doesn't deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with barrels."
"A man may fight for many things. His country, his principles, his friends. The glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child. But personally, I'd mud-wrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an amusing clock and a sack of French porn."
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spirit_shadow
Beta Crypt 3
Registered: 08/15/11
Posts: 27,321
Last seen: 14 minutes, 7 seconds
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Re: My brother really fucking did it this time [Re: Akatarawa] 1
#25166349 - 04/26/18 07:56 AM (5 years, 11 months ago) |
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Im sorry :'(
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Never knows best.....(this account is automated, all posts related to illegal activities or advice thereof are strictly from numerous online sites and are for informational purposes only)- Circa 2011
Ban lotto
Edited by spirit_shadow (04/26/18 07:57 AM)
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Enjoywho
Rags to Bitches
Registered: 07/06/09
Posts: 20,880
Last seen: 2 years, 8 months
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Re: My brother really fucking did it this time [Re: spirit_shadow] 1
#25166590 - 04/26/18 11:19 AM (5 years, 11 months ago) |
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Sorry for your loss.
All though I get it. Life fucking sucks. It never ends. You do things you hate to be relatively comfortable. Month after month. Year after year. It never seems to change. I just keep chugging along grinding out the world and I dunno hopefully i'll be happy one day.
Sucks man it would break my heart if my brother died.
Edited by Enjoywho (04/26/18 11:32 AM)
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ADCC420
Registered: 03/06/18
Posts: 410
Last seen: 2 days, 7 hours
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Re: My brother really fucking did it this time [Re: Enjoywho]
#25166646 - 04/26/18 11:40 AM (5 years, 11 months ago) |
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Im sorry OP sending all my love to you and your family
If anytime you need someone to talk with(about anything), just send me a message
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Bill_Oreilly
ANIMALS (the RAINBOW SERPENT)
Registered: 11/12/11
Posts: 26,370
Loc: Boston
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Re: My brother really fucking did it this time [Re: theusualsteve] 3
#25166687 - 04/26/18 12:00 PM (5 years, 11 months ago) |
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Quote:
theusualsteve said:
My brother hung himself a couple weeks ago, on April 4th. 30 years old. Want to hear some fucked up shit?
Fresh into a nice little apartment he's paying for himself, started driving a new Kia, finally started to turn his life around. For someone who fucked up a lot of his life these were big strides. Now he's gone and my mother has two sons instead of three. The agony of this reality is immense.
I'm the youngest of the three being in my early 20s, I own a barbershop. He came in for one last cut the day he did it.
He hugged me and told me he loved me, and that we should hang out sometime. I told him yeah yeah 'we will link up soon'. I embraced him, but I wish I would have told him that we would link up tonight. I had plans to go spend money on clothes, how pitiful. In fact, I think I was a little short. I was rushing the interaction by trying to show just enough compassion while fulfilling my ego-driven desires as quickly as possible.
The guilt I feel about that is immense.
When he walked out the door, he paused and pulled a short double-take over his shoulder. Saying nothing, he turned back around and continued out the door. I will never forget that.
His last social media post (he was very involved with all social media platforms) was a selfie captioned "Best damn fade in the county, go see my brother"
Now, in a fucked up turn, the other middle brother who was homeless and unemployable is now living in the same apartment being supported completely by my mother.
I've been so fucked up in the head and I don't have a lot of people to talk to about this, I know a lot of people in my town through my occupation but it doesn't matter, they think they know me but they don't. They can't, nobody wants to get their hair cut by a sad barber. This is a frustrating loneliness that's hard to understand I suppose. Thanks for listening.
i know exactly how you feel. im so sorry about this man. Time heals but it digs into you as it does.
June 6th 2007, my brother is in his room, i am in mine. Earlier in the day i found a bottle of xanax and i gave it to him, knowing he loved them and helped his crippling social anxiety. Around 10pm he comes in my room to tell me he loves me, and that if anything ever happened to him, to keep on chugging in life knowing he was one with God.
We both go to sleep in our rooms. i get up, go to school and was dismissed early by my aunt. She drops me home and before i exit the car she says "What your about to hear isnt good. just know we are here for you" so i walk into the house with all my family in the living room, some crying, some looking depressed. I was told those words you never want to hear "your brother died". Once i heard that, a part of me died. i ran to me room in tears, punching holes in my closet door. They are still there to this day.
Bitter sweet redemption was soon to come in 2011. I moved into the same room he died in, and i IV'ed 4-acO-DMT and died and came back to life. I know i made him proud that day taking the plunge into the death state.
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Something there is mysteriously formed,
Existing before Heaven and Earth,
Silent, still, standing alone, unchanging,
All-pervading, unfailing,
I do not know its name; I call it tao.
If forced to give it a name, I call it
Great (ta). Being great, it flows out;
Flowing out means far-reaching;
Being far-reaching, it is said to return.
It's just a shot away..
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Asante
Omnicyclion prophet
Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 87,330
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Re: My brother really fucking did it this time [Re: Bill_Oreilly] 4
#25166722 - 04/26/18 12:13 PM (5 years, 11 months ago) |
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Oh my God, Bill
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Omnicyclion.org
higher knowledge starts here
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