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OfflineAvidFan
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Registered: 03/05/18
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Unwrapping the layers of consciousness and memory
    #25140361 - 04/15/18 09:36 AM (3 years, 25 days ago)

I've been experiencing a lot of turbulence in my life lately, with health, finances, friendships all in a state of flux and uncertainty. I've also been tripping quite a lot.

I'm well aware this may fly in the face of all the advice about set and setting, but I am experienced with psychedelic use, and have been finding that rather than throwing me into bad trips, I'm finding it almost impossible to comprehend what a bad trip is (I did have many difficult experiences in the early days, many years ago!). More and more it just feels like going home.

Although the trips have been a mixed bag in terms of intensity, they have all had the effect of windscreen wipers on my mind - they have cleared away the surface rain and crud and shown a clear window, or to use another analogy, they have cleared away the dark storm clouds and shown me that behind the clouds, there is, always is a place of blue sky tranquility and contentment.

To put things in some context, I am currently making my first attempts at growing shrooms from scratch, I've at least got fully colonised cakes which I am now on pins awaiting for them to pin, so not bad for a first effort so far.

In the meantime I have had to rely on stores of dried cubensis I grew from kits years and years ago.  Those stores have run out, and a few were spoiled after all this time (not cracker dry and pretty dead potency wise, we're talking 15 years ago they were stored!).

So I am now down to the dried truffles I bought and preserved in 2003. I had two large jars full of these things, but having ground them and eaten them, I found nothing was happening.  I figure it could have been a bunch of bunk truffles in the first place, as I found a smaller batch from a different purchase, and these seem to have retained a lot of potency (there is a definite difference in taste too, the latter batch having that very strong sour/bitter taste that truffles have).

I did get 15g of fresh truffles recently from an online vendor outside of my country, but the underwhelming experience wasn't really worth the cost, 4 week wait, and anxiety over whether they'd get seized coming through customs etc.  Maybe only as a last resort!

Anyway, the trips have varied in strength and experience but a distinct pattern I have noticed from my level 5 trip in my previous report, is that the trips have been getting less and less visual and more and more introspective.  I have experienced some extremely strong comeups, and then ended up almost pretty much back to normal baseline reality, but with a changed sense of thinking and feeling.

My last trip a couple of weeks ago, was an almost non event, but what I did learn from it was the fact that I'd been tripping too much, and came out with the insight that I was actually going in trying to re-experience lessons I'd already learned on the previous trips, and perhaps trying to escape rather than adventure and learn.  The lesson was "you've seen this movie through and through, you might want a couple of weeks off and then check out the sequel". Almost in those exact words as I wrote them down during the "trip".  It was almost like I'd seen the movie in IMAX, and then got a crappy VHS copy and tried to relive the experience.

Anyway, I get to the Friday just gone and it had been another very difficult week, my financial solution plans hit another roadblock, a friend had severely let me down, I was tired, and in the week I'd had some very dark thoughts about potential escape routes out of the various challenges of my life, which were hard to make sense of as I don't suffer from depression etc.  I was stressed and really struggling, and ended up drinking some wine.

I then decided it was time to trip hard. Another bit of advice that is normally sound is don't drink and trip, but it's something I've done a lot over the years and seems to ease the passage for me, taking away some of the anxiety and enabling me to concentrate fully on where I need to go.

So I measured out 10g of the good dried truffles that seemed to work, ground them up into very fine powder, mixed with water, consumed and waited.

After half an hour I started to experience some bad nausea (not usual for me but probably the amount of material ingested), so I had some ginger and that really helped, and then I started to come up, quite slowly considering the powdered material etc, but it started to get stronger and stronger.

One of the first insights I had was that all the visuals I would normally get are just distractions.  They are like Oz, getting you to follow the Yellow Brick Road - they are not the path in themselves.  I've realised that getting into a meditative state on shrooms really turns all the visuals down to an absolute minimum, while listening to music, doing things etc, can set them off.  I did play some music and watched a cartoon, which was nice, but like most of my trips I eventually turn off any external stimuli as they start to feel like distractions and jar with what's going on at a deeper level.

So I reached a point where I thought "Ah-a, I'm up" and then proceeded to approach ego death without actually losing my sense of who I was.  Hard to explain, but it was like I was I and not-I at the same time.

On previous trips I'd unlocked some buried childhood memories and programmed thoughts. The profoundest of these had been that whenever I move towards full ego death, I start hearing voices (my mother's and sister's) asking "where are you?  Where are you?" coupled with a sense of anxiety and doing something wrong.  I traced this all the way back to when I was about 3 years old and locked myself in a cupboard, for like an hour. Effectively I completely disappeared - but of course there were lots of adult voices shouting as they frantically looked for me and I an imagine a bit of pleased but angry reaction once I was found! The sense of disappearing through ego death, going completely into the trip, was triggering the same 3 year old imprint of that earlier experience. Since digging this out the anxiety has all but gone!

One programmed thought I had was that "you should never touch lightswitches with wet hands" which has always led to some paranoia and fear on deeper psychedelic experiences, as on shrooms I do feel all wet and have had many moments where I've turned a light off or on, and then got a sense of panic that I've inadvertantly killed myself (and yet have no way of knowing, and worry that my body is dying but the information hasn't managed to get to my brain yet due to time dilation!).  Having double checked this with an electrician, I am assured there is very little risk (otherwise there would be an outcry as hundreds a week would be dying due to carelessness!), and have since become quite playful turning switches on and off and enjoying the novel sense of not worrying about it any longer!

Anyway, the take home message of most recent trips has been that I've kept asking myself "am I truly happy?" and the answer keeps being yes no matter how deep I go.  Of course there are things I am sad about, and stressed about, but as I observed before, they are the clouds, and the blue sky is my being.

So on this trip I decided to look at some of the things that make me sad. I have had 2 or 3 very dear friendships go sour in the last few years - people have found new relationships, moved, drifted etc, and my thought is often why do these people come into my life and then go away again, when is the next good friend going to come into my life?  The trip totally inverted this whole way of thinking and changed it to something like "I came into their life, they learned what they needed from me, and moved on, it's time to stop concentrating on the people who no longer need me, and allow the next person who needs my wisdom and presence in their life to do their growing. I am here to help, how can I expect help from the children who look to me for answers?"  This seemed very profound, and has stayed with me.

Also I wanted to look at my impatience, as sometimes I can get very frustrated when people don't respond quick enough etc. And I drifted back in my mind to being a baby, and then it hit me, "of course - for so long all I had to do was scream and bawl and my every need, from milk to nappy changes to warmth would be met instantly and some part of me still always expects that".  I felt such overwhelming love for my late mother for her kindness but also an observation that sometimes her love could be suffocating and make me too dependent.  I had an operation when I was 2 or 3 which I saw had deeply traumatised me as I was wheeled into the operating theatre screaming, and the doors closed on my mother, who wasn't allowed in, leaving me with some deeply held fears of abandonment throughout my life.

And then I went back further, recalling a soft warm bliss that was the womb, and wondered what was before that, and immediately experienced a semi orgasmic experience as if I'd remembered the moment of my conception.

And before that?  Bliss, and God, being God, and sending myself here for a reason... (interesting for an atheist/agnostic!)  But being entangled in a human body is hard work, and there is sadness as well has happiness, pain as well as joy, it is the way of things and I came around to myself crying my eyes out with both profound joy and profound sadness at the same time.

And then everything felt so peaceful and I re-connected with my surroundings, noticed that hours had gone by that felt like years, and hit the peanut butter as my every day mind started to reconstruct itself and I realised I was very hungry and my body needed feeding.

There was a long comedown of interesting thoughts and observations until eventually I reached baseline again, went to bed and ushered in a few hours sleep as dawn had already broken by now.


Edited by AvidFan (04/15/18 12:37 PM)


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Invisibleredgreenvines
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Re: Unwrapping the layers of consciousness and memory [Re: AvidFan]
    #25173606 - 04/29/18 03:47 PM (3 years, 11 days ago)

the re-connection before the peanut butter is worth all the confusion.


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InvisibleInflaton
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Registered: 03/28/18
Posts: 1,677
Loc: Limbo
Re: Unwrapping the layers of consciousness and memory [Re: redgreenvines]
    #25175547 - 04/30/18 03:05 PM (3 years, 10 days ago)

Sounds great. I have done a series of trips recently after a long break, and some issues that were causing some mild form of addiction/anxiety are also gone. And the most curious thing is that I didnt even think about them while tripping. But unexpectedly I found that they just vanished in thin air.

Like you, right now I cant conceive of a bad trip, even if I had bad experiences in the past. My trips so far have been mostly pure joy and fun. Even when I started to detach after eating 5.3g dry, becoming a bit lost in my mind for a while, as I was coming back to the real world my main feeling was not understanding, unity with everything, harmony or calmness, it was just pure FUN. I have been in a really good mood afterwards.


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Materialistic, individualistic, truth seeker, risk taker.


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OfflineDGilmour
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Registered: 03/31/18
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Re: Unwrapping the layers of consciousness and memory [Re: Inflaton]
    #25186924 - 05/06/18 03:05 AM (3 years, 5 days ago)

great story, thanks for sharing


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