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Doalrite
Meat popsicle



Registered: 02/16/18
Posts: 571
Loc: Here, there, everywhere
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My experience, finding my faith in humanity, learning to let go 4
#25110815 - 04/03/18 11:51 AM (5 years, 9 months ago) |
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So I want to share my story. It’s not an easy one and it has many beginnings. Although eventually I would like to start at the very beginning for now I want to start at last year.
First about me. I am 37 years old and I look mostly white although I am an American mutt. My grandmother whom I love dearly is Native American, my father is Italian and there is a whole mixture of “other” in there. When I was younger I was very liberal and as I grew and smartened up about the world I became fairly conservative. I read a lot and I am a problem solver. I can fix just about anything. I am a person that can remove myself from the problem and find the proper solution. I know how to fix our traffic problems, our government problems and humanity’s spiritual problems. I have been blessed my entire life even though I did not realize it. I was also very self destructive, I ruined everything. Through fear and self doubt, though lack of faith and isolation I destroyed everything that this world had blessed me with. I hated god if there was one, I blamed him for all the pain. There are things from my childhood that warped my mind and I had created walls to hide behind. The person most people saw was only what I wanted them to see. I was unemotional and borderline schizophrenic. I never kept friends long enough for them to realize my life was a lie. There is so much more but for now that is enough.
Last year I was at rock bottom. My third child’s mother and I had split up and I was living alone. Drinking heavily every night just just to make life go away. I hated everything.
I decided to rent a room out. I put an ad for two rooms at a ridiculously low price, because I didn’t need the money. Found two girls early twenties, smoking hot that wanted the rooms. Hell yes I thought. For two months these girls walked around half naked, cleaned and we had fun. It was fucking awesome. Of course now you know the ball drops right?
Do you know what comes with two hot twenty year old girls..... Guys! Like fucking vultures, I would find random guys sitting on my porch at 4 in the morning. I woke up with some drunk dude singing on my couch very loud and badly at 5am once... yeah.. so away I sent them.
Next was the Russian. She worked out well, very friendly, a lot of fun. I kept it strictly platonic. She made me see life was good. She gave me some wonderful memories, enjoying the world. She was exactly what I needed. My ex and I were not talking and frankly it was evil.
I learned some Russian, I did awesome shit. I went to the gym and buffed up. Life was being nice. I felt good.
Well of course I fucked it up. However though this experience I became more.
So my ex found out about my new life. Guess who wanted me back and guess who was no longer a super cunt. I laughed and smiled. I played hard to get and enjoyed life.
Well until my ex informed me that “dippers” were around. These are cigarettes dipped in PCP. This use to be a favorite drug of mine. I had only ever smoked one or two at a time.
So pcp was designed by the military to be used during battle as a pain reliever to allow surgery in the field. The issue is that if you use too much it causes time and space displacement. It activates parts of the brain and creates some very strange issues. People are known to climb buildings naked and tons of other weird shit, impossible shit. People go crazy and sometimes never come back.
I ended up buying three jars probably 20 cigs per jar and smoked for almost two months. It was too much. It was a slow progression at first. Then it sped up. In the end I died and ended up in hell, then the mental institution. Yeah.
I remember it all it’s just hard to explain. At first it was just an awakening, an understanding of what I was. I am human, I am a weird improbable thing. I am a multicellular organism with appendages that also have appendages. I create heat and chemical reactions. I vibrate. Humans do weird shit and I am no different than anyone else. Everyone is weird.
I came to the understanding that there is no right or wrong when it comes to human behavior. There is only healthy and unhealthy. The reason humanity has such issues is because we label things right and wrong. So people lie and hide their weirdness. This creates perversions and deviant thoughts. This creates insanity.
I learned about the human soul. I was able to disconnect from my body. My ex and I were able to melt together and come to new understandings of each other. I reached out to the universe feeling everything. I connected with the spirit of humanity. I reached out and found the answers. At this point I understood that we are all just experiences and we are connected to this cosmic energy all the time. We have just isolated ourselves because of our fear and ignorance. Every lie we tell, every time we miss opportunities from fear. Every time we are bad and judge mental and mean. We isolate ourselves. We are all connected to the energy of life and when we die we melt back into this energy.
This is why the story the egg, that I posted means so much although it barely touches the surface.
It seemed like years I travelled, far into space. This was when weird shit began in my life. I started having issues, forgetting how to breathe, seeing reflections where I shouldn’t have been able too. Randomly blasting off like I had smoke when I hadn’t. I was able to focus on people though as if I could see there thoughts, I could feel people, I could see their emotions which I had never been able too. I saw connections everywhere in everything. I realized every movie and bit of music and art was humanities soul pushing out the experience of life. Expressing itself.
I connected. Then I understood that my child hood and my life was ok even though I did bad shit it should not have controlled my life like I let it. It was my fear of talking about it and my ignorance and my hate that defined me. Before I felt as if god and humanity was to blame instead of myself, now I realized it was my way of seeing things that were wrong. My hate and anger of god and humanity was my hate and anger of myself. I let go and forgave myself, which I turn connected me to humanity and god. I forgave humanity for all of its weirdness and hurt and I was able to appreciate its beauty.
Did I stop then smoking this weird shit? Of course not. Let’s do more and go further.
The last night I did the drug.
So me and my girl started on Friday night. We smoked and melted into each other. We were sitting on my front porch and this black girl walked by multiple times and it seemed like she was staring at me.
Once again it was great, we smoked all day Saturday into the night. Now here is were it gets weirder. Saturday night she wants to watch a movie from her child hood. I was in such a peaceful place and enjoying everything I agreed. This movie was horrible, it had rape and murder and just evil shit in it. My mind being so stretched as it was couldn’t handle it, it seemed like I was watching not a movie but experiencing the true thing. Remember me never feeling things, well I felt this. I saw the evil in men’s hearts that was pushed into the universe. I remember something evil happened and my girl started laughing and I was disgusted. I started repeating “that’s not nice” over and over my head filled with a buzzing noise and all of a sudden all I could see were vibrations and colors, there was a frequency and I started to scream. I was screaming with the frequency I heard and I felt gravity shift, it felt like I was being pulled up. I was still screaming louder and louder not needing to breath. I touch something in my mind, a higher being or higher level of thought. I was rising.
As this was going on I could here my girl crying and telling me to relax although I could not see her. She was screaming at me to stop. Something she said got thru because I was ready to blast off on a whole new level and I stopped myself. Something made an audible pop in my head and the next thing I know I’m laying on the bed with this huge beautiful goddess over me. It was weird I did not know anything, I was just experiencing. Everything looked different.
It took a bit but I came back to thinking again and realized the goddess was my girlfriend and I was me. We took a break to smoke a normal cig outside. Again the black girl walked by. My body was vibrating, my girls was scared and shaken. As we sat and talked she explained why she was freaked. She said once I started screaming I became rigid but was shaking all over. She climbed on top of me trying to get me to snap out of it. That’s when I began levitating off the bed, she started screaming and we went up five feet in the air. At the time the popping thing happened in my head we dropped to the bed and she said the entire house shook. She said she was terrified I was going to explode.
There have been no more drugs for me since then.
Sunday morning. I went outside and it was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. It was as if I had been looking at the world through dirty glasses my whole life and now I could see everything clear. My body was still vibrating. While me my girl and a friend was standing outside, that same black girl walked by staring at me. Even my friend commented on it.
My girl was still extremely disturbed but I was jubilant. We were out of cigs so I walked to the store. On my walk that same black girl bumped me from behind and walked by. Weird. I got to the store and got smokes, outside I lit up and marveled at the sky and world. This is when an old guy rode up on a ten speed in a leather trench coat and leather cowboy had with dark glasses on. I watched him park and he walked over to where I was, took out a cig and lit up.
He started talking to me about my life, he told me to relax because everything was ok. He talked about dying and the beauty from the mountain tops and about warmth of the sun. He put his hand on my shoulder and told me things would work out and not to be afraid that everyone dies. At least this is what I remember. I remember thinking he couldn’t know some things he said. He spoke of himself dying many times over. He told me I was special and wanted me to know he was always around. We stared at each other he smiled and said goodbye. I asked him where he was going and he said Starbucks for coffee.
I walked home.
I was sure I had just met god.
Edit, continued
So where was I?
Oh yeah, I thought I had met god. Now you all may say I was just high, and some random stranger talked to me. That may be true but you see I was moved. As I walked home I started crying. How could I have wasted my life and pass up all those awesome adventures and friends because I was afraid of them seeing me. Every gift every moment squandered. Everything was so clear, all the trivial shit I would let control me and worry about and all the real shit I had missed. When I got home my girl was sitting on the porch. I told her I thought I just met god and she said, I know....
But here is where I went crazy, something in my mind had snapped. I saw connections in everything. Anything was possible.
I was not expecting this answer. I asked her to prove it and she said funny hat and trench coat.? She knew. You see she is his opposite. Not the devil, just the mother. We spoke all day and cried for me. I realized that I had been let in on the cosmic secret. There are two gods. A mother and a father, this world and us are just them trying to have baby. They interact with us daily, they see everything. They watch us and they want us to grow, to think, not like them, but to think for ourselves. I found what I had been searching for. It was good. I felt at home on this planet for the first time ever. You see there is only three of us here. Him, her, me and you. Me and you are the same being.
I then realized I was going to die because how could I go on knowing the cosmic secret. My girl cried and was so sympathetic. She knew I knew. She just wanted me to lay down. Go to sleep she said, but I could not. That evening we had dinner and I took her home, I had ideas and wanted to write. I wasn’t tired I the slightest. I went home and started to write. Pages and pages I wrote, of life and love. You see we are fucked, we fuck ourselves we create more and they are fucked. I remember writing “now that you have unfucked yourself feel free to go fuck yourself” I came up with a great idea for a business that could heal humanity. So simple. I was just on fire with ideas and my drawings were awesome.
During this loony toons stage I started to get tired so I wrapped it up and went to bed. I came to the conclusion that she she was the devil. All night I ranted. Now I hadn’t slept in days. My Russian roommate was home and knowing I was going to die I had to inform her. This is where it went bad. I woke her up and was ranting about my girl being the devil and then I accused my roommate of being god. Thing is....I still think she was. It was bad. This continued to the morning where the police where called. They just wanted to help me and I refused. I should’ve been honest and open with them, life would’ve turned out easier. However I was afraid. Instead of being brave I hid in the fear. So my roommate left, the cops left and I was alone
You see I was remembering everything in my life. I had access to ever moment and could replay it like a movie. I was afraid that if I died now the wrongs I made could never be made right. It was terrifying. Feeling feelings and not being able to relax and quite my mind I sat outside and watched the sun cross the sky. It was cold, not warm like the day before, somehow this was my fault for being afraid.
Of course my roommate stayed away all day and the next night. When night came I had lost it, my girl wouldn’t answer my call. She was tired and sleeping, me I was wired and freaking. There is so much more but that is the basis. That night I finally decided to go to bed. I laid down and maybe I slept... but another pop happened in my head. I awoke in a bed of my own piss. I was alone. I could again remember everything in my life. It was cold.
You see. I died. I was in hell.
If you push everyone away when you die you have no one. Death is a reflection on how you live your life.
At this point I was completely alone and wide awake, I wasn’t high, however my brain was running on 12 cylinders. No service on my phone, tv wouldn’t work, temps read 80 degrees and I was freezing. I could reach no one. My life kept repeating itself over and over and over again thru my mind. All the fear that I had and all the destructive behavior. See another thing that was really bothering me was that from the initial pop in my head there were no more voices. I have always heard voices. I know they were my own, but still. They were gone, it was just me. I believe they stopped when the walls in my mind came down.
I went outside and there were no cars on the roads or lights on in homes, no stars in the sky. It was all over for me. I lived a life of fear and jealousy and hate. I had wasted the most basic gift, the gift of life. I went inside, didn’t want to be alone for eternity. I knew even that was a choice. There was a knife on my counter and I knew I could end it and seemed like a better option than being alone. I cried. I was going to do it.
I went outside for the last time to say good bye, and apologize for wasting everything. While I was standing there complete calm came over me. This is the way it works, everyone goes thru the same thing. I gave in and let go. This is when my neighbor was walking by. You see I had always been afraid to talk to them. I made a choice, instead of going inside and doing something permanent I ran to her and and hugged her crying.
I blasted off in my mind again, cops were called again and I was full on looney toons. I believed I was being pulled off the planet to be reborn into a new life. Did some serious shoulder and wrist damage because of the cuffs
I am so lucky my neighbors or the cops didn’t hurt me. I was arrested and put in solitary confinement. 24 hrs and no sleep I was released, once home I felt crazy again, now I hadn’t done any drugs in days and I wasn’t high....I was just crazy. So I got up and I went to the hospital. I watched nurses faces melt off and music lots of music and so it went. They told my girl when she arrived that they didn’t think I was going to be ok. Finally another day went by. Then I was sent to the crazy house. I didn’t sleep for a week, finally with medication they got me to sleep. I thought I was in purgatory the whole time. Sometimes I still do.
Over a week I was there. The more truthful I was the better I felt.
In the end the charges were dropped and my mind is back, however I see god everywhere. This may just be paranoia. I do understand this.
So what has happened over the year after.
Life is better, as long as I don’t lie or allow fear or jealousy to control me. I have lied, however every time I do something equally bad happens to me quickly. Karma
I believe gods do take human form and interact with us daily, prove me wrong. So I live my life like they do. Even if it isn’t true it’s not a bad idea or way to live. I appreciate everything. I have forgiven everyone for everything and I do not judge. Because I view everyone else who isn’t god just another version of myself.
I know that the most likely scenario was that I was insane, the thing is, there were so many things that should not have been possible. I truly believe I saw the next level. Behind the veil as it were. It has given me the ability to understand everything.
I am at peace, I’m not ready to go and I am not wasting the gifts given by being an angry hateful person.
-------------------- “Every man is guilty of the good he did not do” “There is no right or wrong human behavior, there is only healthy and unhealthy.”
Edited by Doalrite (04/05/18 03:09 PM)
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Doalrite
Meat popsicle



Registered: 02/16/18
Posts: 571
Loc: Here, there, everywhere
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Re: My experience, finding my faith in humanity, learning to let go [Re: Doalrite]
#25111483 - 04/03/18 04:19 PM (5 years, 9 months ago) |
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There is more if anyone wants to hear it.
-------------------- “Every man is guilty of the good he did not do” “There is no right or wrong human behavior, there is only healthy and unhealthy.”
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Buster_Brown
L'une


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 11,309
Last seen: 2 days, 4 hours
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Re: My experience, finding my faith in humanity, learning to let go [Re: Doalrite]
#25112614 - 04/04/18 01:39 AM (5 years, 9 months ago) |
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I think that account is an interesting Trip Report.
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Buster_Brown
L'une


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 11,309
Last seen: 2 days, 4 hours
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Re: My experience, finding my faith in humanity, learning to let go [Re: Doalrite]
#25112645 - 04/04/18 02:02 AM (5 years, 9 months ago) |
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Quote:
I came to the understanding that there is no right or wrong when it comes to human behavior.
The state of child-like vulnerability and inexperience could be the opposite of a state of Reason, since logic and it's corollary of dishonesty and violence are products of Reason.
It might be safe to say then that child-like vulnerability and inexperience is a state of Madness and as such all forms of madness, that are detached from intentional violence and dishonesty, are "Normal and Sacrosanct" (not to be interfered with).
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pineninja
Dream Weaver



Registered: 08/17/14
Posts: 12,468
Loc: South
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Re: My experience, finding my faith in humanity, learning to let go [Re: Doalrite]
#25112654 - 04/04/18 02:15 AM (5 years, 9 months ago) |
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Quote:
Doalrite said: There is more if anyone wants to hear it.
Ill read it if you write it.
That was a pretty wild ride.
-------------------- Just a fool on the hill.
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Blipstir
Human



Registered: 05/05/14
Posts: 437
Loc: CO Mountains
Last seen: 6 days, 2 hours
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Re: My experience, finding my faith in humanity, learning to let go [Re: pineninja]
#25114807 - 04/04/18 11:13 PM (5 years, 9 months ago) |
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Good read. thanks for sharing
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Doalrite
Meat popsicle



Registered: 02/16/18
Posts: 571
Loc: Here, there, everywhere
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Re: My experience, finding my faith in humanity, learning to let go [Re: Doalrite] 1
#25116153 - 04/05/18 03:09 PM (5 years, 9 months ago) |
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Updated.
Thank you, I hope people get something from it
-------------------- “Every man is guilty of the good he did not do” “There is no right or wrong human behavior, there is only healthy and unhealthy.”
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pineninja
Dream Weaver



Registered: 08/17/14
Posts: 12,468
Loc: South
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Re: My experience, finding my faith in humanity, learning to let go [Re: Doalrite]
#25116359 - 04/05/18 04:51 PM (5 years, 9 months ago) |
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You went to the edge then stepped over. The fact that you can see that will give you a perspective that few have.
How you reconcile the little taste of "crazy" is important and imo your approach is one of the only safe ways back.
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Doalrite
Meat popsicle



Registered: 02/16/18
Posts: 571
Loc: Here, there, everywhere
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Re: My experience, finding my faith in humanity, learning to let go [Re: pineninja] 1
#25116384 - 04/05/18 05:03 PM (5 years, 9 months ago) |
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Quote:
pineninja said: You went to the edge then stepped over. The fact that you can see that will give you a perspective that few have.
How you reconcile the little taste of "crazy" is important and imo your approach is one of the only safe ways back.
I did step over. One of the songs playing in my head was break on through to the other side.
I hurt myself, badly. Fairly certain I have brain damage. However everything is still clear now. Voices are gone.
The thing is, the way I was before was the definition of insane. I kept fucking up my life over and over. I lived in fear. In the dark.
I feel mentally healthier now
-------------------- “Every man is guilty of the good he did not do” “There is no right or wrong human behavior, there is only healthy and unhealthy.”
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pineninja
Dream Weaver



Registered: 08/17/14
Posts: 12,468
Loc: South
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Re: My experience, finding my faith in humanity, learning to let go [Re: Doalrite]
#25116403 - 04/05/18 05:11 PM (5 years, 9 months ago) |
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Focus on the positives use your introspection to help yourself and others.
There's no going back only forwards.
-------------------- Just a fool on the hill.
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Doalrite
Meat popsicle



Registered: 02/16/18
Posts: 571
Loc: Here, there, everywhere
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Re: My experience, finding my faith in humanity, learning to let go [Re: pineninja] 1
#25116463 - 04/05/18 05:34 PM (5 years, 9 months ago) |
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Thank you I will. One day at a time and like it’s my last
-------------------- “Every man is guilty of the good he did not do” “There is no right or wrong human behavior, there is only healthy and unhealthy.”
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Doalrite
Meat popsicle



Registered: 02/16/18
Posts: 571
Loc: Here, there, everywhere
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Re: My experience, finding my faith in humanity, learning to let go [Re: Buster_Brown] 2
#25116493 - 04/05/18 05:44 PM (5 years, 9 months ago) |
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Quote:
Buster_Brown said:
Quote:
I came to the understanding that there is no right or wrong when it comes to human behavior.
The state of child-like vulnerability and inexperience could be the opposite of a state of Reason, since logic and it's corollary of dishonesty and violence are products of Reason.
It might be safe to say then that child-like vulnerability and inexperience is a state of Madness and as such all forms of madness, that are detached from intentional violence and dishonesty, are "Normal and Sacrosanct" (not to be interfered with).
Not exactly. It is Reason that helped me understand that there is no right or wrong, there is only healthy and unhealthy. By labeling things right and wrong we create taboos and deviant behavior.
Example. The parent believes drugs are wrong to do. The kid does drugs and hides it and lies to his parent. This kid now has two versions of themselves. The kid and parents now have walls between them and are disconnecting.
However if we changed from wrong to unhealthy and if people accepted that. The kid would be honest, they would stay connected.
Right and wrong changes to reflect social norms. So it’s bullshit. Healthy and unhealthy do not change. We can do unhealthy things and learn better lessons at times and become more as humans.
-------------------- “Every man is guilty of the good he did not do” “There is no right or wrong human behavior, there is only healthy and unhealthy.”
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BrendanFlock
Stranger


Registered: 06/01/13
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Re: My experience, finding my faith in humanity, learning to let go [Re: Doalrite]
#25117436 - 04/06/18 02:34 AM (5 years, 9 months ago) |
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I've been to the brink in every life i've lived.. to express one self with honesty can not but help to bump up to what normal humans call "the end" or limitation.. The peaceful prophet speaks of course.. but with a rainbow of density all like new! The features of time are for the republic.. and that in itself is The republic of Rone.. from which all roads are said to have crossed..
The great wall of China!?
Being Chinese has a hidden aspect to it.. behind the beard and fancy hair, there is a mystery of pure agape.. as I would put it in Western frequency.. either way things are things and signals are signals.. to the fascist fashions of the day..! For which no one escapes. The truth is a truce, from which we can all call benefit! A certain sting of ascertainment.. with penchant signalling true.. each has a signal, a # of the code of truth which is within us.. Bruce Lee is dead to me.. but thats like anything else marked by Da'at.. @ sign penchance.. and a prayerfull yule log to boot..I was kicked out of my group in highscool for being to shy..
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Buster_Brown
L'une


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 11,309
Last seen: 2 days, 4 hours
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Re: My experience, finding my faith in humanity, learning to let go [Re: Doalrite]
#25117579 - 04/06/18 05:27 AM (5 years, 9 months ago) |
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Quote:
Doalrite said: Death is a reflection on how you live your life.
"You take your atmosphere with you" -could be why it's so important to cultivate how we react to stimulus.
I'm not yet at the place where I can "make a joyful noise" and "Dance (play) before the Lord" but I like to think I'm getting there.
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