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Anonymous #1

Not getting my fill
    #25079044 - 03/20/18 11:24 PM (5 years, 10 months ago)

Before anyone starts ringing the suicide alarm I'm going to say in no way shape or form this is a suicide or a precursor to a suicide.

Lastly in the last few months I've just not been getting my fill out of life. Very rarely would I come home from a day and feel like I got something out of the day. I use pot every night before bed because it's literally the only drug I've found that works and hasn't had any bad habit formers like Ambien (that's fucked, never take it even if prescribed). Other than that on a rare occasion I'd trip on shroomies or LSD (I know it was actual LSD) which I found helped with a lot of my "bad" thoughts for up to a month, though I don't like tripping for the most part nor would I want to regularly start it. I drink zero alcohol because really really really bad things happen no matter what I drink. So for the most part I only smoke pot regularly (which I should say I don't crave for or lust for through out the day, I'm glad just smoking before bed). I have not many significant people in my life, my mother literally treats livestock better than me and my dad is 6' under. I can't seam to find any women worth fucking multiple times let alone consider the possibility of a relationship. Life just seams hallow. I'm either told I'm not good enough at what I'm doing and people regularly tell me how I'm a square block trying to fit through a round world. Lately in the last month more and more fucked up shit has happened to me from other people that I'm ready just to leave and go live in a bus in Alaska or a pile of sticks in the woods. People are so toxic today I can't figure out how to even start a conversation with out wanting to throw up over what I'm hearing.

Well maybe this was a low spark rant or maybe something someone understands. Anyone find a way to get that good feeling at the end of the day? I guess I'm wundering if anyone out there has found a rhythm or ryme, a beating of banter, a pin hold on this pandora of a.....
Fuck this rant I guess say what ever you want it's just a dumb rant.


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Anonymous #2

Re: Not getting my fill [Re: Anonymous #1] * 2
    #25079137 - 03/21/18 12:54 AM (5 years, 10 months ago)

hey man. i hear you, and understand where youre coming from. i am not happy right now either, and consider that im married with a child. you would think that being on the other side where the grass looks greener actually makes life better - but it doesnt. life is hard, and i really think its just how you choose to cope with that hard shit.

i dunno - i cant just get divorced and go off becuase its not right to my child. at least you can move away and get a job, get your own place, meet new people and have no restrictions set on you by other people. i guess what i am trying to say is fucking shit this stuff is hard sometimes - and if you are feeling stagnant, you litterally need to fucking blow up your world and go get something new for yourself. i wish i could. i have bought more or less a permanent ticket, and i really wish i could get off right now.


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Anonymous #3

Re: Not getting my fill [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #25079164 - 03/21/18 01:28 AM (5 years, 10 months ago)

That's sucks man. I've been in that situation. Almost the same shit. And what is much worst -- I live in russia. This is really sucks. I was very close to suicide but one good person send me to the psychotherapist. I was on xanax for the month and just let all the shit go. Fuck, people elect Putin on past sunday! And you know what? I don't give a fuck. I'm still on zoloft now and this 4 month course is almost over. A month ago I had that feeling that this acceptance and letting go won't last forever. So I start again my mushroom project and this is consume whole my time I was wasting on all that bad thinking about how miserable I am.

You know, point of life is not to get somewhere or be someone, it is not about investment in tomorrow happiness, point is to live and be happy in this moment, just right now.


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Anonymous #4

Re: Not getting my fill [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #25079188 - 03/21/18 01:51 AM (5 years, 10 months ago)

I feel you man. I've felt like that all my 30 years in this world. Sometimes a bit better, sometimes a lot worse. Contemplated suicide almost every other day on average. I can't tell you what will work. But you must try to get better. I got into reading and listening all that new age, law of atttaction and mindfullness crap, and although it sounds like crap for the most part, they do offer some great advice from time to time. Nothing else ever worked for me. You need to identify those thoughts as madness that isn't helping you in any way. You are here now, try to silence your mind repeating history to you. And determine what can you do right now to make your life better, now and in the future. When I really get into it, really feel it and believe it, I can make miracles happen almost instantly. But my mind quickly pulls me back into shit. I know it will be a never ending tug of war. But it's worth a try. Remember, doing the same thing and expecting different results is mad.
If you want some advice on books and authors, let me know.
To quote Bender from Futurama, "Reality is what you make of it."


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Anonymous #1

Re: Not getting my fill [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #25079864 - 03/21/18 11:36 AM (5 years, 10 months ago)

I enjoy seeing the input from you guys. I don't feel like life is accomplished or missing something physical. I don't really know how it's [hallowness] made or fixed. It's almost embedded in my sub consiouse occasionally scrapeing my perceptive consiouse reminding me of it. I've watched many people take psych meds and 9 out of 10 times I see it, it's makes things more complicated than not.


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Anonymous #5

Re: Not getting my fill [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #25080000 - 03/21/18 12:45 PM (5 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #4 said:
When I really get into it, really feel it and believe it, I can make miracles happen almost instantly. But my mind quickly pulls me back into shit. I know it will be a never ending tug of war.



This. A thousand times over.

I'd like to hear some book recommendations.


Quote:

Anonymous #1 said:
I don't feel like life is accomplished or missing something physical. I don't really know how it's [hallowness] made or fixed. It's almost embedded in my sub consiouse occasionally scrapeing my perceptive consiouse reminding me of it.



I think it's part of the human condition, when examined, to feel a 'hole' or a 'void' inside of us. If I had to guess I'd say it's something to do with existing as 'separate' from all that is. Lots of things can cure/fill it, temporarily. I've often found myself very easily hooked on these things, especially if they give the feeling with little effort.

I'm pretty sure that it can be cured/filled for most of our waking hours if we put in the appropriate practice. It's very hard to find the time required for the practice given the way the world is but it's not impossible.

It sounds so simple yet is so difficult; what do you want to dedicate your time here to?


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Anonymous #4

Re: Not getting my fill [Re: Anonymous #5]
    #25081575 - 03/22/18 05:18 AM (5 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #5 said:
Quote:

Anonymous #4 said:
When I really get into it, really feel it and believe it, I can make miracles happen almost instantly. But my mind quickly pulls me back into shit. I know it will be a never ending tug of war.



This. A thousand times over.

I'd like to hear some book recommendations.



Movie The Secret is always a good start. It's pretty old, the first of it's kind, but it does set some fundamental thoughts, and is quite well made, especially when you later learn the backstory about how it was made. The Power is Rhonda Byrnes book that has shown me to substitute feelings of hatred, resentment, anger, depression etc. with love and gratitude, towards anything and everything, from the pencil in your hand and up. That's the crucial piece I was missing. Joe Vitale is one of my favorite authors, his style really speaks to me.
Right now I'm listening to "Bug free mind" by a British guy Andy Shaw. It's awesome. Really explains in great detail how to deal with destructive thoughts, and use "the law of attraction".
What often helps me is microdosing mushrooms (100-200mg), it puts me into that "flow" state, opens my heart and makes me more aware of the mind chatter and how insane it is. It's really wonderful walking around euphoric and observing all the "coincidences" fall into place. I wholeheartedly believe that it works and has the chance to improve any life and turn it into something wonderful and thoroughly enjoyable.


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