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Anonymous #2

Re: Shroomery Suicide Prevention Thread [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #25613480 - 11/14/18 02:47 AM (5 years, 4 months ago)

Idk how to shake suicidal thoughts, im thinking of telling my friends about it but what kind of fucking right do i have to complain as people are being raped and tortured as i type?

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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
Humble Student

Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 26,088
Loc: Deep in the system Flag
Re: Shroomery Suicide Prevention Thread [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #25616580 - 11/15/18 02:25 PM (5 years, 4 months ago)

Because suffering is relative.


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe

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Invisiblecmpunk
Best in the World
I'm a teapot User Gallery

Registered: 09/01/18
Posts: 74
Re: Shroomery Suicide Prevention Thread [Re: Anonymous #2] * 1
    #25639862 - 11/26/18 09:50 AM (5 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #2 said:
Idk how to shake suicidal thoughts, im thinking of telling my friends about it but what kind of fucking right do i have to complain as people are being raped and tortured as i type?




Notice how you reference the plight of other people in the world and then implicitly chide yourself for feeling a certain way? You feel bad, but you're also chiding yourself for feeling bad. This sort of thinking creates a negative spiral.

You can start to break the loop by accepting that you feel badly. It's ok to not feel ok. Accept it. Don't judge yourself for "I shouldn't feel this way because [other people]".


--------------------
________________________________________________

To avoid criticism, say nothing, do nothing, and be nothing.

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OfflineRJ Tubs 202
Male


Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 6,123
Loc: USA Flag
Last seen: 15 days, 19 hours
Re: Shroomery Suicide Prevention Thread [Re: cmpunk] * 1
    #25641604 - 11/26/18 11:21 PM (5 years, 3 months ago)

Great post cmpunk!              amen hallelujah 

Suicidal thoughts are frequently rooted in rage and self-hatred.

Just one more reason to diligently question all brain messages . . .

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Invisiblecmpunk
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Registered: 09/01/18
Posts: 74
Re: Shroomery Suicide Prevention Thread [Re: RJ Tubs 202]
    #25643606 - 11/27/18 07:45 PM (5 years, 3 months ago)

Thanks, RJ, mate. It sounds like you too have learned to see thoughts for what they are.

On a different note, I'm not sure I should be giving advice to anyone. Been wanting to die for the better part of a decade now, and I'm relatively young. So there are definitely limits to some techniques. Seeing "maybe I should end my own life" as just a thought is a good start, but there's only so far that one step can go.


--------------------
________________________________________________

To avoid criticism, say nothing, do nothing, and be nothing.

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Invisibleskorpiovenator
Female


Registered: 12/11/18
Posts: 69
Re: Shroomery Suicide Prevention Thread [Re: bloodsheen]
    #25715432 - 01/01/19 06:16 AM (5 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

bloodsheen said:
Quote:

King Klick said:
I will hold your pain for you. Take it off, it's heavy, it'll make walking through life easier. Message me for my number.



I wish it worked that way

I guess nobody will ever actually find this so I suppose this is a good place to put it. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. It's a clinical way of saying I'm a born asshole, useful to nobody and destructive to all. I can never have a healthy relationship, I push people away so I can abandon them before they abandon me, or confirm in my mind that everyone will leave me. To say I have a low self-esteem is to say a desert has low humidity. I had a time where I avoided mirrors so I didn't have to look at my face, now I hate myself so much I don't even relate to what I see there. In my mind my teeth are black, my skin pock-marked and covered in acne, my eyes grey and beady.

I used to cry or rage out at least 3x a week, sometimes both in a day for a week or more. Now that my chemistry has been balanced by my medication, all that's left is hatred for myself. It's the only thing I think about, even my dreams are about failing the people around me in one way or another.

I even used to have fantasies about dying heroically, like jumping in front a bullet to save a baby or something. Now I don't care how it happens, if someone was willing to stab me to death I would be up for it. Anything for my last act on earth to not be my fault. Anything to never drag another innocent person into my unyielding hell on earth.

I'm even such a coward that I'm afraid to do more research on BPD. From the little I've seen, therapists have little sympathy, they truly see me as the infection of society I always feared I was. People like me are so broken we don't even know how to love properly, let alone function as a decent human being. The only reason I haven't killed myself already is because I stupidly thought if I could show my parents how much pain I was in they could forgive me and themselves for my death. I really underestimated their infinite stupid hope, they really do still believe after all this horseshit that there is some future where I'm basically ok.

Maybe I will still get lucky and get cancer. Fingers crossed




I know this reply is quite late, but it resonated with me and my situation. Have you looked into DBT?

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Anonymous #3

Re: Shroomery Suicide Prevention Thread [Re: skorpiovenator] * 3
    #25760152 - 01/22/19 06:37 AM (5 years, 2 months ago)

Dealt with suicidal ideation for many years since my childhood. When growing up I ended up having a large number of my close friends in the same boat. We used our feelings (or lack thereof) to justify our hedonistic tendencies, which as we got older spiraled out in a myriad of addictions, broken families, toxic relationships, delusional perceptions, and self-fulfilling prophecies.

It really got fucked up.

I ended up in a hospital bathroom with pillowcases over my head and a shoestring tied around my throat trying to suffocate myself, couldnt do it. Ended up trying to slash my arm with a steak knife and bleed out, couldnt do it. Ended up trying to shoot up 100 bux worth of heroin in one shot but you guessed it couldnt fuckin do it.

I used to wish my family had a garage, so I could seal it all up, put a hose in the tailpipe, put her in neutral and gas myself to death. I used to wish the kitchen had a door so I could seal that off put all the burners on without lighting them and pass out and die. I used to wish I would be easier for me to get on my roof in just the right way so I could jump off and kill myself.

But really all I wanted was to stop watching the world suffer. It wasnt even so much about me really. It was about what I would see around me. The world got under my skin ever since I was a kid, I just couldnt understand it. I couldnt understand how people could just keep on their way as they did. Couldnt understand a lot of things about them or myself.

Sometimes people would laugh. I remember one guy, he used to say "you know one day im gonna find you dead in the gutter with a needle in your arm" and he would have a rich laugh about that, honestly relishing in the thought of it. A lot of other people would encourage me to hurt myself as well. People often made it clear they found some pleasure in my suffering, whether I could understand why or not.

Other times I would try to reach out for help, but I was so lost I didnt know how, I fucked it all up and ended up lashing out at those who wanted to help me. I got to a point where I was so hopeless and full of anger that I would refuse help and just go on and on about how I wanted to die and how I was going to kill myself.

I was really really fucked up. Its honestly a miracle I didnt kill myself, or suffer some severe damage as a result of some attempt. The horrible disfiguration on my arm is the worst of it. It really scares the shit out of people when they see it. Many people I once called a friend have literally recoiled at the first sight of it.

Not a single person has ever or will ever treat me or looked at me quite the same upon realizing I have that disfiguration. I cant blame them, its been a while now so its stopped bothering me. But in truth I can never work any job where I have to deal with customers with my arm exposed and I have had several people whom I have worked with simply ask me "whats that from?" with the expression of a confused toddler.

No one likes those moments. But they build some serious fucking character, lemme tell ya.

Anyway.....I got older and things changed. I got to experience more of life. I found moments of:

Love
Fear
Desire
Loss
Rest
Hate
Friendship
Hopelessness
Solace
Desperation
Compassion

And in the end I am glad I never killed myself. I am glad I never let the world, the people, the drugs and most of all MYSELF, get the best of me. I am glad to live.

And funny enough im even glad for the scar. I think it just Gods way of saying "not so fast shit-bird, your not done here just yet".

But dont get me wrong I still want to die, just as much as ever really, but I have stopped wanting to be the one who controls my death. Now I just want to leave it to my maker to decide. Just as He chose when I would be born, so should he choose when I am to die.

I think natural death is a wonderful thing and ive come to hold a large distinction between natural death and untimely death or accidental death. Natural death is quite possibly the most wonderful thing in all of our existences to me, on par with birth/creation.

When I see Peter I know Ill finally be home.

Edited by Anonymous (01/22/19 06:54 AM)

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Offlinechibiabos
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Re: Shroomery Suicide Prevention Thread [Re: Anonymous #3]
    #25763865 - 01/23/19 06:04 PM (5 years, 2 months ago)

Mods should feel free to remove this, but I honestly think that this belongs here.


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Invisiblepineninja
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Registered: 08/17/14
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Re: Shroomery Suicide Prevention Thread [Re: Anonymous #3] * 1
    #25763884 - 01/23/19 06:10 PM (5 years, 2 months ago)

Thanks for sharing that on behalf of those who will likely get something from it.


--------------------
Just a fool on the hill.

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OfflineRJ Tubs 202
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Registered: 09/20/08
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Re: Shroomery Suicide Prevention Thread [Re: Anonymous #3] * 1
    #25782778 - 02/01/19 12:17 AM (5 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #3 said:

...I still want to die, just as much as ever really, but I have stopped wanting to be the one who controls my death.




A common motivation for suicide is the intense craving for control.

A strong craving for control also fuels symptoms some call "bipolar".
The feeling of being in control brings euphoria and feelings of being
out of control depression. We often play a big role in wild mood swings.

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Anonymous #4

Re: Shroomery Suicide Prevention Thread [Re: bloodsheen]
    #25894901 - 03/24/19 10:07 PM (5 years, 5 days ago)

I’m very sorry your life has been so hard... and continues to be. :frown: I have depression myself but not borderline personality disorder.

But.. well..  have the mushies helped?

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Offlinebloodsheen
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Re: Shroomery Suicide Prevention Thread [Re: Anonymous #4] * 1
    #25901683 - 03/28/19 09:05 AM (5 years, 1 day ago)

Quote:

Anonymous #4 said:
I’m very sorry your life has been so hard... and continues to be. :frown: I have depression myself but not borderline personality disorder.

But.. well..  have the mushies helped?



My family has a bad history of mental illness. Since I made that original post I've found a cocktail of drugs and a therapist that are helping me quite a bit. I was honestly pretty afraid of taking mush for the past few years because I wasn't sure how I would react. I coincidentally didn't have access to them after my depression got way out of control. Then by the time I did I didn't want to know what I would find in my own mind.

Now with my medication it could be dangerous to use it. So I may never get the chance again. It was always a positive experience when I was in a positive state of mind. But at some point I was always in a bad state of mind, and I was terrified I would learn that every part of my mind wanted me to die


--------------------


A cautious young fellow named Lodge / Had seat belts installed in his Dodge. / When his date was strapped in / He committed a sin / Without even leaving the garage. That's clever, isn't it?-A boy and his dog

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Offlinespecialpeopleclub
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Re: Shroomery Suicide Prevention Thread [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #25912102 - 04/02/19 06:00 PM (4 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

Jokeshopbeard said:
Because suffering is relative.



I understand what you are saying, but I've come to think its generally a linier scale from ecstasy to despondence (beyond even the act of killing yourself).
Then there are two axis, a mental and physical one.

These both effect each other and can feed off each other. Its perceptual, but perception is reality. Some people eat shit and perceive joy.
Weather these perceptions fall into the healthy spectrum are what matters. A bad mental state can age you physically, a bad physical state can destroy you mentally.

Just my perspective, as I've been depressed since as long as I can remember, meaning pre-adolescence.
Truthfully, I'd prefer non existence, but non existence isn't an option, and dying is not the same as not being born, as its a loss. Its truely sad when one gives up future hope, but I can see why people do.
Remember that it is chemical, there are options(NMDA antagonists, SSRI's, phychedelics, MAOI's. see my thread)

try as hard as you can to remember who you want to be, your ideal, that you are your only savior in this world. Its on you not to give into the weight.
No one can lift the burden of an abstract hell off another. If we could there would be backs breaking all over trying to save our loved ones from their pain.


--------------------

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InvisibleTheFakeSunRa
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Re: Shroomery Suicide Prevention Thread [Re: specialpeopleclub]
    #25912835 - 04/03/19 05:44 AM (4 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

specialpeopleclub said:
Quote:

Jokeshopbeard said:
Because suffering is relative.



I understand what you are saying, but I've come to think its generally a linier scale from ecstasy to despondence (beyond even the act of killing yourself).
Then there are two axis, a mental and physical one.

These both effect each other and can feed off each other. Its perceptual, but perception is reality. Some people eat shit and perceive joy.
Weather these perceptions fall into the healthy spectrum are what matters. A bad mental state can age you physically, a bad physical state can destroy you mentally.

Just my perspective, as I've been depressed since as long as I can remember, meaning pre-adolescence.
Truthfully, I'd prefer non existence, but non existence isn't an option, and dying is not the same as not being born, as its a loss. Its truely sad when one gives up future hope, but I can see why people do.
Remember that it is chemical, there are options(NMDA antagonists, SSRI's, phychedelics, MAOI's. see my thread)

try as hard as you can to remember who you want to be, your ideal, that you are your only savior in this world. Its on you not to give into the weight.
No one can lift the burden of an abstract hell off another. If we could there would be backs breaking all over trying to save our loved ones from their pain.




I don’t rate people but I’d give you five shrooms if I did.


--------------------
[quote]Asante said:
You constantly make posts thatr fling middle school insults at people you don't like mixed in with maladjusted psychopathic comments about wanting to beat up the other poster with a crowbar.

You know how shit you are, you just don't give a fuck for precisely that reason.

I disendorse you.[/quote]

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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
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Re: Shroomery Suicide Prevention Thread [Re: TheFakeSunRa]
    #25962840 - 04/29/19 03:03 PM (4 years, 10 months ago)

I made this for another forum and never posted it because of my own demons but... maybe someone here could get something out of it.

I may end up adding points or rephrasing it at some point but it's some of the major points that have kept me from offing myself up to this point. And to go some days, even weeks or months, without thinking about how nice it would be to end it all.

I've managed depression for over 20 years. I've spent the last decade directly tackling that. Which means breaking down who I am and why I am the way I am, who I want to be, and who I realistically can be when the veil of depression is lifted from my mind. When negativity isn't smothering me and my ability to be... me.

This has some somewhat outdated views on medication but they're not entirely untrue. I just don't feel so black and white on it anymore. They can be useful but only in the right circumstance and only with your intent and mental support.


I'm posting it because I myself have needed this review of my life. What I'm doing that I could be doing better.



I realize there are many many many threads that deal with depression. But, while many have great advice on dealing with depression, it’s hard to track down any one individual place that really has a ton of information on dealing with general depression. I’ve been wanting to make this thread for a while because I know most everyone deals with it at some point in their life. I’m not going to roll around in my sob story, most of you have heard bitter snippets of it, but I’d like to say that I do know where I’m coming from with this: I’ve dealt with depression most of my life. Literally as far back as I can remember. When I was 14-15 I was put on anti-depressants. They didn’t help – they made me a zombie if anything. I’ve made several attempts to take my own life and have nearly succeeded before. When I was 19 I was told that I would not be able to live a life without anti-depressants. Naturally I told my doctor to go piss herself and I weened myself off of the little bastards.  Now it would be unfair to say that I’ve been dealing with everything without the aid of drugs since then, but it’s not true as I’ve had stints with the illegal variety and alcohol since then. I would like to say though, most people that go there and come back say it doesn’t help. Why do they say that? Because it doesn’t help. You mask the problems with drugs, and when you mask them it’s only that much harder to fix them. I am sober now, I don’t have a shrink, and I don’t have a perfect life. I still get down sometimes. I cry sometimes. But this is the best I’ve been in my entire life. And it’s only because I wanted to get better, and I was willing to work my ass off to see it happen.

If you genuinely want to get better then you will have to actually put a lot of effort into it. I know how hard it is, many of the people here also understand what it’s like to go through this. But you can make it through and you can make your mind and even your entire life better. Don’t ever give up because there’s always something just around the corner.


1. Find out why you’re depressed.

      a. Figure out where the depression began. No one else can get inside your head so no one else can figure this out for you. What was going on in your life? I can nearly guarantee you that you DO NOT have a "chemical imbalance". As in a physiological function you have no control over. There are real factors in your life that are bringing you down.
              i. What’s your living arrangement like?
            ii. How does your family/loved ones treat you?
            iii. Do you ever get time to go out/have fun?
If you are dealing with loss of a loved one or even a pet there are threads here for that and I would highly advise you go take a peek at those.

      b. Do you believe you are useless? That you are worthless or even a bad person? Why? What have you done to make you think that? Was it even something you did or just something someone else said?
              i. You are a human being. You make mistakes. You learn from them and you let them go. You are just as good as me or Angel or Nelson Mandela. You may not have the same opportunities we do and you may not make the decisions we do but you are a special person with nearly endless potential. You have as much worth as anyone else in this world. Never let anyone, even yourself, tell you otherwise.

      c. Are you just lonely?
              i. Want a girlfriend/boyfriend? Join a dating website and look up dating tips. There are THOUSANDS of them.
            ii. Want to make friends? There are tips on that too. I’m a bad person to ask, but generally the best way to go about making friends is to find something you enjoy and then find a way to pursue that thing you enjoy with other people (ie meetup.com and social media events are great easy ways to do this. Hiking clubs, book clubs, knitting circles, religious circles, almost all will eagerly welcome you.) For the time being I’d rather focus on deep depression here that reaches beyond current loneliness. No one likes being alone. That’s an easy fix though because there’s always someone else that’s looking for a friend too.
      d. I promise you all of your problems have solutions. It might be hard as hell to figure them out and you might have to sweat and even bleed to reach them…  but they are out there. And, in the end, only you can get inside your own head. So, in the end, it is up to you to save yourself.



2. Tell yourself you are not going to let your life be ruined by depression anymore.
This is YOUR life and this is YOUR mind. You are in control, even if it seems like everything is spinning out of control and you’re losing your grip on everything. You are not the dealer in this crazy card game called life, but you are the player and ultimately you decide your own fate. I like to compare life to a card game, because even if someone is dealt a terrible hand they can still make a winning play.

      a. You are not going to allow this phantom of misery to possess your thoughts any longer. It’s your mind and you are the one who has power over your thoughts. Ignore those terrible festering negative thoughts. What good are they doing you? They aren’t doing you any damn good. If they aren’t doing you any good then are they doing anyone any good? No? Banish them. Fight them if you have to. Replace them.
              i. When you think something like “God I hate myself.”
I want you to think “but I have no reason to hate myself. I’m just a human being, like anyone else. I don’t kill kittens and set them on fire” (As a personal note I have known and seen people who do this. Trust me, you are not a bad person.)
If you still think you are and you do kill kittens and set them on fire, I want you to think “I hate myself… but I’m going to make myself into a person that I will love.”
      Ii. If you’re stuck dwelling on the idea that your life sucks then I want you to stop saying “God my life sucks and I don’t even have a flushing toilet.” But instead I want you to say “It sucks I don’t have a flushing toilet but
Have a flushing toilet but at least I have food, water, and a roof over my head.
Have a friend, companions, pets, hobbies, something outside in the world that I can care about.


3. Most suicidal ideation doesn’t come about because a person hates life.
      a. Most people simply want out of their life situation. I get that. Especially when it seems inescapable, due to your mental or physical health or financial circumstances or who you are as a person.
              i. If you are at the point of wanting to end it all, then what do you have to lose? What would it hurt to take a chance and try, try your absolute best, to make a life you can be content with? Even if it doesn’t work out, you did try your best.

      b. What are some things you enjoy about life? If you are too depressed to enjoy anything then what did you used to enjoy?
              i. Why did you enjoy these things? What was your mindset around these things? How could you incorporate these things, or the mindset behind them, into your life?
            ii. What do these things say about what you care about in this life? You can find these things again. You can pursue these things. Again, you have nothing else to lose.




Don't let shame keep you cooped up. It's okay to be depressed and to have bad thoughts. Like I said, almost everyone does at some point. And in 2019 people are very understanding of this. Don't let that be the reason you shut yourself away from the world.
Try. Put all your effort into trying. The only people who will negatively judge you for it are people who are terrible to begin with and people you don't need in your life. People no one needs in their life. And they will be the one who is alone and miserable when it's all said and done.









I did add a few things but largely kept it the same as it was when I wrote it in 2014-2015. I was the happiest and healthiest I had ever been at that point. I'll work my way back up to it. And I'll do it even better this time.

:hug: I love you and I want you to be well.
I want to be well too. We can do it.


--------------------
          :dancingbear: Free time is the only time :dancingbear:                    :thatsinteresting:

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OfflineNicholas Valentine
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Registered: 05/13/19
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Last seen: 4 years, 10 months
Re: Shroomery Suicide Prevention Thread [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #25990200 - 05/13/19 03:46 PM (4 years, 10 months ago)

So much reflecting recently...

Putting much deeper thought into behaviors and dialog...

Learning to value my actions and beliefs and see how they impact me and others...

Rejecting nihilism and condemning my own degeneracy and destructiveness, while not allowing myself to feel crushed by the weight of my wrongs/faults/inadequacies...

Im able to wake up and believe I have a reason to wake up now, and im grateful for that...

You all know thats all any person should ever and could ever ask for, a sense of purpose...

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OfflineNicholas Valentine
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Re: Shroomery Suicide Prevention Thread [Re: Nicholas Valentine]
    #25990216 - 05/13/19 03:54 PM (4 years, 10 months ago)

The truth is we live in a culture (western) where many people make a sick fantasy of suicide (like myself) and conceptualize it as being a way to simultaneously

1. release all suffering
2. "attack" those they feel hurt by
3. get people to "wish they had been nicer to them"
4. make people "realize" they extent of their depression/suffering

But the truth is those 4 things are not the real results of a person committing suicide, not at all

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OfflineRJ Tubs 202
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Re: Shroomery Suicide Prevention Thread [Re: Nicholas Valentine]
    #25992041 - 05/14/19 11:06 AM (4 years, 10 months ago)

Nicholas, that's an interesting and insightful list of motivations for suicide. I notice in those 4 things an underlying tone of control and retaliation. Some people say suicide is selfish, and I think what they refer to is a type of egotistical grandiosity. I suspect there may be a god-like aspect to people killing themselves. Like some folks in ancient times used to kill themselves to glorify their god. And more recently, the 9/11 killers. Jesus bragged about his suicidal tendencies.

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InvisibleAmanita86
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Re: Shroomery Suicide Prevention Thread [Re: RJ Tubs 202]
    #25992553 - 05/14/19 03:33 PM (4 years, 10 months ago)

Where did Jesus brag about his suicidal tendencies?


--------------------
:mushroom2:Orange clock, pencil:bouncysmoke:
"They threw me off the hay truck about noon...":fishing:
:mushroom2:*Mark 15:34:levitate::mushroom2::blueninja:
Gam zeh ya’avor...:sunny:

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InvisibleTheFakeSunRa
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Re: Shroomery Suicide Prevention Thread [Re: Amanita86]
    #25993906 - 05/15/19 07:20 AM (4 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

Amanita86 said:
Where did Jesus brag about his suicidal tendencies?




You can’t crucify Superman without his approval.


--------------------
[quote]Asante said:
You constantly make posts thatr fling middle school insults at people you don't like mixed in with maladjusted psychopathic comments about wanting to beat up the other poster with a crowbar.

You know how shit you are, you just don't give a fuck for precisely that reason.

I disendorse you.[/quote]

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