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OfflineWeAreMushroom
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In An Abusive Relationship, Need To Leave...
    #25053868 - 03/10/18 09:28 AM (3 years, 2 months ago)

Hey guys. My wife is a chronic pain patient.

Her pain has been causing her a lot of emotional turmoil and anger. For the last three years that I've been helping her deal with this, she has treated me like absolutely garbage, verbally abusing me, ruining my confidence, etc.

Today she was whacked out on too much medicine and she actually hit me. Like, right in the face. My lip is all puffy and cracked.

I'm just in shock. I'm too embarrassed to call the police and say my wife is hitting me. I certainly can't hit her back because she's a woman.

I need to find a room to rent with some chill psychedelic minded people.

Anybody know where I can go to get away from this nightmare?

A battered women's shelter isn't an option when you're the husband and you're getting beat up on.

:feelsbadman:


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InvisibleJokeshopbeardM
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Re: In An Abusive Relationship, Need To Leave... (moved) [Re: WeAreMushroom]
    #25053877 - 03/10/18 09:33 AM (3 years, 2 months ago)

This thread was moved from Physical and Mental Well-Being.

Reason:
Belongs here.


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InvisibleJokeshopbeardM
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Re: In An Abusive Relationship, Need To Leave... (moved) [Re: Jokeshopbeard] * 3
    #25053880 - 03/10/18 09:39 AM (3 years, 2 months ago)

I've been there man. Many times. It never bothered me that much physically as I would simply restrain her as soon as she landed the first blow, but emotionally it's a fucking blow alright to know that that person would hit you, regardless of how much drugs/alcohol they're on.

I hate to admit it to you, but if it's heading down that path, there's probably not much future in it. It can be so hard to accept that and let go after all the work you've put in, but you gotta think about your health and wellbeing. Don't sacrifice it for someone who can't appreciate that you are, cause, for whatever reason, some people just can't.

I'd go and see and/or call a good friend in that situation. Let her come down from her anger. And then go back and warm her, very firmly, that if she EVER does that again you're leaving. And definitely stick by that rule if you lay it.

Good luck man, all the best, and lots of love. I feel your pain.


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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Offlinepslyke
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Re: In An Abusive Relationship, Need To Leave... (moved) [Re: WeAreMushroom] * 1
    #25054463 - 03/10/18 02:46 PM (3 years, 2 months ago)

Shit, sorry man. That must rip your heart out.

Probably should stay away from the psychedelics for a while until you have a chance to process--you might get your ass handed to you.

Maybe you and her can get some counseling? Untreated chronic pain can be a MF'er; treated it can sometimes be even worse. Opiates often turn people into complete, abusive assholes. Only you can know/decide if this is the case, or if your wife simply isn't the person you thought.

Best wishes to you.


--------------------
"What appears impenetrable to us does exist, manifesting itself in the deepest wisdom and the most radiant beauty" Einstein

"The conservatives of 70 years ago would be outraged at what has come to pass. It embodies everything they took up arms for to defeat"Asante


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Offlinestzacrack
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Re: In An Abusive Relationship, Need To Leave... [Re: WeAreMushroom]
    #25055180 - 03/10/18 10:18 PM (3 years, 2 months ago)

Hate to put it this way but stop being a pussy

Shes your wife, yea maybe she takes you fir granted and takes frustration out on you, but my first reaction was man this dudes gotta put his foot down

If leaving is your way of doing that, then fuck it you can do it bro

Juat remember YOURE NOT all those bad things she says you are, matter of fact you sound like an AWESOME guy

Hope you figure out how tot what you deserve, physically and emotionally


--------------------
You tryna' find a misses
I'm tryna' find them riches
So I started pimpin'
learnt how to monetize my bitches


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InvisibleJokeshopbeardM
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Re: In An Abusive Relationship, Need To Leave... [Re: stzacrack] * 2
    #25055560 - 03/11/18 06:31 AM (3 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

stzacrack said:
Hate to put it this way but stop being a pussy



Have you ever been in this situation?

It's the very antithesis of being a pussy.


--------------------
Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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InvisiblebodhisattaM
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Re: In An Abusive Relationship, Need To Leave... [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #25055870 - 03/11/18 11:46 AM (3 years, 2 months ago)

Kick her out and change the locks.

Pain and drugs don't make someone a bad person. Not all people go down that road with the same circumstance. Perhaps she acts better not on drugs but now you've seen that behavior is on her palate.


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OfflineCouchHatter
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Re: In An Abusive Relationship, Need To Leave... [Re: bodhisatta] * 1
    #25055978 - 03/11/18 12:45 PM (3 years, 2 months ago)

Not sure of your locale, but a shelter's resources may be more of an option to you than you'd think. The domestic shelters in my area are extremely resourceful and helpful, despite what I'd guess from my geography. Plugged into the community and filled with loving helpful people.

I implore you to seek some sort of assistance, counseling for yourself or the both of you, or simply talking about it with your close friend if that is not available to you. I've never experienced what you're going through but I have seen it secondhand. It's a difficult situation but not rare and you should not feel estranged asking for help, however embarrassing it may seem. Good luck my dude.


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Invisibletrolleytribe
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Re: In An Abusive Relationship, Need To Leave... [Re: WeAreMushroom]
    #25057379 - 03/12/18 12:44 AM (3 years, 2 months ago)

^^ what CouchHatter said ^^

domestic violence is domestic violence no matter who's on the losing end.  My sister heads a domestic violence nonprofit and she says they help all sorts of people . . . men, women, LGBTQ . . . there should be some sort of help line you can call in your area.  When I was removing myself from a similar bad situation, it helped just to go to a group meeting and hear other people's stories so I didn't feel so alone and stupid.  I guarantee there are other men in your situation wherever you live. 

And, can we Please (PLEASE) Stop calling men "Pussies"?!  please?  Pussies take a Pounding and produce new life . . . Balls are so tender, they shrink up in cold water . . . . .


--------------------
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OfflinemndfreezeM
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Re: In An Abusive Relationship, Need To Leave... [Re: WeAreMushroom]
    #25057884 - 03/12/18 10:15 AM (3 years, 2 months ago)

If you were dating my advice would be to just bail.  Go stay with family or a friend or whatever.

Since you are married and we don't know for how long, or any of the other circumstances in your life other then the small details you told us, I would definitely suggest you seek counseling.  It's not ok to be treated like that, at all, ever, but circumstances can cause people to do and act in ways they normally never would and I think you need to keep that in consideration but stay strong and firm about not allowing it to ever happen again or continue in any way shape or form.  If she resists, leave.  If she argues, leave.  In fact you probably should go stay in a hotel/friends/family anyway after telling her what she did was not OK, then later when things have cooled down and she has had some time to think about it, bring up counseling. 

If things have been bad for a long time and your marriage was already failing and you're already part way out the door in your head, well, then just cut the cord and get out.

People stay in bad or abusive relationships for a lot of reasons, but you never should and you're doing yourself and her a disservice by staying and allowing the cycle to continue.


--------------------
Nothing says love like grannies prolapsed anus!

quote]Urb said:
I know... Its fucked up... Ill fix it minyana..[/quote]


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Offlineparadoxlost
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Re: In An Abusive Relationship, Need To Leave... [Re: mndfreeze] * 2
    #25058784 - 03/12/18 06:47 PM (3 years, 2 months ago)

Learn judo, you can't hit a woman, but no one ever said anything about a nice gentle hip throw to remind a smaller human that if they want to play with power dynamics this way is shut.


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InvisibleMr.GuessWork
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Re: In An Abusive Relationship, Need To Leave... [Re: paradoxlost]
    #25061543 - 03/13/18 10:49 PM (3 years, 2 months ago)

I agree with jokeshopbeard for the most part. You can't live like that. In the best case you're both miserable, and in the worst case one of you gets hurt from the violence. Do what you have to do to feel like a responsible and well-minded adult, but get yourself some space to work the problem out in your head. You can't think if you're constantly being abused and trying to put up with that kind of BS. You can compassionately tolerate SOME bullshit, but at the same time you've got to hold her accountable for her actions and expect better.

I've got a family member that lives in constant pain, and he can be crotchety as all hell, throwing tantrums over little stuff. Pain does that to people for sure. He keeps his shit under control for the most part though and is otherwise a valuable human-being in my eyes, so I compassionately cut him some slack. I also tease him a bit and let him know when I think he's being an unreasonable asshole, since that's part of what friends and family do for each other. If he tried to attack me or some shit like your wife pulled, that would absolutely need to be resolved in a way that let me genuinely forgive him and put the event in the past, because I love the dude and I need to respect him as an equal. If I couldn't do that, then I'd escalate the problem like you're considering, OP. People seem to naturally take advantage of others in situations like these, especially when boundaries aren't made clear. I don't think it's done consciously or deliberately, but it happens all the same. If you're aware of that, then you can at least exercise some control over your part in it and not let your kindness be exploited in an excessive manner. There need to be both a mutual understanding AND a mutual respect in a relationship.

I'd try to catch your wife at a time when she's not feeling her worst, so it's easier for her to be reasonable, and then have a heart-to-heart where you make it clear that you feel abused and you think she can do better and NEEDS to do better. She'll probably forget and need to be reminded at time, so catch her in the act and point it out to her, but don't press the issue at the time since crotchety people suck at being rational. Don't cave in to her either though (it's a fine line). Be compassionate and understanding if you can, but not at the expense of the issue. Your not doing anybody any favors by letting this kind of shit continue unchecked. If you don't think you can manage to come to an understanding with her, then get a real divorce, take half your shit, steal your dog, and get the fuck out of there. That's your life too and you don't have to abandon it to get some god damned peace of mind.

You sound like you're in an abused state of mind. Go listen to 50 ways to leave your lover and get your thoughts and emotions on the same page. You've got lots of options.



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OfflinePatlal
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Re: In An Abusive Relationship, Need To Leave... [Re: WeAreMushroom]
    #25062183 - 03/14/18 09:43 AM (3 years, 2 months ago)

Quote:

WeAreMushroom said:
Hey guys. My wife is a chronic pain patient.

Her pain has been causing her a lot of emotional turmoil and anger. For the last three years that I've been helping her deal with this, she has treated me like absolutely garbage, verbally abusing me, ruining my confidence, etc.

Today she was whacked out on too much medicine and she actually hit me. Like, right in the face. My lip is all puffy and cracked.

I'm just in shock. I'm too embarrassed to call the police and say my wife is hitting me. I certainly can't hit her back because she's a woman.

I need to find a room to rent with some chill psychedelic minded people.

Anybody know where I can go to get away from this nightmare?

A battered women's shelter isn't an option when you're the husband and you're getting beat up on.

:feelsbadman:




Where do you live?


--------------------


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Invisiblekeyohnah
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Re: In An Abusive Relationship, Need To Leave... [Re: WeAreMushroom] * 1
    #25063644 - 03/14/18 08:20 PM (3 years, 2 months ago)

You are not responsible for her pain. You are not responsible for how she is able to cope with her pain. You are not responsible or to blame for the abuse she inflicts on you. You are not obligated to stay throughout the abuse. It is not your fault. Please remember that.


I don't know where you live, I have a feeling you probably aren't comfortable disclosing that on a public forum. If you feel comfortable, you can privately message me if you need help looking up resources. If not, my suggestion would be to start googling locations. Even if a domestic violence shelter or resource seems to be geared more towards women, call anyway. Explain your situation, they can give you additional resources if that's the route you want to go. If you don't feel comfortable calling, I will call my old agency tomorrow morning when they're open. Just let me know if you want me to do that.

A man abused is a person abused just like a woman abused is a person abused. The gender doesn't change that fact. It doesn't matter which gender is causing the abuse either. Abuse is abuse and it's not okay.

If you want to go a more traditional route, you can look up rooms for rent. But if you feel an emergent need to remove yourself, I would suggest looking up resources and calling to explain your situation.

Please don't hesitate to reach out if you need help pooling resources and finding a clear path to safety.


--------------------
"Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story."


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OfflineWeAreMushroom
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Re: In An Abusive Relationship, Need To Leave... [Re: keyohnah]
    #25065715 - 03/15/18 02:25 PM (3 years, 2 months ago)

I'm in the detroit metro area.

Thanks guys for all the outpouring of support I've gotten from everyone here.

It's been a long time since I heard from anybody that this thing isn't my fault.

My wife has an appointment to see a brain surgeon, hoping for a more permanent fix for her problem.

She just saw a pain management doctor who suggested her daily cocktail of .75mg xanax, 1-3 5mg norcos depending on her pain, TWO different daily muscle relaxers, and 300mg pregablin every day was quite enough without adding more opiates.

She can't really handle this or being told she needs to "pull it together."


At this point even the doctors are fed up with her demands.

I'm being treated for severe anxiety with 0.25mg xanax daily, and my wife simply can't handle that I have a xanax prescription that's 1/3 the strength of hers. Suddenly everything is to blame on my truly insignificant dose of anxiety medication.

All her pain, all her problems, everything I've said about her refusal to treat other people kindly through her pain are all my fault and the fault of my anxiety medication in her mind.


I think she's just mad that she's supposed to give up her benzos for more pain pills and I just got a script for my own. :shrug:

Women are absolutely crazy. Women in pain are on a whole other level of insane.


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Invisiblekeyohnah
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Re: In An Abusive Relationship, Need To Leave... [Re: WeAreMushroom] * 1
    #25065814 - 03/15/18 03:21 PM (3 years, 2 months ago)

I have someone looking into resources around your area right now in case that's the route you decide is best.

I'll update once I hear back, it shouldn't be long at all. Should be getting an email back any second.


--------------------
"Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story."


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Invisiblekeyohnah
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Re: In An Abusive Relationship, Need To Leave... [Re: WeAreMushroom] * 2
    #25065826 - 03/15/18 03:29 PM (3 years, 2 months ago)

The top recommendation that I received was in Ann Arbor which I know is a distance away from where you are but if you are unable to get there, they may have services to get you there. Any of the below would be good to call for ideas as well. If you need an immediate place to go, and would rather avoid an actual homeless shelter, SafeHouse was said to be the best option.

SafeHouse Center (Ann Arbor)
734-995-5444
http://www.safehousecenter.org/
provide shelter (serves male survivors) ,community support groups, individual counseling, legal advocacy and court accompaniment.



Haven - Oakland (pontiac)
(248) 334-1274
https://www.haven-oakland.org/
Shelter, counseling, advocacy, personal protective order assistance, 24/7 Crisis & Support Line, supervised exchanges. Domestic violence and Sexual Assault services for adults(men and women), teens, and child witnesses.

First Step (Plymouth)
734-722-6800
http://www.firststep-mi.org/
Comprehensive Services for domestic violence and sexual assault including: 24- hour toll free help line; temporary emergency shelter; individual & group counseling, legal advocacy, educational presentations.

Let me know if there's anything else that can be done.
:heart:


--------------------
"Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story."


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OfflinemickS
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Re: In An Abusive Relationship, Need To Leave... [Re: keyohnah]
    #25067594 - 03/16/18 02:10 AM (3 years, 2 months ago)

I'd be out of that situation and on to a better life for myself, and would expect my wife to do the same if the tables were flipped.

Time to leave bro, tell her best of luck and be on your way. This is assuming you don't have children together?


--------------------
notapillow said: "you are going about this endeavor all wrong. clear your mind of useless fear and concern. buy the ticket, take the ride, and all that.... "

ChrisWho said: "It's all about the journey, not the destination."


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Anonymous #1

Re: In An Abusive Relationship, Need To Leave... [Re: mick]
    #25082717 - 03/22/18 04:51 PM (3 years, 1 month ago)

.


Edited by Anonymous (10/27/19 11:47 AM)


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InvisibleMr.GuessWork
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Re: In An Abusive Relationship, Need To Leave... [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #25114180 - 04/04/18 07:20 PM (3 years, 1 month ago)

Since it seems like you're frustrated and trying to work through this problem rather than trying to bail, I think it would be a good idea for your wife to get a referral to a psychiatrist. You should try to get your wife on board and ask the pain management doc if he can give you a referral to somebody who might understand the psychology of pain and maybe addiction (not sure if that really applies, but I suspect it might have some overlap with what's going on if Doctors are getting fed up with "demands"). It sounds like she's lashing out from more than just pain though, and sitting around feeling shitty all the time will most definitely make pain feel less tolerable. I'd guess that your wife is depressed and frustrated as well, and understanding a bit about what's going on would probably help both of you cope with all this bullshit. This may be a case where some pharmaceuticals like antidepressants could help her feel a bit better, and some cognitive-behavioral and psycho-social therapy would probably make both your lives a little easier if each of you take it seriously. Just be careful and considerate with how you approach her on the subject if you dare to try (pissing her off and making her resistant to the idea of psych therapy will most definitely make life harder).


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