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OfflineMachineElf1.618
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I really really need relationship advice please...
    #24856249 - 12/19/17 04:54 PM (6 years, 3 months ago)

I would really appreciate a woman's perspective too. I met this girl about 3 weeks ago now. It was only supposed to be a booty call because she hasn't had sex since her abusive ex bf months ago. After talking for a couple days we both agreed there's something more there than just sex, so we postponed the sex and got closer. Now I'm crazy about her, like just mad in love, its pretty fucking gross haha. She tells me the feeling is mutual and she wants things to work, and she wants to keep me but..... her fuckin ex bf is kinda still in the picture.

She tells me she hates him and is trying to get rid of him, but doesn't want to hurt him because he is depressed. At the same time it sounds a bit like she still wants to be with him. I even asked her that if he magically became a better person and bf if she would go back. It took her 10 silent seconds to give me an answer. I was just watching her trying to work it out in her mind, and it just crushed me. He is still super controlling and checks up on her. We had sex for the first time over the weekend and he kept calling and calling until we had to stop so she can turn her phone off.

She is promising me that they aren't intimate and she really wants to be with me, but some of her actions indicate the opposite.I'm so fucking confused and don't know what to do. I'm really getting sick of it, and considering breaking things off with her. But a friend is telling me to give her sometime, I'm just confused and freaked as fuck of getting hurt. I haven't felt this way for a woman in a very very long time.

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OfflineOrion the hunter
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Re: I really really need relationship advice please... [Re: MachineElf1.618]
    #24856673 - 12/19/17 09:24 PM (6 years, 3 months ago)

Dude,you met her three weeks ago!!! It's not love but caring that you're feeling for this woman, keep things slow and don't let her play you!

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InvisibleJokeshopbeard
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Re: I really really need relationship advice please... [Re: MachineElf1.618]
    #24857060 - 12/20/17 05:26 AM (6 years, 3 months ago)

Mate, face facts. She's still well into her ex, that much is patently obvious, and if it's not that abusive prick she ends up with, it'll likely be another. Some people are just wired that way. It is what it is.

Walk away now before you get even more hurt than you already have been. There's millions more fish in the sea, go catch yourself a really good one.


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Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe

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OfflineBikerfool
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Re: I really really need relationship advice please... [Re: MachineElf1.618] * 1
    #24857428 - 12/20/17 10:05 AM (6 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

mtlmike90 said:
We had sex for the first time over the weekend and he kept calling and calling until we had to stop so she can turn her phone off.




Awkward...

Caution flag, pump the breaks buddy.

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Invisiblekoraks
Registered: 06/02/03
Posts: 26,697
Re: I really really need relationship advice please... [Re: MachineElf1.618] * 2
    #24857726 - 12/20/17 12:26 PM (6 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

mtlmike90 said:
She tells me she hates him and is trying to get rid of him, but doesn't want to hurt him because he is depressed. At the same time it sounds a bit like she still wants to be with him. I even asked her that if he magically became a better person and bf if she would go back. It took her 10 silent seconds to give me an answer. I was just watching her trying to work it out in her mind, and it just crushed me. He is still super controlling and checks up on her. We had sex for the first time over the weekend and he kept calling and calling until we had to stop so she can turn her phone off.




Okay, so a couple of things here. First of all, by asking her what she would do in the hypothetical situation where her ex would magically transform in someone irresistible to her (i.e. the man she once fell for, but without his difficult side), you put both yourself and her in a position where you clearly didn't want to be in. And you found out the hard way. There's no sense in crying over spilled milk, but realize that the question you asked was very much like the infamous "honey, does this dress make my ass look fat?"

This brings me to the second thing. I kind of want to echo what JSB said in the other thread that appeared today, about how misery loves company. I like that one, as it often seems to be true. Personally, I think that people who tend to provoke and indulge in drama will usually seek out partners who do the same. Mind you, I'm not being judgmental, I'm only observing something I have come across and have been involved in many times. Odds are your girlfriend is not entirely drama free, she kind of likes the emotional roller coaster that her ex bf put her in (with him snuggling down in the same ride of course), and now you two end up together. Your question about "what if he changed" was a good start of a little (or even a big) drama. You're confused and freaked as fuck, as you put it, so odds are you aren't exactly drama-resistant either. Maybe it all boils down to the difficulties many of us have when it comes to attachment. Your girl's ex was abusive, but odds are that she was very sensitive and vulnerable to his sort of abuse, possibly due to her own attachment issues (I'm going out on a limb here and I'm aware of it). By the sound of it, all three of you have your own attachment issues, and that's the one thing that you have in common. It's also the one thing that can create drama at some point - and apparently it already does.

As to attachment issues, don't try to see them as some sort of arcane ailment that needs to be cured. Firstly, insecure attachment is something that cannot be cured. It's part of who you are, a bit like your sexual orientation and being left- or right-handed. Secondly, attachment issues are extremely common - perhaps even the majority of the population exhibits them, or at least a very big minority. It's just what it is, and the only thing you can do, is try to live and cope with it. Which can be done, and it needn't be a big issue, neither does it always involve any kind of professional help. It all starts with recognizing what happens inside your own head and heart and try to master your feelings, instead of allowing them to rule your actions.

You could say that the above is a bit of a long-winded way of saying I (partly) agree with what has been said by the previous three posters, but with a few notes on my part:
* You don't necessarily need to run.
* The ex in question is not necessarily going to be the dealbreaker.
* If there will be a dealbreaker in this budding romance, it's likely going to be your own or your girl's own fears.

As to the ex: I would be strongly tempted in your place to side clearly with your girl, and not push her into her ex's arms. You sort of did the latter by asking if she still wanted to be with him. A better tactic, in my mind, would be to support your girl whenever she complaints about her ex, point out where he damaged or hurt her, genuinely try to understand how she feels and, in sort, stand by her side. That way, there's a good change that Mr. Ex will be driven off the scene quite soon. However, if you succumb to your own insecurity and keep fearing your girl running back to the old ex, then that's most likely what will happen.

Your girl apparently has a vulnerability that drives her into the arms of abusive (if that's truly what he is, but let's assume so) and/or emotionally unstable men. By the way you write about it all, you don't strike me as an abusive character. Emotionally unstable - perhaps. But of good will, in any case. That makes you a good candidate. And certainly by no means a lesser man than her ex. Be confident of that, support your girl in taking her much needed distance of her ex and enjoy the ride! Good luck and godspeed.

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InvisibleThayendanegea
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Re: I really really need relationship advice please... [Re: koraks] * 1
    #24858133 - 12/20/17 02:45 PM (6 years, 3 months ago)

Wow, there is a lot of well intended advice here....Koraks, you put a ton of thought into your post! There are some amazingly good people around here and it does my heart good to see the love in you all.:hug:

That said, OP....your gf is obviously having a hard time cutting the emotional ties with her old bf. An old friend of mine used to say..."Your actions are so loud, I can't hear a thing you're saying."....that would suit your gf to a T. You are clearly in the infatuation stage of a relationship and that can be a wonderful time, but can also plummet quickly and without warning.

I guess, my advice would be to go with your heart but take it slow. Communicate to her that her actions are disturbing and making it difficult to progress in the relationship. Don't give her an ultimatum...they never work out for the positive....give it some more time and see if things change.:sunny::peace:


--------------------
Look Deep Into Nature,and Then You Will Understand Everything Better.

Albert Einstein

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OfflineMachineElf1.618
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Re: I really really need relationship advice please... [Re: Thayendanegea]
    #24859089 - 12/21/17 12:16 AM (6 years, 3 months ago)

Thank you all for the advice, and Koraks that was amazing. I will follow this.

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OfflineLogicaL ChaosM
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Re: I really really need relationship advice please... [Re: MachineElf1.618] * 1
    #24898065 - 01/08/18 07:34 AM (6 years, 2 months ago)

Since this new girl in your life is still connected to her boyfriend, you are about to get your feelings hurt if u continue with her.

Ive been in a somewhat similar situation about 7 years ago. Had a girlfriend who wanted to break up with her boyfriend but hadnt yet. I was lonely and horny, so I fell into her lusty love trap. Shit happens right?

I would tell her u need full commitment, either me or him. Not both.


--------------------
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OfflineDeletrious
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Re: I really really need relationship advice please... [Re: LogicaL Chaos] * 2
    #24945335 - 01/27/18 04:53 AM (6 years, 2 months ago)

Listen to a woman's actions, not words.

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InvisiblePastywhyteMDiscord
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Re: I really really need relationship advice please... [Re: LogicaL Chaos] * 1
    #24949625 - 01/28/18 06:24 PM (6 years, 1 month ago)

Quote:

LogicaL Chaos said:
Since this new girl in your life is still connected to her boyfriend, you are about to get your feelings hurt if u continue with her.





Feelings hurt or his ass kicked. Affairs of the heart lead people to do strange things. Never assume some dude won't act chill and then put a hole in ya.

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OfflineMachineElf1.618
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Re: I really really need relationship advice please... [Re: Pastywhyte]
    #24955247 - 01/30/18 05:39 PM (6 years, 1 month ago)

Well to update you guys. I'm no longer seeing this girl, been about 2 weeks. It sucked the first couple days but then picked myself up and I found someone else. It baffles me how she flipped her feelings so fast when I did nothing wrong, I played it cool. All indications are she's back with her loser douche ex bf/bf. I still have her art book and need to find a way to give that back to her and I don't know what to say to her or if I even should say anything. In the end it was her loss, big time.

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OfflineDeletrious
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Re: I really really need relationship advice please... [Re: MachineElf1.618]
    #24958882 - 02/01/18 04:54 AM (6 years, 1 month ago)

Use the art book as a way to slay that puss once more and dismiss the hoe.

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OfflineMachineElf1.618
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Re: I really really need relationship advice please... [Re: Deletrious]
    #24960256 - 02/01/18 06:19 PM (6 years, 1 month ago)

Yep I decided not to do a damn thing. She's going to ask for her book back eventually, it's very personal to her. I'll see if I can smash one more time.

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InvisibleAroundtheSon
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Re: I really really need relationship advice please... [Re: MachineElf1.618] * 1
    #24962925 - 02/02/18 09:19 PM (6 years, 1 month ago)

Danger, Will Robinson

<guy

The shorter the roots, the faster the plant drys up.

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Offlinemyco myco unday
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Re: I really really need relationship advice please... [Re: AroundtheSon]
    #24990441 - 02/13/18 01:18 AM (6 years, 1 month ago)

You got good advice and made the right call dude. She's not over him. For all you know, they were never actually broken up and she cheated on him.

If you really are still interested in her, let her know that you are there for her when she figures this out. Tell her if she's done with him in the future, and actually done, not waffling, she should contact you.

Most likely though, she'd repeat this same pattern with you and it's better to stay away. You don't want to get yourself caught in the middle and you don't want to be the ex she's cheating on at the first sign of problems in a future relationship with her.

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OfflineMachineElf1.618
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Re: I really really need relationship advice please... [Re: myco myco unday]
    #25134368 - 04/12/18 09:59 PM (5 years, 11 months ago)

Well here's an update. We've been living together for almost a month now.

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OfflinemndfreezeMDiscordReddit
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Re: I really really need relationship advice please... [Re: MachineElf1.618]
    #25134472 - 04/12/18 10:54 PM (5 years, 11 months ago)

And what about her ex?  Seems a little fast to be moving in with someone but everyone is different.


--------------------
Nothing says love like grannies prolapsed anus!

quote]Urb said:
I know... Its fucked up... Ill fix it minyana..[/quote]

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OfflineLucisM
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Re: I really really need relationship advice please... [Re: MachineElf1.618]
    #25134633 - 04/13/18 01:26 AM (5 years, 11 months ago)

You're the rebound boy toy at the moment, I agree with jsb on this one.


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