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OfflineLost4Life
Stranger
Registered: 03/15/04
Posts: 15
Last seen: 12 years, 2 months
Critism on my Poem: The Awakening soul
    #2481200 - 03/29/04 08:45 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

I just wrote a little poem recently on the wonders of mushrooms and would like to know if other people enjoyed this poem as much as I do Please leave as much Critisim as possible.

The Awakening Soul

I was walking through life lost in a maze and a tiny little mushroom caught my gaze. I said hey little mushroom how have been .He replied I just fell from heaven would you like to come in. So I took up his offer and slowly relaxed as my soul followed him into a different past. I met his brother and soon after his sister as we danced and skipped away from this awful blister. We floated away happy and free on a cloud of enlightenment that took us to a tree. I talked to the being and soon enough my ego was lost in a droplet of water carried from her frost. She told me to be calm and not to worry for my life would be changed after this scurry. My new little friends stood by my side as they chanted and danced on this long journey to God. I could feel my entire being collapse as the reason for life feel into my lap. Soon thereafter I was awakened from my dream in a different world than I had just recently seen. I was back home and my journey was over but my small little world was changed forever. A tiny tear ran down my face as realized that this was actually a very beautiful place.


--------------------
I was born to die


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Invisiblequestion_for_joo
i'm left. youall can bite me
Registered: 04/30/03
Posts: 1,591
Re: Critism on my Poem: The Awakening soul [Re: Lost4Life]
    #2481238 - 03/29/04 08:54 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

I thought it was ok.
I think it would be more readable if it were broken into lines the way most poems are. It seems like there are words missing from some of the lines, maybe that's just a mistake in your typing it out though.
Some of the words don't make much sense to me, as though picked just for their rhyme: blister, scurry etc.


--------------------
youi was a pig informatnt so you can go fuckyoruselfs


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OfflineMojoRisin
journeyman
Registered: 08/06/03
Posts: 65
Last seen: 12 years, 5 months
Re: Critism on my Poem: The Awakening soul [Re: Lost4Life]
    #2481330 - 03/29/04 09:18 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

i like... i like.


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Offlinevade
veteran

Registered: 09/29/03
Posts: 1,737
Loc: Columbus, OHIO
Last seen: 8 months, 4 days
Re: Critism on my Poem: The Awakening soul [Re: Lost4Life]
    #2481581 - 03/29/04 10:16 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

i love the first sentance dude. :smile: thumbs up man.


--------------------
I've got this feeling that there's something that I missed...



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Offlinewhiterabbit13
I'm late

Registered: 02/21/04
Posts: 1,360
Loc: Down the rabbit hole
Last seen: 11 years, 1 month
Re: Critism on my Poem: The Awakening soul [Re: Lost4Life]
    #2481653 - 03/29/04 10:30 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

Fun topic, good so far.


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Offlinepeleg
Gypsy
Registered: 10/03/03
Posts: 535
Loc: Christ Light
Last seen: 12 years, 4 months
Re: Critism on my Poem: The Awakening soul [Re: vade]
    #2481658 - 03/29/04 10:31 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

kudos man sounds like your on da right path :thumbup:keep on trucking


--------------------
"Well the first days are the hardest days." When life looks like easy street there is danger at your door.....


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OfflineLost4Life
Stranger
Registered: 03/15/04
Posts: 15
Last seen: 12 years, 2 months
Re: Critism on my Poem: The Awakening soul [Re: Lost4Life]
    #2481682 - 03/29/04 10:35 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

Thanx everyone, that means alot to me


--------------------
I was born to die


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OfflineTheShroomHermit
Divine Hermit of the Everything
 User Gallery

Registered: 02/19/02
Posts: 7,575
Loc: border of Canada and Mexi...
Last seen: 1 year, 1 month
Re: Critism on my Poem: The Awakening soul [Re: Lost4Life]
    #2481887 - 03/29/04 11:21 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

If you are going to write a poem with structure, be sure that the structure remains intact throughout... else don't use structure at all. Also, instead of a paragraph format I would break it up into quatrains.

I was walking through life lost in a maze---------------------------a 10
and a tiny little mushroom caught my gaze.------------------------ a 11
I said hey little mushroom how have been--------------------------b 11
He replied I just fell from heaven would you like to come in.------b 15

This is what you wrote. To the side is the rhyme scheme and the number of syllables. Rhyme scheme and matching syllables are used to give the reader a rythm.

I was walking through life lost in a maze---------------------------a 10
when a miniature mushroom caught my gaze.---------------------a 10
I said, "Hey little guy, where have you been"?---------------------b 10
He said that he could show me from within.-------------------------b 10

That is only an example, I'm not trying to censor you in anyway.

Use these tools:
http://www.rhymezone.com/
-Rhyming dictionary
http://dictionary.com
-One word has many definitions, after all
http://thesaurus.com
-Just as many words have the same defintion.

I broke down your poem into quatrains, and labeled the schemes... I didn't count syllables, but you can! Also, there was one point where I couldn't clearly find a ryhme, oh well.

I was walking through life lost in a maze a
and a tiny little mushroom caught my gaze. a
I said hey little mushroom how have been b
He replied I just fell from heaven would you like to come in. b

So I took up his offer and slowly relaxed a
as my soul followed him into a different past. a
I met his brother and soon after his sister b
as we danced and skipped away from this awful blister. b


We floated away happy and free a
on a cloud of enlightenment that took us to a tree. a
I talked to the being and soon enough my ego was lost b
in a droplet of water carried from her frost. b


She told me to be calm and not to worry a
for my life would be changed after this scurry. a
My new little friends stood by my side as they b
chanted and danced on this long journey to god. c


I could feel my entire being collapse a
as the reason for life feel into my lap. a
Soon thereafter I was awakened from my dream b
in a different world than I had just recently seen. b

I was back home and my journey was over a
but my small little world was changed forever. a
A tiny tear ran down my face b
as realized that this was actually a very beautiful place. b

Remember to use grammer. Good luck.


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Offlinebutterflydawn
lucid dreamer
 User Gallery

Registered: 01/25/04
Posts: 1,794
Loc: lost at sea
Last seen: 1 year, 11 months
Re: Critism on my Poem: The Awakening soul [Re: Lost4Life]
    #2483196 - 03/30/04 11:39 AM (12 years, 8 months ago)

:thumbup: nice poem friend
keep writing


--------------------
lucidal expansion


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