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Offlineunsui888
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Registered: 10/11/08
Posts: 1,152
Loc: ca
Last seen: 17 days, 9 hours
Crush on a Good Friend
    #24685379 - 10/05/17 10:55 AM (3 years, 7 months ago)

So nearly two years ago I moved into a house next door to this beautiful young girl - we will call her C.  At the time she was seeing someone and I figured she was too young anyway (she is turning 22 in a couple weeks, while I am 29).  Well, she broke up with the dude a year ago, and over the past year we have been hanging out a lot, especially these past 6 months.  It is me, my best friend D, our friend R, and C... we are all very good, close friends and have been inseparable lately (if we hang out with anyone, it is with each other).  I had also been letting C crash on my couch, after she moved out of the spot next door to me, from April until August.  After hanging out with her more, and treating her to things, I seem to have developed a crush on her... I just think we would be a really good team.

Unfortunately, she is more of a "believer" than I, meaning she's into astrology, crystals, spirits, etc., while I am considered a "disbeliever" among our group of friends.  I also slipped back into heroin addiction from extreme depression due to my last break-up and my ex-gf taking both of our dogs (when I was supposed to keep one and she keep the other).  So to her, I feel like I'm a "disbelieving heroin addict"... but I do have other things going for me, since I make music and am a college professor. 

I wish I didn't develop feelings for her because I get the feeling it is not reciprocal.  She leaves on a 3-4 week trip to Mexico with her mom in a couple weeks for her 22nd birthday, and I was thinking of writing her a little note telling her how I feel, but I'm not exactly sure how I should approach it, or if I even should tell her in the first place, which would possibly make things awkward.  I have treated her with little cards, flowers, books, and dinner in the past few months, in which she always asks why I buy her stuff (to which I reply: because I want to express my love for you)... so I feel like she has to know I like her at least a little bit more than just a friend.

What do you guys think?  Should I tell her and potentially make things awkward within our friendship (I would consider her my best friend at this point)?  Or should I just keep it to myself?  Or perhaps I should ask her friends first?  I don't know, I am so lost right now, especially since I am in the throes of heroin addiction, trying to get clean.


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"a note for asses: what is very convincing, is not necessarily true - it is merely convincing"

primus------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------mama didn't raise no fool


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InvisibleJohnnieYen
Okay
I'm a teapot


Registered: 03/15/11
Posts: 3,486
Loc: City Z
Re: Crush on a Good Friend [Re: unsui888] * 1
    #24685600 - 10/05/17 12:41 PM (3 years, 7 months ago)

sounds like she is not into taking things further. IMO if you pursue it will get weird. You obviously need to sort yourself out first. get clean dude, thats the priority


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InvisibleAlexthegreat
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Registered: 09/17/15
Posts: 2,439
Loc: United States Flag
Re: Crush on a Good Friend [Re: JohnnieYen]
    #24685752 - 10/05/17 01:38 PM (3 years, 7 months ago)

Sounds a little complicated, therefore the answers will be as well. I'm sure you know this but I think it's important to reiterate the fact that you need to quit the heroin. What steps are you taking to quit your addiction? I'm astounded you have maintained such a powerful addiction and are a college professor simultaneously. To me, that sounds like at least at this point, you have a certain amount of self control.

You are already friends with her, she sleeps on your couch which is a sign that she trusts you, at least to a certain extent. That's a good sign considering she doesn't agree with some of your life choices so in my opinion, there is potential. I am NOT saying that to get your hopes up, just my observation from the little I know about the situation. If you decide that you want to pursue a relationship that is not platonic, at least you have that.

I'm willing to bet that she is aware you have feelings for her considering you buy things for her but I think at this point, you are wasting your money if your intentions are to win her over with the gifts. I'm sure she appreciates them though. The age difference could be a barrier. Probably not, that's not a huge age gap but typically it means you guys are probably at different parts of your life. Do y'all have similar goals in life?

It may be very difficult to develop a relationship and bump heroin. I don't know though, I have no experience. Right now prof., I think you need to fall back on what most people will tell you which is to trust your gut feeling. You are educated but no matter what, from my experience, infatuation and attraction can cloud judgement like no ones business. I would recommend that you remedy your addiction before you move forward with establishing a relationship, assuming she would be open to it even though y'all are very different. That's not always a bad thing though.

I wouldn't do anything before her trip except take steps to drop your addiction. I think it would be a great time to really focus on what you think is best and bettering yourself. Spend the time reflecting and thinking clearly. If you don't already, look into mediation it really is a powerful gift. It will be easier because she will not be around to distract you.

If you don't agree with anything I just said, I want you to listen to this most importantly homie. What is inevitable in this situation is change. If you so choose, you need to make these changes for YOU! Not her, not the possible reality of y'all getting together and having someone there with you, not fantasies of how your future can be, for you.

I'm sorry this was so long. I've been in a similar situation as you in a much younger, immature part of my life and I think I made the right decision. I would encourage you to work on you first. You got this bro. If you need someone to talk to, :pm:.


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InvisibleFruitOfLife
Professional Package Handler


Registered: 05/21/12
Posts: 4,830
Re: Crush on a Good Friend [Re: Alexthegreat]
    #24686613 - 10/05/17 08:13 PM (3 years, 7 months ago)

If you have gone this far without making a move then you are in the friend zone almost certainly. You need to quit buying her stuff because to a woman it looks like a bribe almost for sex or a relatonship. Just try to remain in a plutonic relationship with her at this point.

But if you choose to ignore this advice and you want to "express yourself to her" then for the love of God do not do it in a note/text/email etc... This shows zero confidence and if there WAS any attraction there from her, it will be gone because women like men who act like real men. Talk to her face to face, look her in the eyes, and tell her how you feel


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Offlineunsui888
Embodied

Registered: 10/11/08
Posts: 1,152
Loc: ca
Last seen: 17 days, 9 hours
Re: Crush on a Good Friend [Re: FruitOfLife]
    #24688293 - 10/06/17 02:14 PM (3 years, 7 months ago)

Thanks for the advice guys!

I wasn't ever trying to win her over with the gifts or anything... I have just been trying to be more loving and compassionate towards people, and sometimes the only way I think I can express my love is to treat someone to a little gift or something (especially since I am not a very emotional person).  And we're not that different... we both enjoy nature, art, music, and other things; it's just that I am a little bit skeptical, while she is a bit more open I guess you can say.  I have just fallen for her a little bit after hanging out so much, but I definitely did not plan to feel this way.  Fuck, I hate desire; it is truly the cause of all my suffering.


--------------------
"a note for asses: what is very convincing, is not necessarily true - it is merely convincing"

primus------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------mama didn't raise no fool


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Offlineunsui888
Embodied

Registered: 10/11/08
Posts: 1,152
Loc: ca
Last seen: 17 days, 9 hours
Re: Crush on a Good Friend [Re: unsui888]
    #24709414 - 10/14/17 02:23 PM (3 years, 6 months ago)

No one else has any advice for my poor soul? haha


--------------------
"a note for asses: what is very convincing, is not necessarily true - it is merely convincing"

primus------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------mama didn't raise no fool


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InvisibleJohnnieYen
Okay
I'm a teapot


Registered: 03/15/11
Posts: 3,486
Loc: City Z
Re: Crush on a Good Friend [Re: unsui888]
    #24713842 - 10/16/17 12:53 PM (3 years, 6 months ago)

don't pursue her


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InvisibleIbex-Trismegistus
Stranger

Registered: 03/25/16
Posts: 863
Re: Crush on a Good Friend [Re: unsui888]
    #24713868 - 10/16/17 01:07 PM (3 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

unsui888 said:
So nearly two years ago I moved into a house next door to this beautiful young girl - we will call her C.  At the time she was seeing someone and I figured she was too young anyway (she is turning 22 in a couple weeks, while I am 29).  Well, she broke up with the dude a year ago, and over the past year we have been hanging out a lot, especially these past 6 months.  It is me, my best friend D, our friend R, and C... we are all very good, close friends and have been inseparable lately (if we hang out with anyone, it is with each other).  I had also been letting C crash on my couch, after she moved out of the spot next door to me, from April until August.  After hanging out with her more, and treating her to things, I seem to have developed a crush on her... I just think we would be a really good team.

Unfortunately, she is more of a "believer" than I, meaning she's into astrology, crystals, spirits, etc., while I am considered a "disbeliever" among our group of friends.  I also slipped back into heroin addiction from extreme depression due to my last break-up and my ex-gf taking both of our dogs (when I was supposed to keep one and she keep the other).  So to her, I feel like I'm a "disbelieving heroin addict"... but I do have other things going for me, since I make music and am a college professor. 

I wish I didn't develop feelings for her because I get the feeling it is not reciprocal.  She leaves on a 3-4 week trip to Mexico with her mom in a couple weeks for her 22nd birthday, and I was thinking of writing her a little note telling her how I feel, but I'm not exactly sure how I should approach it, or if I even should tell her in the first place, which would possibly make things awkward.  I have treated her with little cards, flowers, books, and dinner in the past few months, in which she always asks why I buy her stuff (to which I reply: because I want to express my love for you)... so I feel like she has to know I like her at least a little bit more than just a friend.

What do you guys think?  Should I tell her and potentially make things awkward within our friendship (I would consider her my best friend at this point)?  Or should I just keep it to myself?  Or perhaps I should ask her friends first?  I don't know, I am so lost right now, especially since I am in the throes of heroin addiction, trying to get clean.




Dude, seriously, just wait on it.

Just wait until she gets back from mexico at least.

I have had these little "crushes" on girls who I was friends with, but I have ultimately found that these small attractions Will quickly fade, yet telling someone you have feelings for them can completely ruin your friendship.

Once, while on a fairly wild drug binge, I ended up telling a long time friend that I was in love with her through a text, however, as soon as I sobered up all I could think is "what was I thinking?", because I did not love this person at all, we'll, maybe as a friend, but certainly not in a romantic way. I think it was just the drugs, and remembering times when our friendship was close, because I had not talked to this person for a while before this happened. Any way, she responded by horribly making fun of me and telling everybody we know, doing all that she could to try to embarrass me, which all and all just proves what type of a friend she was to begin with. I am actually kind of glad that it happened because it got her to reveal her true colors, and to this day I refuse to talk to this person, but who knows, maybe if I had not done that I would still have her as a friend, even if she would have been a terrible friend any way.

I say just wait, it's probably just a small crush that will quickly pass, at least be 100% certain that you really feel that way.


--------------------
I've noticed that when people are joking they're usually dead serious, and when they're serious, they're usually pretty funny.-Jim Morrison

'Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.-Confucius —

When it gets down to having to use violence, then you are playing the system’s game. The establishment will irritate you – pull your beard, flick your face – to make you fight. Because once they’ve got you violent, then they know how to handle you. The only thing they don’t know how to handle is non-violence and humor.”― John Lennon

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InvisibleIbex-Trismegistus
Stranger

Registered: 03/25/16
Posts: 863
Re: Crush on a Good Friend [Re: Ibex-Trismegistus]
    #24713872 - 10/16/17 01:09 PM (3 years, 6 months ago)

Oh shit, if you are trying to get clean then avoid relationships at all costs, you need to.work on yourself at that point, there Will be plenty of girls later.


--------------------
I've noticed that when people are joking they're usually dead serious, and when they're serious, they're usually pretty funny.-Jim Morrison

'Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.-Confucius —

When it gets down to having to use violence, then you are playing the system’s game. The establishment will irritate you – pull your beard, flick your face – to make you fight. Because once they’ve got you violent, then they know how to handle you. The only thing they don’t know how to handle is non-violence and humor.”― John Lennon

This account as been hacked! It is still being messed with by an intruder.


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InvisibleCookieCrumbsM
Fucked off to the pub
Female User Gallery

Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 13,625
Re: Crush on a Good Friend [Re: JohnnieYen]
    #24713926 - 10/16/17 01:30 PM (3 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

JohnnieYen said:
sounds like she is not into taking things further. IMO if you pursue it will get weird. You obviously need to sort yourself out first. get clean dude, thats the priority




Yeah the situation might change after you get clean but it sounds like you have no chance atm.


Appreciate the friendship.


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          :dancingbear: Free time is the only time :dancingbear:                    :thatsinteresting:


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Offlinebigbadwoooof
Stranger
Registered: 06/20/16
Posts: 10
Last seen: 3 years, 6 months
Re: Crush on a Good Friend [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24746666 - 10/30/17 12:59 AM (3 years, 6 months ago)

You gota lay it out clearly and honstly that you dont want to ruin your friendshuf


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Offlinebigbadwoooof
Stranger
Registered: 06/20/16
Posts: 10
Last seen: 3 years, 6 months
Re: Crush on a Good Friend [Re: CookieCrumbs]
    #24746668 - 10/30/17 01:00 AM (3 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

CookieCrumbs said:
Quote:

JohnnieYen said:
sounds like she is not into taking things further. IMO if you pursue it will get weird. You obviously need to sort yourself out first. get clean dude, thats the priority




Yeah the situation might change after you get clean but it sounds like you have no chance atm.


Appreciate the friendship.




Getting clean is always a long ways away though!


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InvisibleIbex-Trismegistus
Stranger

Registered: 03/25/16
Posts: 863
Re: Crush on a Good Friend [Re: bigbadwoooof]
    #24751490 - 11/01/17 09:50 AM (3 years, 6 months ago)

Quote:

bigbadwoooof said:
Quote:

CookieCrumbs said:
Quote:

JohnnieYen said:
sounds like she is not into taking things further. IMO if you pursue it will get weird. You obviously need to sort yourself out first. get clean dude, thats the priority




Yeah the situation might change after you get clean but it sounds like you have no chance atm.


Appreciate the friendship.




Getting clean is always a long ways away though!





Why?

Getting "clean" happens as soon as you stop using drugs.

Being against ever using a psychoactive substance isn't the way to go either though. Have you ever met straight edge people? Or people who belong to sobriety cults like AA or NA? These people are insufferable.

You have to be selective, only use cannabis and psychedelics, rather than using destructive substances.


--------------------
I've noticed that when people are joking they're usually dead serious, and when they're serious, they're usually pretty funny.-Jim Morrison

'Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.-Confucius —

When it gets down to having to use violence, then you are playing the system’s game. The establishment will irritate you – pull your beard, flick your face – to make you fight. Because once they’ve got you violent, then they know how to handle you. The only thing they don’t know how to handle is non-violence and humor.”― John Lennon

This account as been hacked! It is still being messed with by an intruder.


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