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The last ten years of my life has been kind of strange. Like there is something missing in me. I dont quite feel "there". I dont really feel anything anymore. Joy, hate, compassion, love. Not even rage. When something happens that i know should make me really pissed of i start trying to provoke myself. To emulate the real feeling. It may look believable and sometimes even feel like it but the edge is simply not there. I go out and party, meet girls and have sex every once in a while yet at the end of it all i know that deep inside of me i feel nothing. I didn't really have fun, my feeling for the girl where fake and I'm still just and lonely as the night before.
Sometimes i fear that there is a conspiracy against me, and that the people i trust the most secretly drugs me to keep me docile and in line, fearing that the real me will once again surface and wreak havoc amongst them. Everyone prefers me the way i am today, responsible, calm and ambitious. Everyone but me... I know that i will probably never be that guy again. Never feel things so intensely and see things so clearly. I can feel my energy being drained.
I know some thoughts i have are just paranoid delusions, constructs that my mind made up to bring order in to chaos, but still i wonder. I haven't done any drugs for about 9 months so i know I'm not suffering from some kind of episode and i really haven't done any massive amounts of drugs in a long time either so i doubt i have permanently friend my brain but who know?
I dont really know why i wrote this. My mind just feels so heavy. I need to vent.
Old souls that have expirenced a vast many things before often arent emotionally excited to the same repeated events.
The decision in my life I have made (which is mostly true, with a hint of falseness ) to live this life for the service of others and to act as a catalyst for their evolution. It is a very narrow path and I accept that.
The illusion does not cause me pain or emotional distress. Its fake. What is real is now, keeping the future in mind, and facing the past, as well as your fears. As to feeling alone, I promise you; you are not alone. I'm sure you affect others in ways you cant conceive because it wasnt meant for you to conceive or think about. Just react to things the way you are.
Be positive and surrender to peace. Resistance leads to lots of conf(del)usion