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Anonymous #1

When to start dating again?
    #24552239 - 08/14/17 01:43 AM (3 years, 8 months ago)

I lost my wife 6 months ago after a long battle with heart disease brought on by complications of type 1 diabetes and kidney failure. I was crushed by her death; in retrospect I had invested much into trying to help her, the loss and grief was also greatly compounded by a feeling of failure. I subsequently climbed into a bottle and contemplated suicide. Just went on a rampage.

But as of late I am feeling like I have accepted things and am now feeling very alone and want to get on with life. I have begun to take better care of myself (cut down the drinking and have lost 30 lbs) and while I still miss her, I don't want to be alone. I have decided (I think) that I want to start dating again or at least looking. Things are a lot different now on that front but I'm sure I can adapt. However I'm worried about how my friends, family and, inlaws will feel.

Maybe 6 months is not really a long time and I worry that people might not understand or may judge me negatively. My inlaws are great people and I also worry about how they would feel. My mother also loved my wife like a daughter, I even worry about how she would react. I know she is still crushed by this.

I'm not even looking to get married again or even a girlfriend, I just want to be able to take someone out for dinner or go to a movie. Things that I don't want to do alone. Things that if I was to do with my married friends, would make me feel like a 3rd wheel.

I'm not that old but I ain't getting any younger either. It's not easy for me to meet new people either, but I feel like I should at least try. Am I way off base? Do I need more time? How do I tell people? Any dating tips would also be welcome. Suggestions or advice is welcome.


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InvisibleMasked
The Nutter
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Registered: 11/26/12
Posts: 8,932
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Re: When to start dating again? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #24552310 - 08/14/17 03:16 AM (3 years, 8 months ago)

First of all, I am so very sorry for your loss.  I can't imagine what you feel and what you have been through.  My condolences

Second, from personal experience of loss, you MUST love yourself and be happy with yourself before seeking it out in another.  You say you feel lonely.  Well, dating and Fucking won't change that in the end.

That being said, we are biologically programmed to seek out companionship.  And a distraction that gets your feel good brain chemicals raging can't hurt.  Just be sure to be honest and up front with anyone you may meet.

I understand the hesitation in regards to family.  Your personal life doesn't have to be on display.  I suggest just keeping your cards a little closer to your chest on that one.  At the end of the day, you know you and your needs better than anyone.  People who truly care about you will not judge you

I recommend the dating apps like tinder.  It's painless and easy and cheap to meet like minded people.


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Anonymous #1

Re: When to start dating again? [Re: Masked]
    #24552360 - 08/14/17 04:13 AM (3 years, 8 months ago)

Thank you for your response. Some good points. I should clarify that I'm not feeling lonely per say. I am fine being by myself. It's more that I'm alone, which is kind of frustrating at times. It's not that I need someone in order to feel self worth, rather that I used to like to go to movies or to a nice restaurant but it feels odd to do such activities by myself. It feels worse to do that with another couple (3rd wheel) and at my age all my friends are either married or engaged.

That's not my only motivation of course but being able to engage in such activities would feel good. Sex isn't something I absolutely need and neither is constant companionship. Will look into the online apps like you suggested.


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InvisibleMasked
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Re: When to start dating again? [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #24552381 - 08/14/17 04:37 AM (3 years, 8 months ago)

That's some solid needs that I can understand and relate too.

There is no "timeline" for loss.  Everyone grieves for different periods and in different ways.

You sound well aware of your emotions and needs and i support the idea of you looking for some companionship.  I think it will do you some good.  It gets you out doing some activities too like you talked about.

I fell in love with someone long distance when I wasn't even planning to. Lol

I'm sure some surprises will come your way too on this path.


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Edited by Masked (08/14/17 05:31 AM)


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Anonymous #1

Re: When to start dating again? [Re: Masked]
    #24554703 - 08/15/17 01:35 AM (3 years, 8 months ago)

So you figure I got nothing to feel guilty about but should keep my intentions from my family and friends. For how long would you say? Maybe until I meet someone I feel serious about and casual stuff just keep to myself?


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InvisibleJokeshopbeardM
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Re: When to start dating again? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #24554886 - 08/15/17 04:14 AM (3 years, 8 months ago)

I really apologise if this brings up painful feelings for you OP, but the question I would be asking myself in your shoes is 'how would she feel if she could speak from the other side'?

As long as you're at peace with that, I say go and do whatever feels right, and to hell with who knows what you're doing.


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Let it be seen that you are nothing. And in knowing that you are nothing... there is nothing to lose, there is nothing to gain. What can happen to you? Something can happen to the body, but it will either heal or it won't. What's the big deal? Let life knock you to bits. Let life take you apart. Let life destroy you. It will only destroy what you are not.
--Jac O'keeffe


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InvisibleMasked
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Re: When to start dating again? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #24554917 - 08/15/17 05:00 AM (3 years, 8 months ago)

Well I'm not one for keeping secrets

What i meant more is, why do you feel the need to share your intentions at this point, when your motives are for some potentially innocent company? Is it because of a potential guilt involved and hoping these people will give you the two thumbs up and absolve you of this guilt?

I guess I just feel that your personal life in regards to the company you keep and how you move on and grieve, doesn't need the stamp of approval of those around you.

If they catch wind and ask, by all means be honest.  If you get serious with someone, perhaps you might want to talk to the people close to the situation.  But other than that, I feel it's okay to have some privacy

You seem to be very aware of your emotions and needs and what you seek is harmless.

I also don't think laying questions on yourself like "would I be okay with her doing this if I was gone instead" is helpful or productive to your grief and life in general.


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OfflineTheHunt
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Registered: 01/10/17
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Re: When to start dating again? [Re: Jokeshopbeard]
    #24554946 - 08/15/17 05:30 AM (3 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

Jokeshopbeard said:
I really apologise if this brings up painful feelings for you OP, but the question I would be asking myself in your shoes is 'how would she feel if she could speak from the other side'?

As long as you're at peace with that, I say go and do whatever feels right, and to hell with who knows what you're doing.



I can say with a fair amount of confidence that the other side feels much love, compassion, and unity.


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This is not a game. We are not players. We do not play.
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Anonymous #1

Re: When to start dating again? [Re: TheHunt]
    #24567296 - 08/20/17 02:09 PM (3 years, 8 months ago)

Update, I went on a dating app and started to chat a lot with a pretty cool woman. We had our first date last night. I think I really like her. Only 1 problem. I found out she is an escort. She doesn't know that I know, I'm going to let her tell me when she is ready. Common sense is telling me that I'm an idiot, but I really had fun with her.

Am I insane for even considering to continue to see her? I think she is beautiful, has excellent taste in art and culture which mirrors mine. I guess in my mind, short term I have no real issue with her occupation but, should I even entertain the idea of having a short relationship with her? How long should I wait for her to tell me?


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Anonymous #1

Re: When to start dating again? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #24592020 - 08/31/17 01:29 AM (3 years, 8 months ago)

So I am still seeing this woman, she is super awesome, we have such great conversation, similar interests etc. But she still hasn't told me what her occupation is. I feel like that should be a problem but as soon as I'm with her I forget all about that side of things. I'm not sure what the hell I should be doing here. Should I just break it off and focus on myself or do I pursue this and hope it works out? Feel pretty unsure of myself.

I guess that my only worry is that if I do let her go that I might miss out on a really good thing. But then again I might also save myself a lot of grief. No idea what to do. Maybe it is too soon for me to be dating or considering a relationship.


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OfflineMostresticator

Registered: 11/30/16
Posts: 80
Last seen: 2 years, 11 months
Re: When to start dating again? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #24595068 - 09/01/17 05:45 AM (3 years, 8 months ago)

Did you ask what her occupation is? I don't tell people what I do unless people ask.


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Invisiblekoraks
Registered: 06/02/03
Posts: 26,048
Re: When to start dating again? [Re: Mostresticator]
    #24595098 - 09/01/17 06:47 AM (3 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

Mostresticator said:
Did you ask what her occupation is? I don't tell people what I do unless people ask.



Exactly.

Also, I honestly think it's a bit odd (and probably not a good idea) to maintain this sort of information asymmetry. I mean, OP, you know what her occupation is, but you keep waiting for her to start about it, but obviously she doesn't know that you know this. From an ethical viewpoint, I have my doubts about this. More importantly, I think keeping it this way and waiting until she comes clear may actually damage your trust (and ultimately, hers) more than bringing it out in the open.


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Anonymous #1

Re: When to start dating again? [Re: koraks]
    #24595223 - 09/01/17 08:21 AM (3 years, 8 months ago)

Some excellent points. Thank you. She told me last night that she wants to take our relationship to another level. So if she doesn't say anything about it soon then I will. I feel rude not having inquired to begin with, it's very unlike me. I definitely want to clear the air.

I am however pretty sensitive to people who may not have a traditional income. While I have a really good 9-5 job I also gain money from other avenues. She asked me last night why I always carry around a large stack of cash and asked me point blank if I was a drug dealer. I was able to confidently say I wasn't (I'm really not) but at that moment I realized how tricky it can be to get questions like that. I am going to have to be diplomatic if I do end up needing to be the one to bring it up. I really like her and don't want to hurt her needlessly.


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