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Anonymous #1

monogamy?
    #24516897 - 07/29/17 09:57 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

I just hooked up with this girl like, right after she dumped her boyfriend of a year or two, the problem is I want to pimp it. I want a poly-amorous relationship and I'm afraid she will feel like I'm just cheating on her like her last boyfriend. I really care for her but we are both young and I feel like the best way to have a healthy solid relationship that is marriage worthy is to experience as many people as possible so you can know what you want. if you marry the person you have your first relationship with it will fail because you don't know how to have a good relationship.not that it's my first relationship I just don't want to hurt her or mislead her into thinking I want to be exclusive, we have been spending a lot of quality time together and getting close. but on the other hand I really really like this girl and she's making me question my previous decision to chase tail


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Anonymous #1

Re: monogamy? [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #24516921 - 07/29/17 10:06 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

we are going to talk tomorrow, I just don't quite know what I'm going to say. I think I'm just going to tell her that if what she is looking for monogamy then I can't provide that for her. then explain what I'm looking for and see how she reacts.
Any suggestions?


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Invisiblesudly
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Re: monogamy? [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #24516992 - 07/29/17 10:38 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

I suppose being up front about what you want is the most genuine way to handle something like this but even so I think it can be risky because sometimes people don't necessarily want to have a relationship but at the same time being in an open relationship just isn't an option.

Personally I was open about wanting friends with benefits with the people I met and one girl said she'd cry if I saw someone else.

At some point or another I've also brought up that I was not in love with them because I wasn't, but nevertheless I enjoyed their company and have made some merry friends along the way.


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Anonymous #1

Re: monogamy? [Re: sudly]
    #24517022 - 07/29/17 10:56 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

I will probably just tell her we can't see each other if monogamy is the only option. we have already decided not to define anything yet. we aren't together and mostly on the same page, I'm just not sure if she fully understood what I meant. she's pretty smart so I think she did, but I have to be sure. I know she could handle it if I bring it up, but being okay with me actually seeing other people at the same time is a whole other story. I just don't want to hurt her even if she is just good at hiding it.. her reaction will hopefully give me a good idea of how she would take it. ideally we would be each other's wingmen with benefits. I would just rather not be with her than hurt her.


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Invisiblekoraks
Registered: 06/02/03
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Re: monogamy? [Re: Anonymous #1] * 2
    #24517472 - 07/30/17 06:54 AM (3 years, 9 months ago)

OP, you're opening a whole can of worms with this one. Be prepared for some really complex situations and emotions popping up in your future. I'm not saying you shouldn't do this, but be aware that a non-monogamous relationship involves a whole slew of issues that you'll have to learn to navigate and there's no really solid 'how to' advice that will ensure you'll make it work. Plus, it just isn't for everybody.

Firstly, a small disclaimer. I myself have only very (and I mean, very!) limited experience with non-monogamous relationships. On the other hand, I have discussed the nature of such relationships and personal experiences with dozens of people who had been or have been in such relationships. Each story is different, as every relationship is unique. I'll try to share a few of the things that have stuck with me from these conversations as well as my own experiences/feelings.

One thing that seems particularly relevant is the intention or desire that is the basis for non-monogamy. I think this is a challenging issue in itself, as ideally, it involves a good balance between wanting to serve your own needs as well as those of the other person(s) involved. I think this is challenging especially in young people, as in my experience, it takes time to really appreciate the needs of your partner(s) and to appreciate how they mirror (albeit it usually in a different form) your own needs. It's one thing to admit to yourself that you want to have the freedom to explore other people, but it's another thing to truly wish for the other to enjoy the same and to find peace in that.

Another thing is the more practical side of things. Non-monogamy comes in an endless variation of forms and I've never seen people who did things in exactly the same way. One common denominator among the more successful people in this respect is the nature of their communication. I've seen arrangements ranging from "we agree to be open, but not talk about what exactly happens with whom and when" to "we are completely open in every respect and at every time." It seems that only the latter has any chance of success. Completely transparent communication is challenging in the sense that you are continuously confronted with your own fears and emotions, and that seems exactly the reason why some people choose not to be entirely open. But the latter invariably seems to fail at some point; ignoring emotions or shoving them under the carpet is a recipe for disaster, as any feelings of jealousy or uncertainty tend to fester under the surface until it all erupts and explodes in your face. The whole process of being open in terms of communication, being receptive to your own emotions and fears as well as those of the other people involved, is very time consuming and emotionally taxing at times. Be prepared to spend a whole lot more time exploring and discussing your (plural) feelings than actually doing fun stuff with other people, particularly in the early stages of building a non-monogamous relationship - although frequent and open communication will remain essential throughout the process.

Then there is the issue of emotions, fears and jealousy. These will pop up, and they will have a severe impact. I think that it's only possible to have a non-monogamous relationship if you are able to deal with your fears, as e.g. jealousy tends to originate in fear. The fear of being rejected, of not being good enough for the other person, of other people being better than you. Basically, everyone has insecurities to some extent and having a non-monogamous relationship is something that forces you (violently, at times) to face these insecurities and deal with them over a longer period of time. Be prepared to commit to a process of very profound personal growth and I guarantee you that this WILL be very difficult and frustrating. It's not going to be a walk in the park and it's not going to be a process that is all fun.

On a very practical level, you'll have to figure out how to distribute your attention over several people at once, which brings the possibility (certainty) of conflict at some point. Having fun with several people next to each other also brings the necessity to keep giving each other attention. It will cost loads of time and failure to give one or more people the attention they need to deal with the situation you're in together, will low up in your face. That's a hard guarantee and be prepared for this to happen at some point. It's only partly a matter of trying to prevent this (which is a good thing), but the real trick is in dealing with this kind of thing when (not if) it pops up. Building trust is a long and arduous process, and trust tends to be destroyed at a much faster rate than you can build it. So you'll be spending a lot of time and effort building and maintaining trust.

Finally, a note on uncertainty. You're entering a process for which the only guarantee is that its course and outcome will be uncertain. You can only acknowledge this to yourself and to others. Many things you can anticipate to be difficult and it's best to recognize these. And things will pop up that you hadn't even thought about and they'll bite you in the ass unexpectedly. Be prepared for this and talk to each other frequently about this. How are you going to signal to yourself and others that something has gone awry? How will you deal with these unexpected occurrences? How are you going to detect and deal with a breakdown of communication? How are you going to spot and repair problems with negative feelings that will pop up for sure? How will you deal with mistakes you make? For the largest part, you cannot answer these questions in advance, but you'll have to keep building on any provisional answers you can give at any stage in the process.

Quote:

I feel like the best way to have a healthy solid relationship that is marriage worthy is to experience as many people as possible so you can know what you want



I picked this bit from your initial post because having said all of the above, I think there's a huge challenge hidden in this. I can understand and recognize your desire to know what you want, but it illustrates the challenge of all the unknowns you are dealing with. I take it you are young and relatively inexperienced when it comes to long-term (lasting several years) relationships. That's no shame, but realize very well that the less you know about yourself, the more likely you're going to run into very serious problems arranging a healthy non-monogamous relationship. Generally, I see this failing miserably in younger adults and the cause always seems to be associated with a lack of understanding of people's own personalities and fears/insecurities. Even so, the experience can/will be very educational, but keep in mind that the chance of failure vastly outstrips the chance of success (however you define that in this context...)

Basically, you're taking a huge gamble on this - and in saying this, I realize you may experience it to be a gamble that you simply cannot NOT take, as you feel you have the inherent need to explore other people at the same time. But keep in mind that it's a gamble and just like in a casino, the house tends to win more than the player. It's sad but true. Then again, occasionally someone hits the jackpot and much more often than that, people at least learn to deal with the occasional (catastrophic) loss and learn to what extent they are capable and willing to commit to the stakes that are called for in the game you play.


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Invisiblesudly
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Re: monogamy? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #24517503 - 07/30/17 07:42 AM (3 years, 9 months ago)

Yeah so in my experience dates and just dates go well with FWB, hence the friend part. I think that's a good way to be with a girl in such a way and not hurt her by giving the impression that it's only the sex that you want and not the companionship or friendship you have.


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I am whatever Darwin needs me to be.



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Invisiblekoraks
Registered: 06/02/03
Posts: 26,048
Re: monogamy? [Re: sudly]
    #24517508 - 07/30/17 07:51 AM (3 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

sudly said:
Yeah so in my experience dates and just dates go well with FWB, hence the friend part. I think that's a good way to be with a girl in such a way and not hurt her by giving the impression that it's only the sex that you want and not the companionship or friendship you have.



Absolutely, this can work perfectly fine, although it's usually a temporary arrangement. My previous post was really about navigating a non-monogamous relationship. However, this is different from a transitional period of dating, in which it is perfectly possible that you find yourself drawn to a particular person and focus more and more on them while moving away from exploring others. I think to some extent, it needs to be understood among people in the dating scene that a period of dating is inherently non-exclusive - obviously, you'll have various contacts at the same time and the uncertainty of where these contacts are going is inherent to the process. Nothing wrong with making this explicit to the girl you fancy most at the moment. From there on, it may evolve in whatever kind of relationship that seems to work best or you may find that the initial attraction is just not deep enough to stick together. I think it's good to just acknowledge that you have to find your way without necessarily attempting to build a long-term non-monogamous relationship.


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Anonymous #1

Re: monogamy? [Re: koraks]
    #24518118 - 07/30/17 03:22 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

goddamn, that's a lot to reconcile. what do you think I should say to this girl? I really really like her and I would rather not be with her than hurt her, I want her in my life regardless of how things turn out. I want to keep seeing her physically and romantically but being tied down is what scares me. I mainly want to keep things to where if we do ever end things we can still be friends and do things together. even if I leave her for someone else


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Anonymous #1

Re: monogamy? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #24518288 - 07/30/17 04:38 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

we decided it's not a good time for us to be involved. she would be hurt if I'm involved with other people at the same time as other people. it's all she's ever known is monogamy.  that doesn't mean we can't spend time together and get to know each other


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Anonymous #1

Re: monogamy? [Re: sudly]
    #24519033 - 07/30/17 09:27 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

sudly said:
Yeah so in my experience dates and just dates go well with FWB, hence the friend part. I think that's a good way to be with a girl in such a way and not hurt her by giving the impression that it's only the sex that you want and not the companionship or friendship you have.



I wish we could make something like this work but it would hurt her if I was seeing more women than just her. I don't know what to do, we both feel like we should't be together atleast yet. but she's been all I think about


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OfflineMostresticator

Registered: 11/30/16
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Re: monogamy? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #24519148 - 07/30/17 10:15 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

Or you could just try monogamy for the hell of it rather than complain about it. Or just not be with her. Its that black and white with her. To me, that's what your options sound like with her.


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Anonymous #1

Re: monogamy? [Re: Mostresticator]
    #24519165 - 07/30/17 10:21 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

I've been leaning that way a lot more.  but that doesn't mean it's the right time for either of us.


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Invisiblekoraks
Registered: 06/02/03
Posts: 26,048
Re: monogamy? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #24519601 - 07/31/17 04:15 AM (3 years, 9 months ago)

Ouch, that evidently didn't really go as you had hoped, I imagine. It's quite a thing to pile onto someone and it's not surprising that her response wasn't particularly positive. The suggestion of being non-monogamous usually feels a bit like rejection to someone who hasn't explored that issue before and hasn't come to grips with it. I think it's now a matter of going with the flow, and hopefully not cutting off all ties with her. Keep talking and if possible spending time with her. Who knows what the situation will involve in and maybe you'll realize you want to focus all your energies on her despite your current thoughts about non-monogamy. Or maybe she'll learn to appreciate you despite the thoughts you have and that she finds threatening. There's just no telling what will happen, but if you really like each other, something may very well flourish between the two of you.


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Anonymous #1

Re: monogamy? [Re: koraks]
    #24520658 - 07/31/17 05:02 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

we are still on really good terms and she sees where I'm coming from. I'm just insanely glad she was truthful with me and didn't say she would be okay with it when that definately wouldn't be the case. I am really liking how much respect and communication we have for each other. I did talk to her after the fact about how that wasn't the only option and she said she still feels like we shouldn't be involved. atleast for a month or two.  I understand completely, that gives her time to get settled into the changes that are going on in her life and it gives me time to explore partners. there's nothing for me to be upset about. at first I was a little torn up because I really like her but that subsided when I got it through my head that this is temporary
in all reality I am probably not ready to have a non-monogamous relationship. a monogamous relationship is hard enough.  let alone all the jealousy I would have to deal with..  I was really just scared out of getting to close to anyone after my last relationship. the plan is to dick around and get a few dates before she is ready to try things again, hopefully that will help me find out what I am really looking for. I just need to push myself to actually do that, it's hard to be so blunt without building something first


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InvisibleMojo
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Re: monogamy? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #24522404 - 08/01/17 11:19 AM (3 years, 9 months ago)

I don't see any failures here.  Two people that can communicate authentically, as you two are, will surely create something meaningful.

Good luck, and way to represent your desires bravely in the face of precieved loss :thumbup:


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Anonymous #1

Re: monogamy? [Re: Mojo]
    #24522461 - 08/01/17 11:52 AM (3 years, 9 months ago)

you are absolutely right, we haven't lost anything


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OfflinemndfreezeM
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Re: monogamy? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #24534110 - 08/06/17 07:23 AM (3 years, 9 months ago)

Honesty needs to be the first pillar when building a solid relationship.  From there you can build your base outward, and progress upward and as long as you stay true to that first pillar, you can work through most anything else if  you want to.

I've had a limited polyish relationship as well, it started with me and a girl but I wasn't in a place where I wanted to be tied down.  We were dating and friends but no real boundries or anything, though we naturally fell into a monogamous setup anyway, until another female friend moved in when she needed a place to stay.  We were all friends and the girls apparently were bi-curious, of which i found this out as a threesome started. lol....

Anyway, it was fun and it worked out decently well because we were all friends and there was no specific relationship one way or th eother that we had.  Eventually though it did fall apart as it was more friends and fun then love and forever. 

The girl I was 'seeing' first did start to have more serious feelings for me and did state such and it did start to create a strain on the poly aspect of things, but because she was honest and up front about it we were able to at least talk it out instead of having something implode horribly.

I really believe that the variables between just 2 people are massive and can be tough to navigate even for the most emotionally in touch and stable people out there.  When you add a third human the number of ways things can go horribly wrong gets exponentially larger, and may require an even more very specific set of people to make work.

Just think about how hard it is to find ONE other person you can fall in love with and really spend the rest of your  life with.  Then try to find a second.  And that second has to also love your other love, or at the very least like them enough to share you.  Shit gets complicated as fuck but is possible.  Not even talking about things like jealousy, which is a real motherfucker to deal with and sneaks in your life in ways you never thought possible, whispering dark things in the back of your brain without you even realizing. 

But in the beginning, it takes honesty to start building the pillar on which it all stands.  You did good OP by being honest about things and perhaps you should continue that trend but stop looking for anything specific one way or the other?  You never know, monogamy might be exactly what you want you just don't know it yet because you feel you're missing something.  The fact that you feel the way you do about her, and she respects you and was honest with you in return is already quite a find in today's world.  I think you definitely should stay friends with her if she stimulates you that way, and that temporary break may be enough to help clear your head enough to make a better decision. 

Being truly in love with a single partner is a million fold better then hundreds of loveless sex partners.  Some may disagree but this has been my life experience.


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I know... Its fucked up... Ill fix it minyana..[/quote]


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OfflineLogicaL ChaosM
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Re: monogamy? [Re: koraks]
    #24534139 - 08/06/17 08:07 AM (3 years, 9 months ago)

Nailed it man. Great advice, thru and thru.

:justastonishing:


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Anonymous #1

Re: monogamy? [Re: LogicaL Chaos]
    #24534415 - 08/06/17 11:48 AM (3 years, 9 months ago)

hey, thanks for pitching in!
Quote:

You never know, monogamy might be exactly what you want you just don't know it yet because you feel you're missing something.  The fact that you feel the way you do about her, and she respects you and was honest with you in return is already quite a find in today's world



this ended up being exactly right, I did feel like I was missing something. still not sure what that is..  I didn't have much freedom in my last relationship and I think that's what I was afraid of.  you are absolutely right, we are lucky with how things have started. we have decided to be together. she is worth monogamy. I don't need more than one partner


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OfflineLogicaL ChaosM
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Re: monogamy? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #24534453 - 08/06/17 12:01 PM (3 years, 9 months ago)

Wait wait wait....so now u wanna be monogamous with her? Am i reading this right?


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