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OfflineBeown1337
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Registered: 08/28/13
Posts: 196
Last seen: 6 years, 4 months
Addictions of any kinds control my life, i just cannot escape.
    #24479835 - 07/13/17 09:00 AM (6 years, 8 months ago)

Hello, im 30 years old and i just dont know how to overcome my addiction,
im fighting for 12 years already,
started with acohol addiction, porn addiction followed by cannabis,
heroin, benzos mdma, all kinds of downers, sometimes uppers,
although taking the real hard drugs started like 3 years ago, since then it went further down the downward spiral.
Im not saying that my life so far was all that bad i had still some good times over the last years,
but addiction was always a huge part of my life.
Iam a very emotional being,
to emotional for the word we live in.
My childhood wasnt all that good,
im fighting with social anxiety since my teenage times.
Inside i feel emotionally totally empty, feeling depressed.
I've lost my Job due to my addiction, was on rehab but it didnt help.
I want a change in my life but right at this point i dont think i will ever make it, still im so young.
I just cannot help myself, although im "just" physically addicted to alcohol atm,
but the real hard drugs like heroin really got me killed.
From time to time i get myself some heroin or other drugs but i try to stay away from it as best as i can,
and when i do i hate myself so much for doing it,
on the other side my brain controlls all the decisions i make and its so damn hard to resist, especially when you are in my kind of state.
I had alot of shroom trips which helped me to recover years ago,
but now they dont seem to help me at all,
even though they always tell me to stop doing this shit, but at the end of the day i fail.
I remember a song from my Favorite Band "tool"when they handeled addiction in one of their songs called "sober"

(the drug)
I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave,
I will work to elevate you
Just enough to bring you down.

Incredible lyrics.

Now i live in my Hometown again with nothing to do,
playing games which always excited me make no fun at all anymore,
i'm just waiting for the day to pass by just to be afraid for the next day to start.
Its not worth living for me atm.
I go so far to say that suicide is an option,
The thing is, im not afraid of death.
Something shrooms and salvia teached me over time, thats makes it dangerous.
Although i Wouldnt do that,
it selfish, cowardly, unacceptable.
I just cannot imagine my family crying over a useless death while i still got the power to change my miserabel situation,
but most of my family members dont know my suffering,
or they just cannot understand it which makes it quite hard for me.
Nobody knows how i really feel inside.


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InvisibleTheMilkMan84
Reincarnation of Benjamin Breeg


Registered: 03/01/17
Posts: 756
Loc: Caught somewhere in time
Re: Addictions of any kinds control my life, i just cannot escape. [Re: Beown1337]
    #24480002 - 07/13/17 10:42 AM (6 years, 8 months ago)

Hi beown, as you know drug addiction can cause chaos in your life, and feeling so depressed and anxious that you can't help but self medicate is a feeling I'm quite familiar with. The way you describe your situation reminds me a lot of myself some years ago. I have been through a lot of trauma in my life that has contributed to the depression and anxiety, and perhaps my previous addictions as well.

Although I still have my ups and downs, (don't we all) the way I moved passed all that negativity was dependent on a few different factors: 1st off I needed a hobby that I could feel passionate about. For me, that hobby was snowboarding. It allowed me to enjoy an amazing sport up in beautiful scenery with great people- this was very healing for my psyche, although something was still missing.

I felt as though I needed direction in my life; a purpose and goal to work towards. I decided to go back to school to search for a career that I could feel passionate about, rather than suffering through my old job and feeling miserable every second I was there. Although school can be stressful, it definitely helped me keep my head out of my ass. After switching majors a few times and learning what was and wasn't for me, I started to learn more about myself and what I wanted to do with my life.

This was important because it helped give my life direction and a sense of purpose. A little self-esteem boost too. Now even though I had good supportive friends, a direction and purpose, and hobby that made me smile, I still felt extremely anxious and depressed. So my next step was micro-dosing mushrooms. This, after not eating shrooms in over a year had a profound impact on my life.

But even with the micro-dosing, after time it lost a bit of it's magic and the effects became less and less profound. I started incorporating full trips into my mushroom routine and did them by myself with the intent of healing and bettering myself. This was powerful because when taken with this intent it gave me the insight I needed and shifted my perspective such that I started to understand why I still felt this way.

Although I realize this is a life long journey of self-discovery and understanding, a great starting point for me was to stop the heroin, pharmaceuticals, and all the other substances that weren't supporting me in my growth and development. These drugs (as you probably know) can leave you feeling empty, depressed, apathetic, and uninterested in life. They mess with your neurotransmitters so damn much that it's nearly impossible to feel normal or be happy without the drugs.... it's a vicious cycle!

So getting clean off of these kinds of drugs was paramount in lifting my depression- however, it can take a long time for your endocrine system to return to normal, which is why having a hobby, a passion, and a purpose was so important in my recovery. After a regular regimen of mushrooms, I started to feel extreme disgust at the thought of drugs such as heroin and the like. I had less tendency to feel sorry for myself, and became more fascinated with life.

I'm not saying that this is the answer for you, but I can't explain the magnitude of how much these things have helped me. You mentioned that mushrooms helped you previously but lost their magic? Perhaps you built up a tolerance? Maybe consider giving this another go since you do understand the that they have healing potential.

First and foremost though, I would consider a lifestyle change that supports you in your recovery. Abstinence from hard drugs would be step one. Maybe get more exercise to get those neurotransmitters flowing again, and really think about what it is that is missing from your life that would bring you peace of mind and happiness.

Also, you mentioned that your family doesn't even know how you feel- this can make you feel alone and make the problem worse. Obviously I don't know your relationship to your family, but sometimes it can be very beneficial to have someone to talk to about these kinds of issues, so you may want to consider having a talk with them. And if they don't understand, try talking with a friend or someone else who you trust.

I share this information with you because I can relate to your story, and also I'm hoping maybe some of the ideas that I've mentioned are ones that you haven't considered, and could potentially catalyze a positive change, and  maybe offer some ideas for self-improvement. Best of luck to you my friend! Keep your head up, and feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

Best regards,
                          -Milk-


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Offlineyoosername
Lab Member


Registered: 03/28/13 Happy 11th Shroomiversary!
Posts: 469
Loc: Terra Fracta
Last seen: 5 hours, 24 minutes
Re: Addictions of any kinds control my life, i just cannot escape. [Re: Beown1337]
    #24480157 - 07/13/17 12:03 PM (6 years, 8 months ago)

I can relate.  I noticed a long time ago that I was susceptible to addiction, so throughout my life I've tried to avoid extremely addicting things.  That didn't stop me from falling prey to the cycle, hell I'm still caught in it now; but this time I have some control over my vectors.

It's a lot like floating down a raging river; fight the current and lose, go with the flow and be washed away, or find the flow and ride it home.

The best thing for me was a complete lifestyle change (Synthetic --> Organic) based around a well-placed distrust in western medicine.  It's not easy, but I've got clear goals in mind and I'm working to achieve them.

A good addiction is a terrible thing to waste, they can really drive a man.  The trick is picking a destination and minimizing the "sightseeing".  Since addictions stem from unmet needs, I would start by exploring the root cause, then using the time you would normally spend "feeding the beast" to better your situation.  (Example; Someone who uses porn to quench their lust improves their sex appeal through exercise).

Change is a process, not an event.  It takes time, meditation, and no small number of epiphanies.  I've noticed I fall into a rut if I let my mind stagnate, so I try to shake things up from time to time, people, music, diet, daily routine, etc.  It is said that true change only occurs outside of one's comfort zone, so flex your willpower from time to time and face your demons.

“Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.” - C.G. Jung

Understanding is an abstract, impossible to convey through spoken word, though pieces of wisdom can be traded.  Someday perhaps an advanced neural interface will allow to connect and share ideas untethered by mortal languages.

Until then, keep it real :stoned:


--------------------
O son of Kunti, I am the taste of water, the light of the sun and the moon, the syllable om in the Vedic mantras; I am the sound in ether and ability in man.

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OfflineBeown1337
Stranger
Male User Gallery


Registered: 08/28/13
Posts: 196
Last seen: 6 years, 4 months
Re: Addictions of any kinds control my life, i just cannot escape. [Re: yoosername]
    #24480379 - 07/13/17 02:07 PM (6 years, 8 months ago)

I appreciate your words, i knew this would be the right community to post my
problems, knowing that iam not alone and we all have to fight our way through  addiction, about micro dosing, i tried it already and it helps me a bit, better than any psychopharmics..
I need to have a goal in life, a purpose thats keeps me away from drugs.
Thank you guys, you made it, so will i!


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OfflineRJ Tubs 202
Male

Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 6,123
Loc: USA Flag
Last seen: 15 days, 18 hours
Re: Addictions of any kinds control my life, i just cannot escape. [Re: Beown1337]
    #24490261 - 07/17/17 08:20 PM (6 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

Beown1337 said:

. . . my brain controls all the decisions i make





As long as you believe you don't make decisions, you'll be powerless to change.

Your brain only can send you messages. You decide how to behave.

You say, "I just cannot help myself." but you are the only person who can.

You are running from something. What is it? Are you running from yourself?

Your primary job in life is to love and have compassion for yourself.

If you don't act from that foundation, you will continue to self-destruct.

Take care        :heart:

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